Usual disclaimer: Al I own is my own imagination that tends to go wild when I let it.

My dearest Ryan,

I'm sitting here in my wedding dress, in front of a mirror on our wedding day and even now, half an hour before we become man and wife I want to tell you certain things, which explains why I am writing this, my last letter as Marissa Cooper to you. I want you to know that I love you. I've always loved you, even when we weren't together. You mean the world to me Ryan Atwood, and I see my life, past present and future in your eyes and your sole. I know that nothing can make me happier than I already am today, but I suddenly felt like if I wrote all these things down on paper it might make them even more true or easier to understand.

You're there by my side

In every way

I know that you would not forsake me

I give you my life

Would not think twice

Your love is all I need believe me

I don't even know where to begin, so I might as well just right whatever comes to my head until I have some idea of how I want this letter to go and what I want it to say. If I had to think about it honestly, I would say that the first time I fell in love with you was when we met for the first time. You gave me the cheesiest pick up line, and I fell for you and your deep blue eyes that even then showed maturity beyond your years. I never meant o hurt you or push you away and yet it seemed like that was all I was doing. I still remember the look on your face when I chose to believe Oliver over you and how long it took you to trust me again, and by the time you were ready for a second attempt at a relationship, it seemed as if god had a different plan for us, and we became spectators to a turn of events and lead you back home and me down a dark path I would take time and time again.

I may not say it quite as much as I should

When I say I love you darling that means for good

So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

This I swear

By the time you came back from Chino I found a new escape from Newport and I began dating D.J. just because my mom hated him. I was mad at the world then, and I thought you were gone for good. When you came back, I was in shock and I was too far gone to care about anything other than booze, so I didn't care about loosing you to Lindsey or the end of my relationship. Alex came into my life and again I began dating her and I moved in with her just to test my mother. Did I ever have any real feelings for either of them??? To this day I don't know the answer to that, but I do know that I never felt the way I did around you. By the time I realized that and we began dating Trey had made his way back into your life and I thought that if I tried to like him, he would stick around and you would be happy. All my life, all my actions have been dictated by my desire for your happiness and this has led me to do stupid things and has gotten me into a load of trouble, but as you know when forced to choose sides, I can't live without you Ryan, plain and simple.

I'm wondering how I ever got by

Without you in my life to guide me

Where ever I go the one thing that's true

Is everything I do I do for you

I may not say it half as much as I should

When I say I love you darling that means for good

So open up your heart and let me in

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

This I swear

Senior year began with a bang literally and again I became a spectator to my own life and events caught up with me. I thought you didn't understand me and that you had stopped loving me, so leaving you and Harbor for a public school education and new friends made sense to me. I never meant to be a burden on anyone or to make Johnny fall in love with me. I wanted to stay the hell away from anyone and everyone who I knew and who knew me. I became so attached to Johnny that when he died I thought that drugs and alcohol could numb my sorrow and my guilt, but it just made me like so many people in you life. I chose booze and drugs over you and you let me go, and thank god you did.

So whenever you get weary

Just reach out for me

I'll never let you down my love

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

By the time the school year had ended and we graduated I knew one thing to be true: The way back to your heart and back to my life was to choose life over death, love over booze, reality over fakeness. The road was hard and trying, but I did it. For you, for me, for my mom, and even for Sum, and by the New Year I was a girl with a new outlook on life and I was going places: Berkley to be exact. I know I made your life difficult and confusing at time, but you never let me go and I was always scared of loosing you, of loosing what we've always had, through good times and bad. You were a good thing in my life Ryan, and I didn't know who to react to you, because good things never happened to us Cooper women. Please forgive me for all the pain I cause you and know that I love you now forever and always and I am not letting you go any time soon.

And I will love you 'til forever

Until death do us part we'll be together

So take my hand and hold on tight

And we'll get there

Ohh we'll get there

This I swear

It's almost time for us to get married and I guess this trip down memory lane should end with the day you proposed to me. I remember it as if it was yesterday. You came from work tired and I was working in the garden, pulling out some weeds and probably venting my frustration at my mom again. You came up behind me and said I had never looked as beautiful as I did in that moment. I was wearing an old pair of muddy jeans and one of your t-shirts. My hair was tied back in a loose bun. I remember laughing at you to get serious and then, in the middle of the garden you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life me and have children with me. It took me a couple of minutes to realize exactly what you were saying, but I said yes. That was six months ago, and nothing could make me happier. See you at the end of the aisle Ryan. Maybe at the reception I'll even let you read this letter.

All my love,

Marissa Cooper Atwood (I had to add on your last name)