Chapter 3
"What do I do?" I ask Peyton. Dinner was tense. I didn't know what to say or what to do. We had been thrown for a loop when we was told not only did I have a second daughter but her mother and father had both died.
I didn't understand why Lindsey kept Kylie a secret. I would have been supportive and I would have helped her. I felt ashamed that I wasn't given that chance to prove myself. Lindsey had decided from the beginning that I wasn't going to be a good parent.
"Just give her time." Peyton whispers to me. We lay in their bed; unable to sleep. "She has just lost her entire world. Her parents – are gone. They aren't coming back and on top of that she had to move and live with a family that she never knew even existed. All of this has happened in a span of less than a week. We just need to give her space and time."
"I know," I huff
"What is really bothering?" Peyton asks, turning to face me.
"I wasn't given a chance to prove that I would have been a good father. What did Lindsey really think I would have been such a horrible parent that she had to keep this from me? I know there is a teenage girl whose live was ruined but I can't help but think that if I was allowed to be in her life that this situation would have been easier"
"Maybe, but Lindsey did what she thought what was best for her daughter. Where they the best decisions? I can't say. But they were done for Kylie. We have to accept that and look at the situation we are faced with." Peyton grabs Lucas and holds him tight. She wants him to be okay.
"She isn't a situation, Peyton" I snap "She is a child."
"I know this. I wasn't talking about her specifically. I am talking about the series of events that has got us here." Patiently, Peyton speaks to me. "Now let us go to sleep."
"Okay," I agree. "I love you."
"I love you too." She kisses me softly. She has always been my rock. She is patient and kind. She has a heart full of love and with that she gives me strength. I let her love pull me into sleep as we hold each other.
The night air is chilling. The quiet is suffocating. There was no way I could sleep in that house. That house was driving me insane. So I left. I walked till I ended up by the river. When I lived in New York I never 'snuck out'. My parents didn't care if I left at night. They believed if you couldn't sleep at night, then staying coped up wasn't the answer. They encouraged me to seek out the answers to the questions my soul was keeping me up with. Then every morning we would talk about what kept me awake. They would give me advice and help me through whatever was on my mind. Usually it was a test or a friend issue.
But tonight what keeps me awake is missing them. I never knew what true pain looked like. I never had to really lose anything. Not like this. What I would do to have one more talk with them. One more good night, one more early morning chat. My family is gone. That thought alone makes me collapse on the inside. Every fiber of my being wishes I could have stopped them. I wish I didn't let them go. If I had asked, they would have stayed home. That was what it was like for us. If I needed them – they would stay. I wish I needed them more that night; because right now I need them. I need them with everything in my body. I need advice. I need a hug. I need – I just need them.
"Hey, you're up late." Jamie calls from behind me. I try to catch my breath after jumping ten feet into the air.
"You scared me!" I shout.
"Sorry" Jamie shrugs. He isn't sorry in the least." My point still stands. You are up late."
"Well so are you." I fire back
"True. I have a hard time sleeping during when I am here." He says off handedly
"Why? This is your home." I ask
"I go to Duke. I live on campus for most of the year and then during the summers I come home. My mom would be upset if I didn't." Jamie states
"We wouldn't want your mom upset now would we?" I joke
"My mom is a fierce lady when she wants to be." Jamie defends his mom, just like he should.
"It's too quiet here." I mumble to myself
"Yeah I know what you mean. Something is always going on around campus. But it's probably nothing compared to New York City."
"I wouldn't know. I have never been to Duke." I try to shrug it off. He is getting a little close to the things I am trying to escape.
"Why are you here?" Jamie asks out of the blue.
"What?" I gasps. Why would someone just ask you that? Rude much.
"No one just decides to move to Tree Hill unless you know someone here. No one comes from a place like New York City to live in this town. So I will ask again – why are you here?"
"I don't know." I tell him honestly "I have no clue what I am doing here. But I have to figure it out because I am stuck here."
"But why? Why don't you just move back?" Jamie pushes
"I can't!" I push back. Why can't he just drop it?
"Why!?" He shouts. Does he have to know everything?
"My parents died! That's why I can't leave here. I am stuck here because apparently Lucas Scott is my dad and since both of my parents died I have to be here with him. Is that what you wanted to know?" I scream, trying to hold back the tears.
"Oh shit, I am sorry." His face falls instantly and you can see the regret coloring his face.
"I'm sure you are." I spit "Now if you don't have any other invasive questions, I will be leaving."
"Kylie –" He begins to apologize.
"Don't start." I push past him. The tears start to fall but I don't wipe them away. Why would I? More would just replace them anyways.
In the vast dark – send up a single question. I hope that my parents can hear me from wherever they are and give me an answer. "Why." I whisper.
"Marcus be reasonable!" I shout as he starts to leave the house. In the years we have been married we have never fought – not like this.
"She is mine, Lindsey." He yells back "He is not going to take her away from me."
"He doesn't even know yet." I reiterate
"But you want to tell him." He spits "You had 9 months to tell him. Why now?"
"He deserves to know." Which is what I have been telling him from the beginning of this fight.
"What if he wants her? What if tries to take her from us." Marcus looks at me then, with tears in his eyes. "That's my daughter up there."
"I know baby. He won't – he is a good man." I stare into those blue eyes. He was scared. I couldn't blame him. I was scared too.
"You don't know that." He argues
"Marcus, he say a right to know." I state firmly "She will always be our daughter. No one will take her from us."
"I looked into him you know." He begins "He has a daughter of his own. Why does he need ours?"
"Marcus" I start
"Dadda?" A little voice rounds the corner with tears streaming down her face. She is holding her stuffed rhino we got her. We had taken her the zoo a year ago and she fell in love with them.
"Baby girl" Marcus runs and picks her up. He starts to soothe her. "What's wrong baby?"
"You fighting with momma" She starts to cuddle up to her dad. He understood her better than anyone.
"We are. Sometimes mommies and daddies will fight but will work it out. I promise. No need to worry." We promised each other when we had her we would never hide anything from her. We would be open and honest with her about everything.
"Why are you fighting?" She asks.
"We are fighting because you have another daddy and I want you to meet him" I tell her.
"No! I want my daddy." She holds Marcus tight "My daddy!" Marcus looks like so proud of here in that moment. She chose him.
"I know baby. We will work this out, I promise." Marcus kisses her head. "Now me and momma need to finish. You go to bed and I will be there in a little while okay?"
"Okay Daddy" She gives him one more hug and then Marcus puts her down and she waddles up the stairs.
We both take a breath. We take a seat on the stairs. "What stopped you from telling him before now?"
"I didn't want him to take her. I didn't want her to love him more than me. I know that is selfish but I didn't want to lose her. She is my whole world." I whisper "But it isn't fair to him."
"Those are my fears Lindsey." He holds my hand "This is our life and I don't want anyone to take her away from us. He has his life and we have ours."
"She has a right to know as well." I said making a point "We said we would keep things from her. We wouldn't lie to her.
"She does know." I roll my eyes at his start ass comment
"She is three. She will forget this ever happened." I retort
"We can let her decide when she is old enough." Marcus offers
"When would that be?" I shoot back. "Keeping this a secret goes against everything we said we would do. Do you realize that?"
"I do. We made a promise to her and ourselves; but I thought we would never have to talk about this. I thought this issue was settled." He grumbles "I just want her to be all mine. She has always been mine."
"I know Marcus. We can always try for another baby." I offer
"Really," He questions "You want another baby?"
"Oh god no." I answer "She is more than enough I couldn't handle any of it."
"Then why would you suggest it?" He huffs out a laugh
"I thought it would be nice" I laugh as well. The suggestion was ridiculous.
"We will give her everything else in this world. We will give her the best life anyone has ever had. When she is eighteen we can tell her then. She will be an adult; she can figure out what she wants to do with that information" Marcus states firmly. A delectation for us.
"Okay." I agree "this is a selfish decision but we will give her everything and then let her decide later. I am going to put it in a letter for her. If she has questions we will be there to answer them. We will always be there for her."
"Exactly." He nods "I think a letter is a good touch. I don't think I can actually tell her she has another dad."
"No, I don't think you could." I try not to laugh
"Really?" He jokes "You are laughing at me? I will give you something to laugh about." He launches himself at me and starts to tickle me.
"Ahh!" I laugh "Go take care of our daughter, you fool."
"Okay, okay." He releases me "But I will get you later."
"I would hope so." I taunt. He leans down to kiss me.
"I'm going" I kiss him back.
"Then go." I give him a little shove up the stairs.
"I love you." He calls
"I love you." I echo.
We will be okay. I just know it.
