AN: First of all, a huge thank you to all of you for all the alerts and reviews that flooded my inbox. Best thing ever when you're stuck home sick :) You guys rock.
Day Three
-A-
As Kaidan Alenko navigated the aircar into the spaceport return lot, he was very much aware that he'd broken the third rule, and he'd broken it hard.
The previous day, he'd suspected that maybe he wasn't being entirely wise in regards to his actions, but figured that with only one day left, there really wasn't time to get attached. The little voice in the back of his head had muttered that he was being stupid, and that one hour was enough time for someone to get attached. It had heard of the concept of 'love at first sight' and while it wasn't entirely sure that existed, it recognized that there was something to those words, otherwise the phrase wouldn't have propagated throughout human culture over the centuries and been the basis for countless romance novels.
Still, as he'd fallen asleep last night, gently stroking her hair and listening to her deep, even breaths, one delicately pale hand resting on his on his waist, he'd managed to convince himself that what he felt was merely a crush because she was just that amazing.
That notion had been shot to hell when he'd woken up with his arms around her, her head tucked between his shoulder and neck and he'd realized that this was the last time he'd wake up with her in his arms. That seemingly small revelation left him with an overwhelming sense of sadness, and he could no longer plausibly deny that he'd begun to feel something real for her. So instead of doing the gentlemanly thing and extricating himself from her to go search for breakfast, he'd held onto her tighter, dropped a kiss on her forehead, and began the delicate process of smoothing her hair ever so gently.
He wanted to memorize ever tiny feature of her face, imperfections and all, because they were her.
He'd lain there for thirty minutes, simply looking at her and holding her before she'd murmured softly and her eyes fluttered open. She'd arched her back in a small stretch then wrapped her arms around him and sighed contentedly, her fingers playing small patterns on his skin.
The seemingly insignificant realization that this was infinitely better than mere sex ever could be struck him dumb. That's when he realized he'd broken the third rule. No, shattered it.
When he made love to her for the final time, his overwhelming sadness set the tempo to the beat of his heart, the sad whispers of goodbye of his soul. He realized the walls he'd so carefully constructed to protect himself had fallen down in response to her soft smile, the overwhelming warmth of her presence. He kept the pace slow, measured, and she'd wrapped her legs around his hips, meeting his every movement with a gentle sway. It hadn't been enough for him. He needed to feel her around him, on him, with him.
What he couldn't tell her with his words he wanted to tell her with his body.
So he'd lifted her gently with his biotics until she was straddling him, legs wrapped around him even tighter as he pressed her against the wall. He kissed her as he flared, brighter than ever before. Her fingers left burnings trails up his arms as she flared brightly in tune with him, their energy melding together with perfect harmony.
When they'd both found their release, he still didn't put her down, and she made no move to break free.
Instead, he carried her to the shower, his eyes never leaving hers even as he turned the water on. Her blue eyes were shrouded in mystery, gazing up at him. As the water began to fall through her hair, he pressed another kiss against her lips, savoring the taste of her, and she began moving again, flaring almost as soon as she started. He situated his hand on her rear and pulled her up with each thrust. She cried out into his mouth and he fell against her when he came again, murmuring her name fervently even as he kissed her.
When she'd finally slid down, he trailed kisses down her chest until he reached her naval, gently massaging her inner thighs. She murmured into the air, water streaming down her pale skin, as he kissed even lower. Her legs shook against him as he slowly increased the tempo and she slid down the wall, supported only by his arms. Fingers curled into his hair and waves of energy rippled over her. She shuddered and pulled him up, knees buckling beneath her as she leaned into him.
They made love until the water ran cold, until they couldn't possibly stand for a moment longer. They collapsed together on the bed and he held her in his arms, too afraid to speak. Too afraid that the words he'd say would reveal him for a fool.
It was fitting that it was pouring down rain again, just as it had been when he met her.
Was it selfish to want to amend their agreement? He sighed. Probably. Besides, he was the idiot who, despite knowing the ground rules going in, had decided to fall in love anyway.
"That's me," she said, staring off at the transport shuttle in the distance. It, unfortunately, wasn't him. His shuttle didn't leave till that evening, and that was because he was stopping at Earth before returning to Arcturus. He wanted to ask where she was going, but wasn't sure if that would be considered breaking the rules.
"How long?"
She checked her omni-tool. "Fifteen minutes."
He didn't know what to say. 'Thanks for the good time?' Crass, and a massive understatement at that. 'I'll never forget you?' Cliché. And while true, the words didn't carry the full weight of what he felt behind them. A lot of people were unforgettable, and not all for good reasons. She was unforgettable in the sense that no one would ever compare to her. No one could.
She was the most amazing person he'd ever met, and he was finding it difficult to let her walk away. He didn't want to let her walk away, but he didn't know what else to do. His impulsive streak was struggling to keep up with this, because it decided that committing to white picket fences and dreams of being together forever was decidedly not impulsive, so the controlled, cautious part of him would have to make up its damned mind. And fuck him if the controlled, cautious part decided that siding with the rules was the way to go, because it's what he agreed to do from the get go. And fuck him if he thought the controlled, cautious part of him would let him live this down, either. In the future, it'd point to this moment and say, 'This. This is the reason why we're not impulsive, Alenko, you sappy, romantic sonofabitch.'
He turned to look at her and found her staring at her knees. "I guess I should get going, huh?" she asked, her voice almost a whisper.
He wanted to say no. He wanted to say 'fuck the rules.' He wanted to say a million different things, ranging from 'stay here with me' to 'come with me to Vancouver.' He wanted to stick out his hand, see the devious little glimmer in her eye and say, 'Hi, my name is Kaidan Alenko and I'd very much like to date you.' He wanted to tell her that he was falling for her, harder than he'd ever fallen before, faster than he thought was possible, and the brakes on his heart were broken because he didn't see him stopping anytime soon.
Instead he said nothing, frozen to his seat. The fact that he was the idiot who'd had a change of heart was clearly making this awkward for her. "Yeah.. yeah, I- I guess so."
She finally raised her eyes to meet his. He wanted to kiss her, but knew that if he did, he'd never stop. Not for a new amp and the latest omni-tool upgrade would he stop.
Not for his own solar system would he stop.
Her fingers laced through his, blue eyes deep pools. A man could lose himself in those eyes. Surely the sadness he thought he glimpsed in them was just a reflection of his own desires.
"I guess this is goodbye."
He squeezed her hand and frowned thoughtfully at her knuckles. "I guess so."
She crushed him in a hug and he pulled her closer, wrapping an arm fiercely around her neck as he buried his face in her hair. He felt like someone was ripping his heart out slowly while at the same time revelling in how wonderful it felt to have her arms wrapped around him, to hold her close, to feel her.
He was on the cusp of speaking, deciding to throw caution to the wind and tell her that he didn't want this to end, didn't want her to leave, when she whispered raggedly, "Goodbye," and tore out of the cab faster than a salarian on speed.
He watched her dash to the transport, duffel held aloft over her head, and glance back once before disappearing into the shuttle. He lowered his head to the dash and rapped it a couple of times, eyes squeezed shut. When he finally opened them, something blue caught his attention.
Her scarf. He sat up and picked the soft fabric up, running it between his fingers. It smelled faintly like her shampoo. He clenched into his fist and stared at her shuttle, torn between wanting to run after her and listening to the rational part of his brain that argued against such rash actions.
Then her shuttle began pulling out.
It occurred to him as he sat there, watching her shuttle take off, that perhaps the reason she'd hastily exited the aircar wasn't because she didn't like goodbyes, but maybe because she'd felt the same way he did.
Or maybe that was just wishful thinking.
Now all he had aside from his broken heart was the blue scarf she'd used to tie her hair back when they went sailing. A lump rose high in his throat, and he choked back the building ball of regret that was beginning to fill him faster than a fully automatic rifle could burn through a clip.
He should have gone after her.
-A-
Alexis Shepard, for the first time in her life, was a goddamned coward. She shut her omni-tool off after answering his inquiry and stared at her knees.
She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes right now. She didn't know what she'd say.
Or rather, she knew exactly what she'd say, starting with, 'I don't want to leave' and ending with, 'I think I'm in love with you.' Maybe if she was brave she'd even tell him that impossibly, she'd just been smacked stupid in the face, complete with weak knees, gibbering, and excessive thoughts of his qualities because she'd been stupid enough to fall in love. She wasn't ready for this to end.
When they'd collapsed on the bed, wet and tired, she'd never felt more alive, never felt more ravished, and had certainly never felt more safe or loved. It was as if her body knew this was the end, that this was goodbye, and so wanted to soak up every last moment it could.
Within minutes, she'd trailed kisses down his chest and felt him press against her. She kissed down the small line of hair that led to his belly button and below. Then she kissed him. His husky gasp sent chills up her spine. She could feel his muscles flexing beneath her, wanting to respond, and so she encouraged him with gentle caresses. He'd panted her name, then again more breathily. By the third time, she'd recognized that he was trying to let her know he was close.
He was such a gentleman.
She kept her pace and soon he flared, the energy hot against her skin.
Long after they were truly spent, she couldn't stop feeling his skin, memorizing every small detail simply because it was him. She wanted to ask him about the scars on his lips, the series of jagged white lines on his ribs. She wanted to ask him his name.
"I guess I should get going, huh?" she whispered. She didn't trust herself to speak any louder for fear of the tremble giving her away.
She could feel his eyes on her, probably wondering what the fuck her problem was, because she was making this more awkward than it needed to be. They both knew this was coming, yet here she was, stalling, trying to muster the courage to tell him that he'd changed life in ways she never thought possible, and failing.
"Yeah.. yeah, I- I guess so," his voice was husky and for a tiny second hope flared in her. She looked at up at him and found his amber eyes staring thoughtfully at her.
But then she stalled. Again.
She wanted to kiss him, but knew that if she did, she'd never stop. The world could come crashing down around her, and she wouldn't care. When his lips met hers, the world shrank down to the space they occupied. Nothing else existed.
Instead, she laced her fingers through his. His brow furrowed ever so slightly as his thumb ran gently over her knuckles.
"I guess this is goodbye."
He squeezed her hand. "I guess so."
Before she could stop herself, she crushed him in a hug. His arms wrapped around her, pulling her closer, and she was once again struck dumb by the realization that she felt safe, that she felt like she was home. Was it possible for one person to alter the heading of another's life so drastically? She buried her face in his neck, clutching him even tighter, trying to muster the smallest seed of bravery... and failing. She didn't want to be rebuffed. She was the idiot who, despite knowing the ground rules going in, had decided to fall in love anyway.
He was the most amazing person she'd ever met. And she was about to walk away from him. She didn't want to, but she didn't know what else to do. He'd reminded her what it was like to be loved, to be with someone who didn't see a label, just the person. He was the only person to look at her scars and be sad, instead of telling her she kicked ass. He was the only person to not shy away from her as soon as he saw her headjack.
Love, one; Shepard, zero.
Tears stung at the corner of her eyes as emotions threatened to overwhelm her. She whispered a hasty, "Goodbye," and tore out of the cab, not wanting him to see just how much of a fool she was for breaking the third rule and dreaming of a future with white picket fences and true love.
Rain mixed with her tears as she ran, half afraid that he'd run after her, half afraid that he wouldn't. She paused at the transport and looked back one more time. He hadn't left and she found herself caught, bravery suddenly finding embers in her heart with which to fuel itself. She could run back to him. She still had time, it wasn't too late. She teetered on the edge. She wanted nothing more than to run up to him, stick out her hand with a devilish grin and say, 'Hi, I'm Alexis Shepard, and I'd very much like to date you.'
"Your I.D., ma'am?" an attendant tapped her on the shoulder, clearly annoyed that he'd had to step out into the rain to get her attention.
Suddenly deflated, she turned and scanned her I.D.
As the shuttle was taking off, she realized that all she had now was a broken heart and the blue-green seashell he'd given her, resting in her pocket. She pulled it out and fingered the ridges, tears brimming in her eyes.
She should have gone after him.
