A/n: Chapter three of what should be… a few million chaptered story…
Iruka was wondering what he had done. He'd asked team seven, eight, nine, the sand sibs and Team Gai to come and explain human reproduction to his class. Sadly, he doubted their ability to get it through to them. And he had no clue as to how they would present it…
-
Some odd music began playing and the students sat in their seats, waiting. Then Asuma assumed a position in the middle of the front of the class. Iruka was scared about what he was going to do.
Then Asuma began singing…
"The parts of a flower are so constructive that very, very often, the wind will cause pollination. If not then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation! Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write on the list. I'll try to make it crystal clear. A flowers insatiable passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery."
-
The children were scared, and Iruka was horrified. How could you not be when a usually serious guy starts singing in the middle of your classroom?
-
"Now you see just how the stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma. And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma! We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?"
Sakura, Temari, Ino and Hinata entered from stage right. And then they began singing.
"A photo-periodic reaction!"
(Asuma regained control of his song… again…)
"Oh that's good, that's very good" (Kiba moved in from the side and began acting)
"Hey, I'm lost! Where are we?"
"Chapter two!"
"Page five…
-
The students paid attention as everyone walked onto the "set". The boys stayed on the right side and the girls left for the left. Hinata was blushing and Shino was looking more freaky than usual…
-
"Reproduction!" the boys sang loudly. Then it was the girls turn.
"Reproduction!"
"Put your pollen tube to work!" TenTen sang out.
"Reproduction!" (boys)
"Reproduction!" (girls)
"Make my stamen go berserk!" Temari sang out giving the boys on the other side of the "stage" a saucy look and thrusting out her chest slightly.
"Reproduction!"
"I don't think they even know what a pistil is!" Ino bellowed.
"I got your pistil right here…" Neji made a tunnel out of his hand a put it in front of his crotch. Then he began jerking his hand backwards and forwards.
"Where does the pollen go?" Chouji used his alto voice.
"Next chapter, in an abstract way, the same thing applies to the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms. But now we are dealing with sexual response. Are there any questions before we begin reading?" (Sasuke blinked).
"Is it possible the female member of some sex on a couch could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?" Shikamaru asked in song. Hinata blushed brightly.
"When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?" Kankuro quizzed. Many of the girls glared at the two apparently stupid boys.
"Can't prove it by me, 'cause they change their tune when you got 'em in the back seat." Kiba sighed dejectedly in exasperation.
"With his heart beatin' fast!" Shino added.
"They make it sound like a track meet, gross!" the girls, and Kurenai, cut it.
"Yeah, then all they can do is say "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"" the boys mimicked a girls high-pitched voice… wrongly.
"Reproduction!" (boys)
"Reproduction!" (girls)
"Baby, give it to me now." The boys bent their knees and opened their arms whilst saying the line and few even did a pelvic thrust.
"Reproduction!" (boys)
"Reproduction!" (girls)
"Is that all you think about?" The girls leaned forward and sang through gritted teeth.
"Reproduction!"
"Come on baby show me that you really love me so!" The girls were having fun looking crudely at the boys (now blushing) faces.
"Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw up!" Lee pretended to vomit and Chouji joined in with his line:
"Where does the pollen go?"
-
Iruka was trying to shield his precious students' eyes. Sadly, that didn't work very well.
-
"The human is the only being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring. Any comments on this?" Asuma was back in control… once more. Kurenai left her position and walked over to stand behind Asuma.
"Asuma-san, is it true that guys like you, you know, mature and all, carry some protection with them for sexual occasions?" Kurenai began drawing circles on Asuma's shoulder. It almost appalled everyone how "natural" that looked. Asuma blushed redder than Gaara's hair. Kakashi wondered if he needed to get the fire extinguisher from the closet.
"What's
the big deal? Can't a girl just do that thing in a book
Where she
adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?"
Naruto paused, and looked to the males around him for help. Some guys
nodded in agreement.
"Oh, that's really neat!" Ino sang sarcastically.
"Yeah, and what will the guy say when the numbers don't add up right, huh?" Temari asked the idiots… I mean boys…
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" All the girls pumped their fists forward in enthusiasm as they sung each word.
"Reproduction!" (boys)
"Reproduction!" (girls)
"Hope he's proud of what he's done!" Sakura piped up. Hinata, it seemed, had gotten knocked up by one of the guys… If the pillow under her shirt was something to go by… And the way the girls all crowded around her…
"Reproduction!" (boys)
"Reproduction!" (girls)
"He was only pokin' fun!" Kakashi defended (A/n: Why he was defending the boys, we have no idea…). At this time, Shino was shoved into the middle of a semi-circle of guys. Some were cheering him on, while others looked at him like he was an idiot. Sasuke went up to Shino and whacked him on the back of the head.
"Reproduction!"
"See what happens when a boy and girl don't know how to play it safe?" Asuma walked into the middle of the two groups, making a hand gesture towards Shino and Hinata.
-
Iruka was mortified. 'I'm never going to ask them to do something like this again!' Iruka's mind decided. And then he glanced at his students, who were watching avidly (and seeming to take it all in).
-
"Reproduction!" The boys yelled looking like they were getting ready to fight.
"Reproduction!" The girls all moved into a fighting stance in front of Hinata, blocking the said girl from view.
"Reproduction!"(boys)
"Reproduction!"(girls)
"Reproduction!" They all sang together.
Chouji stepped forward into the middle, in front of Asuma.
"Where does the pollen go?" He cocked his head to the side like a confused puppy. Many of the "cast" slapped their foreheads.
And the song ended…
-
When the class left, Iruka chased them out with a broom. "How dare you corrupt my class like that?" he hollered at their retreating backs. Iruka would never see any of them in the same light again.
And the only thing to come of it was Asuma and Kurenai having a good laugh about it… in bed…
A/n: We should've warned you about the implied AsumaxKurenai, shouldn't we have? Well, we have now! Anyway, review and tell us what you think. The song is "Reproduction" from Grease 2, by the by.
