Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda etc.

And here's where the initial crackness that fueled the beginning of the story starts to give way to Revali Is Still The Buttmonkey But Also He Starts Feeling Feelings And Doesn't Like It.

It's still amazingly glorious though.

In regards to Lyn's name, the first time I saw that Hyrule Warriors had a character named Linkle I was like :I you fuckin shittin me right now boi. Lyn is a nice name, while Linkle manages to try too hard while also not try at all.
(Although in Super Smash Bros, I have a tendency to make Link wear the light-purple variant of his tunic just so I can call him Perilinkle so I'm just a filthy hypocrite :3)

Chapter 3: Hearty Meals and Skipped Heartbeats


The Goddess gives Revali one night of mercy, because Zelda gleefully declares that giving Revali the full vai makeover will take too much time to accomplish after dinner. He cherishes every moment in the clean guest room that doesn't involve him in women's clothes wearing women's makeup. And he totally doesn't end up having very confused dreams involving hydromelons.

The second morning he wakes up in the guest room makes up for the first in terms of smell and comfort level, but it's almost worse in that he knows exactly how he's going to die this time. So he enjoys the morning while he can.

When the desert isn't scorching hot, the city view from the window is actually nice to look at. It's a bit disconcerting to see only women strolling around, and Revali has a hard time reminding himself that this is one of the primary reasons why he even flew out here. Yesterday seems so long ago.

And then Zelda kicks the door in and drags Revali to hell.

Hell happens to be the exact same bathhouse that got him in so much trouble yesterday. Urbosa and Lyn are already there, with a variety of grooming tools that suddenly resemble instruments of torture more than anything else. Before he can get a word in edgewise, they throw him in the bath and all but jump him, scrubbing the remaining nastiness out of his feathers. Revali can't even enjoy it because the pressure required to get all of the dried awful out chafes against his skin.

They let him take care of the more personal parts on his own, taking advantage of the break to stew up some chilly simmered fruits. Lyn ends up commandeering the pot when Zelda suggests winterwing butterflies instead of icy lizalfos tails, and Urbosa ends up engaging Zelda in debate over the merits of insects in normal food just to keep her occupied and preserve the sanctity of breakfast.

Revali listens to it all and shivers. Sure, the Rito do have insect dishes, but they choose specific insects and don't mix them with other foods. The Wind Champion hopes that the royal chef went on vacation right before the Calamity hit, because Zelda needs cooking lessons badly.

By the time he's completely clean, Revali has lost too many feathers for his liking, and a good deal of their soft silky sheen will take some time to recover, and he almost sniffles again before remembering that he is the strongest warrior of the Rito and also in the presence of people who will mock him for it endlessly. His only solace is that the next phase of this terrible makeover will fix any feathers sticking out at odd angles, because even though he's going to look like a vai, he's going to look like a cute vai. The three ladies once again go on the offensive, with the Rito equivalent of hairbrushes made for the express purpose of sorting out feathers and barbs. Thankfully it's much less painful than the scrubbing, so Revali finds that if he sits still and tries not to let the occasional tug bother him, he can close his eyes and zone out and think about other things.

Unfortunately, "other things" has changed a lot in the last two days, so where before he might have thought about the leadership in Rito Village and his future there, or the rebuilding efforts in the rest of the Kingdom, or even how saving the world doesn't make Link the hottest thing since curry at the top of Death Mountain but he's still kind of cool but he doesn't need to know that, now he's too confused to ponder any one of those at length.

He finds his thoughts drifting in regards to how utterly unreal this entire trip has been, and then comes to and finds that he zoned out to the drone of Urbosa and Zelda talking, and... some light humming.

His eyes roll backwards, to find Lyn sitting behind him carefully working on his braids, humming a short tune dominated by a three-note refrain. He keeps quiet for a few minutes, just listening. Not because the humming is pleasant or soothing or cute or anything like that, but because he wants to gauge it by Rito standards. The Rito are, after all, the best musicians in Hyrule, and while Rito women tend more towards singing where men choose instruments, Revali decided long ago that as the best of the Rito, he would simply have to be the best at all things Rito and applied his efforts to both pursuits. He wonders if that actual hydromelon to the face is part of the reason he deems the hummed song... nice.

"I didn't know you could carry a tune," he remarks off-hand, and Lyn immediately stops. As do Urbosa and Zelda. Revali waits for Lyn to say something, and then remembers that he has never heard a single word from the Hero, and wonders if that's by choice. But Lyn's gone back to fidgety and embarrassed and Zelda's warning look is growing increasingly severe, so he backtracks. "It was good. Coming from a Rito, that's high praise," he assures, but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

"Idiot." Urbosa rolls her eyes.

Revali almost fights back - because really, what did he do this time? - but one does not simply confront Urbosa.

"It looks like we've done all we can for your feathers, so now let's continue with the rest of the makeover," Zelda nearly sings with glee. It doesn't matter to her that no self-respecting Rito wears lipstick, or that the dusty makeup that works on Hylian and Gerudo skin simply makes an itchy mess on Rito feathers, because Revali finds himself sporting both of those, plus some experimental skin-paint on his legs. Thankfully, Zelda hasn't been so cruel as to choose colors that would clash with his plumage (she had been on the verge of picking out some riotously loud pinks to clash with some night-glow greens), and the violet shades can pass as natural if passersby don't look too closely.

Once they finish with this stage of the makeover, Zelda takes far too many pictures of Revali with her Sheikah Slate, and Urbosa reminds her that Daruk and Mipha will definitely get to see these when they head back to the capital. Revali gets a short reprieve while Urbosa goes to search for a variety of outfits to force Revali to try on.

And then Revali gets a three-hour reminder about why shopping for clothes with ladies who take interest in fashion is probably one of the worst things ever, because at first they merely throw outfits at him, take pictures of him wearing them, and giggle uncontrollably, but the longer this continues, the more they begin thoughtfully examining each individual piece of the outfits and suggesting different combinations, critiquing each one for far longer than necessary. Considering how much attention he puts into his grooming on his own time, it actually causes him to reel with disbelief that he's been so upstaged in the caring-about-my-own-aesthetics arena, and he tries to pretend that he isn't actually listening to some of their critique for later consideration when he is allowed to sport his preferred voe Rito outfits.

Most Gerudo are finishing up lunch by the time the three of them finish with Revali's vai makeover, and Zelda and Urbosa immediately begin plotting ways to make this more uncomfortable for him. They send him into the jewelry store, which doesn't have quite the intended effect - Revali finds himself quite interested in the circlets and earrings for sale (because they're functional, not because they're attractive, obviously) and starts haggling with the owners over pricing for the sapphire circlet. It takes about half an hour of angry-straining-falsetto-vai-voice, a ruby, and more Rupees than Revali cared to fork over before he marches out of the store with his prize, and all of the triumph he feels over acquiring the heat-resistant jewelry evaporates when he sees Urbosa doubled over with laughter and Zelda recording the entire debacle.

(He's so miffed that he ends up flying to the springs at the top of Gerudo city just to mope all alone, and it takes Lyn climbing up with a note from Zelda promising that they'll leave the city the day after tomorrow for him to come back down.)

They end up going to the Noble Canteen to reward Revali for being a relatively good sport, and Revali gets treated to both a Noble Pursuit courtesy of Urbosa, and the amusement of seeing the bartender deny to serve Lyn in kind. It's probably for the best, though, because Revali won't admit that he can't hold his liquor as well as he claims, and he's not sure about the prospects of anything good happening if even one member of this dysfunctional foursome gets drunk. Revali has to hand it to the bar, though, that their signature drink is refreshing, goes down sufficiently strong, and manages to pull off a decent flavor, so if he ever finds himself in this hellhole desert again, he'll definitely make a point of coming here, no matter how feminine he has to disguise himself to get in.

Zelda wants to force Revali into the Hotel Oasis spa, while Urbosa insists he learn how to sand seal surf, but the haggling and the moping and the drinking have eaten up the last of the daylight hours, and they're all forced to retreat to the palace for another dinner courtesy of Lyn, who seems really attached to cooking pots in general. This time, she takes extreme measures to save dinner and hides her sack with all her insect and monster specimens with Urbosa. Dinner is a less dangerous affair for Revali's mortality than the previous night, and while Revali and Lyn still try to out-glutton each other, Urbosa and Zelda discuss more mundane matters, such as making preparations for their trip back to Hyrule Castle in two days.

Revali thinks that perhaps tomorrow will be less exciting.

Revali has learned exactly nothing.


Someone is shaking him awake...

"Come on, mom. Five more minutes..." he groans.

Silence. And then unabashed giggling.

Revali opens one eye blearily and finds Lyn almost doubled over, although her giggles have given way to silent laughter. Revali squawks and jumps straight up, and then trips over the blankets and crashes on the floor. He hears a couple more titters of laughter, higher-pitched and overall not anywhere even remotely close to the discordant din he expected of anyone who would dare laugh at him. He squashes that almost-complimentary thought with all the mercy he would show a cockroach because he's not going to think that, and also the last time he pointed out that Lyn had made any noise at all, much less that the noise was even euphonious, she had retreated into her shell again, and Revali wants to coax her out of it, not-

... oh.

Oh shit.

Revali squashes the thought again. Harder. And meets resistance.

"Yes?" he says, a bit more forcefully than he intended, in an effort to clear his head.

Lyn still looks amused as she hands him a slip of paper. Another note from Zelda, this time informing Revali that while Urbosa and Zelda take care of the preparations for their departure tomorrow, he is to spend the day with Lyn, learning some basic desert skills. He studies the heavily bolded order that he will enjoy himself and sighs. "It looks like I'm going to learn how to ride a sand seal as well as learn to love sand rubbing up against crevices I didn't even know existed," he comments in a tone as dry as the desert itself, and is rewarded for his effort with a twinkle of amusement in Lyn's eyes that sets him back to squashing mental cockroaches.

A bit grudgingly, Revali foregoes his normal clothing for a mishmash of Gerudo pieces from the day before (Revali still has some of his pride, though, and he makes sure that they all work well together), and the two Champions make their way to the outer wall of the city where a rather lanky Gerudo is giving pointers on how to wrangle wild sand seals. Her eyes light up when she sees Lyn, and she immediately calls her other two students to attention to introduce them to "the best Hylian sand seal wrangler I've ever seen."

"I'm glad you've decided to visit us again!" she says. "Are you here to show these two hopeless voe how it's done? Oh, and you brought a friend-" The woman studies Revali for a long moment, and for a few tense seconds he stays perfectly still, wondering if she's seen through his disguise. He is a beautiful Rito vai, and how dare anyone say otherwise. But she merely gives him a perplexed look and says, "I've never seen a Rito try to learn to surf. Huh... Anyway," she turns back to Lyn, "go ahead and show them how it's done."

The Hero nods, and sets her sights on one of the wild sand seals lounging outside of the city. Her movements are clearly practiced as she lightly jogs behind it and then slows down to a nearly silent crouch-walk right before she attracts its attention. Revali manages to pay attention and even finds himself interested until he hears his two fellow students whispering to themselves.

"Man, she looks like she's really good at this."

"Oh, Ms. Boots is amazing! Not only is she skilled, but she's strong! And beautiful to boot! ... oh, that was an awful pun..."

"... Uh, boots? Wha- Oh, wow."

Lyn manages to latch on to the sand seal in one go, positioning her shield under her with a fluid motion and taking off across the sands towards the Kara Kara Bazaar in the distance. The Gerudo woman teaching them shouts some praise after her before turning to her students, but Revali finds himself engrossed in the whispered conversation.

"See how amazing she is?! That's Ms. Boots for you!"

"Why are you calling her Ms. Boots? I'll bet a gold Rupee that that's not her name."

"Well, she wanted a rare pair of boots I had, so we traded some things. I was actually surprised she went somewhere as dangerous as Gerudo Highlands just to get a picture in exchange for my boots, but she can handle herself. I just wish she had let me ask her out on a date, though. I'll try again after this!"

And Revali finds himself thinking several expletives, and then the mantra squish the mental cockroaches not the ones in front of me, and then several expletives that he's thinking the mantra, and finally how did my life get so confusing in three days.

Truly, there is no one in Hyrule with a more complicated life than Revali.


End Chapter 3

Yes, Revali. Feel things. FEEEEEEEEL THIIIIIIIIINGS.

I almost had Urbosa force Revali to attend Ashai's relationship lessons, but that would have been slightly too cruel on top of everything. Maybe next time!