Can't Be Anyone Else

S01E02

Episode: Lost souls

In a little while,
People and places will be so far behind,
Out of my body,
In a little while,
I will play aces, And raise my glass in an act of defiance.

Brooke had made Haley forget for a little while, how nervous she had been about going back to school but now it all came rushing back to her.

The building was much larger than she remembered and it looked more like a prison to her than a school.

Outside Haley could see all the beautiful people who attended the school. They all looked so colorful, smiley, and laughed as if they were taken out of a fairy tale! Well that, or they were on antidepressants! The last option was most likely…

Her heart pounded so fast, she was afraid it was going to pop out!

It was time to face her demons.

Until then, I'll scream until I'm hollow,
I'll carve it in my skin, save it for tomorrow.

Brooke gave her hand a light squeeze, and Haley gave her a nod: It was time for them to part.

Brooke hesitated for a split second, but she knew that she had made a promise.

She looked at Haley one last time, and Haley gave her the most reassuring smile she could muster, and in that way said, without words, that it was okay for her to go.

Brooke sighed and then left.

Haley saw her walking towards one of the groups of beautiful people, and saw them hugging her, welcoming her. Brooke belonged, but Haley had never felt more out of place.

Haley tried not to look at any of the other students as she was walking up the path past all the different groups. She disliked it when people stared back at her.

She felt like she was walking in slow-motion. She could feel her heart pounding against her chest, her footsteps echoing as they hit the concrete.

I'm gonna bang my drum,
I'm gonna make it come,
I'm gonna bring it on,
It's a heart attack,
I'm bringing it back to me.

Her legs felt like jelly: Like they could cave in at any time. In her mind she commanded them to withhold the pressure! And it must have worked, 'cause slowly, but steadily, she approached the giant main entrance.

Just breath, she reminded herself as she reached for the door knob. She breathed out slowly while opening the door.

The door was heavier than anticipated and it creaked. The creaking sound reminded her of an old scary mansion: The ones which were haunted with ghosts, or "lost souls" as Haley would call them.

There must be many lost souls in here as well, Haley thought to herself, as she looked at all the students who were trying to keep up their appearances, they were trying to hide their flaws - they wanted to make it look like they had their life under control.

They were trying to forget that feeling of being completely and utterly lost, which they carried around constantly.

In a little while,
It will be perfect, I'll have a perfect style,
Soon you will see,
Not a cloud in sight,
No Cumulus Nimbus,
Just ninety three percent degrees humidity.

As the door opened slightly, the noise from the chattering people grew louder, and as she opened the door even further the loud chatter increased as well. It was almost unbearable for her, she felt like her eardrums were going to pop out and she just wanted to go back to her quiet and safe home.

The noise send her body out of her "slow-motion-moment" and everything started to go by so fast: Everything was moving, so many people in motion: Walking, running, laughing, yelling.

She walked over the threshold, but her foot then hit the threshold as she was trying to cross it - This made her stumble, almost fall, through the door.

She managed to find her balance again and then looked down her feet:

"Damn you!", Haley said cussing at them quietly

"I thought we had an agreement: No tripping or falling! We were doing so well!"

She moved her head up quickly to see if anyone had noticed. She could feel her cheeks turning red and warm as the blood rushed to her cheeks, and she blushed in embarrassment.

She glanced around the hallway but no one seemed to have noticed.

Wait, did I just have a conversation with my feet?, she thought to herself while her shoulders dropped and she looked puzzled for a moment.

She shook her head slightly and grinned a little at her own weirdness (A/N is that even a word? If it is, it also suits me very well ; )

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING", someone shrieked in a high pitched voice while shoving Haley away from the entrance, to make her way through.

"Sorry", Haley mumbled startled and looked down ashamed, as she rubbed the arm the girl hit. Haley pulled up her bag a little, because she almost dropped it from the hard blow. She could feel the tears forming in her eyes; this was her first day, and already people hated her.

Why does school always have this effect on me?

It wasn't at all like her to cry and be so insecure. She thought she had grown out of it, but going back to school unfortunately seemed to bring back all the insecurities she had been carrying from her past.

She took a deep breath: The air was heavy, from all of the students who were in the hallway. It smelled like a mixture of a clinic; you know, sort of an inhuman smell, and it also smelled like dirty socks! It was a really weird mix…

Somehow taking the deep breath helped her calm down. Probably because the smell of socks were kind of toxic and it made her a bit woozy!

She gave herself a pep talk, reminding herself of how strong she really was, how much she had been through and how far she had come. It wasn't like her to give up, and she wasn't going to start now.

Haley looked up to see a girl with bouncing blonde hair disappear around the corner of the hallway: This was the girl who shoved her.

Haley waited until the blond girl had completely disappeared, until she began to move forward.

Her head was bend down, looking to the ground like she used to do when she was younger and went to school. She could feel herself slipping into the old role.

She tried to fight this feeling which was overwhelming her. It was like the weight of the entire school was upon her, forcing her down into this little box of what she was expected to be.

Then she became stubborn. She looked around and saw all these strangers who didn't know her, and probably never would, and thought to herself that they weren't going to control her. Sure she would admit that they still had some sort of unexplainable power over her that she couldn't change, but this time she was going to take some of that power back.

If I just keep it low key, then no one notice me, then I can be myself, without them controlling and judging me, she thought to herself.

In her mind it made perfect sense: By them not knowing who she was she would have the time to be herself instead of being forced into some role they would give her.

What she failed to see was that she in fact limited herself, because she was afraid of being limited!

It wouldn't make sense to many, but apparently it did to her.

RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGG GGGGGG

"Arghh", she shouted a little too loudly, while holding her hand above heart. It was beating so fast. That stupid bell really scared to crap out of her! The bell sounded more like a fire alarm or something, that had went off…

Naïve as she was, Haley actually did start to look around for a fireman who would tell everybody to move to the nearest exit, but all she met was some weird looks from people who had heard her scream…

She laughed nervously as she meet their looks…

"Gotta go!", she then said really fast and began to walk swiftly towards her first class.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. she thought to herself while trying to find her class. just because I wanted to meet a hot fireman!

She smiled a little to herself as she imagined the fireman dude person, swoop her up into his muscular arms, and save her from the burning school.

Of course the school wouldn't be able to be saved, and it got burned to the ground, so she had to stay home and eat ice-cream for the rest of her life ; )

Unfortunately, this was only wishful thinking, and reality hit her as she reached her first class: Math…

~…~