A/N WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST WRITE? Seriously, I don't even . . .this is really stupid. But I must say, it was a blast to write, and it will hopefully entertain you. Just be prepared for utter retardedness. And if you have suggestions for what I could write next, please tell me! I'm running out of ideas!
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Chapter 3: Mary Sue Madness
I had been pacing around my room all morning, stopping only once in a while to glance at my computer screen in trepidation. What had I gotten myself into? This was such a stupid plan, and a dangerous one at that. Why had I even agreed to do this?
Well, maybe because nobody else this year had volunteered, making me feel just a tad obligated to lend a hand. This job had a very difficult time getting recruits, so signing up made me feel a bit like a hero of sorts. Too bad I was already beginning to regret this.
Here I was, preparing to go on a Mary Sue Mission, with a dart gun as my only protection.
Yeah, you heard me right. Mary Sue Mission. While it wasn't exactly its official name (it had none), it was the best one I could think of.
My mission? Simple, really. Go into the world of Pokémon Fanfiction, find as many Mary Sues as possible, and attempt to eradicate them. That was where my dart gun came in. I couldn't help but smile a little as I gazed at my weapon fondly. This thing had a lot of power, as you'll see in due time, my dear Reader.
Suddenly, my computer screen started to glow, and a big swirling vortex formed in it, inviting me to jump in. I gulped. While I had no problem going out in style, I was almost certain that Jumping into a Big and Scary but Kinda Pretty Vortex of Horribleness wasn't in the job description. Couldn't they, I dunno, make a door appear out of nowhere or something? Surely that would cut down on costs, at the very least. The Institution of Anti-Sues was a non-profit organization, after all.
Then, before I could take the leap (I was just about to, seriously!) a hand grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me in. As I was sucked through the portal-thingy, I wondered where the heck I was gonna land. Hopefully somewhere that wouldn't break my bones. They would have me land somewhere nice and soft, right?
Of course not! Guess where I landed! On a hard tile floor, that's where!
I got to my feet, groaning and rubbing my unfortunate back. I had been lying on the floor, if the fact that I got to my feet didn't make that fact stupidly obvious. I looked up and saw a group of maybe fifteen or so people staring at me expectantly. My guess was that they were part the institution. Oh, and did I mention that they were staring at me?
Perhaps they wanted me to say something. "Uh, hi?" How eloquent.
An old man made his way to the front of the crowd. "Hello, my friend!" he said in greeting. "My name is Professor Oak. I assume you've heard of me."
Duh. I didn't say that out loud, though. I would've put the word in quotation marks if I had. Because that's proper English. But I digress.
Oak gestured to the group of people behind him. "These people are part of the institution. They really aren't important as far as the plot goes, but the author didn't approve of the idea of you being alone in a room with an old man, for some reason."
Using my incredible gift of tact, I chose to ignore that last comment and cut to the chase. "So, I'm assuming I have some sort of specific assignment?"
"Ah, yes. Your notification letter mentioned that the general idea was to take out as many Mary Sues as possible. That plan, however, has changed." He looked at me solemnly. "While it would be very good indeed to dispatch of however many Sues you see on your way, I'm sending you on a special mission."
I could practically feel the tension in the air. This was going to be big, I could tell. How could I tell? Because Professor Oak used the words 'special' and 'mission' in the same sentence, of course.
Oak pulled out a notebook and scanned it for a second. "Yes, this would be it. We have a specific Sue that has been causing us quite a bit of trouble. Her name is, oh dear . . . Waylahskise Hydrogen Aphrodite Twilight Adela Natalya Isis Darkness Illuminata Oceana Talisman."
I cringed. "I think I'll just call her Mary Sue."
"Yes, as will I. Anyway, her characteristics are quite, well, Sue-ish. Her hair reaches to her ankles and is described as 'pitch black,' but it changes to 'icicle blue' when she uses her Aura powers. Her eyes are normally 'blood red,' but also change to blue when she uses said powers." Oak sighed and shook his head. "She is five-foot seven and weighs fifty pounds." (Is that even possible? I wondered.) "She is eighteen years old, has an extremely dark and tragic past that I won't bother to tell you about, is a kung fu master, and speaks twenty languages. The identities of her pokémon are unknown. I would expect at least one of them to be shiny."
Well, golly. "Uh, so, where am I supposed to find her?"
Oak scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I believe she's somewhere in Pewter City, which is where we are right now. We're in the Pewter City pokémon center at this moment, though I suppose you had already figured that out."
"Of course." (Lies.) "So, since I'm new here, what exactly will I be doing?"
"Find and shoot, my friend. Find and shoot."
Wow, I'm glad I asked. There was no way I could have figured that out on my own. And before you make any sort of snide remark about my intelligence, Reader, I'll have you know that I was being sarcastic.
Before I could ask any more questions, Professor Oak pushed me out the front doors without so much as a 'Good luck!'
"Good luck!"
Oh, there we go.
The streets were completely empty, that is to say, there weren't any people around. That's what that term means. Hopefully you already knew that.
Anyway, using by amazing gift of deduction, I deduced that the Mary Sue could be at the Pewter City gym. In other words, I decided that I might as well check the gym first. Yeah. Aren't I smart? Stop shaking your head at me, Reader. It isn't nice.
I had quite the uncanny sense of direction, so it took me only ten minutes to get to the gym. Okay, I lied. I actually had to use a map. And a GPS system. The ten minute thing was still true, though.
As soon as I walked into the gym, I was knocked off my feet by a massive burst of power coming from the other end of the building. What does a massive rush of power feel like when it hits someone, you may ask? Well, it feels a bit like a cross between getting hit by a medium-sized tsunami going approximately seventy-one miles per hour, and being pulled backwards by a chimpanzee that had somehow tied a rope around one of your vertebrae. And then there was the extra sensation of having three quarts of cold Tabasco sauce dumped on your head. That about explains it.
I lay there for a moment on the floor of the gym (for I had not smashed through a wall or window and landed outside), feeling like I had been hit by a tsunami, yanked by a chimpanzee with a rope, and drowned in Tabasco sauce at the same time. And then . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .Too many pauses, you think? Yeah, I think so, too. Blame Mary Sue for that. Mary Sues tend to annoy people with the overuse of pauses. As I was saying . . .
Mary Sue appeared! Well, it was more like I appeared, because she had already been there (there being the gym). But she came into my field of vision, and that counts. Yeah.
Since Professor Oak had already described her, I won't bother mentioning anything about her appearance. You probably remember what she looks like, and if you don't, it really doesn't matter anyway.
"Who darest entereth my lair of death?" the Mary Sue roared most melodiously. (That really seems like a contradiction.) "He who cometh without just cause shalt be drawn and quartered!" Her red eyes turned an unrealistic shade of blue at that moment, and a random rock blew up.
Hm. Maybe I ought to introduce myself? "My name is—"
"Shut the f*** up, heathen!" Quite the vocabulary, eh? Her parents would be so proud. "I knoweth whyeth thou hast cometh, and thy reason is f***ing stupid! I shalt not alloweth such such obscenities!"
If there was one thing I hated, it was poor language skills. "What the heck are you trying to say to me, lady? I'm terribly sorry, but I don't speak Stupid." And with that, I pulled out my gun and fired it at the Sue.
The dart hit her in the foot (I was aiming for her head). She shrieked in anger and yanked it out of her shoe as a ridiculously large volume of blood poured out on the floor. "What the f***! How dare you! You're, like, a f***ing retard!" Then she gasped in shock. "What, like, happened to my, uh . . ."
"Vocabulary?" I offered helpfully.
"Yeah!" Another nearby rock exploded.
"Well," I said, wasting time talking to her when I should have been fighting her, "the dart you were just hit with is filled with Mary Sue antivenin. Whenever you get hit with one of these, you lose a random Sue trait. In this particular case, it was your pathetic excuse for 'old-fashioned' speech. You can still cuss, though," I finished, feeling very smart and accomplished.
I should have remembered that she was still a Sue. I was suddenly hit with a great power that was vaguely reminiscent of tsunamis, chimpanzees, and Tabasco sauce. I was just getting up (for I had obviously fallen once again) when Mary Sue released a pokémon from a master ball.
I wasn't surprised at all when the pokémon proved to be a—
"Shiny Mew! I want you to like, kill this jerk!" Mary Sue was so angry by this time that she was floating roughly thirteen inches off the ground. Shiny Mew looked at her in confusion.
"Mew?"
"Of course I'm feeling okay! I just like, got hit by a dart, so I like, can't talk all cool anymore!"
Shiny Mew didn't seem to be buying it, and looked to me for confirmation. "Mew?"
"Uh, yeah, what she said. I was just trying to make her not a Mary Sue anymore."
Shiny Mew looked delighted. He(?) quickly flew over to me and snatched the gun from my hands. "Hey! What are you—"
He then shot Mary Sue in the face.
Mary Sue screamed in anger when the dart hit her, and then in horror when all her hair fell out. "NOOOOOO! MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTY!" She started to run around in circles for no apparent reason. "YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, LOSER!" she shouted, still running around.
Before she could smash me into oblivion with her Aura powers, Shiny Mew hit her again with a multitude of darts. She lost her Aura abilities within seconds, but not before she had managed to break all the windows in the gym, catch the walls on fire, smash me on the floor several times (giving me a concussion in the process), destroy all of the gym's electrical workings, and kill one hundred forty-four cockroaches.
I slowly got to my feet (because yes, I had indeed been sprawled on the floor as a result of Mary Sue's temper tantrum) and look up at the accursed creature (i.e. Mary Sue).
The darts had clearly taken their toll. Mary Sue's worst nightmare had come true. SHE DIDN'T LOOK PRETTY ANYMORE. Feel free to gasp, Reader.
"NOOOOOOOOO! What did you do to me? I'm so ugly now!"
"Not really. You just look rather below average. And hey, at least your hair grew back! It's dirty blond now. And your eyes are now brown, just so you know. And you're about half a foot shorter." I tilted my head thoughtfully. "And you've probably gained a hundred pounds or so."
That was the last straw for Waylahskise Hydrogen Aphrodite Twilight Adela Natalya Isis Darkness Illuminata Oceana Talisman. She screamed in rage, then disappeared in a puff of purplish-gray smoke.
I sat down on the floor (due to the lack of nearby chairs) and heaved a sigh of exhaustion. Being beaten up by a rogue Sue was not exactly a relaxing pastime. Understatement, you say? I quite agree. That was the whole idea.
Shiny Mew flew around in happiness, finally free from the plague that was Mary Sue. He flew out the window, still holding my dart gun. I didn't complain. I supposed he needed it more than I did, anyway.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Brock appeared. And when I say 'out of nowhere,' I don't mean it literally. He had to have come from somewhere.
"Hi there!" he said cheerily. "Thanks for taking out that Sue. I've been hiding in my closet for hours!" He smiled, and his eyes probably sparkled. Probably.
My jaw dropped. "Wait a minute, you've been in the gym the whole time? Why didn't you help me? You're the gym leader!"
He shrugged. "The same reason nobody else helped you. Mary Sues are immune to any and all canon characters."
"Oh."
Brock smiled and helped me to my feet, for I was still sitting. Otherwise, there would be no need, seeing I would have been standing, and therefore, already 'to my feet.' But maybe you realized that.
Suddenly, the front doors open automatically (them being automatic doors), and Professor Oak, along with a dozen other members of the Institution, came in. "Congratulations, my friend. You have defeated the Sue!"
"Well, technically, Shiny Mew did. After I told him what the gun did, anyway."
Oak sighed and shook his head. "What is it with Mary Sues and legendary pokémon? Not that it matters now. The threat is gone, and the citizens of Pewter City are safe again. Thank you for the help, my friend. It's much appreciated." He smiled and shook my hand.
"It was no trouble." (Actually, it was.) "So, I guess I'll be heading home now."
"Ah, yes, you shall. I'll take you back to the center straight away and reopen the portal for you." Oak paused for a moment. "You know, I never did catch your name. Well, I suppose you can't tell me your real name, but what is your alias?"
Oh, poor me. I had been nameless this entire time. "I go by Geekachu. Or sometimes Geek. Either way's cool."
"All right then Geekachu, I'll show you the way ho—wait a minute."
I stared at him in confusion. Oak was standing very still, looking at me in shock.
"Your alias is Geekachu?"
"Yeah. . . ." What was wrong with that? I was starting to feel a little nervous.
"The author of this story also goes by the name Geekachu. So that must mean . . ."
Everyone was staring at my now, some in shock, others in anger.
". . .you're a self-insert."
I suddenly found myself surrounded by a group of very angry people who all, for one reason or another, apparently liked to carry around large butcher knives. They were slowly creeping closer and closer to me, ready for the kill.
"We don't tolerate self-inserts here."
Meep.
