Until It's Gone
by Tina

- - -

As it was expected, Ross was the first one to arrive. At 7:45pm - fifteen minutes before the scheduled time - he took one of the two seats of the small and cozy table he had reserved, in a quiet corner. Probably didn't have the best view in the restaurant, but would give them the privacy they needed for the conversation it was expected to rise.

He waited patiently, all the things he wanted to say to her running wild in his head, as he already expected her to be at least fifteen minutes late herself.

At 8:10pm, she trailed behind the hostess up to their table. He rose to his feet, suddenly nervous.

"Here's your table, Miss. Your waiter will be right with you. Have a good evening, you two, bon apetit!"

The hostess left them alone. They stood face to face to each other, for a moment not knowing what to do. A hug? A hand shake?

"Hey, Rach. Thanks for coming, really."

Rachel half smiled, but Ross knew her well enough to know she had to force it. He deserved that.

"Yeah, sure, Ross. It's been a year..."

"Yeah, it has..."

Rachel looked down and took her seat. Ross did the same and finally realized that, sitting before her, he actually did have the best view in the whole restaurant.

"So, how have you been?" He asked.

She looked up at him and took some time before answering it.

"Good. I don't know if Monica told you, but I got a new job, at Ralph Lauren."

"Really? Whoa, no, she didn't. That's really great for you."

She nodded.

"Thanks. Yeah, it's been good. Unlike at Bloomingdale's I really see a future for myself there, so..."

He watched her for some time.

"I'm happy for you, Rachel. You really deserve that, I know how hard you worked for it."

Their eyes spoke that moment. Undoubtfully both thought about the last few months of their relationship and all the pain they went through at the time. It was all in the past, as everything else they had.

"Thank you."

A long and very palpable silence fell upon them. At that moment, their waiter arrived.

"Goodnight, welcome to Nadine's." He handed them their menus and read the specials, while pouring fresh water into their glasses. "Would you like to take your orders now?"

They quickly ordered and the waiter left.

"Hm, look, Rach..." Ross began and she looked at him. He looked down briefly and shook his head, looking back at her after that. "I'm sorry. I wanna start by saying I am so, so sorry about what I did."

Rachel exhaled loudly and looked down aswell.

"I was so desperate to save my marriage, to avoid getting a second divorce that I just... I didn't think about what I would be giving up. You're my friend, or, well, hm, you were and-"

"Ross..." She cut him. "Stop." He kept looking at her. "It's OK. I mean... Yeah, I was hurt and yeah, it was a tough year for me with this whole thing and all, but... Don't beat yourself up, OK?"

"How can I, knowing I hurt you like that?"

She briefly looked away again.

"It's not your fault though."

"Huh?"

She looked at him for some time.

"She's your wife, Ross, you did what you had to do. I couldn't hate you for that. What hurt the most didn't come from you, it came from me."

"What do you mean?"

"It... It just hurt me because..." She trailed off. "Because it was hard for me to face the fact that within a few weeks you already loved her more than you ever loved me."

"What?"

Rachel made a face and ran a hand through her hair, visibly uncomfortable.

"You know I had never loved anyone before you. And I know you used to think of me since you were fifteen. You thought about us for years, I'm sure you must have pictured our relationship in many different ways. And I know I didn't live up to those expectations. I just... I thought I had. I thought what we had was amazing. It was everything to me, even though you didn't trust it at the time. But when you agreed to give me up for another woman, then, well... I had to face the fact that maybe it was just me."

"Is that what you think that happened?"

"I don't blame you, Ross. That's OK... I've had my time to deal with it, I'm fine."

"Rachel, that's crazy and I'm really sorry you feel that way. First of all, in all those years of fantasy I didn't image us being half as amazing as we were. I know, God, I know we had our problems, but... It was you and me, Rachel. It was you." He looked down briefly. "I'm very sorry, you have no idea how much, so very sorry about the way I started acting towards the end of it. About how I made it the end. How I started acting all jealous and how I couldn't have faith in our relationship."

"Why, Ross? Why couldn't you? Why didn't you ever believe me?"

He looked at her, knowing this had been eating her inside for some time now. Her eyes told him.

"Because I was so damn scared, Rachel." He avoided her eyes. "And I admit that part of me never really believed you loved me, that you could really ever bring yourself to really love Monica's geeky older brother. And someday, and it was only a matter of time, someone greater would come along. Someone more sophisticated, a handsome guy who would be everything you deserved. Someone like Mark. And then he came and I- I just lost it..."

Rachel shook her head.

"That's just silly, Ross." He shot her a look, silently telling her that it wasn't. It was his feelings, his boyish insecurity that followed him around since high school. She kept looking at him for a long time. "I'm sorry I didn't know how to show you that you were wrong. It's a shame you couldn't feel as loved as I did."

Ross kept looking at her. He silently relived some memories in his head, this time believing in all the love she felt for him.

"That's the thing. I don't think there was anything you could have done to show me that, at the time. I'm the one who should be sorry here... And I am. I am so very sorry, Rach."

She kept looking at him and then looked down. The waiter approached with the bottle of wine they had ordered. He poured it into their glasses and left. Rachel sipped her glass quickly, not bothering to come up with something for them to drink to.

"I never loved Emily the way I loved you. Or as much."

She looked at him and didn't say a word. Yet, the look in her eyes urged him to go on.

"Truth is, I was so terrified after our break up. I was so broken and I so desperately needed something to grab. I couldn't grab you, I had spent an entire year trying but I couldn't bring myself to even attempt do it. I was so terrified you'd say no to me. You know how I never even had the guts to declare my feelings for you in the first place. So then Emily came and, I knew it wouldn't hurt as much if she said no to me. Not nearly as much. So I grabbed her, I needed something, anything... And I didn't think. I don't want you to think our relationship didn't mean the world to me, because it did. You were more than I ever expected." He paused. "I just..." He trailed off.

Rachel bit her lower lip, teary eyed.

"Thanks for telling me that, Ross." She said with a very soft voice and smiled weakly. "You should probably watch your mouth though, you're a married man now, you shouldn't be saying things like that about your wife..."

Ross' half smile that had appeared right after hers faded.

"Hm, actually... Emily and I are getting divorced."

Her smile faded aswell.

"What?"

"We've filed for it and she went back to England a few weeks ago."

Rachel remained silent.

"So is this what this is all about?" She asked, a generous amount of hostility in her voice. "You're just telling me all of this because now you're allowed to?"

"No, Rach, I-"

"I can't believe you!"

"Rachel, that's not it." He said with a firm voice.

She looked at him with a hint of disgust in her eyes.

"Then what is it?"

He looked deep into her eyes.

"I was ashamed of myself."

She broke their look.

"You have no idea what a nightmare this past year has been." He continued. "Finally waking up and realizing just how much I had fucked up with my life. It was like I could finally see all the shit I had done at once. The rushed marriage, all the things I had to give up in the name of it. When Monica told me how you were feeling, I just..." He shut his eyes and opened them again, slowly. "I finally started believing you cared. And seeing that if you really did love me, it must've been hurting you like hell. I imagined how I would be feeling if things were the other way around... It would devastate me if you agreed never to see me again because of some guy you barely knew. Or even if you simply agreed to marry him after a few lousy weeks. It would kill me, it really would."

She looked down.

"I've thought about you this whole time, Rachel. There wasn't a single day that passed by that I didn't want to talk to you, to tell you something. And it wasn't Emily that stopped me. Our marriage never really worked, but I decided to stick to it because it was all I had. And it was a very poor trade... But the reason why I didn't reach out to you before was that..." He looked down. "...I hated myself for what I did. I was scared of seeing you, I didn't wanna see the possible pain in your eyes or hear the things you'd so fairly had to say to me. The fact you're only being kind about this is somehow... I don't know... I deserve the hard words."

She shook her head.

"It's all in the past now, Ross, let it go."

Ross kept looking at her.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"No."

He smiled very weakly.

"Thank you."

"I don't wanna fight, anymore, Ross. The reason I agreed to come to dinner tonight was... I only had so much I could work by myself. I needed to get some answers from you and move on... from this awful feeling, I mean. Thank you for your words..." Her looked changed to a tender one. "But, most of all, I've missed you. I've missed my good friend Ross." He reached across the table and held her hand. They smiled weakly at each other. "I hope we can try and be friends again, now."

"Definitely."

She nodded.

"That's good..." She said in a soft voice.

He smiled wider.

Their meals eventually arrived and they continued chatting, this time more airily. She told him all about Phoebe and Joey's past year, about how beautifully Chandler and Monica's relationship had developed and how they were expecting a proposal some time soon. Ross listened carefully, eager to be a part of that group again, dreaming of countless cups of coffee at Central Perk over casual conversations.

Over desert, which Rachel refused at first, but then had her mind changed as Ross convinced her she had no reason to be dieting, he told her about his brief marriage.

"You guys never thought about counseling?"

Ross shook his head.

"For what? To learn how to live we it? We could, without having to waste so much money in it... Sticking to it wasn't the big problem, I guess. I just... I realized I didn't love her. I couldn't force myself too, she deserved better."

Rachel nodded.

"Right."

"You know I'm a helpless romantic." Rachel smiled at that. "Next time I get married, it will be purely out of love."

"OK, I'll drink my last sip of wine to that."

He smiled and watched her empty her final glass. Filled with satisfaction as to how the evening had turned out, Ross motioned for the waiter to bring their bill.

"This went well." He said.

She smiled at him.

"Yeah, this was nice."

She grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

"I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back."

"Me too."

He kissed her hand that was in his.

"I just hope you've realized how much you mean to me." He told her.

She nodded.

"Right back at ya."

He chuckled at the cute look she was giving him.

"I guess I do, yes."

She moved closer and hugged him very tight, taking him by surprise.

"You're not just Monica's geeky older brother, Ross." Her hot breath on his neck gave him chills. "You've been more to me than you'll probably ever know and you should know it... I need you to believe in my feelings, you're so important to me. You need to give yourself more credit. And it's me, honey, it's me... I'm only human too and I have my flaws, you of all people should know that... I don't want you to feel like there's a barrier between us or that we're in different levels in any way. I'm right here, OK?"

He smiled and hugged her back.

"Thank you, Rachel."

Their moment was broken by the waiter, who arrived with their bill. Ross wrote a check for it and they left.

-

The restaurant was near Rachel's apartment, so Ross walked her home. On the way there, he talked about the letters he had written to her, how he was so desperately in need to get everything out and how he had written about six letters until he finally wrote one that was good enough to send. And he decided to take his chances...

As they reached the building, they turned to each other.

"Well, this is me." She said in a playful way.

He smiled.

"Yeah."

"You wanna come up to talk to everybody?"

He looked up and sighed.

"I think today has been overwhelming enough as it is."

She smiled back.

"Right."

"I'll call Monica tomorrow though, try and set something up... I should probably also start apartment hunting somewhere near... It's gonna be a long way home."

She smiled weakly.

"It's good to have you back, Ross."

"It's good to be back."

They smiled at each other and hugged.

"OK, I'll see you some other time, then." She said, still in his arms.

Ross closed his eyes and kept his embrace strong. He moved his face and rested it against hers. Slowly, he rubbed his nose against her ear, softly across her cheek until it met her nose. When he was about to lean closer and kiss her, she pulled away. They looked at each other. Rachel was still surprised, he was embarrassed.

"I'm sorry." He said quickly. "God, sorry, I shouldn't have done that."

"No, Ross, it's OK, I- I'm sorry. I- I probably should've told you sooner, but..." She paused. "I'm seeing someone."

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Dun-dun-dun! I have mixed feelings about this chapter... What about you? Tell me in a review, woot! Now... There is only one thing I have to say. Chapter one? Not my opinion, but Ross'. Second chapter? Again, not my opinion, but Rachel's. This chapter? Not really an opinion, but it's mostly focused on Ross. Next will be focused on Rachel and so on! It is not my opinion!! It's simply what I believe that could go through their heads during this moment. The end :P Anyway... reviews are love :D