When Pain Doesn't Hurt

I don't own these characters, but I love them just the same.

Chapter 3

Olivia opened her eyes to see Elliot standing over her. Her whole body hurt, but she was safe. She couldn't keep her eyes on Elliot, she was ashamed. How could she let herself, a detective, get into this situation. If not for Fin showing up in the nick of time, he would have succeeded. She helps rape victims almost daily, how would she be able to continue doing that if she were a victim herself. Elliot's expression was a mixture of anger and compassion.

"No, don't do that. Don't feel sorry for me." Olivia's thoughts were being hurled at her partner through her tear filled eyes.

"Liv, did he…." Elliot couldn't even say it. He traced the quickly forming bruises on her face. Olivia couldn't stand to look him in the eye.

"No!" she was quick to answer.

Elliot didn't push. He simply held her hand and encouraged her to give in to the strong pain medication she was given. He hit her numerous times in his efforts to subdue her, to control her. He forced his mouth on hers despite her efforts to break free. He cuffed her to the door and she couldn't get away. She was so strong, yet feeling anything but now. He was going to force her and there would be nothing she could do about it. Her heart was racing and her blood pumping. She couldn't breathe.

Olivia ran her hands over her now red satin top. The pain had stopped, her breathing was steady. Harris didn't rape her, she had managed to avoid that trauma. She looked down at herself, still lied out on the operating table. She wasn't able to avoid Williams' bullet. They would've killed Elliot had she made it to the alley any later than she did. The thought made her shiver. This room was freezing. She had been on this table for quite some time now. There were so many doctors and nurses in their blue medical attire. All frantically working on her. There they were those damn alarms again. Olivia's eyes darted from her red shirt to her lifeless body on the table. "Officer down. Officer down. Officer down." she screamed into her radio.

Olivia left the operating room. She couldn't watch any longer. Elliot. She needed to go to him. He hadn't moved from the chair he was sitting in or the position he was frozen in. His head still rested in his hands while his elbows rested on his knees. He blamed himself, of course he did. She quietly sat down next to him as to not disturb him. She laid her hand on his shoulder before moving it up to rub his head. "Please don't blame yourself, El." she whispered as she stroked his hair. She leaned in close and rested her head on his shoulder. He smelled good despite being covered in her blood. She was pulled from her thoughts as he slowly rose and headed for the door to the operating room. He stood there in an attempt to be closer to her.

Elliot returned to his chair, so Olivia followed. He looked so worried and lost in his own thoughts. Fin approached and knelt before him. "She'll make it, man. You'll see. Baby girl's too tough to let a little bullet take her down."

Olivia loved Fin. He was a different bird, to say the least. His tough exterior covered his heart of gold, that only few people were privileged enough to see. She remembered him removing the cuffs from her wrists in the basement of Sealview. He knew what he had saved her from and the responsibility was great. She fell into his arms then and she wished she could now.

Olivia left Elliot's side and knelt beside Fin. She looked into Elliot's eyes as he opened them. He appeared to be looking at her, feeling her presence. His gaze shifted to Fin. "She lost too much blood, Fin. Nobody could survive that. I lost her. I failed her."

Elliot jerked his body to his feet and headed for the hospital exit doors. He had to get out of there. Her presence was too great. If he could feel her and not see her, then she must be gone. She didn't make it.

Cragen motioned for Fin to let him go. He knew a little space and air would do Elliot good. They had been waiting for nearly four hours at this point. They were all on edge. Casey sat alone where Elliot had left her. Olivia sat down next to her and draped her arm around her shoulders. Casey jumped as something startled her. She looked around at Olivia's friends and what she called her family. Nobody was given up on her.

Olivia walked outside. It was still raining. The clouds were ominous looking. The air was chilling and Olivia felt all of this. She looked down at her shirt surprised to see it back to that pretty white. It wasn't heavy enough to be out in this weather. Elliot was leaning up against the railing looking at the traffic that flew by on the highway outside the hospital. She approached him and wrapped her arms around his waist leaning her head on his back. His muscles were so tense. She took the liberty to massage them out for him. She couldn't help but sigh when her thoughts told her that she had to die to be able to touch his body.

Elliot began to cry. His sobbing rattled Olivia as she kept her face pressed to his back with her arms around his waist.

"Olivia!" Elliot screamed out loud. "Olivia!"

The rain picked up and was coming down hard now. Elliot didn't seem to notice or care. He didn't have a jacket on and his shirt was immediately soaked. Tears ran down Olivia's face as she watched him crying in the rain.

"I love you. I love you. Dammit!" Elliot fell to his knees. He was soaked. Olivia was soaked. She ran her hand through her hair to push it out of her face. It was so cold out here. Elliot wasn't shivering. He didn't seem to know he was soaking wet out in the New York cold.

He loves her. Olivia stood frozen with what her partner had just disclosed. He was scared, for her life. That's all. He had been divorced for a few years now, surely he would've let on his feelings before now. She was pulled from her thoughts by his soft words.

"Please don't die. Please, I need you. I love you." He covered his face with his hands as the rain poured down on him, on them. Olivia had loved him for so long. She could never be his lover and she respected that. Now he was admitting that he loved her. Too little too late. Why did he have to wait for her to be on death's doorstep. Why couldn't he tell her this before.

"Damn you, El. Why couldn't you see how in love with you I was. Why now, when it's too late." Olivia put her lips to Elliot's. She tasted his tears. He didn't respond to her and this hurt her. Exactly what she feared. She would never admit to him her true feelings for fear of rejection. He didn't love her, he was dealing with all the emotions that come with watching your partner go down. He may love her, but he wasn't in love with her. Not like she was him.

Olivia stood and turned to walk away from him. Her hair was soaked and her pretty white shirt was clinging to her body. "Goodbye, Elliot." Olivia headed back into the hospital. She stepped aside as Casey came running out of the double doors. Tears were streaming down her face as she quickly made her way to Elliot. Olivia didn't care.

Olivia heard Elliot, but she didn't feel him. He had accepted her death, it was time to move on.