Year Three
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
"I thought that this year, as a nice change of pace, you might want to actually hire a competent Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. And maybe one who isn't possessed, if you're really ambitious," Severus said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Once again, Albus was conducting last-minute staffing interviews for one of the most vital and yet poorly-taught subjects at Hogwarts. And once more Severus was using his valuable interview time to complain about Albus's previous choices. Someone really ought to tell the man that badmouthing the competition works better BEFORE they leave the job.
"I'll admit, the last two candidates have been…" Albus paused, searching for the right word. He finally settled on, "Less than idea."
Severus snorted. "That's an understatement if I've ever heard one. And it hasn't just been the past two years; it's been all twelve years I've been teaching. Not to mention some of the Professors employed when I was a student…" he trailed off, clearly reminiscing.
"There was nothing wrong with-" Albus began.
"You hired a Veela my fifth year, Albus," Severus cut in. "Just try to tell me that that's conducive to hormonal teenage boys' learning anything?"
"I never noticed a problem," Albus said stiffly.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Of course you didn't; you're immune to not only Veela but practically the entire female population. I'm starting to think that you're asexual."
Or he could be gay, of course, but no need to bring that up. Just let them all think he was too old for that kind of thing. "It's not easy to fill this position, you know," Albus changed the subject.
"I realize that. However, I've been right here dropping anvil-sized hints about wanting the post since you hired me," Severus pointed out.
"My dear Severus," Albus said soothingly. "I couldn't possibly aff-"
"Afford to lose me, I know," Severus said wryly. "Out of curiosity, have you even tried to locate Slughorn?"
"I've been too busy persuading my newest applicant to show up today for a cursory interview," Albus defended.
Severus raised an eyebrow. "For an entire year? Was he hiding from you or something?"
"No, nothing like that," Albus shook his head. "He just really didn't want the job."
"Did it ever occur to you ask someone else?" the Potions Professor asked pointedly.
Albus thought for a moment. "Well, I had heard that Alastor is retiring at the end of this year-"
Severus glowered at him. "I was talking about me."
"Oh," Albus said, momentarily taken aback. "Well, no then, no it didn't."
"Why do you think I keep applying?" Severus growled in frustration.
"Tradition?" Albus offered.
Severus looked pained. "I didn't think it was possible, but I think that your taste in Defense Professors is actually getting WORSE. Next thing you know, you'll be hiring a bloody Marauder." He laughed at the thought.
Albus sat there, trying not to look suspicious or guilty. And failing miserably, if Severus's sudden look was anything to go by.
"You don't plan to hire a Marauder, do you?" Severus asked in a low, dangerous voice.
"Lockhart wasn't that bad," Albus quickly addressed Severus's earlier statement so as to avoid the question.
"He's in the Janus Thickey Ward of St. Mungo's!" Severus exclaimed.
Albus waved a hand dismissively. "Accidents happen. He's the third teacher to end up there."
"Did the other teachers attempt to Obliviate two second-years and leave a first-year to die a horrible painful death at the hands of a manifestation of the Dark Lord first?" Severus challenged.
"Well, no," Albus admitted. "The first one made the mistake of visiting Hagrid when he was drunk and ended up on the wrong end of that pink umbrella he carries around and the second made one too many unwanted advance towards Minerva."
Severus waited expectantly but it appeared that that was all Albus was going to say. "Well?"
"You don't want to know."
Severus winced. "Even if you ignore the somewhat sketchy events pertaining to the Chamber of Secrets, there remains the fact that he's practically a Squib and-"
"Severus, please, there's no need to be so judgmental," Albus corrected him.
Sighing theatrically, Severus amended, "I'm not saying anything against Squibs, but perhaps they would be better suited NOT teaching subjects that rely heavily on wand usage. The only spell we know that he was proficient in was Obliviate and look where that got him."
"It almost wouldn't be so bad if he had only taught the children that spell," Albus mused. "Still, I suppose that would seem too suspicious."
"While I disagree that it would be a good thing for a castle-full of teenagers to all suddenly be able to erase each others' memories," Severus said, no doubt envisioning several scenarios that would inevitably occur if the Obliviate spell became widespread. "I have to point out that of course he didn't teach them anything: he was too busy trying to indoctrinate them into the Cult of Lockhart. Boys, girls, the man is not picky. He just wants universal adoration and didn't seem to realize that he couldn't possibly get the students to purchase more of his books because all of them possessed a full set already thanks to the power he had over the curriculum."
"Yes, well, perhaps Lockhart was a tad bit overly concerned with his fame, but that really couldn't be helped. I simply had no time to impress upon him the importance of being a teacher in between all of his tutoring of the other professors-" At this Severus shuddered, but Albus continued on, "his petitioning for the formation of a dueling club, the attacks, Hagrid getting arrested, and my getting suspended."
"Maybe this can be a lesson in 'paying more attention to your DADA Professor of the year'?" Severus suggested.
"Maybe I can do that by Harry's fifth year," Albus said dubiously. "I've got far too much to do in the meantime."
Severus groaned at yet more proof that the Headmaster was running the school according to Harry Potter's special needs. "Next year is the Triwizard Tournament so I can understand that, but what about this year?"
"Sirius Black just escaped from Azkaban about an hour ago," Albus informed Severus tentatively, awaiting the inevitable explosion.
"WHAT?!?!" Severus screeched.
- -
Three hours later, it was time for the next interview and Severus had not yet calmed down. "Of course he would pull something like this. He's a bloody psychopath! Remember when he tried to kill me because I was annoying him? When he was sixteen? He was always going to go dark and now he's up and escaped Azkaban-YOU!"
Albus – who had been examining a magazine of Muggle knitting patterns – looked up at Severus's strange greeting. Ah, Remus had arrived.
"Severus," Remus said neutrally. It really was fortunate that the most diplomatic of the Marauders was the only one to remain, Albus reflected. Particularly when Severus was on the staff and still holding grudges.
"What are you doing here, Lupin?" Severus spat.
"I've come to apply for a job," Remus said, looking as if he thought that were very obvious and Severus really should have worked that one out on his own. That was true, but in the man's defense, he had yet to recover from the shock of hearing that the person he hated more than anyone else had just done the impossible and was on the lose and probably going to attempt to kill Harry.
Gaping wordlessly, Severus turned to Albus. "You…Black JUST escaped and you thought it was a good idea to hire his werewolf accomplice?"
"Sirius escaped?" Remus asked, looking startled.
After shooting Severus a dirty look, Albus sighed heavily and attempted to reassure Remus. He hadn't wanted him to know until after he signed the contract. "Yes, it's true. Sirius Black escaped Azkaban four hours ago."
"I can understand if my being employed at Hogwarts will compromise-" Remus began self-deprecatingly while looking longingly at the door.
"NO!" Albus all but shouted. He cleared his throat. "Don't you see? Now we need you more than ever to protect Harry. Surely you wouldn't walk away and leave a young, innocent thirteen-year-old boy who also happens to be all that you have left of two of your closest friends to Black's mercy?" he asked innocently.
"I guess not," Remus agreed grudgingly.
"What are your qualifications for teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Albus continued smoothly.
"There are qualifications?" Remus asked bemused. "In that case, I don't know what I'm doing here as I have absolutely none."
"Surely you must have some-" Albus began.
"Nope, none."
"Well there you go, Headmaster. Even Lupin thinks this is a bad idea. Although that never seemed to stop him back when we were in school-"
"It was we graduated over fifteen years ago, Severus, let it go," Remus snapped.
"Never!" Severus vowed.
"What about at Hogwarts?" Albus suggested. "You were a prefect for three years and graduated at the top of your class."
"That was such a long time ago; I've probably forgotten everything," Remus said miserably.
"I'm sure that's not true," Albus reassured him, pointedly ignoring Severus's suspicious coughing fit. It was almost as if he were saying 'yes it is'… "You've always been very driven and I have no doubt that you can catch up on whatever you need to in the next month before school starts and that you'll be a great success. Especially, as Severus delights in reminding me, in light of my last two DADA teachers."
"I don't know, Headmaster," Remus said doubtfully. "I'm still not sure that I even want the job."
"What about Harry?" Albus pulled the almost-godson card.
"I'm sure you can provide more than adequate protection for him," Remus replied.
"Don't you want a chance to meet him?"
Remus wavered for a moment but then shook his head. "I think the memories would be too much for me, especially this year, with Sirius on the loose."
"Severus has promised to brew Wolfsbane Potion for you every month," Albus tried again, beginning to get desperate.
"You have?" Remus looked curiously at Severus, who glowered back. "Well…since this is last minute and I'm sure you don't have time to go and find someone else…I guess I'll do it."
Albus grinned broadly. "Excellent. I'll have one of the House Elves show you to your quarters."
Before he could open his mouth, Severus, who had been standing frozen in horror, snapped out of it and stormed towards the door. "We are no longer speaking," he informed Albus dramatically.
That went well.
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