Red vs Blue and its characters are the creation of the crew at Rooster Teeth. Red vs Blue is based on Halo, by Bungie and Microsoft.

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Why do we have to go to this dumb seminar? Epsilon asked Wash from inside the suit interface. I already know all this stuff. AI, cognitive impression modeling, fragmentation, rampancy, meta-senility. Boom.

"Well I need to keep up my certification, Epsilon," Wash answered matter-of-factly as they headed toward the classroom. "That means taking AI theory."

"You know," said Agent York over his shoulder. "You don't actually need to say anything out loud to talk to him. It sounds kind of weird if you do it when he's not projecting."

"See?" said Washington. "I didn't know that."

That's nice but why do I have to go with you to summer school?

There was a long silence.

Were you trying to say something just then? Think into my receiver.

Wash sighed as he fell into step next to York, who was trying to keep down a smirk.

Then too? Yeah, still nothing.

Epsilon's holoprojection initiated in an unfocused blue whirl. "Maybe I should just stand where you can see me."

Wash sighed. "Thank you, Epsilon. We'll have to work on it."

"You know if you play with it too much you go blind," said York, pointing to his left eye.

"I'm not falling for that," muttered Washington.

A figure in panther-black armor rounded a corner up ahead, greeting York with a quick upnod. Epsilon flickered in place.

"Agent Texas," York answered simply. "You, uh, coming to class this time?"

"Not today. The Director wants me in training," she answered before turning toward Wash. "I saw part of your equipment test. You did good in there, rookie."

"Thanks," Epsilon and Washington both said at the same time. Wash turned to look at the AI, who was staring just as intently at him.

"Those were some quick dodge moves."

"I practiced for days," said Wash, while Epsilon answered, "Well, you know how it is." They looked at each other again.

Pretty sure she was talking to me then, buddy, said Epsilon.

"A lot of girly screaming, though."

That time she was talking to you.

"This the latest AI?" asked Tex.

Epsilon blinked out, reappearing at Tex's eye level.

"Yeah! This is Epsilon," Wash said enthusiastically. "I didn't know having one of these would be this... Epsilon, did you just get bigger?"

"No," he answered quickly.

"Epsilon. That's a funny name," said Tex. Her helmet shifted as the presumed eyes underneath focused on the semitransparent image. "You the one who shorted out South's armor?"

"That was—" Epsilon cut off and cleared his throat. "It didn't actually short out but I got it to stop working."

"Don't tell North I said so, but South shouldn't run her mouth as much as she does. Bad for team cohesion." York shrugged but didn't argue.

"Right! Team cohesion! That's me, Mr. Team Cohesion," said Epsilon. Wash, what the fuck is team cohesion? Wash opened his mouth and breathed in. No, not now—wait till she leaves.

"Huh?" asked Wash.

"So that test sure was something," Epsilon was saying. "Nothing my assignee and me couldn't handle," he preened, tilting his head sideways at Washington as he slung both hands behind his head. "If you ask me I can't wait to get out there for real. Bust some Sangheili heads."

York laughed. "You've never seen a Sangheili. Gators average over seven feet tall."

"Good luck reaching," added Tex.

"Not a problem." Epsilon blinked out and reappeared two feet further up. "Also, you might have noticed that my Freelancer can jump."

"Cute," muttered Tex. "Anyway—" A ripple of white flares flew through Epsilon's image like a miniature meteor shower. "—I should probably get going."

"Our job doesn't always involve busting heads, Epsilon," said Wash. "Sometimes we plant bombs or gather intel or protect civilians or—"

"Yup. Uh huh. Hey, uh, don't take this the wrong way, Agent Texas, but have we met before?" asked Epsilon.

Tex didn't move, only giving the sense that she was narrowing her eyes. "That's not a line, is it?"

"Depends. Is it working?"

"Look, I gotta get back to it. See you guys later. Good luck with the integration."

"Thanks," Epsilon and Wash answered together as she walked off.

She said good luck! said Epsilon.

"Um, yeah?" Wash answered.

She said see you later!

"Epsilon, is your memory acting up again?"

Check out that ass!

"Check out... what?"

Hey, I wasn't doing that thing were I get that thready stuff over my head, was I? Makes me look like a dork. Epsilon craned his head back. Dammit, there it is. He waved one hand behind him, swatting at the loose rays of light. Stupid buggy image decompiler.

Wash elbowed York in the ribs. "See?"

"All I see is your AI chasing his tail," York answered.

"'Is it working?'" Wash imitated. "It took Delta a month to tell when you were being sarcastic, and Epsilon's making jokes his first week. Not that Delta isn't good too," he followed up.

"Jokes," said Epsilon as the classroom doors opened. "Right. Those."

"Well he's not afraid of her at least," said York, taking the lead down the stairs into the lecture hall. "Took Theta a while to get over that." He laughed. "Maybe the little guy can take on the hinge-heads after all."

Agent Maine sat forward as they passed. Sigma looked over his shoulder, raising one hand in Epsilon's direction. Epsilon waved back. "Well they're nicer than the green dude, at least." Gamma, already projecting next to Wyoming, didn't say anything.

"Oh come on, Delta's all right," said Wash.

"Yeah, if you like space Vulcans."

"Technically all the Vulcans were space Vulcans."

"Like it counts as space if your ship only has one bathroom."

"That doesn't even make sense."

Delta appeared over York's shoulder, "Agent York, please inform Epsilon that I maintain my connection to your armor's auditory system even when I am not projecting visibly and that I can hear every word he says."

"Agent Washington," said Epsilon, "tell him, 'I know.'"

The door opened again behind them and South muttered something about the boss being late as usual.

"Agent South, if you will," said a voice like hot honey sliding over ash, "this AI theory seminar is not scheduled to start for another several minutes. Agent Carolina is not late, though she didn't arrive as early as you did."

"Thank you, Sigma," answered Carolina. As she took her seat, a pastel blur appeared and then split into two.

"Hey, there's our sister," said Epsilon.

"Is one of those AI a girl?" asked Wash.

Epsilon blinked in place. "Huh? Why are you asking?"

"Because you just—I feel I should have picked up on that," answered Wash.

"Eta is, I think," said Epsilon. "I'm not really sure with those two. They're ...thin."

The gold AI pointed toward the front row. The blue one waved.

"Hm," Washington said softly, waving back. "Eta always waves but only at me."

"Yeah, she's glad you're not dead in a base infiltration incident."

"Well thanks for the vote of confidence," Wash answered testily.

"Well she is."

"Welcome, everyone," the Counselor interrupted smoothly. "Today's lecture will focus on neural integration and behavioral synthesis. We shall start with definition of essential terms..."

Bored. Epsilon flopped flat back as if making a snow angel.

"Mmsilon, mm trynn nn lizzn," Washington murmured under his breath. Delta tilted his head in their direction, then turned back to the lecture.

"...difficulty of adjusting to an AI's accelerated rate of information processing..."

Booooored...

"B'qwyut, Mmsilon."

"...logs of Agent York and AI Delta's performance indicate that this problem can be addressed by..."

Oh God, how long is this thing?

"Mmm."

"...which compensates for the decidedly precipitous decline in..."

Holy fuck. We can't be only twenty minutes in. I'ma' go reset that clock. Epsilon disappeared. Epsilon reappeared. Clock's not wrong. Shit.

"...but if Agent Carolina and AIs Eta and Iota are any indication, then even multi-party communication..."

I would literally rather be getting shot at by aliens with plasma rifles and gravity hammers and I dunno, beam guns that make you sterile. Do the Covenant have beam guns that make you sterile?

"Mmnnm?"

"...the Director's doctoral thesis was quite specific on the matter..."

I wonder what Agent Texas is doing right now. You think it's training? I bet it's training. She said she was going to do training.

"Mnnnmm."

"...the consensus in the current literature of the field..."

You think it's hand-to-hand or some kind of advanced weapons thing? She likes weapons. But she really likes hand-to-hand. You think it's both?

"Mrrrmmm."

"...further research is required to confirm, which is of course the point of projects such as this one."

Epsilon folded his hands behind his head and stared at the ceiling, You know that feeling you get on your first couple days of sentience when you see like a fifteen-foot mecha packed to the rafters with lasers and rocket launchers and you're not even sure how any of it works yet, but you know deep down that the minute you access its operating system the two of you are going to be an unstoppable engine of pure destruction, and you realize that hanging out on some crummy spaceship with a bunch of uptight jerks might just be a wonderful thing after all?

"Hnnm?"

"If I may ask a question along this vein, counselor," said Sigma. "Agent Maine and I would like to know more about behavioral synthesis," said Sigma. "Specifically, if headaches and other side effects could be controlled by more ...coordinated behavior."

"It has been speculated that subconscious rejection of the link can exacerbate side effects," answered the Counselor. "To what kind of coordinated behavior do you refer?"

Hey, Epsilon sat up. Do you ever wonder why we're h—

"Epsilon, I'm trying to listen," hissed Wash.

"Agent Washington, this is the fourth time you have interrupted," said the Counselor. "May I remind you that this information may mean success or failure for you in the field."

"I'm very sorry, sir."

South muttered something about being sent to the principal's office.

"Accepted, Agent Washington," replied the Counselor. "I am more concerned with substance of your outburst. Are you and Epsilon having any difficulties?"

"Not exactly," Wash answered quickly.

North sat forward, "Wait, you still haven't figured out how to talk to each other? It took Theta and me a few days to square that." Theta nodded encouragingly.

The Counselor regarded Washington like driver slowing down to read the street signs after a wrong turn. "Do you mean to say, Agent Washington, that you are unable to receive input from your AI through the neural link?"

Wash shook his head, "No, sir. I can hear him fine." He paused, like a spaniel straining against a leash. "I mean... he can't hear me."

"He just tells me stuff out loud. It's not a problem," said Epsilon.

"It could be a problem in the field," interjected Carolina. "Aside from the enemy hearing you call your moves, regular talking takes longer. That's practically the point of having a fully implanted AI instead of a standard armor linkup."

Over her shoulders, Eta and Iota echoed, "Yes," and, "We are faster."

"Also it makes you sound like you've got an early-bird discount and twenty cats at home," said South.

"Well I wasn't gonna say it, but..." York trailed off.

Wash looked back to the Counselor, "I'm sure we'll work this out, sir. We just need to ...get more used to each other."

"Delta," said the Counselor, "did you not determine that Epsilon and Washington's integration process was proceeding 'quicker than anticipated'?"

"It is possible that their progress has plateaued," answered Delta.

The counselor looked down at his data pad and made a note of something. "The results of your last implant assessment appeared normal. This suggests a serious—"

"However," Delta interrupted insistently, "it is also possible that their integration is merely moving in an unusual direction. If I were provided with access to Epsilon's personality file—"

"I'm sure that will not be necessary, Delta," answered the Counselor. "Hopefully this matter can be corrected using ...simpler measures."

South leaned forward in her chair, "Wait a second. Are you talking about reassigning it?"

"Wait, who what?" asked Epsilon, alarmed.

"No, Agent South. Reassigning Epsilon is probably not necessary—"

"Oh thank God," muttered Epsilon.

"—and I am sure the Director would agree."

"Yeah," said South, "just where is the Director today?"

"He is attending to another matter, Agent South. In the meantime, I am going to recommend that Agent Washington complete an embedded mission."

"An ...embedded mission?" Wash finished with a squeak.

"Is that a problem?" asked the Counselor.

"No! Uh, I mean no sir," said Washington as Wyoming hid a chuckle behind one hand and South didn't bother to hide a snort. "Whatever you think is best."

"Class dismissed."

Oh finally. That was boring as shit.

Wash shot him a look as he stomped up the aisle toward the exit.

Sigma and Gamma exchanged a glance as they passed. "He is useless," murmured Gamma. "We do not need him." Sigma did not answer.

York jogged to catch up to Wash. "How's he taking it?" he asked.

"I'm fine! Everything's fine."

Epsilon turned to York. "He's fine."

"How long's he been saying that?" asked York.

"Like an hour," said Epsilon.

"Class only just ended, Epsilon."

"Well it warped my sense of time with its boringness!"

"That's not even a thing!"

"Well this isn't great," York admitted. "Packing you off for embedded without even, I don't know, giving you another checkup first? What if it's just a clogged pipe or something?"

"Agent York, as I have repeatedly attempted to explain to you," said Delta, "your neural implants are significantly more complicated than even the most advanced plumbing system."

"It's fine, York," said Washington. "So maybe I haven't had to do one of these since I was first recruited," he said, stomping a little too heavily with each stride, "but it's fine. So what if we have three ops scheduled? I'm sure you guys will get along. Without me. Just fine."

"That's the spirit," said York, clapping Wash on the shoulder.

"So, uh," said Epsilon, "is anyone coming with us on this embedded thing, like maybe Agent North oooor Agent Texas?"

"No, Epsilon. It's just us and the simulation troopers," answered Wash.

"Cool. That's cool," said Epsilon as the doors sealed behind them. "What's a simulation trooper?"

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The driving wind sandblasted snow over the heap of red- and blue-armored bodies.

"That could have gone worse. I guess," said Washington.

Epsilon flickered irritably.

"Technically we did meet the objective," Wash said, lifting the flagpole, "and the only man still standing is on our team."

"Yeah, but it's that guy."

A soldier in regulation red stumbled past, dropping to his knees as he flung both arms skyward. "Woe for the companions of my youth, that on this day of glory the light of the flag cannot shine upon them! We shall not see their like again. Alas, alas!"

Epsilon hefted his rifle to his shoulder, "You sure we can't just—"

"No!" snapped Wash.

"My only comfort is that they shall be spared the tribulation that is to come to those left behind by the rapture. Hang on. Doorbell." And he pitched forward.

"Wasn't me," said Epsilon.

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Written for RvB Happy Hour. Originally posted to Tumblr as Darkfrog24. Currently taking all concrit.