Hi friends! OK. So I'm impatient. I decided to just have my sister beta read it for me. I couldn't wait to share the longest chapter so far (and the most important in my opinion). Constructive criticism is very very appreciated! I'm still getting used to so please bare with me! Thank you again for sticking around, please leave a review! They motivate me a lot! And wow, I updated within 2 weeks, can you believe?
Let's get this going shall we? Note: there's more cursing in this. But I'm assuming you guys assumed there would be. It is Rated T after all!
/
Juvia spent most of the past week weighing her options.
There was a lot of back and forth, maybe's and what if's, each proposition led to another, and needless to say it drained the poor water mage. To think that this would be an easy decision for her would be a flat out lie.
This choice that Eryna left her consumed Juvia. The fear and excitement this opportunity brought stirred something overwhelming within her. She was a strong girl, but was she strong enough to take this step that could change her life forever?
There were many things holding her back, many reasons she should say no to going to Edolas. First of all, she wasn't supposed to go to Edolas. That's not where her path had brought her. If she was supposed to meet Gray Surge, why didn't fate bring them together when it had the chance all those years ago? Secondly, how would her Edolas version feel if she just came out of nowhere, planning to meet the man who supposedly adored her to pieces? If Edo-Juvia was anything like she presumed her beloved Gray to be, she certainly must have some sort of soft spot for her admirer. And Juvia didn't want to start any trouble at all between her and her Edolas self.
And the last thing that bothered Juvia, the one reason that caused her the most inner turmoil...Gray Fullbuster.
She was listening when Eryna told her to make this choice for her own sake, but Juvia wouldn't be who she was without the man she loved. To not take him into consideration would feel like betrayal to Juvia, and she would never betray somebody she cared about. And despite the way he's been treating her lately, she could never hate him. She knew deep down, there must be a reason, and she could not just lose faith just like that.
But then again, there were reasons she should go to Edolas.
From what she has heard in the stories, Edolas sounded beautiful, breathtaking, somewhere you'd never be bored of. It would be the ultimate adventure. This was a once in a lifetime chance, and Juvia would think of herself as a fool to give it up for no good reason.
And Gray Surge.
If Edolas really was a twisted mirror world of this one, then there was a version of her dear Gray-sama that was feeling as crappy as she was, and the thought of her beloved feeling such hurt and emotional distress physically pained Juvia. She wanted nothing more than for Gray to be happy, Edolas or Earthland version.
And lately, it seems as if Earthland Gray would be happier if she wasn't around.
With the thought of the man who owned her heart, Juvia's eyes slowly drifted open, the bright sunlight peeking through her blinds. She could tell that she slept in late today, result of her exhausting predicament no doubt.
The bluenette yawned, stretching her arms above her head, not bothering to check Gray's side of the bed. She knew he wasn't there anyways.
With a slight forlorn expression, Juvia rose from her bed, adjusting her pajama dress before slipping on her bunny slippers. She wouldn't be going to the guild today. Like Eryna said, she had a lot of thinking to do.
/
Gray was stressed out to say the least.
And the stress was eating him alive.
Every minute of everyday was filled with thoughts of the bluenette. The way she smiled haunted him, the way her hands felt so soft whenever she'd latch onto his arm, the way she said his name, every aspect of the girl he promised an answer to drove him crazy.
Literally.
He was confused at first, why he was feeling sudden, painful sensations whenever he was thinking of her, but after lots of research, and some help from Levy (who conducted all the research), he found out it was because of the stupid demonic magic he possessed. Turns out, it maximized the effect of every horrible emotion out there: fear, anger, panic, and definitely stress. Whoop-dee-fucking-do.
And it didn't help that he was being pressured by his guildmates to finally make his move.
How did they find out about his intimate promise to Juvia anyway? Wait.
That woman probably sang to the heavens and everyone in Earthland that Gray finally acknowledged her feelings for him. The dramatic image of an all-sunshine-and-gumdrops Juvia singing carelessly into the void made him laugh quietly to himself as he sat alone in the middle of a clearing, enjoying his lunch.
But that happy image was soon replaced with one of a teary-eyed Juvia standing in their home.
He remembers one day, this one day where his demon slayer magic really took the reigns on his stress and nerves. It was the day that signified a year since he told Juvia he'd finally give her the answer she deserved. He knew Juvia would remember that day as well, as she was always making up random "anniversaries" that weren't even real anniversaries technically. This fact only added to his stress then, she'd probably bring his promise of an answer, he didn't necessarily have yet, up. And it bugged him. A lot.
He went home that day knowing he'd disappoint her, yet again. The nervousness he was feeling only intensified when he saw that Juvia had prepared a beautiful meal for two consisting of homemade pasta and fresh garden salad. It didn't help that she looked absolutely stunning in a simple white, cotton dress and a goddamn apron that said, "Kiss the Cook", either. His emotions only grew wilder at the sight before him, and the demonic magic with him seemed to react as well.
His body moved on his own, and before he knew it, he was screaming at poor, innocent Juvia. The words he yelled at her that day still chilled him to the bone. They rang in his head so clearly, "Who do you think you are? Did I tell you to make dinner? Who said I'd even eat in the same space as you?!" He had no control over his actions, and it scared the shit out of him. He was breaking her poor heart and all he could do was stand there and watch as his demon slaying magic controlled him like a puppet.
He would never forget the look of betrayal and hurt on her face as he threw the food she worked so hard to make in the trash.
Even if he wasn't one hundred percent sure about where his feelings stood for the water mage, he could still easily say that leaving her in tears that night tore him to shreds.
Since then, he's been trying to find ways to keep the demonic magic at bay so he can prevent himself from hurting the people he cares about the most. He asked other mage's, like Mira, how to deal with such a dark magic. Though they didn't know much since demon slayer magic was such a rarity. He even tried visiting Porlyusica for some type of medicine or potion that would help him control his magic. In fact, that's where he was heading back from now. He was successful in his trip, learning of pink liquid that Porlyusica created, claiming it would calm the painful sensation down if he took a droplet of it each day. All he had to do was wait a week or so for her to finish finding the ingredients and preparing it. He was taking responsibility for his actions and tried avoiding Juvia throughout the day as much as possible, in order not to hurt her. He couldn't afford her seeing him in a different light, not when she was such an important person in his life.
Now, that's not to say he doesn't partially blame his guildmates who keep pestering him about making Juvia wait too long for his foul actions. Besides, what did they know about his and Juvia's relationship anyway? Wasn't moving back in with her enough of a move to please those nosy bastards? It wasn't like she was going anywhere. They were the ones who triggered the beastly magic within him to stir in the first place.
Gray released a loud sigh, he had to finish soon and return back home to Juvia after his three day "mission" (it was more like a search for medicine). He just hoped that she would just leave him alone with his thoughts tonight. He was knackered.
/
Juvia was going to confront Gray about her ordeal tonight.
She had it all planned out. Juvia was going to invite him for a quick chat on their sofa, trying to act as cool and nonchalant as possible so as to not worry Gray. And then she'd start off with some small talk, which he will hopefully take part in. And once she thinks she's finally succeeded in making him feel comfortable, bam! She would ask Gray a question that's been the last and final factor holding her back from going to Edolas.
And depending on Gray's answer...Juvia will finally know which path to take.
At the moment, she was debating with herself whether or not to prepare dinner. She was craving some dumplings, which she knew Gray also liked. Should she still make him some despite his demands that she shouldn't? She respected his words, honestly, but it was in her nature to give. Maybe she could actually make extra and claim it's just leftovers...
Just as Juvia was about to grab her apron, she heard the front door click open. She didn't have time to react, her bedroom door swinging open just mere seconds after.
She was surprised to see Gray home so early. Well, others would consider coming home at 9 at night rather late, but for Gray, it was unusually early. He looked exhausted too, as if he just returned from a trek across multiple cities. The bags under his eyes were dark, and his hair was messier than usual. He looked both mentally and physically exhausted. By the way Gray slumped over to their bed, it looked like he was going to fall apart at any moment. Juvia was quick to rush to his aid.
"Gray-sama!" She brought the back of her hand to his forehead, checking for a fever. "You're a mess!"
"Gee, thanks, Juvia."
Juvia shook her head, her imagination running wild. "What happened on your mission? How badly does it hurt? Juvia will fetch you some medicine-"
"I'm fine. Just..." Gray grit his teeth as if he were experiencing an intense ache somewhere in his body. Juvia's blood ran cold. Had he been sick long? "Just tired."
"Are you sure? You look like you've just seen a ghost!" Juvia sat at the foot of the bed, all worries of irritating the ice mage gone, replaced with concern over his wellbeing. Their personal problems could wait for later.
Gray groaned. "Er. Something like that."
"Do you need any help from Juvia?" She asked softly, not quite sure why she was speaking so low.
"Nah. Just go on and do whatever you were doing before I got here. Quit your worrying. It gets overbearing." Gray's eyes were squeezed tight, the pain he was experiencing clear on his face. Juvia's heart ached at the sight. She reached over, about to brush a few stray hands of hair away from his damp forehead, but without even opening his eyes, his hand darted out to catch hers. "You're still worrying." His tone was testing.
Juvia sighed deeply. "She is sorry, Gray-sama. She wishes she could trust your word but..."
"But what? You don't trust me anymore?" Gray slowly opened one eye to watch her, not surprised to see a soft blush adorning her face. He was only teasing, expecting her to deny him right away, but she was hesitant to answer. It concerned him.
"Juvia...Juvia has been unsure lately of her feelings for Gray-sama."
That immediately caught his attention. He sat up straight, his brows furrowed as he eyed her carefully. What was up with her? "What do you mean?"
"If Gray-sama doesn't want Juvia around anymore...he can just say so." He could tell it was hard for her to speak her mind, she took short pauses in between each of her words. Her reluctance to open up to him only made the ice mage more worried...and the demon inside him angrier.
"Juvia, when have I ever said that? I'm the one who suggested we move back in together in the first place!"
"Yes, but lately...Gray-sama has seemed a bit mad at Juvia." Her voice was as soft as a whisper, as if the words spoken broke her heart. And if he were to be honest with himself, they probably did.
"Well, I'm not mad." He stated, his voice betraying him however, the tone of his voice sounding harsh and bitter. What? He couldn't help it! It has been a long three days.
Juvia looked up at him warily through her thick lashes. "Are you sure? Please be honest with Juvia." She pleaded. It was then that he realized she must've been just as stressed out as he was about this whole ordeal over where their relationship stood. Which was understandable. A relationship could never concern just one person after all. And stress loved to have more than one victim.
Gray swallowed his pride (and the growing ache in his chest). Those eyes, those goddamn eyes. They were his ultimate weakness. "I-I will always want you by my side, Juvia." Juvia's eyes lit up with a sliver of hope. It made a chill run down Gray's spine. He needed to correct himself before things got carried away.
"We're nakama." He quickly added. He tried ignoring the disappointed look on her face.
"Oh... So, Gray-sama doesn't hate Juvia?" Just the mere fact that she thought that was enough to make Gray's guilt intensify, and the queasiness in his stomach worsen.
He was definitely an asshole. Anyone who made Juvia feel less than enough deserved a nice, hard jab to the jaw.
Somewhere between Juvia's question and Gray's hesitation, Juvia reached out to take his hand and placed it in her lap. His eyes stayed locked on where their fingers interlaced. He couldn't find it in himself to pull away. What did she moisturize her skin with? Fucking angel tears?
Gray took a deep breath. "I don't hate you. And I don't think I ever will." He never expected to speak of something so revealing, so vulnerable, out loud. Especially to the water mage who claimed he was everything good in this world. Gray laughed bitterly at the thought, he was anything but that. Gray's free hand gripped his stomach as it twisted painfully. He really must be the worst, feeling guilty all the time.
Juvia's grip on his hand tightened and he was forced to meet eyes with her once more. His eyes widened at the sight of tears. "Gray-sama..." There he goes again, giving Juvia a surge of false hope.
Gray was about to open his mouth to ask her if she could let him rest now in hopes of escaping the sickly pain, but she cut him off.
"Juvia must ask you a question." Juvia had been mentally preparing herself to bring this up even before Eryna offered a chance to go to Edolas.
He was reluctant. There was a certain urgency in her tone that made Gray nervous. "Uh, sure." Gray suddenly felt the urge to strip, since when did it get so hot in here?
He watched as Juvia inhaled a deep breath slowly, her eyes squeezed tight. When she opened them, he saw a type of determination he only witnessed from her in battle. It made Gray's breath hitch. And just a few seconds later, the beautiful woman before him spoke the words he avoided so desperately.
"Juvia needs to know when you plan on giving her your answer."
Gray choked on his own saliva. He sputtered, his hand still tightly clutched in hers, "W-what?"
Juvia frowned. "You have made Juvia wait for almost half a year, Gray-sama..." His immediate response didn't give Juvia a good impression, had he remembered about the promise at all?
Being reminded of his fault caused his head to pound painfully. He knew this probably wasn't going to end well. "Has it really been that long?" He feigned ignorance. He knew exactly how long he's made her wait, each day of putting it off was a cruel reminder of his cowardice. The pain in Gray's head and chest intensified.
Juvia nodded frantically. "Yes! Yes it has!"
Gray was hesitant, not sure how to react to her outburst. He settled on the vague excuse that he's been relying on since forever. "I just need a little more time."
As she let his words process, despite expecting them, the bluenette slowly drew in a breath. She eyed him then, slightly wary. She observed him carefully, trying to figure out how to respond. She knew that this conversation could only go two ways. One, he gave her an honest answer, or two, he would chicken out and give her another excuse. That was what had always happened. Usually, she'd brush it off and just smile her signature grin, because even if he shrugged off her advances, she was just happy to be in his presence.
However, since she's had a lack of it recently, it's given her a chance to think .
She would not blame Gray for his want of more time. Sure, maybe he asked too much of it, but she knew he wasn't doing it to try and hurt her. She believed that maybe, he honestly needed it. And yeah, he's made her wait for an awfully long time, but Juvia had faith in him, had faith that one day, he would be ready to finally open up his heart. Whether that be to her, oh how she hoped it would be her, or anyone else for that matter. Because her heart was once closed off like Gray's, protected by insecurities and irrational fears. But through him, she learned that living life that way was pointless, especially since it kept you from seeing how beautiful the world can truly be, and in the end, there was something she wanted more than Gray loving her back.
She wanted him to fall in love with the world.
And for him to do that, she needed to set him free.
Not from herself, of course (she would still see him at the guild after all!), but to set him free of his burdens, the burdens that she undoubtedly bestowed upon him by begging for the return of her affections. And there was only one solution to that problem that she could come up with.
She had a heavy heart, knowing that the words spoken next would be path defining, fate changing, and so unlike her. It took a lot time, thinking, and fighting for her to accept these words. She feared that saying this meant that she had given up, given up on him, the chase, everything she had fought so long and hard for. But Juvia realized that sometimes, if you have to fight for something at all, then that means you should also accept the probable outcome of losing.
And if Juvia was going to lose this battle, then she would do so as she did everything else. Gracefully.
When she had finally gained enough courage to speak the bittersweet words, she squeezed Gray's hand tightly, scared he'd slip away. Juvia locked eyes with him then, and she could have sworn she heard his breath catch in his throat.
She surprised him when she let out a sad laugh, "If that is your answer to Juvia's question...then Gray-sama does not need to worry anymore. Juvia will let go."
Gray furrowed his brows at her, he wasn't getting it. "Let go? Let go of what?"
Juvia ran the pad of her thumb against his palm. She didn't know when she'd be this close to him again. "She will no longer ask for more than you can give her. If you can't provide Juvia an answer, then do not worry about it. She can live without one."
A flash of panic appeared on Gray's face as he sat up straighter, his voice frantic, "What –are you saying you're okay with waiting for the rest of your life?" Gray paled, much to Juvia's concern.
Juvia corrected him, "No, no. Juvia means that if it troubles Gray so much to give Juvia a proper answer, then she doesn't need it. She doesn't want an answer if it means burdening you, Gray-sama."
Gray felt like he was about to throw up. "J-Juvia, please. I would feel like a total asshole leading you on-"
"You won't be leading anybody on, Gray-sama." Juvia's heart raced and ached at the same time, mentally preparing herself for finally admitting her proposition. She inhaled deeply, this would be it.
"Juvia will try to stop loving Gray-sama."
Gray felt like time had stopped and completely slipped away from him. His heart was pounding and breaking all at once. It was like the world had turned upside down on him in the blink of an eye and all that remained normal was the enchanting bluenette before him who had just told him that she was going to give up. Gray thought he was having a nightmare.
He must've stayed silent for quite some time because Juvia spoke again, "Did you not hear Juvia? She said she will-"
"I heard you loud and clear." His voice surprised himself, since when could he sound so... empty?
Juvia frowned. "Is that okay with Gray-sama? Will it lessen your burdens?"
He wanted to yell at her, 'No! Gray-sama is not okay with that!' But then he remembered her words from earlier, 'You have made Juvia wait for almost half a year...', and then a lump formed in his throat.
He stared at the beautiful woman who looked back at him so tenderly and wondered what he did to deserve someone who loved him so much that they were willing to let him go if it was for his sake. He had no right to deny her. He had driven someone who loved him dearly to self-doubt. Gray wanted to tear himself apart. Sure, he may not love her (if he did, he would know!), but she had become an important person in his life.
Juvia looked panicked. Why was Gray stone cold? "What Juvia means by trying to stop loving you, is that she will try to stop with all the obsessive behavior and dramatic, showy displays of affection. Certainly, Gray-sama will always hold Juvia's heart. She is just proposing that she gives him space and freedom from Juvia. Juvia already talked to Erza about moving back into Fairy Hills."
Gray felt like everything around him was spinning (from the pain in his body and the words she spoke). She was moving out? This time, he was the one to squeeze Juvia's hand. "By saying you want to grant me freedom, are you implying that you feel as if you're making me feel trapped?" Gray's throat felt dry as he spoke.
Juvia's reluctance to speak only further concerned Gray. Finally, she let out a soft sigh. "By you asking Juvia this, are you saying that you're not? Do not take Juvia as a fool, Gray-sama." Her voice held a certain conviction that vaguely reminded him of Erza. It made him shut right up.
"Juvia isn't lying when she says she loves you, Gray-sama. She notices every little thing about you. She notices how you always put on your right pant leg before the left. She notices how you always bite the inside of your cheek whenever you hear someone say something you don't like. She notices all of your quirks and habits..."
Her words made the pain in his chest lighten. He felt like the bitterness in his throat would finally dissipate, that is until the bluenette slowly withdrew her touch away from his.
He watched Juvia's soft smile slowly turn into one of regret. "And Juvia also notices how you never look her in the eyes when she says 'I love you'. She notices how you roll your eyes at her whenever she offers you a gift, like Juvi-Bread. She notices how much her presence can really be unwanted sometimes. All of these things, they can not go unseen by Juvia..." Her voice was barely over a whisper and by the end of her list, Gray's heart felt like it had been stabbed by a million tiny blades.
He wanted to scream at her, tell her that she is wanted, but the lump in his throat was just too big to swallow. This was uncharted territory for him. Juvia showing how she has lost faith was uncharted territory for him.
"Juvia understands that you see her as nakama...but that doesn't mean you don't see her as anything else, like a stalker, a nuisance, or just a fangirl with false love. And before, Juvia thought that she could only live for you, even if that did mean living for someone who didn't pay her a single thought."
Gray was angry now, how could she just say that he basically didn't give a damn about her? How can she fucking say that? Did he not prove how much he cared about her already by inviting her to live with him, again? Gray felt like ripping the hair from his skull. Why was he so frustrated? Juvia was just confessing her troubles like any close friend would to a comrade! Why was he so fucking scared?
"Juvia, I-" "Juvia realizes how selfish she has been." She cut him off, her gaze boring into his own. "It was selfish of her to throw herself at you nonstop and expecting you to love her back. And now Juvia can see the toll it has taken on the man she loves. She does not think of Gray's word as false when he said he was thankful for having Juvia by his side, but Juvia can't help but wonder if Gray had been influenced to say such kind words by Juvia's obsessive behavior."
He could no longer the panic and guilt creeping up over every inch of his skin. "What do you mean? I said I was thankful for you and I meant it! Quit with this talk, Juvia, you're probably just tired. Come on, let's just go to bed because you're scaring me-"
"If Gray-sama felt pressured to make a move on Juvia, and wasn't making a move on his own accord, because he himself wanted to...then Juvia will not burden you by making you do something you do not want to do."
God, why did she keep saying that? Why did Juvia feel the need to say shit that sounded so tragic like that?
"You're not a burden! How many times do I need to fucking say it? You're nakama."
Juvia raised a brow up at him in question. "Are you saying you haven't felt burdened by Juvia recently? Remember Gray-sama, Juvia notices every little thing. Even details about how much you've been stressing out lately."
And then his mind went back to all of his episodes, all of the recent times where his demon slayer magic went haywire and took control of his foul emotions...
But none of that was directly Juvia's fault! It could never be her fault, she was an angel. She was of pure innocence and everything beautiful in this world... It was their damn nosy guildmates who didn't know when to fucking quit fault. But then again... it certainly would help if there were less weights on his shoulders. Who knew what trouble he'd get himself into with his demon slayer magic if he went totally mad?
Gray really wanted to argue with her, but... did he really have a right?
"Juvia realizes her horrible timing... that maybe she and Gray-sama weren't meant to love one another right now. After all, you can't rush complicated things like the matter of the heart. That much she has learned." Juvia let out a sad laugh, a sad laugh that broke his heart. Why'd she have to let go of his hand? He really wanted to reach out and take hers again..
"So... Juvia will let go, she will let go of her obsessive admiration for Gray-sama. But not so easily can she stop loving him, nor does she want to. Gray-sama no longer needs to worry about her. She will step out. Juvia hopes that this will help you with whatever emotional turmoil you are experiencing." She spoke so gently towards him, as if he was a child.
He certainly did feel like one, he felt so small.
Gray's heart almost leapt out of his throat when he felt Juvia's hand softly cup his cheek. Her eyes gazed adoringly into his and he almost forgot that she was practically saying how she would let go of her fight for his love.
"Please do not think Juvia has just made this brash decision. She took a whole week to come to terms with how she felt our relationship as comrades should go..." She smiled sweetly at him then, and Gray could've sworn he blushed like a little schoolgirl. She was truly an enchantress...
"Juvia would like to end with thanking you for tolerating her... and once again apologizing for ever putting you through any form of distress."
The words were on the tip of his tongue, 'It was never just tolerating you, it was yearning to keep you with me.' But Gray could admit that he was sometimes a weak man. And Juvia was his ultimate weakness.
He wanted to ask her straight out, if this was her giving up on him, if this was her saying he waited too long.
But Gray was doubtful. This was Juvia after all. This was his Juvia, the one who always believed in him, trusted him, and loved him. She could never forget about him. Or so he hoped.
So, with apprehension, he left his question unsaid. He let his chest constrict as Juvia placed a soft kiss on his cheek, and he couldn't help but think of it as a parting farewell, despite knowing she wasn't moving out of town, or switching guilds. The lump in his throat was resilient and just wouldn't go away.
As Juvia's lips lingered near the skin on his cheek, she spoke words that gave him a sense of hope and a raging surge of fear.
"Maybe one day, if Gray-sama finally falls in love with Juvia, and Juvia hasn't already found another... then maybe we can try to be more than comrades."
And then it hit him.
This wasn't just Juvia giving him space, or time to come terms with his emotions.
This was Juvia's way of saying good-bye.
/
Yes I know. SHE'S STILL NOT IN EDOLAS. *GASP* but I'm trying to keep the pacing of this story not too fast. How am I doing? Am I going too slow? Like I said earlier, constructive criticism along with tips to improve are much appreciated!
Leave a kind review if you enjoyed.
See you within two weeks! (Or less, we shall see ;D)
