This chapter is shorter but I promise there will be longer ones to come...if you're interested. Jacob and the wolves did work with the Cullens for the newborn battle but that doesn't erase all the animosity there. Add the wolves' natural dislike of vampires to Jacob's blatant jealousy and what do you get? Thanks to Kate Pedroso for the beta. Thank you for reviewing.
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. Stephenie, I hope I did Jacob justice.
Sam and I continued walking toward home but I wasn't focused. The perfect Cullens. Even in my head I sneered at that. They already had everything, why must they take more?! They had more than most people could boast in a lifetime. But that was why, because they had so many lifetimes. I did not envy them this but I did envy their relationships. I was ashamed to admit it simply because they were my mortal enemy, treaty or not. I really did not know any of them. And I don't want to, I told myself. But after watching them in the clearing while practicing for the newborn attack it was obvious that the relationships each pair shared were similar to those shared by Sam and Emily, Jared and Kim…and yes, I was JEALOUS.
You're only really jealous of ONE of those relationships, the voice inside my head reminded me. I closed my eyes to concentrate from bursting out of my body. Her chocolate brown eyes stared at me from behind my lids. I had to stop walking, bending forward at the waist and holding my hands to my head as if trying to keep it from exploding. I could feel the hot fury melt down my spine as an image of Bella kissing that filthy bloodsucker invaded my mind next, my body shaking so hard a normal person's teeth would chatter. I worked against that rage and straightened my body out, staring up at the sky. I let it all out in one frightening and deafening howl. This is better, anger I can handle, I told myself as I walked at a determined pace back to the house And that was the truth. I'd rather be angry, directing it towards one specific being than fall to pieces over another. If I let myself, I'd end up being just as empty a shell as Bella had been not so long ago. Except for one thing. There would be no one to hold me together. Angrily I pushed that thought out of my mind. Anger could make me strong, while wallowing in self pity would only drown me.
Sam must have been watching me carefully the whole time. He must have recognized the beast inside me, the conflicting emotions roiling like an ocean during a storm. "Don't lose yourself, Jacob. Don't let this change the person you are deep inside. Love and hate are the two of the most powerful emotions a person can feel. They can make your life worth living or drive you mad. Find a way to survive this, Jacob. None of us can afford to lose you." He said this slowly, waiting for me to look at him so that he knew I heard him. Even though I didn't acknowledge this I knew he was right, I needed to find a balance…eventually. For now I would let my raw anger weld the pieces of my heart back together. The pieces of my soul, well, that was another matter. Again, it was that tiny but absurdly strong voice.
Time seemed to speed up and slow down randomly over the day; I suddenly realized that we were now in front of my house, and I didn't remember the entire trip here. The house was dark; this relieved me a bit, it meant that Charlie was gone.
I sighed but my face remained like stone, my voice void of emotion. "Thank you, Sam, for everything. I appreciate it…more than you know." I walked away from him then, knowing I didn't need to wait for a response. Sam disappeared smoothly into the darkness, not even a leaf rustling in his wake.
I walked into house, glad Billy had gone to bed. I knew if I wasn't quiet that he would come out to investigate and I didn't feel like getting into a conversation right now. I looked at the clock over the stove. It was after midnight but I wasn't ready for bed. I walked over to the refrigerator, pulling out item after item. I felt like I was starving. I ate and ate, ripping into my food with more aggression than was necessary. I'd eaten half the refrigerator's contents before my hunger was satiated. I chuckled to myself. That will give Billy something to do in the morning; grocery shopping.
Once I was done eating I didn't know what to do with myself. I was exhausted but I didn't want to go to sleep. If I had to be honest with myself it was because I was afraid to dream. I was afraid that the fragile wall I'd just built around my heart would come crumbling down. I went into the living room and sprawled across the couch. I found the remote and started flipping through the channels, finding a replay of a baseball game; knowing anything else might break me.
I fought against my heavy eyelids, willing them to stay open. Without even realizing it I fell into darkness.
