Authors Note:

Hey, I just wanted to let everyone know that I know I'm posting a little quickly, but I this is my first fanfic—so please be gentle—and I don't know how often everyone would like me to post. Can someone let me know? And, if anyone would like to contact me about becoming my beta, I would be ecstatic. Please review, I would like to know how I'm doing and what I could do to make it better!

Chapter Two: Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

I was lying in bed when the thought came to me. I was floating the dagger, newly polished, above my head when I accidently nicked myself. The blood was hypnotizing … and distracting. It sickened me to even have the thought and I quickly pushed it away.

However, as I walked from Arthur's chambers nearly in tears because of the newly bread idiot insults, the idea came back … and this time it wouldn't go away.

"Merlin," Arthur called, trying to catch up as I escaped down the hall.

"Yes, you're Majesty," I asked trying to banish the tears.

"Will you quit calling me that?"

"I thought you wanted servants to treat you with respect, Sire."

"Better. Now, I wanted to ask you if you'll bring me supper earlier tonight."

"As you wish, Sire."

"Are you okay, Merlin?"

I looked him right in the eyes and said, "Never better, Sire."

"You know you can talk to me right?"

Yeah right, I thought. 'Oh, Sire, by the way, you know how you said I could talk to you? Well, I'm the most powerful warlock—yes I have magic—in the entire world, that is and will ever be, and have this great destiny to protect your prattish behind. Not only that, but I'm having a hard time dealing with the pain, lies, loss, and adjusting to having knights, and a King, as friends. Will you please not excuse me?' That would go real well.

"Oh course, Sire," I said.

Another lie. I can't talk to anyone. Who would understand?

"Alright then. On your way."

I bowed and hurried off.

I knew he was lying. The thing that got me was why. Why would he lie to me? What could be so bad that he couldn't confide in me? Merlin, can't you trust me?

I sighed and walked off, of course, running straight into Gwaine.

"Oi, Princess," he yelled.

"Yes, Gwaine," I sighed; I knew this was coming.

"I thought you said you'd talk to Merlin?"

"I tried. He won't talk to me."

"Really? You too," Elyan said walking up.

"You tried to talk to him," I asked.

"All of us have, Princess."

"Might I be of some service," Gaius asked walking up.

"Please, enlighten us," I asked him. "What's wrong with Merlin? Is he okay?"

"He's grieving, Sire."

"Grieving," Leon asked coming up with Percival.

"Yes. Over Lancelot … and Gwen. He misses them, Sire."

"We all do," Gwaine said. "Even if Princess here doesn't admit it."

Gaius nodded, but said, "Yes, but him the most."

"Why is that, Gaius," I asked.

"He was the closest to them, so he will grieve them most. It was hard to lose them both in such a short space of time."

"I'm sorry for that."

"You did not take Lancelot away, and you did what you felt right with Guinevere, he does not blame you. It will just burn for a while, Sire."

I nodded.

"We'll just have to make the pain lessen," I stated and everyone nodded in confirmation.

The next few days were painful. Everyone was being so nice to me. Even Arthur was easing my chores. I just repaid them with lies. That week I distanced myself even more. I rarely saw Arthur nowadays. I made myself the perfect servant. I saw the knights even less—ducking in corridors and behind pillars whenever I saw or heard them.

Gaius even started to worry more when he noticed how thin I was getting. I couldn't eat much for the fear that I would just throw it back up. I slept less than I should—usually only getting a couple of hours a night.

I sighed as I flipped the dagger in my hands. Maybe I should do it. I shook my head. No. I won't go down that path.

"Merlin," Arthur yelled. "Where is my useless servant?"

"He's in his room, Sire," Gaius said and I heard feet walk toward me. I quickly hid the dagger and Arthur barged in.

"There you are," he yelled.

"Here I am."

"I need you at once."

I nodded and followed him out of the chambers.

"Where have you been?"

"In my room, Sire," I said confused.

"I meant this week."

"Oh, I was doing my chores."

"And why haven't I seen you."

"I thought you wanted a servant that did a good job."

"Yes, but even you should know that I need to know where my own servant is when I need you."

I nodded.

"What did you need of me, Sire?"

"I want you to attend me during training, Merlin. Even a half-competent servant could have guessed that."

I tried to swallow back the hurt.

"I guess so," I said, trying my best to fake a laugh.

Arthur smiled, so I guessed I succeeded.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Merlin," Arthur yelled. "Are you not even trying? Dodge, idiot!"

"I am trying, Sire," I yelled, and then something happened that I would never forget.

Arthur swung as I stopped and the blade sliced open my arm. But, what disgusted me most was that it felt good.

"Merlin," Arthur screamed. "Are you okay?"

"Oh," I said still dazed. "I'm fine."

"You are not 'fine.' Your arm's sliced open. Come on, idiot, we better get you to Gaius."

I just nodded and let Arthur drag me along. As we walked I was memorized by the numb feeling this cut gave me. I don't understand how a simple cut could just dull my emotional pain. It's like one of Gaius' concoctions … just in the form of a wound. I shook my head. I shouldn't be thinking like this. It's wrong….. But, why did it feel so right?

"…..It should be okay now, Sire," I heard Gaius say.

"Huh," I asked.

"So you're finally back to reality, Merlin," Arthur said harshly. "I was wondering when you'd get out of your shocked state."

"Shock?"

"That's what I concluded," Gaius said as he started to make a tonic. "We couldn't rouse you no matter what was said or done."

"Oh?"

By this time I was staring at the blood pooling in the bandage. I wish I could tear it off and watch it bubble out. I wish I could go back to that dreamlike state where nothing mattered.

"Merlin?"

"Humm," I asked.

"Are you okay, my boy," Gaius asked.

"I'm fine," I said automatically looking around once more. "Where's Arthur?"

"He left thirty minutes ago," Gaius said as concern leaked onto his face. "Did you not notice?"

I shook my head, a smile threatening to sprout. I think I found a solution to my problems.

"Well he wanted you to bring him his dinner in a couple hours."

"Okay," I said as I got up and strolled into my room—a kitchen knife smuggled into my hands.

What no one knew didn't hurt them….

Reviews:

Peabodythecat: Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. I try to make my works unique, so I appreciate you informing me that you like my style … I was worried that no one would like it. : )