Thanks for all of the lovely reviews and alerts - I hope I'm keeping fairly within canon on this - special thanks to tiff098765 for her editing and support in getting me writing again. btw - disclaimer - nope - not my characters - just my "missing piece" :-)
Chapter 3
Castle stiffened at her words, painful memories of the last few months swirling through his mind. He tried to rein in his thoughts as his fingers reached the few wayward strands of Kate's hair that had escaped his handiwork. Tucking them gently away from her face, he choose his next words carefully, distracting himself for a moment by allowing himself to examine her private haven, noting the comfortable looking white couch, strewn with colorful pillows and bright afghan, eying the artwork and photos gracing the walls of the warmly enticing room. He turned after letting his gaze study and memorize the intricacies of the Beckett inner sanctum, looking down at her now wary expression.
"There's no need to thank me, Kate."
"Castle... Rick..."
"Kate," it was his turn to place a finger gently against her lips, as he struggled to voice his thoughts. Kate watched, as his mind swirled with what his next words should be, the past rushing at him like a bad artsy "b" movie.
The last time he had been here in her home before Montgomery's shooting had been filled with accusations and angry words, painful things that they both shouldn't have had the temerity to voice. Then before they could resolve the painful episode, Montgomery had called him; his request for a meet at the hanger brooking no refusal. Castle didn't even understand the reason or the scope of the betrayal he was witness to, until he listened in shock to the confrontation between mentor and pupil. Then Lockwood and his goons showed up, and the rest, they say, was history. He had no time to think of an alternative, nor to consider letting Kate risk her life to save his friend. Castle realized in the moments it took to bear hug Kate and drag her out of the hanger to the relative safety of his car, that there was no other choice, that even if it meant the certain death of his friend, risking Kate was not an option. It would never be an option for him, no matter what the cost, or the feelings of guilt and cowardice on his part that choice engendered.
He mentally shook himself free of the memories and deliberately forced a change in subject. "It's been a long night... you haven't even eaten yet. Ready for dinner?"
Kate searched his face, concern for him furrowing her forehead. She had watched him visibly stiffen, felt his walls go up, as certainly as hers had significantly fallen through the events of the past few hours. Confused at the change in his demeanor, she followed his lead, wanting to lighten up the oppressive feeling that had begun to creep in on them. "Uhm... sure... I think we can put together some sandwiches and soup?" She carefully untangled herself from him and rose slowly from the bed. "Coming?"
Insisting that she sit and relax, Castle prepared their meal in relative silence. Kate watched him move from fridge to cupboard to stove, easily finding the tools and ingredients he needed as if her kitchen were his piéd a terre. The quiet harmony continued through consumption of their delicious meal until Beckett felt it necessary to continue their earlier conversation. "A penny for them?"
"Don't think they're worth that much. Want a refill on that soup?" Castle neatly deflected her question, moving towards the pot of soup on the stove.
Exasperated, Beckett tried to move the conversation forward. "Turnabout is fair play, Castle... let it out."
"There's nothing to let out... at least not tonight"
"You wouldn't let me get away with that"
"I've let you get away with a lot – give me this one, ok?"
"That's a loaded comment." "You're talking about this summer, aren't you? You're still angry."
"Let it go, Kate"
"You have as many as I do, don't you? Maybe more."
At his quizzical stare, she forged ahead. "Scars, Castle. Maybe not the physical kind, but you have just as many emotional ones as I do... you just haven't let anyone see them, have you?"
"Kate."
"What have I done to you? What has this..." she motioned around her "arrogance and self-centeredness of mine done to you?"
Castle pushed back from the counter, picked up his bowl and ran it briefly under the water, before he placed it in the sink. He then dried his hands and forcibly tossed the towel down before he turned back towards his waiting partner, his tone and demeanor tense and angry.
"I wish you would be self-centered, Beckett, it would have solved a lot of problems." He made his way slowly to the large living room window, moving aside the drape to gaze sightlessly out at the street below. "You would have moved on past your mother's death, sad, but eventually you would have accepted it; continued with your brilliant education," he glanced back at her vocal dissent, "don't try and tell me your full ride to Stanford was a perk of your wealthy parentage," he stated bitterly, before continuing. "You would have pushed your dad into a cushy rehab center, finished your double major, graduated with honors, never having to deal with the dregs of society you trap with such unerring accuracy, never finding justice for the victims, all the while being denied it for yourself. I would never have met you of course; never shadowed you, never dug up your mother's case or caused you so much pain."
"Castle"
Ignoring the plea in her voice, he turned back towards the couch where she now sat quietly; watching her as she twisted her fingers in her lap and listened uncomfortably to his words. "I wouldn't have had to hear you beg for your life today, trying to find a way to save Travis' life, knowing that it would cost you your own, if Esposito hadn't had "the solution", he emphasized by making exaggerated quote marks with his large fingers.
"You heard that?"
"Beckett, you were on com; we all heard it; Gates, I and half the station were circled around Ryan and his desk, listening as your team swept the building, as you gave the orders... as you found him and he took you out. We heard it all." He ran his hand over his face, then wrapped his arms around himself tightly, as he recalled those tense moments, not realizing that he spoke aloud.
"I know what it feels like to be in those cross-hairs. To feel the bullet burn through my chest. I know what it feels like to have my life leave my body..."
"Oh God, Castle," Kate looked up at him; shocked, as he repeated verbatim her words to Travis.
"It was crazy, Kate" Castle settled next to her, lost in his memories. "Ryan had been going ballistic; he couldn't reach the bus driver or warn him off... then we heard your voice over the com channel, ordering the teams to the different buildings, heading up to the floor... the scuffle when he surprised you." Castle shuddered as the memories overwhelmed him. "Gates came up to Ryan's desk and the entire department started circling... and all I wanted to do was run – to get there as fast as I could and... I don't know..."
"Jump in front of another bullet for me?" Kate murmured, covering his clenched fist as it rested on his thigh with her much smaller hand.
"If that's what it took, yeah... but I couldn't reach you... there was no time. All we could do was listen as you tried to get through to him. The other teams were in chaos... we could hear everyone rushing to your location but it was obvious they weren't going to get there in time. Then Espo comes on the com and said he had the "solution"."
Castle stood up suddenly and moved away from her, unable to look her in the eye. "If there's judgment in the next life, I'll have to answer for this, but I've never been so happy or relieved that Espo was able to take that maniac out. I don't know what kind of person that makes me. What does that mean? To be joyful because someone died today and it wasn't you?"
"That you love me" Kate thought to herself sadly, as she watched Castle stand and run nervous hands through his hair. The changes between the jovial playboy who first shadowed her and the troubled man standing before her were sharply apparent. She knew for certain now that his words at the cemetery weren't off the cuff because he thought she were dying, or taken back because of his anger over her disappearance this summer. Richard Castle still loved her, even with the damned wall that still prevented her from declaring her feelings to him.
Kate made her way carefully to him, wrapping her arms around him slowly. "You're a good man, Richard Castle... today hasn't changed that. You saved those kids today. You discovered the paper doll clues. Travis was damaged beyond repair. No one could save him from himself. He chose his consequence today."
"You didn't." He whispered sadly.
"What?"
"You didn't choose your consequences... everything that happened last year. You didn't choose to reopen your mom's case... you didn't choose or determine Coonan's or Lockwood's actions... I took that out of your hands, playing hero with it as if it were some sort of 100 clue puzzle I could easily solve. I was the one who put you in the cross hairs last summer. Your reactions today. I caused all of this."
He moved them both back to the couch, sitting them down carefully and gently took her hand within his two large ones, the look in his eye tender and gentle, "I am probably the reason you've been blocking it all out." Seeing Kate's confused look, he explained, "Esposito warned me that you had compartmentalized it all; that bits and pieces would come to the surface when you were ready to handle them."
"I understand how you couldn't remember this summer... how I jumped you...tried to... Kate, if you were as self-centered as you believe, you wouldn't have brought all of that pain back up, relived it as you tried to show Travis another way... as you tried to save him. You wouldn't have let me back in... after Coonan... Lockwood...Roy... after I nearly destroyed you with my "quest."
