DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of the Star Wars Universe, concept, or characters, and pay homage to the Great Flanneled one for his vast creative powers. I own the characters I have created, as far as they do not infringe upon his rights, or the rights of other writers of material in the Star Wars Universe. No copyright infringement is intended and I do not profit from this work. I'll put them back when I'm done, George, honest.
Dinner was fun. I met Junie and Maru, and we brought dinner from the main Commissary back to my apartment and hung out for a bit. I played some guitar and sang, and Junie sang, too, a lovely song from her homeworld that sounded like an Irish ballad. The similarity remained when she translated the song into Basic. It was the story of star-crossed lovers, ending with the tragic death of the man and the fading away of the woman, dying from love. Even in a foreign language it was beautiful and poetic, and I found I had tears. It took a hard swallow and a beat for me to collect myself. Suddenly I missed my harp quite a lot.
"Mating is so complicated for you folks," Maru observed. "It's the whole reason you have a civilization, as far as I can figure it out."
"That would make a great dissertation topic," I said. She'd been casting around for one for the past month.
"True," she replied. "But I'm sure someone has done it."
"We'll have to look it up. And if we can't find it, I'd love to read yours, Maru. If you're not pulling my leg, that is."
"I don't know yet, I'd have to think about it, but wouldn't it be interesting to do a comparative work? Like, comparing different human cultures…"
"That would be wonderful. It's a fascinating subject to we humans, of course, but an objective eye would be much more interesting and fair," I said, "even if it might bring down some of our more cherished preconceptions. That might not be a bad thing. And you're very empathic, so at least we might get a bit of kindness for our goofy selves."
"I don't know; you're like a brick wall to me sometimes."
"Only when I get it right. I'm not the usual animal, Maru – I've had to work long and hard on my shields because I didn't start out with any. It almost killed me when I came here. So yes, I work at it, every day. I'm used to having my head to myself. If it's difficult sometimes, I'm sorry."
"It's a big adjustment, coming here."
"To say the least. But it's where I'm supposed to be. Most of the time, I'm sure of that. It doesn't seem like work, to do what I'm doing. It's more like – joy, so that's wonderful. I can't complain about being where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do – not very much, anyway. Most folks don't get that chance in a whole lifetime. I'm blessed."
They both nodded. "I feel the same way," Junie said. "Even if I don't do as well as I'd like."
"Junie, that's just time and practice," Maru replied. "And you don't have much of either yet. You'll be fine, really. And you're great with the older folks."
"That's because they think I'm cute, a little kid."
"Well, take what you can get, darlin'," I said. "You're a great listener, Junie; you've sat through amazing amounts of my wailing and griping. And anyone with eyes knows that you aren't a child anymore. You've grown into a lovely young woman over the past year, and anyone who doesn't know it already will see it at the Fete," I said, grinning and patting her cheek. "You're going to be a complete knockout."
"I'd hate for people to think I was vain," she said. "But I'm glad. It's about time. I'm looking forward to it, really. I love to dance."
"So do I," Maru said. "How about you, Lyn?"
"Uh – well – I don't know many of the dances here," I said. Like, maybe, none…
"You can learn," Junie said. "The Fete is really for teaching us how to behave in formal situations. They teach a lot of dances, too."
"Oh, well, then. I'll give it a try, but woe be to the poor fellow's feet."
"There is no try, Young Padawan," Maru said, doing a pretty creditable Yoda. We laughed. "It would be a shame to have such a pretty dress and not even dance. I fancy Master Jinn will like it," Maru said, smiling.
I colored a bit – damn this pale skin anyway. Busted again, Kyle. Like you could hope to hide it.
"If he's there at all," I replied. "So, are my feelings for Master Jinn like the bantha in the parlour that no one can talk about?"
"Oh, no," Maru said. "It's just – well, we're your friends. We could feel how upset you were when he was so badly hurt. It's not much of a challenge to figure it out after that."
I sighed. "I'd think not, you're way too smart to miss it. Oh, well. Here I thought I was being slick, and I've got a tattoo on my forehead for all to see. I guess I'll just have to get over myself."
They both giggled. "Like none of us have crushes?" Junie asked.
"Well, they expect it with you," I said. "I'm a little old for this kind of thing."
"Never. Stop looking and they bury you," Junie said. "And Master Jinn is certainly fine enough for anyone to look at."
I snorted. "That's true enough," I replied. "Now, ladies, I hate to break up the party, but I still owe my Master at least an hour of meditation on my place as a Padawan, and it's been a very long day. Thank you for coming and eating dinner with me."
"Another hour of meditation, huh? And you think he'll remember?"
"Oh, come on, I know he'll remember, I just got a reprieve because of what happened last night and today. He'll want to talk about it in the morning."
"Good thinking, then," Junie replied. She gave me a hug. "Thanks for coming with us to shop today."
"It was fun, Junie," I said.
"I didn't know you could make your own clothes. Maybe that's why you came with us."
"Could be, I can never tell when I'm being tested. I don't think that droid liked me at all. I was just cranky and tired, and I didn't want to look like I'd been shrink-wrapped for a meat display. I'm sure you'll look gorgeous at the Fete."
She dimpled. "Really?"
"Really, like an Elven princess. I'm looking forward to seeing both of you."
Maru took my hand and placed it on her forehead, a gesture of affection of her people. I felt flattered.
"May the Force be with you," she said.
"And you two as well." I gathered Maru into a hug, and she squeezed me back. "You two have saved my sanity more often than you know. I appreciate you a lot, and I hardly ever tell you."
"We have to hold each other up some kind of way," Junie said. "Who else, after all?"
"So true," I replied. "Good evening, ladies."
I called and checked on Slan, but according to the Padawan on duty in the Infirmary he was perfectly content with Qui-Gon, and they were both sleeping. I guessed Qui-Gon needed him more than I did, at that. Qui-Gon seemed to be sleeping normally when I reached out to him, and I just sent him love. That couldn't hurt, could it?
I settled into meditation in my little alcove after tidying up a bit, and dutifully cleared my mind to see what came about my place as a Padawan. For a while I just drifted, silently doing my best to listen to what the message was. I accepted the fact that I owed my Master obedience and respect – that, after all, was the contract, and a given; he'd certainly earned all respect I could give him. I had also come to love and trust him over the time we'd been together, and I was seldom in any position to disagree with him. But when I was, I needed to be able to speak freely. Would he allow that? Would he understand that I had my path to walk in this crazy shifting maze, and it was a perilous one at best? Was it time to tell him the story, too?
No, not yet, but perhaps soon it would be.
Well. That was something.
I knew that it was important that I become a Healer, and accepted by the Jedi as such. It was a great joy to me to be there. Hell, it was incredible to be anywhere at all; by all rights I should be dead, twice, three times, or more. I owed my life to these kind people, and the thought of the Order being utterly destroyed tore my heart. Though they were perhaps misguided in the larger sense, they were the finest the Republic had to offer; wise, kind, good people overall. It was essential that I learn what they had to teach me, and to do so I had to accept their rules and standards. However, I couldn't just change who I was to do it, and I didn't think that Master Bodreau thought so either.
So. I needed to behave myself a bit better than I had over the past few days. Even I could see that I'd been childish, and I felt pretty stupid about it. No more tantrums about things like future Sith apprentices and such, no more mysterious secrets and being special. Remember you're one of the troops and absorb what's needed, culture and knowledge, starting from zero – in fact, starting from a healthy trot back from zero. I didn't even have the local collective unconscious to guide me.
You're less than a child. You know next to nothing now.
Ouch! Gods, that smarted. Was that the problem? Suck it up and deal, Kyle. That one sounded like my father the jarhead. US Marine philosophy in a nutshell. Well, sometimes the old man was right.
Though I thought of myself as an adult, here I was still like a tiny child, with incredible amounts of general stuff to learn. It was damn discouraging to have to start from scratch yet again as I'd had to in every new place we'd lived over the years, but there was no leeway here, no room for my ego to screw me up. I couldn't go hide in the servicemen's accommodations and refuse to adjust, like my brother. I never had before. Here I had a difficult road to walk, staying myself and learning what I needed, but that was the only way I could do what I needed to do. I was disheartened when it came to the final unanswerable question – could I do it? Could I really hold back the sickening wave of tragedy that threatened all these good people? What the hell was I thinking? I recall reading somewhere that half of life was showing up, but that didn't apply here; I couldn't slack off or cruise, as I had done all too often in my life before. I had to be here, learn to live in this different world and just do what I could.
Could it ever be enough? Was I playing into the enemy's hands by even thinking I could make a difference?
That one took me back several paces.
Was I helping at all? How could I help? I was jarred out of contemplation into cold panic by the thought that I might be harming the very people I'd come to love, just by being there. Before I knew what was happening, I had burst into tears, curled in a ball on the floor, clutching my knees. Was it all just a random cosmic joke?
That will be quite enough, thank you.
I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and sat up again. I was not giving up, not now. If only for my own sanity, I had to believe that I could do some good, that I could change the future enough by my presence and actions to at least slightly ameliorate the death and destruction the Emperor would bring to the galaxy. If not, then there was no reason for me to be here, and I couldn't accept that. I was incapable of believing that my arrival there and then was a merely a random occurrence.
But am I just fooling myself?
I had to go through the routines of centering, calming, and reaching out three times before I stopped shaking. But once I did, and I reached out to feel it, the Force was there. There was comfort in it, and I just took it as I found it. I didn't have to know what would happen. I just needed to know it could work out, that there was a chance.
I was exhausted. I went to bed.
I woke much more easily than I had two mornings before, even if I didn't have the four-legged alarm to help me get up and at 'em. After a kata or two I sat for my normal morning meditation, and seemed a little clearer for the night's sleep and the extra time. I was able to frame what I wanted to say and how I needed to say it, and that was helpful. I went to the Commissary and obtained breakfast, complete with some very nice pastries that were still warm from the oven. No harm in sucking up if I was going to get reamed.
"Come in, Padawan," Master Bodreau said. "I take it you have completed the meditation I have requested of you?"
"Yes, Master, though it was in two pieces. I was meditating when Master Jinn woke up the first time. I didn't get to finish up until last night."
"Ah. That is most satisfactory, Belinda. What have you discovered?"
"Well, I guess I should just get over myself, at least about things I know that might not be apparent, or even correct. For the larger picture – I'm sorry, Master. I do my best not to offend, but time and again I do, not even realizing that I'm abrasive to others. I'm young, but not a child – I've been different things in my life. I've been a student, a musician, a caregiver, even a lover, and other things as well. Not many come to the Temple as late as I have, and it's difficult to make the transition from being an adult to knowing less than the tiniest child about many things." I took a deep breath, trying to say what I needed to say without giving even more offense, though I'd never seemed to offend Master Bodreau so badly as I offended others – most notably Silloq. I wondered what the bug up his arse actually was, often. I couldn't seem to do anything right to his mind. Of course, my discovery of the night before might have a role in that – if he knew Qui-Gon well at all, he would know that Qui-Gon just wasn't wired to love men in that manner.
"I am not trained and disciplined the way a Jedi is, I was not raised in isolation here in the Temple. I come with my own personality, my own sense of honour, quirks and neuroses. That probably makes me a pretty difficult case overall, at least where training is concerned. However, I deeply believe in what the Order stands for, I believe in the mission of the Jedi. I find that it's my heart's desire to be a Healer, that what I do here is not work to me but a great joy, to help make whole the sick and injured. It is joy, too, to be around such wise people, and to learn from them. I don't wish to offend, but I can only be myself. If that is not acceptable, then what shall I do? Is this a bad idea after all? Am I dangerous to those around me, angering them by my very presence? Am I doing something wrong that I don't even understand?"
I sighed, lowered my eyes and waited. I sensed that he was also distressed through our bond, and it took all my willpower to leave him to his own thoughts. Then, I felt the Force swirl around us, as he evaluated my words and the very honest sentiments behind them, and truly tried to see what was best.
I had always thought of foresight as a sore burden – the few times it had visited me it had been a leaden weight upon my heart, demanding tasks I didn't know if I had a chance to complete. To seek it out – he must have been as confused as I was. To help him, I pulled myself to center, and maintained as much stillness as I could. It took a little while for him to come back.
"Belinda," he said finally, "you have asked an important question, especially considering your background. You have said you are happy here in your work, and it distresses you to offend. It is understandable. Padawan, it is inevitable that you won't get along with everyone, even here in the Temple. Jedi Code or not, we will not all be able to live together in perfect amity. However, civility is required. Frankly, I have expected better of you than your behavior toward Silloq, but with information that has come to me from others, I must consider that he has provoked your ire, while the rest of the Healers and Masters are not looking. Has he done so? What irritates you so about him?"
"Master?" I asked, looking up, startled. "How – " I sighed. "Here I think I'm taking care of things myself. Yes, he has. He's manipulative, insulting, crass, rude, and cutting. He seems to regard me as a servant or an errand girl. What have I done to deserve this treatment? He is of a royal house, but he doesn't treat others this way. Who the blazes died and left him in charge?"
"You must trust me, Belinda, or I cannot help you. There's no need for you to fight this battle at all, much less alone," he replied. "His behavior is simply unacceptable, and would not be were he the King of Botha himself – and the King of Botha is not so arrogant. As you encounter noble families, you will find that the most unpleasant and overbearing of them are actually the ones with little standing, strangely enough."
I nodded. "That makes sense, in a weird sort of way, I suppose… He is a clever little ba – um, creep."
"Envy is a powerful weapon of the Dark Side," he said. "I fear that he may fall if he is not confronted quickly."
I was astounded. I'd only thought of Silloq as a conceited little jerk, not as a potential foe of the Order and of the Light itself. Remember, now you're playing with all the marbles. This isn't just high school clique warfare, girl, it's for real, and you may have allowed this young man to ruin his life by trying to act like it was a little tiff…
"Envy? Master – this is what I meant. I had no idea until lately that there was any issue but a personality problem that was trivial..."
"Belinda, we all must confront the Dark Side, in any shadows we have within us. You remember that moment well, I am sure. Silloq must struggle with it every day, as you do with your temper. It seems to me that his struggle may not be as successful. Do not fear, these are his choices, not yours."
"I know, Master, but I never said I was easy. I do my best to work well with others, but he seems to go out of his way to make cooperation impossible." I sighed. "I don't want him to fail. I just want him to succeed – far away from me."
He chuckled. "Indeed," he said. "I am pleased to see that you truly do not wish him ill. That is most patient of you, considering. As hard as it is to deal with him, you have managed to hold your temper."
I sighed. "Not by much, Master. One of these days I'm going to slug him, so help me, especially if he lays his hands on me."
"You must defend yourself under those circumstances, of course. And make him remember it."
"He would, but I'd be more likely to holler and run away."
"And what good would that do either of you? I know you are reluctant to strike, but you must trust yourself. Master Jinn trusted you even when he trained you on the island, to do the right thing. You are capable of doing it now."
"I seldom think that whacking someone upside the head or worse is the right thing," I replied. "But I will do my best to be guided by my training, Master."
"Belinda, as you very correctly concluded, your ways are often different from ours. My error – and it is a very profound one – has been to assume that our way is the only way. That is wrong, and such arrogance can but lead to sorrow and tragedy."
"But your way has worked for a long time, Master. And I hardly find any shame or even any problem with honest differences if we discuss them constructively. If I am wrong, I can accept that. But with no discussion, I can't see what my error might be, or if it is an error at all."
"And I have not allowed discussion, treating you as a child, which you are not. You are willing to learn in any way you can, but I have not taught you what you have needed. You have your own place and a path which only you can travel, and I have not been willing to see or take that into account. For that failure, I am sincerely sorry. I fear I have become complacent in my age. I thank you for the opportunity to learn, my Padawan."
I took his hands and smiled. "I thank you for – everything, my Master."
He smiled, too, and we ate breakfast quietly. It had to be enough, I supposed. The fact that he acknowledged that I was different and that it was often okay was encouraging. I'd just have to do my best.
Events conspired to keep me more than busy in the time between Qui-Gon's release and the day of the dance, and I didn't even have time to see him. He was busy with reports and meetings after his recovery, and was on strict light duty for several weeks, at first not even allowed to train or spar. I was pulling a regular shift in the infirmary, and now teaching that sex-ed class in addition to my usual rigorous schedule of physical training and other classes.
I was still a bit nervous when it came right down to it. I dressed carefully, and did my hair up in a French twist, allowing the Padawan braid to hang freely as usual. I strung my locket on the new gold chain as my only jewelry. I imagined that I wouldn't worry so much once the dance had started. I sighed. The dress did flatter my figure, and I'd just have to live with whatever criticism I got.
It wasn't a long walk to the ballroom, and as I found a seat in the corner, I saw Junie and Maru coming to find me. Junie did look like an elven princess, her hair loose about her shoulders in a glowing russet cloak, her eyes matching the peacock blue of her gown, her fair skin glowing in the subdued light. She was incredibly beautiful, graceful and slender, shining like the spring after winter.
"There she is," Maru said. She looked wonderful as well, in the golden color she'd chosen that brought out her eyes and the beautiful highlights in her fur. I smiled when they came to me.
"Good evening, ladies," I said. "How lovely you look tonight!"
They both smiled, and Junie colored a bit. "So do you," she said.
"I'm just glad to look like a girl for a change and not a loaf of French bread," I replied. "You – knock 'em dead, girl! They'll be howling at the moon."
She giggled. "You're fooling me," she said.
"I wouldn't do that – you're beautiful. Just wait. You won't sit down all night."
"And you?" she replied.
"I'm on wallflower duty this evening," I shot back. "That is, unless some kind soul teaches me to dance."
"I'm sure someone will suffer through it," Maru said, with a sly smile.
"Well, I wore soft shoes so I wouldn't do anyone injury," I said, grinning back. "And have you seen Barlo Deek?" I asked. "He's all dressed up too, he looks wonderful." Barlo was the Chadra-Fan male Padawan, almost ready for knighthood. He was the only one in many generations, and all his people were very proud of him. Maru had something of a passion for him from afar. She smiled.
"He's back from his mission?" she asked. "That's great! I'll go say hello, then." And before she lost her nerve, she was off.
"Go get him," I said. "Good luck!"
"And he sees her, too," Junie said softly. "Oh, Force, we'll hear the explosion for miles."
"Maybe. She really does like him. He's a sweet fellow, and very brave, too, from all reports. Do you think … " I sighed. "Oh, let's not even start that. I hope she has a good time, we'll hear about it later."
Junie giggled. "Right. No gossip, we'll get the facts instead. Oh, my – " A tall, very handsome Jedi Padawan walked up to us and favored Junie with a stunned but devastating smile.
"Hello, Junie – you look – so beautiful. What a lovely dress."
"Why – thank you, Moss. You're looking very handsome tonight too. Lyn, this is Padawan Moss Narden. He was in my Clan, a yearmate. His Master is Sasee Tinn. Moss, this is Master Bodreau's Padawan, Belinda Kyle."
He bowed, and took my hand in his. "I'm pleased to meet you, Padawan Kyle," he said, giving me one of those thousand-watt opuses too. "Junie has told me a lot about you."
"Don't believe the good things," I replied. "I'm pleased to meet you, too, Padawan Narden. Your Master speaks highly of you. Congratulations on the success of your last mission. It's all around the Temple how you helped with the border conflict on Wrenta, you did wonderful work."
"It was wonderful to be able to help," he said, coloring a bit. "My Master did the work, I just tagged along." He looked back at Junie, and I got the impression that I was definitely not the object of his attention.
Duh, Kyle, get a clue...
"Junie, would you like to dance?"
"Why – yes, that would be wonderful. It's nice to start out with someone you know, isn't it?"
He smiled again. "Yes. I'm a little nervous, I haven't been to one of these for a long time."
"They're all the same, but I'm glad you're here," she said. "See you later, Lyn."
"Have fun!" I said.
It seemed to be a line-based dance, something of a cross between "Strip-the-Willow" and a Virginia reel. The music was lively and sprightly, and I almost recognized the tune. I sat with my punch and a cookie and grinned. It was going to be fun, even if I only watched the rest dance. The little ones liked the fast pace of the dance, and there was a good deal of laughter.
During a set of contra-like dances of the same sort, Master Windu arrived, and drew a bead on me. He was resplendent in formal robes, impeccable as always. He came up to me and bowed, and I did what I'd wanted to do from the moment I met him – I dipped into a deep formal curtsy. He smiled, took my hand, and kissed the fingers gently.
"Good evening, Belinda," he said. "You're looking lovely."
"Why, thank you! Good evening to you, too, Master Windu," I replied. "Good to see you, you look splendid, as always."
"Why aren't you dancing?" he asked, puzzled.
"No one asked – and I don't know these, anyway."
"That's easily remedied," he replied. "May I?"
"I'd be delighted, Master," I said. He reached out his hand and took mine once more, and he swung me out to the floor in a set of what seemed to be polkas and a waltz. I proved to myself that I was perfectly normal by thoroughly enjoying the scent of his toiletries, dark and spicy, and the nearness of a very handsome and charming man. He led firmly and gracefully so I could follow, and we had a good time. He returned me to where I'd been sitting before, and Junie had returned with Moss. They all greeted Master Windu with bows, and he seemed honestly startled by Junie.
"Why, Padawan, you're gorgeous tonight," he said to her. She dimpled, and colored a bit.
"Thank you, Master Windu," she said. "You're looking well, too. It's good to see you."
"May I have this dance?" he asked, bowing to her.
"Why, I'd love to," she said, with a dazzling smile.
The men clustered around Junie like moths to a flame – she was truly lovely, and she had a sweet and kind nature that made it even harder to miss her. It was her evening, and I was pleased for her.
I danced with several Padawans of various ages, none of whom stepped on my feet. Good work, my feet are hard to miss. They were sweet and charming, and a few were even good-looking. Several of them seemed a bit bemused at Junie's transformation. I was pleasantly surprised when Silloq turned on the charm and treated us in a very courtly and gentlemanly manner, dancing with each of us in turn as custom demanded. I was, however, still suspicious, the proverbial "bad feeling". I kept an eye on him. Our dance was not a pleasant experience, though he was polite enough.
There were a couple of line dances for the women, and we had fun and lots of giggles mastering the simple steps. Master Windu came back and taught me another few dances; these were more along a set dance idea, like a square dance. I got the idea that he truly liked dancing, and came because he had a good time. He was his usual charming and witty self, and I very much enjoyed his company and his shrewd and funny observations about the crowd in the ballroom.
"Monopolizing the pretty women again, I see, Mace," Qui-Gon said, as we headed back to the punchbowl for a drink.
"It's not my fault that you come late, my friend," he replied with a smile. "I was just warming them up for you."
I chuckled, and did Qui-Gon a courtesy. "Good evening, Master Jinn," I said. "You're looking well."
He took my hand. "And you're looking wonderful, Padawan," he replied with a bow. "Is this the infamous dress?"
"Yes, it is," I said. "I'm told I look like someone's grandmother, but I still think it's a bit better than looking like a refrigerated trout. It's just not me."
Both he and Master Windu chuckled at that. "It does remove the mystery from things," Master Windu said.
"And that's good?" I asked. "Well, I suppose there's something to be said for truth in advertising." I sighed as they chuckled once more. "I think I know which punchbowl isn't spiked yet," I continued. "Anyone in?"
"What fun is that?" Mace asked, and bowed. "I think I'll go see how Jax is doing."
"Well, then," I said, "thank you very much for the lessons, Master Windu."
"You're most welcome, I quite enjoyed it."
And he went off, whistling the tune from the dance that was starting.
"Shall we?" Qui-Gon asked, indicating the couples forming on the dance floor.
"I'd love to," I replied, promptly not thinking a thing about being thirsty.
He, too, led so I easily followed the simple steps, and seemed to enjoy it. I certainly did – he was tall and strong and graceful, and it was a joy to dance with him, to be held in his arms. He gallantly danced with Junie and Maru as well, and kissed Junie's hand and bowed at the end of her dance. I couldn't blame her for the stars in her eyes, I was sure mine were just as bright.
Silloq came back to me while Qui-Gon had gone to speak with one of the Knights present, and the others were dancing. I smelled alcohol on him, heavily, and now knew where the bad feeling had come from. Surprisingly, he hadn't come to immediately pick a fight, but to ask me to dance. I didn't have to think about that one.
"No, thank you, Silloq," I said, politely. "I'd rather not." That would be asking for trouble, and I had enough already without putting in a special order.
"What!?" He asked. "You'd rather not?"
"That's right, but thank you for asking," I said, a bit more firmly. I turned away to go, and he grabbed my shoulder and spun me back to face him, surprisingly strong.
Bad move...I tried to shrug shrug my shoulder out of the grip and thereby avoid the confrontation, but he had me hard enough to bruise and would not let go.
"I suggest," I continued quietly, "that you move that hand if you want to keep it, Padawan Riijs." Folks began to notice, and I went to the old SCA standby. "How dare you?" I hissed, projecting my voice and using one of Master Windu's dirty tricks to dislodge his hand. Painfully.
Wrong move. He lost his temper and lashed out at me, slapping my face before I could fall back. He made a motion with his other hand, too, and there was a mental attack that cut only a little less deep than the one that had almost killed me when I arrived at Coruscant.
"How dare I? How dare I? How dare you? Where are you going to do better?" He sneered. "You think your handsome Jedi Master will come to rescue you? You think he's going to come sweep you off your feet and take you away from all this? What a joke! I'm sick and tired of your high and mighty attitude when you're not even good enough to be a high-class whore, much less to be a Jedi's lover, you dirty little Vagabond slut! It's high time someone put you in your place. You're nobody, you're less than nobody, you're a clone! You scum, your sort are chattel on my world, less than slaves! How dare you?"
He was shouting by this time, having entirely lost his temper. Even through the pain I stood flat-footed and open-mouthed, because he was telling the truth. I knew that the moment it came out of his mouth, and cursed myself for having not figured it out sooner. Suddenly the various odd phenomena I'd experienced in the last months all made sense, beginning with the patterning sessions and relearning of the most elementary movements and physical skills and going onward. I'd joked about my 'new brain' but the moodswings I'd had and the flightiness there since childhood were gone.
I swallowed a whimper, took a deep breath and quieted myself, lest my temper get me into trouble. There was no way this little ratty bastard was going to see me admit that he'd hurt me, even if it felt like I couldn't catch a breath, like I was bleeding out.
"I don't believe that's the law here, Padawan Riijs," I said, barely managing to hold back tears of rage. "We were on Coruscant the last time I checked. Whether it's true or not, I am a sentient being, and I have the right to say no if I choose. Please leave me alone." He stepped back a bit before the tone of my words, and I took the opportunity to withdraw further, almost stumbling into Qui-Gon. Master Windu was there as well, and a few other Masters and Knights I didn't immediately recognize.
"Yes, Padawan Riijs," Master Windu said, and I could feel a quiet menace behind the words, "that would be a very good idea." It suddenly seemed that Silloq wasn't as out of control now that he was faced with Qui-Gon and Mace, and not nearly as brave – of course, that would be an adaptive trait. He moved back a little further, but he was laughing, smiling, goofy, looking like he'd just had a hit of that drug, Zonko, or like some of the crackheads I remembered. It was creepy. My head began to pound.
"M-master Jinn – Master Windu -- "
"I believe your Master will wish to speak with you shortly," Master Windu said to Silloq, coldly enough to send a chill down my spine. "Your behavior is a disgrace to this Order. Return to your quarters, Padawan Riijs."
He bowed hastily. "Yes, Master Windu," he said, still with a goofy, stoned look pasted on his face. He left hastily but walked a trifle unsteadily, and I took another deep breath, struggling to find a center that seemed to have vanished like mist. Now I could feel the tears sliding down my face, and I trembled as the puzzle pieces fell into place rapidly.
Of course it was true. I was no longer a klutz, didn't have migraines twice a week anymore, had no trouble with my weight, no killer PMS. My foot was whole and so was my shoulder. What else had they changed? Who am I now?
"Belinda?" Qui-Gon asked. "Are you all right?" He laid a hand on my arm, and it seemed to anchor me somehow. I felt much steadier for it.
"I – don't know," I whispered. "I feel – strange."
"They didn't tell you," he said. I shook my head, now unable to speak. I could hardly stand. "I wasn't aware of that," he continued. "I am sorry, Belinda."
I took another deep breath, and steadied myself. I wiped my face with the back of my hand and straightened myself as best I could. "It's not your fault, Qui-Gon. I should have figured it out, I suppose. Please, will you give my excuses to the others? I don't want to make more of a scene than I already have, but I need to leave now. I need to – think about this."
"Of course," he said. He tilted my chin up so I looked him in the eyes, now sad to feel my pain, and followed a last tear track with a gentle touch of a long, elegant finger. I could feel the comfort he wanted to give me, but I couldn't accept it. I smiled shakily, to acknowledge his care, and took his hand. "You have much to consider. But think on this as well – does it make any difference?"
"That's a good question, maybe the only one that counts," I replied. "I have to find the answer myself, I think."
"Yes," he said softly. "That is certainly so, but you are hurt. Let me help you."
"It's just bruises, Qui-Gon. No need, but thank you."
"Some wounds are not visible, Belinda," he replied.
"No – no, Qui-Gon. For those, I must seek healing within myself."
"Perhaps that is also the case. May the Force be with you, Belinda."
"Thank you, Qui-Gon. With you as well." He kissed my hand gently.
I slipped out when the next dance began, and walked down the corridors in random directions until I found the same meditation garden Qui-Gon and I had used so long ago. It felt like a hundred years.
No wonder they thought they had to break our bond. No wonder they couldn't. He held me here, helped me stay. I know it's true. I am alive because he cared enough to help me.
The chamber garden was pretty and quiet, no one there right then, with a small fountain and cool, deep green plants. I splashed my face a bit to cool it and wipe tears away, and calmed myself, taking the time to do it thoroughly, with all the tools I'd been given. I shielded as well, blocking everyone out, even – and especially – Master Bodreau. It was a relief to finally find that I did have a center, and that it was where it had always been, just made elusive from the shock of Silloq's revelation. I supposed that was understandable, but I wasn't happy with it. If a personal remark or insult could knock me off that much, I wasn't much of a Healer yet. But what was I anyway?
I looked back, now, to have some clue, some indication of how I knew he was right, and then it came to me, the voices of Qui-Gon and the others that had haunted my dreams.
Are you sure, little one? Are you sure? Evidently I had been sure then. Sure of what, though? I knew then, I had to tell someone about what could happen to Qui-Gon, to Obi-Wan, to the whole Jedi Order.
Not that they had listened, I thought, grimly. What sense was it now? Why was I still here if they didn't use what I gave them? Surely they knew, they understood --
I was taken up short, then, and opened my eyes in shock. Of course they'd heard what I'd had to say, of course they understood. But they didn't believe it could happen. They preferred their will to the Will of the Force, and unless I could make more of a difference, it would cost them all their lives.
Could anyone make them see? Am I just fooling myself, being an unwitting instrument of the bloody Sith devil? Gods, should I even be alive now? I could feel panic rising. My memory had been compromised, even invaded. Perhaps I was now a tool of his designs. Overall, I could see why they were keeping me close here, to keep an eye on me.
I had already failed.
Okay, Kyle, get hold of yourself; get over this. Can you do anything about this? How many of the people here are conceived or even birthed by artificial means? Are they any less for that? Do you feel any less than human, less than what you were? Hardly. In fact, idiot, you've got the best second chance that anyone could have. Get a grip. You're still breathing, you still have something to do, and self-pity is not on the list.
That was the logical part of my mind talking, and I had to admit that there was something to consider in that. But on the other hand, I had failed – I had not been able to warn the right people of the right things. He had caught me. What made me think that this new ditto-me would be able to do any better?
But why keep this particular fact from me? Wouldn't it be best to tell me so that the fact couldn't be used as ammunition against me?
Well, they must have decided that I would freak out – as I just had. Of course. I was disappointed that they would think the worst of me, but not surprised. And maybe they wanted it as ammunition. This was a prime example of why things had to change. I got the feeling that I was regarded as – a pawn on the board, disposable at that.
Don't get paranoid, Kyle. Who the hell died and left you in charge? Why would they think that much of me? I was a stray, a pathetic life form that Qui-Gon had brought to the Temple. I had shown Force sensitivity so they had to train me, so I wouldn't be a danger to myself or others, but otherwise – I wondered if under other circumstances whether I'd have been kept on, perhaps as a curiosity. Now at least I was learning something, to be useful. Don't let anger control you. Haven't you learned that at least? Continue to be useful, to learn. The other things can be worked out later. These are good, kind people, overall. They just have a different – point of view...
I felt a bit better, I guessed. The pep talk hadn't done what I wanted it to, but I could at least fake being together enough to go back to my apartment. I could make a stab at thinking straight, and I could breathe a bit better. I showered and changed, and put my dress away, and sat to meditate some more.
I sensed people approaching, and I looked up to see Master Yoda in his hoverchair, flanked by Master Bodreau and Master Dooku. I hastily stood and bowed to them. Gods, I wish they'd just leave me alone for a bit to figure this out. I'm still so confused... and I feel so strange, so weak, and cold...
"Good evening, Masters," I said. "I regret the disturbance I must have caused at the Fete. I apologize."
"No apologies are necessary, Padawan. It is we who owe apologies," Master Bodreau said.
"How so, Master?" I asked. "I would have appreciated candor on the subject for myself, but you had no way of knowing that Silloq would lash out in such a manner. His arrogance is not your responsibility."
"Master P'nr'u has been informed, however, and Silloq has been reprimanded."
"For telling the truth?" I asked, curious.
"Reprimanded he was for betraying a confidence," Master Yoda said. "Shameful his actions were, without respect."
No arguing with that. I nodded.
"And we are guilty of no less with you," Master Bodreau said. "Belinda, please understand; your body was terribly damaged by the poison in the dart that hit you. There was brain damage, and your organs were failing one by one. It was all we could do to keep you alive, even in medical stasis, until we could make the transfer. It was an experimental method, but it was the only chance we could give you."
I bowed. "I thank you for that, then, and once more for your kindness and your care. And thank you all for my life. I must ask, though – exactly what is my status here?"
"Officially a citizen of Coruscant, you are." Master Yoda spoke quietly.
"Thank you, Master. I was curious," I replied. I felt empty, but I had to at least give a formulaic response. "I know that you asked my consent before the procedure, I remember that now. I can hardly withdraw it. I can only hope to make good use of this amazing chance you have given me."
"Pragmatic your view is," Master Yoda said.
I shrugged. "I'm hardly in a position to debate the morality of cloning or other such technology, Master. I'm breathing, so I must have some work to do, and it seems that this is where I need to be. I'm blessed to even be here, and I don't see how that changes."
"A logical conclusion, Padawan," Master Dooku said, speaking for the first time. "You may think differently in the morning."
"I may indeed, Master Dooku," I replied. "As I said, it seems that I have work to do. I'll do it. Any other niceties will have to wait until I figure them out."
There was a hint of a sad smile in his eyes as he nodded, but Master Bodreau and Master Yoda still looked like they were at a funeral. I could especially see it in Master Bodreau's eyes – distress and regret, a need for forgiveness.
"We can discuss this tomorrow, Padawan," he said. "Now you must rest. You have been hurt."
"As you wish, Master," I said, bowing. I took his hands and looked into his eyes directly. "Be assured, though – I bear you no ill will because of this incident. It was not under your control. It happened. I just have to get over myself a little bit more."
He gave me something of a smile. "I am glad," he said. "Your adjustment has not been easy."
"My Master of understatement," I said, with a smile. "But I'm working on it. My Masters, may I take my leave of you? I am tired, and I have much to consider. I also have a very early day tomorrow."
"That is true," Master Bodreau said. "Very well. May the Force be with you, Padawan."
"And with you, Masters. Good night." I bowed and left them to their own devices. I wasn't interested in any more philosophical debates, and the Gods alone knew that I didn't want any more advice.
