I'm not sure "Thank You" really covers just how grateful I am for all of your amazing reviews. I really feel over whelmed by your response and am so glad you are enjoying this story as much as I am writing it.
I want to apologise for the wait but my laptop gave up and died on me and stupidly I didn't back up my copy of this chapter or the 1st drafts of the next two so it meant starting all over. I've knocked this up in the day since I have got my laptop back so I really do apologise if you find this chapter lacking, but i promise the next one will be better and not so rushed.
This chapter in it's original version was long, a lot longer than this one but I decided before writing this version that I would split it in to two as I wanted to get it out to you asap. This first part is based in Seattle and concentrates on Meredith.
As always I don't own anything, I only wish I did...
Chapter 3
The Cure
Meredith allowed her head to drop back, resting against the wall behind her as the crowded elevator made its slow way up to the surgical floor. With her eyes closed she tried her best to pretend she was anywhere other than here, it rarely worked, and today was not the exception . It seemed a life time ago that she had actually enjoyed these few minutes, looked forward to them, thought of them as a time of solace. Then every chance to take an elevator that had come her way she had snatched at it almost like a child, yet that was before ever having experienced riding an elevator in Seattle.
Here in Seattle the very moment she stepped through the sliding doors she felt loss weigh heavy on her shoulders. A loss so intense her mind would play tricks on her as if to compensate. Every time no matter her reason for being in one it was as if she could hear Derek's voice, feel him and Mark beside her. The sound so real her lips twitched, ready, wanting to smile at what was bound to follow. A well played out argument between him and Mark that they had been having for what seemed like forever. An argument that flared up without fail every few weeks, it started the same way each time from the moment Mark would insist that there was something kinky in their fascination with elevators. Derek then would jump to their defence, call him a pervert, and argue that when there was something to be said, the best and only place to do it was on an elevator. That for those few minutes the other person had no choice but to listen to you. Mark would laugh a wicked gleam in his eye as he described as to what he thought an elevator was good for.
However the instant she started to believe and enjoy the warmth and security of their company, reality would hit hard and fast. Her eyes would shoot open, going from side to side searching for them. Disappointment caused her heart to sink every time as they were never there, because none of it was real,there was no banter, no smiles. All she had was just her, a lonely her wishing the minutes away and feeling completely alone without them. It was the same experience every time she came in sight of a ferry boat, but from those she didn't want and doubted she could stay away. Pre Seattle it had been something her and Derek had shared, and that little last connection she couldn't bear to sacrifice.
Derek had evoked her fascination with them, passing his love, and delight in them onto her at a young age and it had never waned. When they were too young to go unaccompanied down to the docks Christopher had always come along with them. However over the years it had became private, to share with just each other, somewhere where only they existed. Side by side, rain or shine, either riding them or instead sat at the docks they would spend hours there together. More often than not in silence, content to just be together, no need for words or anyone else.
After Christopher's funeral when the whole family had began to fear they were losing Derek too she had dragged him down to there. Huddled next to her, closed off within himself, his blue eyes usually so vibrant had stared blindly out towards the water. She had known him well enough to just wait. Not to poke or prod but to just be there for when he was ready and it had worked, but only after hours of silence.
When Derek had at last spoke, his voice had been rough, scratchy from lack of use. He had even tried to smile, but it had seemed so hollow,and empty that she had done the one thing she could and wrapped her arms around him. The moment he was held against her she had felt his muscles relax, as if what ever had been holding him together had suddenly just snapped. With his face buried in the crook of her neck, he had hid the tears she had known were making paths down his cheeks. That night for the first time they had cried together, his strong arms had come around her, and they had clung together as if they were the last two people left in the world.
They had lifted their heads at the same time, Derek studying her face with concern before gently brushing the last traces of her tears away. The blue eyes that haunted her every waking moment currently, had then burned in to her as they'd pleaded with her for answers. She had been unable to do anything, but wipe away his tears as he had hers, and reassure in a whisper that she was there. His reply had been to kiss her forehead, before finally starting for the first time in weeks to talk.
In his broken voice he had explained how he couldn't imagine ever feeling any different. How he didn't know how to live in a world without his father, that he couldn't fathom how his life was meant to work now he was gone. She had felt that too in those dark weeks, Christopher had been everything to her, and right now it was as if she was in some way back there. Trying her best to live without Derek in the same way they had stumbled along without Christopher. The only difference back then was that they had done it together, it was just her now. Lately she had gotten in to the habit after a shift of following her instincts down to the docks here. To find a little peace when it became impossible to grasp her thoughts, when the ache that leaving them became too much to live with. The absence of Derek she felt everywhere , even within herself, but at the docks it was that little easier to bear. She could breath, think and she shared it with no one because he wasn't here to share it with.
Last night after spending an hour on the phone between two of his sisters she had found herself there. It was becoming too painful to listen to how much Derek was missing her, how different his behaviour was without her. Nancy as Claire's closest friend in the family had told it more from her view. How much of a strain it must be for Claire with Derek acting like this. Beth less concerned about her sister in law was simply worried about her brother. She had listened quietly as Beth had described the many ways they had all tried to bring him out if his mood. Hearing about his reaction to that had caused Meredith to explain that Derek wouldn't appreciate them, no matter the obvious kindness that laid behind it. Her answer had lead Beth to demand when she herself would be home for a visit, stating that when he was like this she had always been the one to get the best out of him. Nancy had asked the same question and like with Beth Meredith had had no answer for her. She had recognised a lucky escape when the two sisters had took her excuses about her shifts at face value and let the subject drop. However she had found it near impossible to let go of what they said about Derek.
Though it was little more than confirmation of what he had told her himself the last time they had spoke it was still almost too painful to hear. She had known he would find it difficult, and prepared for it by part bribing and demanding Mark to keep him company, to just be there for him even when Derek didn't know he needed it. Her aim had been to stop him spending too much time alone, drifting from the people who loved him as he disappeared inside of himself. She had watched him do the same too many times to believe he might handle it differently especially after his reaction in those two weeks before she had left. Yet it was obviously not working and though she had been ready to live like this, Derek doing the same was never what she had wanted. Despite everything that she felt, nothing changed the fact that he was her best friend. A best friend who would never purposefully harm her, and that she had hurt him ate away at her very insides. On top of everything it only added to the over all sense of home sickness she was feeling. It went far beyond what she had thought it was possible for one person to feel. There was no easing in its intensity, every day felt like the first day she had got off the plane, and stepped a foot on Seattle soil for the first time in over twenty years.
Sometimes Meredith was sure it wasn't helped by living in a house that she had last shared with her mother and father, a house that had never been a home to her. There were no real memories from when she had lived there, apart from flickers of images, heated words, anger, pain, of parent's she had never really known. It was the last place she had seen her father, a father who had walked out of her life, and never seemed to look back. Then there was her mother, a woman that had been more interested in her career than she had her own child. Who had happily passed her over to the Shepherds, not seeming to mind how many days would past between seeing her daughter. Whilst she had still been young Caroline had pretended Ellis had called at least two times a day but even then she had understood her own mother enough to know that wasn't true. Now looking back Meredith knew that was the best thing her mother could have ever done for her.
Caroline Shepherd was essentially her Mom in the same way Christopher had been the only Dad she would need. As the house here in Seattle like her mothers in New York had never been a home, the Shepherd house in New York had from the moment Derek had lead her in by the hand. It never seemed to be quiet, even when no one had been home, echoing with years of love and laughter. Every time Meredith stepped over the threshold without fail warmth flowed through her, love and acceptance wrapping around her like a security blanket. It was the lack of all of that, that was the reason she had found herself with two room mates. Izzie and George drove her crazy at times, had left no part of the house unturned, but what they did do was stop the house being quiet. Stopped her feeling so alone, the feeling she knew Derek had tried to protect her from. Along with Christina and Alex her other two fellow interns, George and Izzie were friends she had never expected to find. They were different, but somehow they fit together, and meeting them was almost as if finding another family. It wasn't the same one she had grown up with, but they were important, and becoming more so by the day.
However right now Meredith had found not even their company could help because she was home sick. Homesick for the sounds and smells of Manhattan. Of the Saturday morning ferry boat rides with Derek. The hustle and bustle of the coffee shop Mark always took her too after a night spent in his company with their old friend Tequila. For Caroline's home cooking, and gentle company. The monthly shopping trips Nancy would drag her along on, simply for everything that she had left behind. Mostly though, she was homesick for Derek. For the comfort of their friendship, for him, for everything they once were and right now stuck in this elevator she knew she would give anything to have him there with her just for a few moments to be at peace. To forget the guilt and misery of being in love with him and just have her best friend back.
The jolt of the elevator reaching the surgical floor brought her head up, her mind from Derek for that moment as relief flooded through her, as she became tense with impatience to leave the cart. However she had barely taken three steps up the hallway when for the fourth day running Meredith found a cup of steaming hot coffee being pushed into her fingers. It always seemed to happen right when she felt she needed it most. Yesterday it was as she emerged from the scrub room after a craniotomy. The day before as she filled out charts in the basement laid out on an unused gurney fighting to keep her eyes open. The unusual occurrence about today was that it was the first time her benefactor had stuck around long enough for her to acknowledge the gesture in any way other than a bemused look.
"What is this?"
Meredith demanded gesturing with her free hand between the polystyrene cup and the man stood in front of her. Apart from his daily deliveries of coffee she was sure Michael had otherwise tried to avoid her. As if he realised lingering would mean she would have already put a stop to this and his instinct had been right. There was only one thing that spread faster through the hospital than disease and that was gossip. Gossip she refused to become a part of, so far he had been clever in when and where he approached her but the gossip wasn't the only reason this all had to stop.
When Michael smiled at her, exactly the way he was now she felt an attraction that no one but Derek had ever come close to evoking from her. The times when he wasn't avoiding her he made her smile, laugh and gave her faith that she could move on. However he also scared her, the possibility of what he could mean to her terrified her already shattered heart. Meredith knew full well she needed to move on, that continuing to love Derek in this way was not an option but that didn't make any of this any easier.
"Coffee. Good coffee. Excellent coffee in fact."
Michael murmured a teasing grin flirting around his lips as he drank a long sip from the identical cup he was holding. His large brown eyes glowing with humour, humour so contagious that despite her confusion Meredith found it increasingly hard to keep the smile off her face.
"You should try some."
"Why?"
"Why? Well as I said its great coffee, not the cheap stuff either, and you are an intern I assume you need it..."
"No why do you keep doing this, why are you bringing me coffee...? We're not friends, I'm not working with you on a case so why?"
"Would my coffee be more acceptable if we were friends because we could be friends, I'm a great friend... And I think you might need that."
"I have friends."
Meredith protested glancing fugitively around to make sure no one was paying them any extra attention. From the first shift here she had noticed a problem she had never foreseen when applying for the internship program, and that was the legacy of her mother. Everyday she walked in her footsteps, leaving Meredith with the constant need to prove that she deserved to be here. She wanted them to see she was not here on a free ride, living off her mothers reputation, that she could be great too.
"You do, but neither Yang, Stevens, Karev or O'Malley are from the east coast, I am. You're homesick, I get that and I could help. We could be friends?"
As he spoke Meredith found herself staring into the ever changing brown eyes, and this time saw hope and understanding. Hope she knew she shouldn't be allowing him to feel, because it was not something she could offer. That it was better for him to turn around, walk away now before he got hurt too.
"Meredith.."
Michael prompted using her first name for the first time, finding unexpected pleasure in the simple act. There was no response, she seemed lost within her own thoughts until he reached out a hand, closing the distance between them. Electric shocks running through his body as he felt her soft silky skin beneath his. His thumb rubbed in circles on her free hand until she brought the stormy green eyes back up to meet his.
"You want more. You don't just want to be just friends, and friends who want more it hurts, it hurts a lot, and it affects everyone, and I don't...I can't do that it's ...."
Michael watched the intensity burn in her eyes and knew what he said next mattered. This wasn't flirting, it wasn't a game of chase it was real for him, and in the sentence Meredith hadn't been able to finish she had opened herself up in any way to him for the first time. It gave his first brief insight in to what might be going on inside of her.
"I do want more. I can't and won't pretend I don't, but I could be your friend Meredith. We could be friends, and I would be happy with being friends... The rest, well we can work on that in time."
There was that look again, the look he had first seen the night of the mixer and last week outside the bar. There was someone, or had been he was sure of it, and it was them that had caused that look, that made her so guarded. Whatever had happened was making her keep her distance when he was sure she liked him. He wasn't blind, he sensed her attraction, but there was definitely something or someone holding her back.
"We cant, I cant, it wouldn't be fair ."
She murmured drawing her hand away from the touch. Without Derek there was this great big empty hole inside of her and having Michael stood in front of her scared her. He was offering the chance of everything she wanted but would never have from Derek and she didn't know how to deal with it.
"Are you married?"
Michael questioned suddenly scared of a possibility he had never before considered. There was no ring he knew because it was one of the first things he had looked for but that wasn't to mean there was no husband.
"No."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"No."
"A girlfriend?"
He added cheekily, the humour in his voice belying the immense relief he was feeling after her first two negative answers. He had found since first speaking to her that it was something he needed to do, not just to make her relax but also to protect himself. All too often after a moment with her it felt as if he could lose himself in her. Never before had a woman evoked such an interest from him or awoke a protective instinct he hadn't known till meeting Meredith Grey that he possessed.
"No."
"Then there is always a chance..."
"You don't give up."
"I think your worth it."
"But you don't know me."
"I want to."
Michael insisted and it wasn't a line it was the truth. He wanted to know everything about her . From where she grew up, if she had any siblings, what she was like at school, he wanted to know her. So far he had only learnt what little he could get from her friends or hear around the hospital without rousing suspicion. The fact her mother was Ellis Grey was common knowledge and he had found a few of the older nurses remembered her as a small child. Their tales of a little girl who had carried an Anatomy Jane doll everywhere had caused him to have to constantly remove the wide smile from his face, but he still craved more, more he wanted to hear from her.
"I..."
"Give me a chance, meet me at Joe's after your shift."
Not giving her a chance to answer as they came into sight of the locker room Michael lent forward, keeping his voice low as his breath brushed across her skin.
"Think it over whilst you drink your coffee Dr Grey."
Michael was gone before Meredith could think of a retort and something told her that was his very clever way of avoiding a direct no from her exactly the tactic he had put into practise where the coffee had been considered.
"I see you've been coffeeed again?"
Was the greeting that met her as she stepped into the intern locker room. Luckily her welcome party consisted only of Christina. Christina who was fast becoming the closest female friend Meredith had ever had outside of females born with the name Shepherd. The friendship she had shared with Derek and Mark had never left much room or need for anyone other friends until now, and Christina Yang was different to anyone she had ever met before. As intense as she was complicated they were in themselves opposites but some how they fit. Fit in the same way her and Derek did but Meredith was under no illusions that those two would ever have more in common than surgery and her.
"He wants to get to know me.."
"Ah how sweet Dr McSexy wants to heal your secret pain."
"I don't have any secret pain, and McSexy really?"
Meredith's look of disgust as she opened her locker bounced right off Christina as she matched it with a triumphant smile of her own.
"Sure you do, being in love with your married best friend does that, and unless unrequited love makes you blind McSexy definitely fits."
"I......"
Meredith frowned cursing the last shot of tequila and game of whose life sucks the most that had made her spill her guts to Christina about Derek after their first shift. She had had no memory of the confession the next morning but Christina certainly had.
"So who's hotter, McMarried or McSexy?"
"Christina."
"I'm curious?"
"Not helping."
"Fine... Are you going to drink that or just stand there staring at it?"
"Does it mean something if I do... I mean today, because the others don't count right?"
"It's coffee Mer."
"Right and I'm an intern, interns love coffee, I love coffee so I should drink it..."
"And McSexy?"
Meredith stopped with the cup half way to her lips, before holding it out towards Christina.
"Take it, I can't , him or his coffee."
"Well I can and you could, you probably even should... That is unless you plan on spilling all your dark secrets in one of those sappy voice mails."
"Funny."
"Look he's single, he's hot and you , you need sex! Go for it, or one day you'll be laid in bed crying over awkward sex with Bambi! If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me... Save me the misery of having to listen to that!"
"He's not..."
Meredith started only for Christina to cut her off as she shrugged on her scrub top
"Married? The man who you've been friends with your whole life? Seriously Mer stop moping over what you can't have and go play with what you can."
With Meredith's coffee in hand Christina left the locker room leaving Meredith to drop onto the bench knowing that Christina was right. Staring in to her open locker, past the mess her gaze found her one indulgence. The only photo of Derek not still in the big box packed away at the bottom of her wardrobe.
It was of three of them, the men at each side of her were smiling, wide happy smiles and the pride was clear in both their eyes as she stood in the middle in her cap and gown having just graduated from Dartmouth. As she her gaze skimmed fondly over Mark to settle on Derek she remembered the relief she had felt that morning when Derek had apologised for Claire not being able to attend the ceremony. The Shepherds and Mark had left straight after the ceremony leaving her and Derek to celebrate together. She had already known then that in a few short weeks she would be leaving for Seattle and had treasured every moment with him, knowing once he found out she was leaving it would all change. They had ended the night by crashing out on her bed, side by side Derek falling asleep the moment his head hit the pillow where as she had spent most of the night watching him and wishing she didn't feel the way she did. Now looking at the photo she couldn't help but wonder maybe if she had met Michael then, they might have avoided all of this heartache. Yet a little voice in her head whispered that falling in love with Derek was something that was always going to happen whether she liked it or not.
What was hard now was that she was so used to talking everything over with him it was hard to open up to anyone else. Ever since her first real kiss at the age of thirteen she had gone to Derek with all matters concerning the opposite sex. Never had she experienced the long girlie conversations about boys apart from what she had heard from the girls growing up instead she had gained her perspective of guys straight from Derek or Mark. Mark was always the better choice when she knew Derek wouldn't approve of someone, but she knew Michael was someone Derek would like. Only one time had she not turned to either of them and that was when she had realised it was Derek, he was the reason no relationship ever lasted because no one had been able to live up to the standard he had set.
The need to talk to someone from what would forever be home to her caused Meredith to reach in to her bag for her cell and just for a instant instinct took over as she reached for his speed dial key. Instead she dialled the familiar New York number she called every single night without fail.
"Hi Mom..."
Meredith tried her best to sound normal, as if calling at six thirty in the morning was nothing out of the ordinary.
"Meredith,"
Caroline's voice though filled with surprise was underlined as always with love, a love Meredith never once took for granted. She had never heard it in her own mothers voice where as Caroline offered it so freely. It sounded throughout every letter of her name and Meredith found the knots of tension unravelling as its warmth slowly seeped into her.
"It's early I know it's early but I miss... I miss everything, I'm homesick!"
"It is never too early to call,"
Caroline said and Meredith knew she meant it. ;
"Mer what's wrong?"
"I haven't called Derek, not since last week and I cant.... He's hurting and I don't want him too, I hate that he is... So I leave a voice mail every night and so does he, but there's a guy and Derek's who I talk to about guys and..."
"There's a guy?"
Caroline interrupted now very much shocked. Being woken up by one of the children was nothing new especially when all of them worked within medical field, but hearing Meredith talk about a man was .
Unlike her other daughters Meredith had never come to her, to ask for advice about any problems she might be having with boys. She had offered on numerous occasions, but Meredith with a smile would tell her Derek would know what to do. None of his sisters had chosen to confide in him but with Meredith it had always seemed the most natural thing in the world to. The times when he hadn't had the answers or had disagreed with her choice she had turned to Mark showing them all a side to Mark Sloan they had never known existed. Mark who showed no concern for the feelings of any other female took the utmost care of Meredith's. The girls would often joke that Mark had made it his mission to shield Meredith from the attention of anyone too much like himself, a joke that always caused a blush to stain his ruggedly handsome face.
"He's a doctor here, third year resident and he seems a lot of thing, all good but he's not... I think, I think I could like him that I might like him, but I think I could hurt him too and I'm hurting now and... I don't know if I can, he's just not..."
Meredith's ramble came to a halt and Caroline had to stop herself from finishing for her. From saying that what this man wasn't or rather who he wasn't for Meredith was Derek. However Meredith needed to move on, and Caroline wanted that for her too. She wanted to be able to look in to the green eyes and not see the mixture of guilt and misery every time they rested on Derek and Claire together.
Pushing herself up on the pillows Caroline glanced over to the side of her, a habit she had never quite gotten out of, looking automatically for Christopher. The sharp pain that he never would be beside her again hitting harder now as she found herself wondering what he would say if he was here, what he would have been thinking.
When they were growing up he had used to joke Derek would one day make Meredith a Shepherd by name. That their son would never meet a girl more perfect for him than Meredith, no one would ever understand him, seeming to know exactly what he needed from her how she did. Christopher had also been strong in the opinion that Meredith needed Derek just as much. The optimism, the belief in life and in the good that was an integral part of who their son was to bring light in to Meredith's sometimes rather dark world. A dark world that Caroline was sure the both Meredith and Derek were sharing in now. However never once over the last few weeks had she really described to Meredith just what her absence was doing to Derek. Her daughters had in detail and she had tried to dissuade them from it. Simply because she understood Meredith was suffering just the same and possibly more so.
"Why don't you come home this weekend, clear your head, you'll feel better after a few days..."
Meredith swore silently knowing Caroline knew that she had the whole weekend off, her first real time off from the hospital since she had started and there was no way out but to lie.
"I can't... My shifts have changed, I won't be able to get away."
"Oh... How about Thanksgiving, its only a few weeks away?"
There had been so much disappointment in her voice when she said she wouldn't be home at the weekend that Meredith spoke before she had really thought through what she was going to say.
"Christmas. I'll be home then."
Christmas was an important time to the Shepherd's, a holiday based around families and that fitted them down to the ground. For her however that meant changing all the the plans she had made, she was meant to stay away until she could look into the blue eyes and not see a whole future for herself there. A future that was not hers to have, that belonged to his wife. Yet now she had promised Caroline that she would be there and she couldn't break a promise to a woman who had brought her up, without asking anything in return.
"Oh Mer that will be lovely. The house is so quiet without you banging around, I miss you running in and out all the time."
There was so much pleasure in her voice that Meredith knew she would not back out, she would be getting on the plane no matter her own hesitations. Last year was still very clear in her mind, a holiday she had spent doing her best to avoid spending too much time in the same room as Derek and Claire.
When Derek had come to her room before dawn on Christmas morning the same way they had spent Christmas morning since her first Christmas as a part of their family, it had been hard to hide her own feelings. How from the moment he had climbed in to bed with her she had spent every second reminding herself over and over that he wasn't hers to have. That for Derek this was a tradition, climbing in to bed with her was nothing more than recapturing and keeping a little piece of their childhood. She was his Meredith and she was certain unlike her he wasn't finding it difficult to breathe every time his skin touched hers.
"Me too, it's harder than I thought, all of it is..."
"Meredith call Derek. I know it's hard, but you need him, you always have, and believe me he needs you! You even him out, and he well he ..."
"He makes me talk Mom, and right now he has all these question, questions I can't answer... I can't talk to him."
"Because you might tell him you love him, that you're in love with him..."
In the heartbeats of silence that followed Caroline wished she could snatch the words right back, and the feeling only intensified when Meredith spoke only one word.
"Mom..?"
There was no denial just that one word yet that one word was filled with so much vulnerability that Meredith didn't need to say more as she hurriedly tried to reassure her.
"It's okay Meredith, it doesn't change anything, "
"It does, you know, how do you know?"
"Oh Meredith it's my job to know these things about my children, and my love you are a terrible liar you always have been."
"The others?"
Meredith demanded imagining all of them sitting down talking about it, discussing when they should or how to tell Derek over dinner.
"No they don't know, I think they are so used to the two of you that the thought would never occur to them now."
"Now?"
"Well we all did wonder if it might happen after Christopher passed, I know Beth and Sophie were sure of it but..."
"Are you mad?"
Meredith asked and Caroline wished more than anything that she could wrap her arms around her. It reminded her of a much younger Meredith, who had expected them to leave her , to not want her, to be how her own mother was every time she felt she didn't match up to what she thought they expected.
"No how could I be?"
"Because it's Derek, he's married and ..."
"You two have spent most of your life closer than any two other people I have known, grown up together, supporting each other every step, and maybe it was bound to happen with that much time together. You have done nothing wrong Meredith, you can't help the way you feel, and more than anything I admire you, I admire your strength to walk away, but don't you think if Derek had some idea of what was going on he would understand better. "
Caroline said with so much sincerity in her voice that there was no way Meredith could doubt that was what Caroline really felt but all of that was forgotten with her suggestion to tell Derek.
"No! He would feel awkward, he would say things, the right things but we would never be the same again and I can't lose him forever!"
"Oh Mer that wouldn't happen?"
"It would, I know it... Mom I'll get over this, it will go away and we'll be us again, just Meredith and Derek with no mushy feely crap ."
Caroline knew there was no arguing with her, telling Derek anything had to be her decision and hers alone. Though she did have her own doubts about Meredith's feelings going away. They were strong enough to drive away and she guessed they were the type to last a lifetime.
"Okay. Now this man what's his name?"
"Michael,"
"Could Michael make you happy? Does he make you smile?"
"He could, maybe and he does when I let him..."
"Would I like him?"
"He reminds me a little of the boys... He's a good guy, I know it without really knowing him but I'm messy Mom, I always have been, but right now I'm a little broke too I don't want to hurt anyone else."
"You deserve happiness Mer, you do and if there's a chance for it you should take it, just be careful."
"Thank you."
"You never need to thank me."
"I love you."
Meredith said and Caroline found herself smiling as she returned the sentiment. Meredith wasn't one to say it often but every time she did Caroline knew it came right from the heart. It wasn't that she was cold in any way, only that she was guarded especially at times like now when she was feeling emotionally vulnerable.
"I love you too. Now have a good day and call me tonight."
Meredith closed the phone still in a slight state of shock at Caroline revelation, however it explained a lot from the past two months in Caroline's behaviour and her own reluctance to delve deeper into the meaning behind it.
"Grey!"
The booming voice that belied the sight of her small resident stood in the now open doorway had her jumping to her feet, reaching for her scrubs as she tried to push Derek to the back of her mind.
A few hours later stood in line at the cafeteria Meredith tried to keep her gaze staring straight ahead rather than turning to the man continuously whispering at her shoulder as he had been doing for the past six hours. Every time she had turned around this morning Michael had been near, some of it was to be expected as she had been placed on a case with him, but like now he was definitely not talking about the case. Worse Meredith could feel her friends watching them from their table in the corner, Christina's intense brown eyes more than the rest filled with keen interest.
"Don't ignore me."
The voice hissed growing in volume and Meredith fought to keep her face blank from any emotion as the two nurses in front stopped in the act of paying for their lunch to turn around, looking for the source of the voice. She waited, counting the seconds for them to turn back before speaking, knowing that if she kept quiet much longer Michael would only open his mouth again.
"Why not?"
It wasn't what she had planned to say, but Meredith found it impossible to resist playing along and could hear the answering smile in his voice.
"Because I am trying to be friendly, and you Dr Grey are missing all my best efforts."
There was no holding in the giggle any longer so Meredith gave up trying. He sounded like a petulant child rather than a full grown man let alone a surgeon. It was a voice, a tactic both Derek and Mark had used in the past to take advantage of her. That Michael reminded her of the two previous constant companions in her life had previously never occurred to her before Caroline had asked about him. It caused her giggle to die abruptly as her mind ran over the possibility that that was part of the attraction she had been trying so hard to deny.
"I should go."
"You can't, you haven't paid."
Michaels voice didn't rise but there was a new pressure on her hand and looking down Meredith saw the much larger fingers wrapped around her wrist. The hold however was gentle as all playfulness left the brown eyes that were watching her so intently.
"Please don't run away,"
"I have to go."
"I'll shut up."
"Can you do that?"
"I can try,"
He nodded looking genuinely thoughtful and Meredith's heart lightened ever so slightly as did her expression.
"I'll stay."
"I like you."
"I thought you were shutting up?"
"Actually I said I would try."
"Not hard enough."
"Will you eat lunch with me?"
"No."
"You could at least pretend to think about it. I'm a little hurt."
Michael tried to give her his best hurt look but Meredith had already turned back around but she was still there, she hadn't run and that was all that mattered. This morning he had made her the focus of his attention but despite what she may think he had been careful not to draw others attention to them. He had just wanted to see her smile, to see her relax, to chase away the torment that had been in her eyes when she had tried to dissuade him from her. Meredith was scared he could see that now, scared of getting too close and he wanted her to know that she could trust him.
"Meredith."
"Hmm?"
"Will you come to Joe's tonight?"
Again Meredith turned to look at him and simply stared into his eyes for a few moments, both Caroline's and Christina's voices doing battle and in this moment winning against her own doubts.
"I don't know!"
"Well that's an improvement, if you carry on making them through out the afternoon I'll be at Joe's, there will be a drink waiting."
"Okay ,"
She murmured just as she reached the cashier , but before she could walk to the table her friends were waiting at Michael spoke again
"Enjoy your lunch Dr Grey, "
Stood outside of Joe's Meredith paced the perimeter of the parking lot for a full fifteen minutes before she could decide for sure whether to go in or not. For the whole time since lunch an argument had been raging inside of her head. An argument that she still had no idea which side she was on. All she did know was that if she took this step there was no going back. Michael deserved more than that. Walking in to Joe's tonight meant that she was doing this, going for the happiness Caroline had told her she deserved. She was moving on, she was giving him the chance to fix her, to give her her best friend back. The other voice would argue that she had been down this road before, used men to try and erase the image of Derek from her heart and it hadn't worked, failing miserably every time and something told her Michael was a lot more invested in her than the men that had come before him.
"Are you going to come in or shall I bring a drink out for you?"
The voice from the doorway brought her spinning around, a guilty flush staining her cheeks ever so slightly as knowing brown eyes looked her over from head to toe.
"I still haven't decided."
"Do you need some help deciding because I can be very persuasive."
He slowly walked towards her till they were stood side by side.
"Give me a chance. That's all I'm asking for."
"I'm broken."
She said abruptly but to her surprise he didn't even blink. He nodded as he reached across and placed his hand over hers, his fingers linking with hers.
"I know, I can wait, I just need the chance to do that."
So consider this a moment Just come with your heart and leave the rest to me
That's defining who you are
And I can fix what's broken
And here's how I'll start
And I promise that we'll be and I'll be the cure
Show me where it hurts
And I know that I can be the medicine you need
Baby, I'll be your cure.
There are many parts to this chap that I would love to rewrite but that would mean waiting longer to post and I already hate that I have not updated as usual so if you can forgive those mistakes I will have the next update out within a few days... All I ask is PLEASE REVIEW!!!
