The six of them walked into the Academy and were directed to the amphitheater, it was big room with about 500 seats, they sat in the very back row, the rest of the room quickly filled up. John said,

"Why are we here?"

George said,

"Just watch and listen, it will all make sense."

The lights went down and a lone female figure stood at the podium, she said,

"Welcome to this afternoon's seminar, I am Dr. Sabrina Ross and I am a FBI psychiatrist who deals with PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have treated many cases of it, some very mild to recently the most severe. I retired three years from regular practice and just concentrated on speaking and writing books, I also testify as an expert in court cases. Two years ago I was called by a very good friend of mine, fellow FBI psychiatrist Dr. George Huang, he right now works with Manhattan SVU profiling their suspects to help the detectives get into their heads. Dr. Huang called and said he had an emergency case of a detective who was in the process of having a mental breakdown and who was suffering from a severe case of PTSD. Now you may ask how did Dr. Huang let it get so far? And why was he not treating him? Well, you can not help someone who refuses your help, you can only make it clear that if they want help the door is open, no matter what time. This detective finally fell far enough that he needed help and went through that open door. Dr. Huang did not treat him because PTSD is my specialty and not his. I have to say he was in really, really bad shape when I first met him, I was actually scared that we may have been too late. But he put his pride aside and let me help and I am happy to say after 2 years we have a success story. He has agreed to tell his story, the good, the bad and the awful and finally his recovery. He is not the only one who has gone through this or is going through it, this seminar is to open the door to the world of PTSD and what you need to do to help yourself. These jobs we do, we do to help the victims and catch the perps, we are seeing them in the worst 20 mins of their lives, but no one thinks of the toll it takes on us as professionals. His is our story and how we can help each other get through. First we will do the talk and if there are any questions either for our detective or myself we will answer them at the end."

She looked to the top of the room and saw the six of them, Dr. Huang gestured towards Olivia and Dr. Ross acknowledged the gesture with a half smile. She surveyed the room and said,

"Without further a due I would like to introduce First Grade Detective Elliott Stabler."

Elliot was nervous, it was only his 3rd lecture and he had the basics down pat but the idea of telling his story to so many people still unnerved him, but Dr. Ross was always there to make sure he was okay.

As Elliott took the stage and thanked Dr. Ross, John, Fin and Olivia sat there looking stunned at each other. Olivia looked at Elliott on the stage, he looked different not just because he was now sporting a full goatee, which she thought looked good on him, he was thinner than she remembered but still very well built, from her distance she thought he looked tanned, but despite the fact she knew he hated public speaking he looked relaxed.

Elliott looked around the room and because the lights were dimmed, to show slides behind him of PTSD symptoms and watch signs, he did not see his former work mates. He started to speak...

"As Dr. Ross said, I am Detective Elliott Stabler, I am retired after 25 years on the force. I joined the force in 1988 after 2 tours in the Marines. I became a father when I was 17 years old and being raised a "good" Catholic, I did right by the mother of my child and married her once we were done high school. We had only been together 4 months and my father's theory was "you play you pay". She was 17 also, it was the first time for both of us, and since I now had to support a wife and child, I joined the Marines to get some training and money. I got some really good skills while in the Marines, I became a hand to hand combat specialist and also got a college degree in law enforcement. By the time my first enlistment was done I had another child on the way. I enlisted again, my wife thought it was to get away from the kids but it was really for money. After my second tour, I was released with an honorable discharge and pension. I joined the police force and started out as a beat cop, then I was upgraded to detective and was given my first female partner when I was transferred to homicide, with having 2 young daughters I always worried about their safety, I noticed there were a lot of sex crimes and to get into the sex crime unit all I had to do was volunteer, there was no added training or anything like that it was on the job learning. By this time my wife was pregnant with another baby, which we later found out were twins, now the father of four I had more to worry about. I volunteered for the special victims unit and was teamed up with a male veteran Dave, who trained me how to be with Special Victims, the raped, the violated and children. I always found the cases that involved children and young girls the worst because I could see my kids in the victims. Dave retired after 4 years of being my partner and I was given a rookie female partner who had a lot spunk and turned out she evened me out in that where I was weak in people skills she was strong and her weaknesses were my strengths. She was my partner for 12 years until I had to walk away 2 years ago. She and I trusted each other with our lives, I always had her back and she always had mine – maybe too much. About 3 years into our partnership, which is kind of like a marriage in many ways, the cases we had were getting worse as we went along, and I was unable to talk to my wife about them because I didn't want to bring it home. When she would ask about my day I would say it was fine, and she asked if I talked to Olivia, my partner, about the my day and when I said yes my wife would get upset. I tried to tell her that I didn't want to bring my work home, I didn't want that world tainted by the horrible things I saw every day. The cases would keep me away from home for days sometimes, and it wasn't just me it was all my fellow officers in the unit. My wife didn't want to hear it, she thought I was avoiding coming home, and part of me was – I was never unfaithful to my wife but every bad case took a little piece of my soul and the constant jealousy and fighting with a woman who did not understand my job was taking its toll. My wife and I separated and Olivia being the partner she was tried to fix it for me even though I never asked her too. I went back to my wife but things were never the same, we had make up sex and she was pregnant again with my fifth child. By this time my first 4 kids were in the age range of 14 to 21, having another baby was not what I wanted, granted I love my son to death but I could not stay married to my wife just for his sake. I filed for divorce and this only fueled my wife's fire that Olivia and I were sleeping together, which we weren't, we had plenty of opportunities but we never crossed that line. Just to put it out there, having a good partner is like a second marriage, you need to trust them on all levels. We did undercover stings and operations where we were both in compromising positions, we played husband and wife, she played a prostitute and I was her john. We had such great chemistry that people always assumed we were married or a couple, we could finish each other's sentences, we shared lunches, even we were not afraid to drink out of the same cup. I know at one point I overheard there was a pool going around as to when we would consume our relationship, but that never happened, would I have been opposed if it had happened, No, she was my safe place." He got a little emotional as his voice broke. "And I know I was hers. We often joked that I was the longest relationship she ever had with a man, but that wasn't because she wasn't an amazing lady it was the job. In Special Victims, they say the average detective lasts 2 years, the four people which includes our Captain, I worked with all are in their teens for years there. I walked away after 18 years in Special Victims, I had a 97% closure rate on the cases I was primary on. But I didn't earn that alone, my partner is responsible for that number as much as I am. So between my divorce and the horribleness of the cases I continued to lose a bit of myself everyday. You may ask, why not get help, it was available. Well early on in my career, 4 years in with SVU the Chief decided to use our unit as experiments by doing psych evaluations on us due to the nature of our cases. I said in my evaluation that I fantasized about killing the perps, it got back to the Morris Commission at that time, that I fantasized about killing suspects. I had to answer to the Commission about a "confidential" session, I then had to see another therapist to have them declare me fit for the job, so I wasn't overly keen on talking. I told Olivia stuff but not everything. A few years into our partnership, Olivia was recruited by the FBI to help with a case and I was given a new partner while she was gone, by this time my divorce was final, Dani was my new partner, for 6 weeks. I ended up kissing her and invited her into my bed for one night of release – she said only if I was working towards a committed relationship, which I said no to. She turned me down, which I am thankful she did. She decided that SVU was not for her, she was having trouble was the cases and the nature of them and could not deal with the victims, she left. In the meantime, Olivia finished her undercover work with the FBI and came back to the squad. Little did I know, she had seen me kiss Dani and watched us getting chummy. I was always a suit and tie guy because I work out a lot and, not to toot my own horn, but these suits and ties do not highlight the muscles like a t-shirt does, – I got hit on a lot by suspects both male and female. But with Dani, I started to wear tighter shirts and jeans and minimal suits, I subconsciously was hitting on her – something I never did with Olivia. Once Olivia came back it was different with us, I questioned it and she asked about the new look and the kiss, knowing how Olivia thought I knew it had hurt her. It took some time for us to get to a new place, but by that time I was losing control, Olivia had to rein me in, I was losing my temper easier and faster, I used my fists alot sooner. Olivia finally one night got me to talk, we were working late and she got coffee and forced me to talk. I told her everything, she just listened, we got to a new understanding in our jobs and with our partnership, then one night when we were undercover I got shot twice, now I had been shot and stabbed before but this felt different I really thought I was going to die, I felt my life ending. Olivia got to me right after I hit the ground and she radioed for an bus, in layman terms an ambulance, she held me putting pressure on the bloodiest wound she was reassuring me I would ok, I said to her, "Liv, I am in love with y..." and I passed out. At that moment it was important for me to tell her I loved her, I didn't get it all out but she understood and whispered to me, "I know and I am in love with you." At this point, Olivia was crying and John, Fin and Cragen looked at her, she just looked away. "Once I got to the hospital, they fixed me up after 5 hours of surgery. When I woke up my 4 oldest kids were there. But again the bullets took away a little more of my soul. Olivia now knew I loved her and I knew she loved me, which put a different spin on our partnership, I knew I would never act on my feelings because we would not be able to be partners and one of us would have to transfer out, so we kept our feelings to ourselves, but we had a couple of cases where we dealt with a psychic and she told us after we interviewed her that we really needed to act on the love we had for each other as life was to short to waste, which was awkward since our Captain was listening and watching outside the interrogation room. So to this point, I am getting over my divorce, getting back with my partner who I am in love with but can't do anything about my feelings towards her and every case we take gets more horrific as we go on, and my feelings for her affected the way I handled the cases, I found myself putting her first over the victims. Emotionally I knew I was in trouble, we were like a well oiled machine and still closed 97% of my cases. Then the night that finished me, we were all in the squad room doing paperwork and 14 year old Jenna came into the room firing a gun at anyone in her way, she hit 4 officers and was headed towards Olivia firing her gun, I grabbed my gun and fired. The press crucified me, calling me Killer Cop, I was suspended and put on Administrative leave until IAB decided whether it was a good shoot or bad one. I looked at Olivia when I saw the paper and said, "I'm done." She insisted it would be fine and I would be cleared and she stated, 'You've been in worse situations'. But whether I was cleared or not..." His voice broke again, and he fought to maintain his composure. "Whether I was cleared or not, I knew I was done in Special Victims. When that bullet cracked leaving the barrel of my gun, something inside me snapped and all I was left with was the body of a 14 year old girl dying in my arms. I knew I would never be the same again. I was put on Administrative leave and handed in my gun and badge, once I was cleared I went back to the squad room and put an envelope in Olivia's desk draw and walked out never to go back again. I didn't say good bye to anyone I just left, I walked until I got to Dr. George Huang's office, he was just leaving as he was going to go to the squad room. He looked at me, invited me in and we sat down, I started to tell him what happened but I couldn't I just cried. Me who never cries, me who was raised to suck it up and deal with it. I cried uncontrollably for at least an hour, Dr. Huang said nothing. When I was finally composed enough to look up he had tears running down his face, I said to him, 'I am in big trouble here can you please get me some proper help'. For those who know me, they know I never ask for help, I have always considered myself unbreakable and the guy who gave help but never needed it. He picked up his phone and talked to Dr. Ross, they got me into a 12 month inpatient treatment center in upstate New York. Dr. Huang drove me there I never went home, I asked him what was wrong with me, and he in his unassuming gentle way said, 'you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you need help to fix it. And Elliott it is treatable with medication and a lot of therapy.' He told Dr. Ross, who was newly retired, but owed him a favor and was more than happy to help me. The first things I had to do was change my phone number and give up my apartment unless I was willing to pay for an empty home. Seeing as I had support to pay for my youngest son and college for 3 kids I gave up my apartment. The only people who had my new number were my kids, my Captain and Dr. Huang. Dr. Huang asked if I had a message for Olivia and I said no, I left her an envelope, he looked at me funny and I said, I gave her a Marine farewell, a button of my badge number and a Semper Fe, all I asked of him was to make sure she was okay while I was gone because I knew she would be hurt and angry. I also knew we were so close we were almost one person and I needed her to be okay. I said to him how do I tell the one woman I am in love with Good Bye. He said, 'You don't, you tell her you will see her later.' The first 6 weeks at the treatment center are a blur for me, I slept and cried for most of it – I know I had therapy sessions but don't really remember them, by the seventh week I got outside and started to work my way back to being human, as Dr. Ross explained to me early on, my life is like a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle that is in pieces and needs to be put together, she was going to help me do it one piece at a time. It took the whole year at the center for me to feel even 3/4 normal, I started working out with Dr. Ross who happens to be in better shape than I was. My relationship with my kids is now excellent, I no longer need meds, I got myself a nice 2 bedroom apartment in the city, I no longer go to the same places I went to before my breakdown. And 1PP called me and asked me to teach the new SVU recruits at the academy along with hand to hand combat skills, I also do officer recertification on Hand to Hand. I also help the Feds on local cases once in a while. I have only been doing this for 6 months. While in the treatment center IAB cleared me, and called it a good shoot, I applied for my full pension, which I now get. One question my students asked was, do I miss SVU and if I would ever go back to it? My answer, I miss my coworkers they are great people and I consider them my friends but I would never go back full time, if I did Dr. Ross would never be able to retire, I would wear out a few of her couches, but on the upside she would have another bestseller." The room laughed, "I do want to say to anyone who is suffering from PTSD don't suffer alone, talk to someone get help in the early stages don't wait til you get to where I was. I considered ending it and it would not have been hard to do with the state I was in, the only thing that stopped me from swallowing my gun is I am Catholic and suicide is against the faith and voids life insurance policies."

He looked at Dr. Ross and as she stood up, the audience gave him a standing ovation for at least 5 minutes, he smiled the lights came up and he looked around the room, that is when he saw her, her hair was longer and she looked thinner, even though she was crying he saw her smile at him the way she always did when she understood and was ok with a situation. Dr. Ross asked if there were any questions, there were a few and they answered them and then the room started to empty.

Dr. Ross said to Elliott,

"Just wait a minute, as you probably noticed there are a couple of people here who want to talk to you."

He nodded but could not keep his eyes off of Olivia, he was afraid if he did she would be gone.