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Queen Bulma-Chan: lol thanks!
DBZKyoto: I admit I didn't expect to see you here. So, heya! nwn
This chapter is rated T+ for brief mild language and some inappropriate humor.
I like how this fic is doing based on how new it is. It has three reviews, two faves, and two followers. I promise, this isn't very good right now, but it will definitely get better in the Freeza saga. I have plenty in store when I reach the Cell saga. From now on, some humor may be kind of…vulgar. You can still read it if you're at least 14.
From now on, at the end of each chapter, I think I will list the power levels of the main characters of the chapter. I've seen power level charts, but most weren't very accurate. Most also didn't consider factors such as Goku's ssj being weaker when he fought Freeza due to his injuries. That was why Trunks's ssj was so much stronger than Freeza than when Goku fought him. I will do what I can to make power levels as accurate as possible. And yeah, I know some won't be 1000 percent accurate. But for now, please, enjoy the next chapter of DBZBJP.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this fic except the jokes, but the muffin button joke in chapter one is from TeamFourStar of Youtube. And yeah, MasakoX. This means I'm not paying you.
Chapter 3: Monkeys and Woodwind Don't Mix
Last time on DBZBJP, Goku and Piccolo challenged Saiyan Raditz to a battle to get back Gohan. The battle was almost too much for them. Even together it was almost impossible to beat him. When all seemed lost, Gohan unexpectedly attacked, stalling Raditz and allowing Goku and Piccolo to prepare to continue the battle. Eventually, they beat Raditz, but at the cost of Goku's life. The others plan on bringing him back, of course. Piccolo then decides to kidnap Gohan and train him. Technically that's not pedophilia. I mean, Piccolo Jr. was only born like six years ago, so he's about 11. Will Gohan, Piccolo, and the Z Senshi be enough? If you want to find out how they prepare themselves, KEEP READING!
"Huh. So this is the afterlife?" Goku had found himself in front of a humongous red ogre that towered at least three stories over him. "Or is this Shrek?"
"No, you had it right the first time," muttered the ogre, looking slightly offended. Suddenly, a wrinkly green man came running.
"Wait, King Yemma!" he shouted. "I have something to ask of you!"
For some reason, Goku looked really excited. "Holy turd, Yoda!? Have you come to make me a Jedi!?"
"Close. I'm Kami, and I'm about to ask King Yemma to let you train with King Kai." Of course, Goku hadn't even been paying attention to half of what he said. Kami sighed. "King Yemma, does he have your permission to reach King Kai?"
The behemoth thought to himself. He glanced at Goku. "Do you have what it takes to reach King Kai's planet? You'll have to run across Snake Way, which is 10,000 miles long. If you fall off, you'll end up in Hell, never to return. Do you think you're able to do it?"
"Hey, is Raditz on Sesame Street?"
Yemma looked surprised. "Nooo, he's in Hell."
"Oh, then yeah, I can run Snake Way."
"Well, okay. He has a clean record. He's cleared. One of my ogres will take you. Good luck, Goku."
A considerably shorter, skinnier blue ogre walked up to Goku. "Hello, Son Goku. I have come to escort you to Snake Way. Follow me. Come into my car."
Goku laughed. "You remind me of Mr. Popo." The purebred Saiyan obeyed, for he thought the ogre was going to tell him to do shirtless push-ups with him. Mr. Popo had said that it was one of the most efficient exercises. He got into the car and the two drove off together on a mysterious adventure.
-DBZBJP-
Piccolo was flying towards a rocky area. It was similar to the Spinach Wastes, but there was one noticeable difference. This wasteland included a small pond, which was where Piccolo was headed. That's about it. When he landed, he dropped his cargo into the pond. "Wake up, sleepyhead."
The thing he had thrown suddenly sat up, gasping for breath. It was the oddly dressed toddler Gohan. "Wait, where am I?" he asked once he was able to speak. "This doesn't appear to be the location I was in when I was conscious. And where is Daddy?"
"Your dad's dead," replied Piccolo, not in the least concerned. "He committed suicide while I killed your uncle." Gohan gasped when he heard the word 'suicide'. "The others are going to bring him back with the dragon balls. Two more Saiyans that are far stronger than Raditz will arrive on Earth in a year. They will be after the dragon balls and want to destroy the world. We cannot let this happen. I will be training you here for the year. I'm not going to tell you where you are, since you'll probably run away."
"I'm in the Break Wasteland, right?"
"Wow, you're good."
"I'll stay and train anyways. I can't study if there's no planet to study on. I'll defend my home, but I'm going back to studying afterwards, Green Dude."
Piccolo was immediately annoyed. "The name's Piccolo."
"You kidnapped me. If it irks you so much, I'll call you whatever the hell I want, Mister Piccolo."
"If you don't call me just Piccolo, I'LL SNAP YOUR PUNY LITTLE NECK!"
"Whatever you say, Just Piccolo. Oh, and by the way, you're in no position to threaten me. You need me, so you can't hurt me."
"You're such a pain, kid. You know what? I'll just leave you here all by yourself for the next six months. If you survive that long, I'll train you. How do you like that, huh?"
"Wait, what?" Gohan almost immediately lost his tough guy act. "I can't live here all by myself! I'm only four years, five months, twenty four days, seven hours, eight minutes and forty two seconds old! I can't survive on my own out here, I'm not strong enough! I'll die!"
"You mad, bro?" taunted Piccolo. Well, this seems as good a time as any, he thought to himself. He picked up Gohan and threw him at a large plateau not far off. Gohan was screaming at the top of his lungs, and he has pretty big lungs. Suddenly, a strange blue aura enveloped him, quickly turning into a ball of light. Gohan's look of fear became one of rage.
That's it, that's it, Piccolo thought. "DO IT NOW, GOHAN! USE HYPER BEAM!"
Out of Gohan's blue orb shot a ki blast larger than any Kamehameha or even Raditz's Double Sunday. Upon contact, the plateau was immediately incinerated, barely lasting three seconds. Gohan fell to the ground completely unharmed, although shocked at himself. This particularly ridiculous-looking move is not used again for the rest of the series.
"The kid has more power than I thought," muttered the green man. He too was shocked at the boy's capabilities.
"There's no way that was me," stammered the demi-Saiyan. "The probability is simply so slim! Only my daddy can do a blast like that!"
"No," said Piccolo, walking up to Gohan. "Not even your father could do a blast like that. You have a lot of hidden potential. You're stronger than any of us, even me and Goku. The problem is, you can't control it. I'm going to teach you to control your power so that we can use it against the Saiyans."
"If you say so," Gohan muttered with a sigh. "But I'm not gonna stay here unless you personally train me. Otherwise I'm going back home to train, or maybe I'll find a place much more suitable than a wasteland such as this."
Piccolo couldn't help but groan. "Dear Kami, why do you have to make everything so much more difficult than it needs to be? Oh, right. Your mother is a cow, and your father is an imbecilic monkey." When he received a glare from the toddler, he quickly made up his mind. "All right, all right! I'll stay, but I won't be with you. I'll watch you from a distance, and I won't interfere unless something really bad happens."
"Humph. So be it."
"Shut up, kid. You're reminding me of my daddy, who YOUR dad brutally murdered!"
"Whatever, Just Piccolo."
-DBZBJP-
Krillin was wearing the tux that he only wears on special occasions. In this case, there were two occasions. One was to tell the stubborn, raging cow of a woman Chichi about the death of her husband and the kidnapping of her child. The other one was just to prepare for Krillin's funeral.
It didn't take very long for Chichi to make an appearance. "Waddya want baldy? Would you care to come in, dearie? Or are you too cool to come in, is that it?! Well, feel free to join us!" It was then that Krillin knew…. He was doomed. Against his better judgment, he took up her offer.
Krillin, Chichi, and the great Ox King Gyu Mao ate dinner together. Krillin decided that now would be the best time to tell her the news, since she wasn't in one of her mood swings.
"So, um, Chichi, well, I don't know how to tell you this without upsetting you, but, uh, you see, your husband got killed in a battle with his long lost brother, who had kidnapped Gohan. Your son was knocked unconscious during the battle, and was then kidnapped by Goku's worst enemy, Piccolo, to be trained who-knows-where rather than to study, because of two more Saiyans coming to earth for the dragon balls. If they get their hands on those, they'll wish the other Saiyan back and kill everyone, including Piccolo, and if he dies, no one gets brought back. Gohan would get killed, too. The Saiyans won't be here for a whole year, so that's how long Gohan will be gone and how long Goku will be dead."
When the ex-monk finished his story, Chichi looked ready to snap. "You… you are kidding, right? Because if you aren't kidding, I will shackle you to the ceiling of the basement, put a gag in your mouth, skin you alive with a steak knife, and whip your raw, bleeding flesh 327 times-"
"Ehehe, good thing I'm joking then, right?" Chichi's speech had seriously creeped the hell out of Krillin.
"You are? Well, that's good news! Spend the night with us." Like an idiot, Krillin agreed. He should've known that the Son matriarch wasn't as stupid as she seemed.
That night, Krillin was sharing a room with the snoring Gyu Mao. The monk couldn't possibly get any sleep, even without Chichi practically breathing down his neck. But, oh, of course, the Ox Princess was doing just that. Her ragged breath could be heard coming down the hallway. Krillin did the smartest/stupidest thing he could; he crawled out the window, not to be seen for three days.
-DBZBJP-
Goku was just coming out of the blue ogre's car, his breathing labored and his hair even wilder than it normally is. He had been right; those sit-ups really did wonders for your nervous and integumentary systems. Goku was presently at the head of a large stone serpent, its mouth wide open, revealing sharp concrete fangs longer than the Saiyan's legs.
"So, this is Snake Way, huh?" he asked aloud. He turned back to the ogre. "Hey, isn't 10,000 miles like… four inches?"
The ogre just stared at his charge in surprise, his wide eyes even wider than they usually are, giving a look that could easily be mistaken as, "Let's continue our exercises." Soon that dumbfoundedness became blank and smiley once more. "Just trek that thing just like I showed you in the car. Go as fast as you can. Don't stop, even when you're tired. Do you understand?"
Realization dawned on the haloed alien. "Ohhh, so that was what all that training meant!" A thought then popped into his head. "Hey, you know Fortuneteller Baba, right?" The aquamarine ogre just chuckled, so Goku decided to continue. "Okay, well, tell her to tell the others not to bring me back for a whole year."
"Oh, and why is that?" the ogre inquired. "Is it to give yourself time to reach King Kai and train?"
Goku shrugged. "Eh, I dunno. I guess just cause I feel like it." This comment, of course, puzzled the ogre to no bounds. Goku then turned away. "Well, I guess I better get going now."
"Oh, I suppose," muttered the ogre. "No funny stuff, okay, Goku?"
The Saiyan looked back at the ogre. "Okay, whatever that's supposed to mean. Well, thanks mister…. You know, I never got your name."
"The name's Becky Jr." Awkward silence.
"…"
"…"
"….Well, I really have to get going now." Glad for something to break the tense silence, the celestial Saiyan waved and faced Snake Way. He then jumped onto the head and started at a light jog. Not once did he turn back, except that one time twenty minutes into the trip to go back and ask for a cheeseburger. Of course, he couldn't take just one.
Later on, when he had eaten enough food to starve Yemma for half a month, he finally began his journey to save the world.
-DBZBJP-
"WHADDYA MEAN, A WHOLE YEAR!" Bulma was hysteric at Baba's news. "I knew he was an idiot, but what kind of dolt would leave us to defend our own sorry asses when he knows he'll actually make a difference?!" She began to throw one of her everyday tantrums. At the moment, she was wearing her Scouter, thinking it matched her blue spaghetti-strap tank top and tan shorts, and, somehow, it did.
"Calm down, Bulma," rasped the witch. "I'm sure he knows…" Baba went into a coughing fit. She began to clutch her heart, then promptly fainted. Bulma, along with Krillin, Roshi, Oolong, and Krillin, who had been simply watching the argument, stood there, not knowing what to do. Roshi, surprisingly, was the first to snap out of it.
"Well, my dear sister seems to have had another heart attack."
Baba's eyes snapped open. "Dear me," she muttered. "Now what was I saying? Ah, yes, that's right. I'm sure he knows what he's doing. King Yemma told me himself that your friend Goku is running on Snake Way, which will greatly boost his endurance. On the end he will meet the great King Kai, the protector of the North Quadrant of the galaxy, and be trained in the ways of the Kai. This way, he will become much stronger than he would be if he trained on Earth." At this point, the witch was gasping for air, never have talked for so long in her life. She looked ready to have cardiac arrest again, but she soon recovered. Once she had, she finished relaying her message. "Oh, by the way, my crystal ball won't show Earth's future, so you're all probably going to die."
The audience audibly gulped. A minute or so later, a faint whirring noise could be heard. Krillin's eyes widened, and goose bumps appeared on his arms, legs, and scalp. "ZOINKS!" He latched himself onto Oolong, making loud chattering noises. The reason soon became apparent. A red air-car was racing over the water. Inside it was none other than Son Chichi, with Gyu-Mao hanging off the rear bumper, hanging on for dear life.
"YOU GET YOUR SORRY BUTT BACK HERE, KRILLIN! I NEED TO TEACH YOU A THING OR TWO ABOUT LEAVING WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO, YOU ASSHOLE!"
Krillin flew off to tell Tien, Chaotzu, Yajirobe and Yamcha what happened so that they could train. However, Krillin wasn't seen until two weeks later. A Blue Star City detective found him in the fetal position hiding under a sewer grate.
So, I hoped you guys liked this chapter, despite it being two months since I posted a chapter. Well, high school keeps me busy enough. Therefore, most chapters will take somewhere between a month and three until summer comes around. Then, it will probably be somewhere between a day and a month.
I'm fine with flames. Tell me what I can do better, or offer jokes that I can use in the Fanfic. Just please, no short, dumb reviews like 'your stupid' or 'get better'. Any review/ follow is very much appreciated, though, but not necessary. They are welcome, but I won't go "Gimme this," or "Gimme that."
Power Levels
Goku
473 (Dying makes you more durable.)
Gohan
4 (smack-talking Piccolo)
1352 (thrown at conveniently placed boulder)
Chichi
7 (being a generally friendly housewife)
25 (really pissed off)
Piccolo
256 (with weights, resting)
Krillin
209 (resting)
300 (running for his life)
Kami
20 (just for being an old fart)
Roshi
139 (just for being the world's strongest old fart)
I think we're good on that for now. Well, see you later! -Big J
