It was a chilly evening in Moscow, as Sergei Dragunov and Nina Williams were dancing all alone on the snow covered Red Square.

"Vat say you, krasnaya?" asked Sergei. "Shall ve make the out?"

"Haha, you are so fucking dirty!" said Nina, who had a New Jersey accent.

"Ahh, Nina. You are strong as bear, and nice as svaan." recited Sergei. "And as sexy as old high-school biology teacher."

"Stop it, ya beast." flirted Nina.

"And you turn me on ven you shoot. Especialy ven you shoot me. " continued Dragunov, and looked in her eyes intensely.

"Like I did for Christmas? That was fucking good!" and they made out for about a minute, before Dragunov broke off.

"Owwwwwwwwwwwwww! Vho put dart in butt?" asked Sergei as he plucked a dart out of his butt.

"I did." said Kazzy Cupid as he landed with his JACK squad nearby.

"So, you again, comrade Kazzy." said Dragunov with a wary voice as he eyed Kazzy.

"Yes, me... and my Lovefying Jackupid Squad." said Kazzy in a TV anchorperson voice.

"What did you do to Serg, ya fucking faggot?" asked Nina as she whipped out am AK-47.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahaha!" laughed Kazzy maniacaly. "I hit him with a powerful love dart which will make him a lover of unimaginable proportions."

"That's it, paisan! Say hello to my Kalasnikov!" shouted Nina as she fired an entire clip at Kazzy, but he dodged all the bullets, again.

"Your weapon is outclased." stated a Jackupid with a Schwarzenegger accent. "You will be terminated."

"Hey, Serg. I'm getting pinched over here!" whispered Nina to Sergei who was just standing up straight.

"Now you will see the effects of my love dart." exclaimed Kazzy in triumph.

But instead crazily kissing Nina and getting all cheesy, Dragunov calmly pulled out a bottle of Vodka and took a swig.

"What's the matter with you?" asked Kazzy. "You were supposed to be overcome with the spirit of Valentine's day."

"I am overcome by Votka. In Russia, ve don't celebrate Valentin. Ve celebrete Triphun, protector of people vho get drunk." stated Dragunov as he calmly continued his getting drunk.

"Whooa, culture shock!" shouted Kazzy. "We need to assimilate him! Bring out the Lovefyer Super Aphrodisiac Cannon!" he ordered the Jackupids.

"Affirmative." and they brought out the LOVE SAC.

"Hold it, ya fucking dipshit!" shouted Nina. "Nobody shoots my man... except me." she added after a pause, and she fired her Kalasnikov, destroying a Jackupid.

"Now I know why you cry." said the Jackupid as it died.

"Retreat, minions!" shouted Kazzy as he and the Jackupids retreated.

"That's it, run ya pussy! And I don't want to see ya on my turf ever again! Capiche?" shouted Nina after them.

"Hey...hic... Nina my fragile cov." started Dragunov in a drunken voice. "Let's get hic, drunk."

"Fuck! You're so wasted!" stated Nina as she slapped him.

"Da... camarad Dragunov... veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy drinkie!"


AN: Da, comrade Caligula deliver. Just for the record, Triphun is realy celebrated in Russia.