AN: *Gasp* What's this? TUP actually published a 3rd chapter? Blasphemy! I really have to thank roxfox1962 and Enaid Adeyrn for reviewing. And I honestly apologize for any scolding of spellcheckers or dusting of moniters. It helps me continue this tale of nitpicking plot events and poking of Alistar's sexuality. I really appreciate the reviews. So onwards. I think that this chapter got a bit more on the "random" side then I wanted it too.
Chapter 2: Magicy Magic Stuff
Jowan: Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hugo. Hugo. Hugo. Hugo. Hugo-
Hugo: Jesus, stop poking me in the eye like that!
Jowan: Hey, you're alive! Sorry Templars, this one is good.
Templar: Aww, but it was my turn to slice his head off!
Templar2: Come on Jimmy, back to haphazardly snorting lyrium for you.
Walks away in whiny sadness.
Jowan: Soooooooo, what did you do? In the Harrowing? Were there other spirits? Monsters? Blood-chilling demons? Haunting from the past hunting you down? Every nightmare come to tear at your very limbs? DID HALF NAKED SANTA CLAUSE RIDE IN ON A GRIFFIN TO FEAST UPON YOUR-
Hugo: Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Hold up. Calm down there Jeremiah.
Jowan: It's Jowan.
Hugo: Sure, ok, whatever. Really, in my personal opinion, it wasn't much. Just poked some statues. Punched some spirit puppies in the face. Was stalked by a creepy homicidal mouse demon in disguise that was waiting to devour me. Eh, I've seen worse on reality TV.
Jowan: You should consider yourself lucky. At least you were able to participate in the Harrowing. I'm not even sure if the circle will even bother to put me through my Harrowing.
Hugo: Might have something to do with that incident with the goat-
Jowan: We agreed not to talk about that! Anyways, I'm worried that they might not ever put me through the Harrowing. What if . . . The circle decides that I should turn into a tranquil?
Hugo: No worries. You just have to get your own lead role as a character in a videogame. They'll call it "The Legend of Jowan: The guy who likes to poke his friend's eye out repeatedly".
Jowan: Nah, that doesn't sound very good.
Hugo: Really? *rubs abused eye* I think its fitting.
Jowan: I should probably speak to Cullen about this-
Hugo: The Templar or the gay sparkling one?
Jowan: The one that isn't a failed twilight joke. While I'm at it, you should probably get to Irving.
Before so however, the play spends most of their freetime ruffling through people's storage drawers and taking in their possessions
Hugo: Vandalism of other peoples private owning; it gets you stuff. *smiles chessily at camera*
Billy: Hey, what the hell are you doing in my underwear drawer?
Hugo: Er . . . Stand still Billy . . .
A few minutes later, the player walks in on the Irving, Gregaior, and Duncan. The player starts coughing due to the large amount of dust each old guy has gathered over the years.
Duncan: Look, the Grey Wardens are in dire need of more recruits.
Gregaior: Haven't we sent enough of our finest mages to battle? You just need one to make things explode into random jibbly bits of jelly!
Hugo: I'm here as you ordered. And I promise this staff is mine, I totally didn't steal it from someone's possessions.
Gregaior: Wait a minute, where's Billy? And . . . Is that blood coated on your staff?
Hugo: What, psh, huh, no! It's completely safe. *Wipes a bit of it on Gregaior's cheek* There. See?
Gregaior: . . . Uh?
The first enchanter ignores Gregaior's desperate search for a clean towel and turns towards the player.
Irving: I'm glad you could make it Hugo. I'd like you to meet Duncan of the Grey Wardens.
Hugo: The homeless guy wearing a skirt?
Duncan: Its a battle robe.
Hugo: Surree it is. So, I've been hearing around the tower that some recruitment has been going on.
Duncan: Yes indeed. To fight the dark spawn. You know, these darkly toned ugly mutated men who follow an towering evil lord that echoes within their minds as well as ourselves.
Hugo: Wow, that description sounds just so familiar. I swear, I think you just described the orcs and Sauron from Lord of the-
An unknown force of presence then punches the player in the gut for even daring to mention a certain trilogy.
Duncan: You ok son?
Hugo: *While on the floor* Nah, just . . . bleeding internally. Go on.
Irving: Well Hugo, I just want you to know that now you've completed your Harrowing, you are free to more rites. Such as fighting for Ferelden and using the men's bathroom. For now, you should lead Duncan to his quarters.
Hugo: Good. Let's go Duncan. Follow as I awkwardly and painfully crawl towards your room.
After an hour or two of slowly trudging, the player leads Duncan to his room so he can change into a prettier dress.
Duncan: ITS A BATTLE ROBE.
Uhuh, sure. Player manages to get back on their feet as Jowan pops up from out of nowhere.
Jowan: Um, can you talk for a few seconds?
Hugo: What's with the suspicious whispering? Because usually whispering like that means-
Jowan: Come with me if you want live.
Hugo: -Yeaahh, that.
They go to the SUPER SECRET ROOM which is just two door away from Irving.
Jowan: I just found out that the circle will turn me into a tranquil because they think I'm a blood Mage!
Hugo: Tranquil?
Jowan: You know, those guys who are devoid of emotion and run into walls as a free time.
Hugo: Oh, I'm sure having your face being in contact with a wall isn't that bad.
Jowan: You don't understand! If I become a tranquil, the circle will strip me of all of my emotions. I won't be able to have a happy life with my love, Lily.
Lily: Sup?
Hugo: Oh good maker's nose job, that disfigured thing? I don't know why anyone would want to put themselves anywhere near that! No offence.
Lily: S'Alright.
Jowan: Can you help me destroy my phylactery and escape? I swear, afterwards, me and Lily will just lead a normal life, away from magic.
Hugo: What! No more placing "walking bomb" on squirrels and stuffing them into Gregaior's pants?
Jowan: I'm sorry my friend, but its for the best. We'll have to get through the door in the storage room. We'll need a rod of fire.
Hugo: But it's guarded.
Jowan: Its just a door.
Hugo: Yes, a door that will probably shoot lasers at your genital if you go near it. But it's not like I'm getting any other quest lines, so I'll do it anyways.
Jowan: Thank you! Occasional purely friendship based man-kiss time!
Hugo: Alright, I thought we discussed that.
Walks instantly back two doors down to the first enchanter.
Hugo: So yeah, Jowan is trying to escape after learning he was going to become a tranquil.
Irving: That was . . . Sudden.
Hugo: He and his girl plan on breaking into the storage and destroying his phylactery-whatever so they can live up on the prairie or something.
Irving: That's no good. I guess we have to catch them in the act then, with you going along the plan with them. But . . . How did this pop up out of nowhere?
Hugo: I'm just an ass like that.
Irving: Oh ok. That's nice.
Goes to tranquil Owain, who's head is currently running into a wall.
Hugo: Hey, can I get a rod of fire?
Owain: What for?
Hugo: So I could, uh, learn about stuff . . . about fire and burning . . . Stuff.
Owain: Fine then. Just sign form with your signature, a signature, you original location, date of birth, location of where your parents conceived you, your GPA, security number, any nasty diseases you've required, your first girlfriend, location of all your most well hidden and well kept secrets, and whether or not you cried when Bambi's mom died.
Hugo: Hm . . . Not sure if I should write when I was born . . . But what the heck.
Goes to Lenorah, someone wrinkly and senile enough to sign the contract.
Hugo: Yadeyada, you're keeping spiders in your crook, you're to lazy to actually clear them out yourself, blah blah, I'll do it if you sign this form.
Lenorah: I-
Hugo: Thanks for key, I'll be on my way.
A minute later-
Hugo: Spiders gone. Thanks for the sign. Here's a donut I found on some dead dude.
Lenorah: But- I - wha- you . . .
Shrugs and just eats the donut, having nothing better to do then just stand and be all NPC like. Taste like peaches.
Goes to Owain with the signed form.
Hugo: Here's the form.
Owain: Well then. I believe everything is in order. Here's your rod of fire. Don't mix it up with your other rod though. Bad things happen.
Leaves Owain to be intimate with the wall and runs back to Jowan.
Hugo: I've got the key!
Jowan: Occasional pu-
Hugo: No, Jowan, no occasional purely friendship based man kiss.
Jowan: Oh . . .
Hugo: Lets go.
They sneak to the phylactery with other mages not giving a crap if their actually doing anything suspicious. Sneakily. Dun dun dundundun dun duun dundundun-
Hugo: Dananaaa dananaaa, dun dundundun-
Jowan: Can you please stop that?
Hugo: Sorry. So what now?
Lily: This door requires a mage and a templar to open. I'll speak out the password while you do your . . . Um . . . magicy magic stuff.
Hugo: My . . . what now?
Lily: Create fire. Throw a blast of arcane energy. Turn water into wine. Pull kittens out of your hat and make them explode. I don't know, just do whatever you do!
Lily then speaks the password while the player ponders on which spell they'll use.
Hugo: Ok then . . . my most powerful spell: ACTIVATING MAGICY MAGIC STUFF, FWOOSH!
Lily: Is he mocking me?
Jowan: No honey, it's a compliment.
After fwooshing the door open, the daring trio make their way in. They eventually realize the rod doesn't work.
Lily: Oh no! The Templars made the keys in a way that so that Mage powers are useless!
Hugo: Oh no shit Sherlock, really? Cause obviously Templars would feel their doors were secured around people that light can light their balls on fire simply by hiccupping.
Lily: We're doomed, we can't get through!
Hugo: Actually, I noticed that there's a door right there, to our right-
Lily: We're finished. It ends here! There's no way!
Hugo: Um, door. Like right there.
Lily: WE'RE THROUGH! *THUNK* ow!
Hugo: Door. Bitch. THERE.
Lily: Oh.
Jowan: Well what are the chances that it will even open?
Already opens up the door with the rod.
Hugo: You see, we use magical sticks to unlock guarded treasury, not to pick our noses.
For the time, they player goes about the dungeon, killing things with magic and an inept girl who apparently thinks fist work against magic spirit guardians better then giant balls of lightning. The writer playing the player does not want to actually write out what goes on through the storage room because Jowan and Lily are the blandest NPCs ever. Having them as companions is the equivalent to carrying around two giant pet rocks. Them having sex together probably looks the same as rubbing two pieces of whole wheat toast together very slowly.
Jowan: Excuse me, but are you done yet?
. . .
Jowan: . . .
. . . Vveerry slloowwlly.
While Jowan throws a hiss fit, the player comes across a book case.
Hugo: Hm, this can't be it. Mages being powerful and extraordinarily intelligent beings, I'm sure they were able to make up a clever devise to hide their sacred storage of phylacteries that can define life or death of any mage-
Jowan: Its behind this bookcase!
Hugo: . . . Wha?
Jowan: We just have to use the fire rod to open it up! Hey, are you alright?
Hugo: I'm sorry, my logic is just recovering after getting receiving a gigantic blow to the face. Oww.
They just ever so conveniently grab the vial that's just sitting on a display podium and drop it. Conveniently. The player then figures out why Gregaior just hates his job so much.
Jowan: Yes, I am finally free!
Hugo: Uh, and you also kind of left a huge blotch there of blood. YOUR blood.
Jowan: Psh, how are they going to find out? By using napkins?
Hugo: MAAGGIICCAALL napkins!
They go out anyway, leaving the player wondering if they really do have enchanted napkins. Upon entering the surface, Templars surround them.
Gregaior: Alright blood Mage, we've caught you "red-handed!"
Templar2: Heh heh, nice one Greg.
Irving: I am sorry Jowan.
Gregaior: For dabbling in the blood magic Jowan, you are hereby sentenced to a death sentence. Lily here has betrayed the chantry by helping him. Send her to Aenora.
Lily: No, not the mages prison! Please!
Jowan: Hey, you guys step away from her!
Out of nowhere, he takes out a knife from his breast pocket.
Hugo: Ok Jowan, it's best if you keep sharpy pointy things away from-
Jowan: TASTE TYPE O BITCH!
Without warning, he stabs his hand, killing and knocking out the Templars with his blood. The player is trying to hold their jaw in place.
Lily: You- you killed them . . . With your blood!
Jowan: Oh, there's only minor splotches here here here here here here here and here!
Lily: You lied to me!
Jowan: Yeah . . . Well . . . Kind of sort of. Mage weekly rated blood mages as the top sexiest type of mage.
Lily: Get away from me!
Jowan then starts running away like a little bitch that doesn't plan heist out well. The player is trying to pick their jaw from the floor.
Gregaior: I was never expecting that!
Hugo: Oh yeah, never expected blood mages to use actual blood. And to think, this whole time I thought it was just kool aid- HOW COULD YOU NOT!
Gregaior: We should of been able to act sooner if it weren't for this apprentice! No, you had to be all old man-mc-Jenkins and take a nap while Templars got blood spots launched at them like missile command! And you even let them into the repository yourself!
Irving: It was under my command.
Gregaior: Do you know how many ancient artifacts we have stored down there? He could of done just about anything! "Uh oh, spaghetti-os, I just tripped over the plague, oh silly-Billy!"
Irving: Its not like he took anything. Isn't that right?
Hugo: Of course not. Oh and the staff behind my back didn't come from the repository, I just like keeping large suspicious sticks at my side.
Duncan: Pardon me, but this mage has shown some remarkable dedication, what with him willing to backstab his best friend to kiss up to the authority. I would like to bring him to the Grey Wardens.
Gregaior: Hey, did anyone just see that other guy with the cut wrist run out? The angry psychotic one? I did! He looked very angry and psychotic!
Duncan: There are things out there more dangerous then blood mages with emotional issues. No, we need Mages with sociopath and kleptomaniac issues!
Hugo: I do happen to excel at those things.
Irving: That does indeed sound like an excellent idea. Though I might have to think about that for a bit.
Hugo: Come on Irving, I have to join the wardens! The storyline permits me to! Please, I'll even use Mr. Pouty face.
Irving: Oh, I don't think that by doing that you'll-
Hugo: *Pouty Face*
Irving: Aww . . . Alright. You may go.
Gregaior: Are you serious? You can't let him go just because he seems to excel at making his lower lip quiver! Especially after he eradicated the storage rooms, let loose a blood Mage and -
Player holds up a glass of red kool-aid.
Gregaior: *High Pitch Squeal* OH SWEET ANDRASTE'S TAMPON, GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!
AN: Is it just me, or does it seem like just about every mage Warden is mentally unstable?
