A/N: Pleasee don't kill me. Please read this anyway, even though it's been a long time since I last updated.
I'm so sorry, I just haven't got over the missing files thing yet. But I'm getting there. I promise I'll try to update faster next time. :/ Okay, I deserve your hate. It's a fact...
But will you please read and leave a review in the end? :) (I'll take hate reviews even)
So, to help you remembering what this story is about (because you're most likely to have forgotten it already) here's a little extra summary:
In the last chapter, Kate and Rick were having coffee after being apart for four years. She was recalling the last time they were together, and the way she told him she wanted him to leave.
There you go.
Chapter 3
Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesn't work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.
"Are you okay? Your eyes…" His voice was full of pure concern but she didn't really understand why until she blinked and felt a tear rolling over her face. The pain those memories came with was still too much for her to handle.
"Yeah, yeah." She rubbed her cheek, wiping it away. "It must have been just something that got into my eye."
"Okay, if you say so." He sounded hesitant, and his eyes were wide open as if they were trying to read into hers once again. Kate shivered at the thought that he could still read her like a book.
"Welcome to 'The Mug', what can I bring you today?"
They both raised their eyes to meet the kind smile of a waitress standing by the table. For how long has she been standing here?, Kate wondered. Fortunately, the waitress didn't seem to recognize her although she had just been sitting in a table nearby, ten minutes ago. They ordered coffee and some pastries and the young woman left, leaving them in a deep silence.
"Aren't you mad at me?" Kate asked after a while.
"Why would I be mad at you?" She couldn't tell if his tone was rather ironic or just sad.
"You know…for…pushing you away?"
Another silence, but this one coming with a long and painful moment of eye-contact.
"Honestly? I don't know." Castle answered.
She waited for him to say something else but when he didn't she just hummed in response.
A few minutes later, the waitress was back, placing both of their mugs on the table, as well as the food plates.
"If you need anything else just let me know." If she noticed the heavy atmosphere surrounding the table she didn't reveal it. Giving them another bright smile before turning around, she headed for the counter.
Kate suddenly felt an awful taste in her mouth and a feeling of discomfort ran down her spine. It didn't take her long to realize it was all due to the nerves. The sickness of knowing you made a terrible mistake and you really need to make it right somehow. Unsure if she would be able to swallow anything at all, she just stared at her coffee and played with the edge of the mug for a while. Castle, on the other hand, seemed to be using his coffee as a pretext for not speaking, as he didn't pull his mug away from his lips for a single moment. But all that coffee would eventually end.
"It hurt, you know Kate? A lot, actually." He finally said, after emptying his white mug.
She knew that already. But hearing it coming straight from his mouth? It just broke her heart and made her even sicker with herself.
"I know. I'm so sorry." And nothing could make that feeling go away. "I…I had my reasons at the time."
"You know you could have told me what those were."
She turned her head slightly towards the window, blankly staring at the cars going by before answering.
"You wouldn't understand."
"You could have given me a shot at least." He didn't sound angry or mad. Just sad.
"You wouldn't let me go if I told you..."
"Well, in case you didn't notice, I didn't anyway. Not for a long time. You were the one that didn't answer my calls nor texts. Oh, and telling Gates to deny my access to the precinct at any cost? That was pretty selfish. You know, I have friends there." Now he did sound mad, but Kate preferred it that way. She felt like she deserved all of his anger. "I did what I thought that had to be done. But I never meant to hurt you." She whispered as her voice failed her.
Another silence. Kate wore her brain out while trying to find something to say but nothing else would come out, even though she had rehearsed that same speech a thousand times in her head. He, however, was the first one to speak, leaving her astounded by the sudden change of subject.
"Well, that was four years ago. How have you been? Did you… marry?"
Marry? What a joke.
"No, I didn't." She let herself take a deep breath. They would eventually have that conversation, just not quite yet. "Did you? How many times more?" She added, giving him a playful smile.
He smiled back.
"Very funny. None, actually."
"None? I'm disappointed, Mr. Castle." Slowly, the ice was starting to break between them and Kate started feeling slightly relieved, and that was when she remembered she had a coffee to drink. Feeling better, she took her first sip.
"Are you? I'm sorry then, Detective Beckett."
"Seriously, why didn't you marry again?"
"What's the point of marrying the wrong girls, over and over again?"
"Trying to find the right one, perhaps?" She was unsure of what she was doing. Pretending that the man sitting in front of her hadn't once been in love with her, acting as her own feelings for him had never been that much of a big deal. Anyone who listened to the conversation they were just having would say they were mere friends who hadn't seen each other in a while. But they both knew that it was just so much more than that.
"I thought you were the one and done kind of woman." He observed, his smile turning into a more nostalgic expression.
"And I am. But you're not."
"Things change." Kate noticed the hidden meaning in his words but still she took the easiest way and let out a frivolous laughter.
"You can't start being a one and done kind of guy after marrying two women, Castle. You just can't. It's math."
"Really? Who invented that stupid rule?" And suddenly it seemed like the old times. But seeing that grin that was coming across his face, and knowing that it hid so much behind, Kate felt her heart tighten. He clearly pretended not to see her change of expression. "Well, then I'll be a three and done kind of guy. Even though that doesn't sound right. Maybe I should just stay single. And, you, boyfriend?"
"Not at the moment."
"I see."
They took a moment to eat. Well, he took a moment to eat. She took a moment to think. There was that thing she had to tell him. But how could she? How could she tell him that the one reason that led her to make that decision was no longer a valid one? You can't tell that to someone when you're sure it will totally mess with their new lives, whether they moved on or not. She couldn't find the right words, so she kept it for later.
"What about writing?"
"Oh." He looked to his cup of coffee for a while before answering. "I haven't written much."
"I figured that, since I haven't heard any news lately about Rick Castle's books."
"Heard? Come on, admit it, you just haven't received any newsletters from my website." There it was, that cocky grin that she had loved so much even though she never admitted it. Well, she still did, didn't she?
"Seriously, you stopped writing?"
"Well I'm just taking a break. Did you…read the last Nikki Heat one?"
"I did."
"Did you…" He paused there, as if he was unsure if that was safe territory, but eventually he continued. "…like the ending?"
"Well, I was glad you didn't kill her." Kate recalled that afternoon spent in her bed, finishing the book. It had been hard, even before getting to the end of the book she already knew that it would be the last one, therefore there would be a goodbye that she'd have to read. A goodbye that he'd create to make up for the one they barely had had. Turns out she was wrong. He had made things simpler.
"Yeah, I thought about that. But then I remembered all the complaining I heard when I killed Derrick Storm and then making her disappear sounded like a better idea."
"I think so too."
With that said, they gazed into each other's eyes again. Some things just never change. That peace that Rick's eyes gave her, was one of them.
"How's your dad?" Castle asked, after a while.
"He's been doing fine. And Alexis? Oh my God, I can't believe I hadn't asked you about her yet, I'm so sorry."
"It's alright. There are just so many things to catch up about! Alexis is fine. She's almost getting out of college, but currently she's at home. Winter break."
"Really? What does she want to become?"
"A social-worker."
"I'm sure she'll be great at it." Kate smiled, as she recalled the amazing teenager Alexis had been. "How grown up is she?"
"More than I am, for sure."
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but it has always been that way since I know you." She caught herself absently playing with her hair and biting her lip. Stop it, Kate. It's not time for that.
"Thanks a lot. I once heard someone say that you should take it as a compliment when people call you childish."
"Wise words. And Martha, how's she doing?"
"She's great. And still lives at my place. She has this role in some play and she's all happy about it."
"Really? Good for her, then!"
Her phone rang and Kate hesitated for a moment before pulling it out of her pocket. No, it couldn't be work. It just couldn't. No.
"Yo, Beckett." Esposito said, once she picked it up. "We have a body."
Damn it.
"I'll be right there" She said, writing the address he was giving her in a napkin.
"Work?" Castle asked, the corners of his mouth twitching in a half-smile after she hung up he phone.
"Yeah. I'm..I'm sorry." She put her phone back in her pocket, mentally cursing the damn murderer for killing someone today.
"It's alright, go."
"It was really good to catch up, Castle." She said, this time without smiling though.
"I agree." He was the first one to get up and Kate wondered if he was dying to get out of there so he wouldn't have to look at her again. She, on the other hand, was dying to ask him if they could see each other again. She needed to see him. She needed to apologize and explain him everything. Tell him the news. Now that she was sort of aware of how he was doing it was easier. And even if it wasn't, she had to tell him one way or another. He deserved to know. And next time she would be ready to face his reactions, without her voice shaking and her knees getting week.
"Don't leave yet, wait here while I pay." Oh. Thus the rush to get up.
"No, Castle, I…" She got up, stretching her arm to stop him. He did stop, probably taken aback by the warmth of her fingers in his arm. Kate let him go instantaneously, realizing that she had almost stumbled upon his feet since he had turned around too quickly. She stared at him, closer than ever.
"I insist." He took a step back, breaking the moment.
Kate didn't even respond. He walked towards the counter, paid the bill and came back, she was still immobile near the table.
"So, perhaps we could…" He started.
Kate shook her head, awaking herself from her own thoughts and raised her eyes to look at him.
"My mother's play premiere's tomorrow night. Do you wanna come? I'm sure she and Alexis would love to see you." His words came out quickly; as if he had been giving it a lot of thought and just wanted to get it over with already.
Kate's eye widened. He actually wanted to see her again. But now she wasn't sure. Both Martha and Alexis probably hated her for what she had done to that man.
"I don't know, Rick, are you sure that's a good idea?"
"I'll pick you up at eight, is that okay?" He opened the coffee shop's door for her, smiling as she got out.
Well, screw it, she though, better say yes before he regrets what he's doing.
"It's perfect."
"Okay, see you tomorrow then."
"See you tomorrow."
Kate smiled and entered a cab. She knew there were too many reasons why she shouldn't be smiling, but she was. She couldn't even care that she'd have a lot to deal with. All she could care about was that he was giving her a second chance. And that meant to world to her.
A/N2: Okay, so... If you're confused with Rick being this okay with her after what happened, calm down. It all will be explained in the next chapter.
Clara
