3: The Market and the Paladin

Summary: Satan despairs at the human race as he and Yuri head home from the market in town. While there, they saw the new Paladin. This sparks some discussion about the Paladin that Satan knew centuries ago.

With my (not-so-sincere) apologies to Romans 3:23, Romans 5:1, and Matthew Chapter 4. XD

3***2**1*0

"So what did you think, Satan? Wasn't it nice to go into town and see the market?"

"Well, I did say I wanted to learn more about humans, but that was exhausting. Crowds really aren't my thing, unless I can control them all, of course."

"I see. If I were in your shoes, I would also hate crowds. I'd rather live like a mad hermit in a winter hut, in the middle of nowhere, without any internet or television."

"You're being sarcastic again, aren't you, bitch?"

"Nope. Not that time. I really am a mad hermit in the middle of nowhere, remember?"

"Well, I'm not sure which option is worse: being so alone I become a suicidal bitch like you, or dealing with so many new people and things that I lose my temper and burn them all. All the humans at the market were so stupid. Human concerns are so stupid."

"Satan, how many times do I have to explain? It's not stupid or trivial to us because humans need clothes, food, and supplies to live. We aren't immortal like you."

"That's not what I mean. I'm talking about the disparity between people."

"Ah yes, what a moralistic question to make one search the soul. Why do some people take more than they need? It only causes disparity. Some people were selling fancy sparkly hats while sitting their fat asses down in comfy chairs. Others were barely dressed and trying to trade their mother's jewelry for a piece of bread."

"That's also not what I mean. Disparity in wealth? I don't care. I'm a conqueror and a king, so I can live in luxury. I do, however, expect my generals, sons, and authorities in Gehenna to possess basic intelligence. Humans have vastly disparate intelligence."

"True. The man at the meats stall couldn't seem to do simple subtraction. I gave him thirteen Cardinal Coins, and the meat cost 8. That guy tried to give me four for my change. Seriously. Why are these people allowed in these jobs?"

"But then, some people were doing great business with few resources. They must have excellent business sense. Some people were smart enough, also, to trick customers into buying useless items. Remember they asked if we wanted some of the pots that our greens were grown in? He said we would save money growing our own things. Of course, we can't grow anything in the middle of winter. But that seller almost convinced me, all the same."

"You're just gullible. Good thing you've got me around, my poor naïve Satan. I bet that guy wasn't even talking about pots. He was probably talking about a certain plant for smoking. Oh, before I forget. Satan, what did you think of the man I talked to at the market? The one with whitish hair. How did he seem?"

"You mean, as a partner? I told you, I don't understand human ideas of attraction. Still, seems to me like a man in his mid-thirties should not have white hair. But if you like him, do whatever you want. You don't need my permission to f*** him."

"Uh, Satan… that's not what I meant. Just because I'm a fertile female doesn't mean I constantly look at people as potential partners. First of all, I wouldn't f*** Shiro even if somebody paid me ten thousand dollars. (I might do it for twenty-five thousand.) I meant to ask if you considered him 'basically intelligent' or not. Did he seem stupid?"

"Hmm… Father Shiro is probably going to be the next Paladin, right? Appointed by my dear friends at the Vatican. Still, he may be smart. He sounded like he was warning you to stop fraternizing with Demons, so he must have common sense. I'd like to study him."

"Even better if studying him involves dissecting him or pinning him on a card, right?"

"Maybe. You've told me before that the way to Hell is marked with good intentions. Experiments are a necessary part of good science and—"

"So, Satan is a mad scientist! Alas, for what does that make me? I am only an experiment. My life and soul are expendable. I have sold my heart to the Devil!"

"Well, yes, you have. The King of Gehenna does not respect you in the slightest, lowly experimental human."

"Right. That's why you're completely dependent on my body as a vessel, haha. Which reminds me. You really seem to go to great lengths to try learning about Assiah. Why exactly do you care?"

"I want conquer them, of course. I want both halves of the universe, Gehenna AND Assiah. However, the people in Assiah always oppose me, so a couple centuries ago I decided to try to learn more about them. If I understand them more, I'll be a better ruler."

"Oh, how morally upstanding. It sounds like you don't want to totally destroy the world. But in that case, Satan, what about the evil you cause in Assiah? Some of it I get. Disease was an attempt to conquer the world. You command possessions to learn more about human experience from your servant Demons. But what about the mischief? Like, why do you tell your Demons to bring temptation and unfair contracts to foolish humans?"

"Um, because making mischief for humans is fun. Demons are programmed to enjoy it. One time, this thirteen year old girl sold her soul in exchange for having her crush saved from a disease. But then he died in a car wreck three days later. The girl was so sad she told her dad about me, right before I took her soul to Gehenna. Get this. The dad said she wanted to sue me for false advertising. But since lawyers are basically the devil anyway, I told him to give it up."

"You have a dark sense of humor, Satan. But I guess it is funny. Demons specialize in making things inconvenient for humans, and vice versa. We might as well enjoy it when possible. What happened to the little girl's soul, though?"

"She's fine. She's already in love with a demon who's way too old for her. She says she'll kill herself if he rejects her. She doesn't seem to know she's already dead."

"Why DO you try to keep peoples' souls trapped in Gehenna when they die?"

"Souls are a valuable commodity. You can use them as currency, whether you're making deals with Demons or Gods. So, basically, they're my slaves. The reputation isn't true, though, that staying in Gehenna feels like torture. The stories of Gehenna being like a lake of fire? That's only true if you're standing too close to me. Gehenna won't harm my collection of deceased souls... usually."

"Satan, you excel at inspiring great confidence within the souls of humans."

"Hey, at least I'm giving most of those souls a chance to be reborn into the world as Demons. I make them immortal. Compare that to what you Exorcists do. You expel Demons and leave them without a vessel. Their souls may become too damaged to find an afterlife, let alone survive and get new bodies. You waste so many souls. That's why I'm inclined to say that next Paladin is, like all Exorcists, ultimately pretty stupid."

"I'll just pretend that you didn't imply that your lover was stupid. I'm kind of surprised you knew Shiro's name. You know about the status of Paladin, too. You seem very well informed about Exorcists. Do you and God talk about that when you smoke together?"

"No, God isn't speaking to me these days. Except to try to swindle more souls from my stock. I learned about Exorcists, actually, because I knew a man who was instrumental in creating the Vatican's first Exorcists and their systems. He was strikingly powerful. Perhaps he was the first Paladin."

"Satan, from the way you talk about him, this man must have been very dear to you."

"Actually, yes. We were friends at first. We liked to sneak out into the desert together and trip balls from a combination of fasting and psychoactive cacti."

"Did you two 'do it' out there in the desert? It sounds like you liked each other…"

"Shut up, wh**e. There was 'no homo.' We were more like rambunctious brothers. Or maybe I was like his evil but fun uncle. We dared each other to do crazy things. However, my friend was stupid. One time I dared him to jump off a temple. He didn't do it, but he also didn't understand it was a joke."

"Satan, whatever you may say, you clearly care about this man. What became of him?"

"Oh, he killed himself."

"I thought you said he didn't jump off that temple."

"He didn't. He turned himself into the ruling empire, who thought he was a madman and gave him a very painful execution. Apparently it was family drama that led to his suicide. His father threatened to keep killing humans and blame me. My friend killed himself to make his father happy. Once he was dead, he figured, his father's wrath should be more or less satisfied."

"I'd hate to see that father when he's drunk."

"Oh, believe me, I've seen it. God is terrible when he's drunk."

"God? Oh wait…"

"Yes, my poor friend Jesus. Sometimes we talk, but God keeps him away from me most of the time. The worst thing about Jesus' suicide, of course, was that it failed. I mean, he just came back to life again. Now he has to deal with his psychopathic daddy again."

"Hmm. Who would have thought? Satan feels sorry for Jesus."