/** Author's Note: For why I wrote this fiction, please see SnE #1. And again, it is written in terrible archaic speech. ;P  R/R please!

Just wish to say a few words to those who reviewed Chapter2.

devilburns – hey thanks! Jus pop in or email your ideas anytime ;)

Ivory Tower - Awaiting your Dr Snape! Heh heh

Cable wu – human and orc?? *cough* NOOoooo…

Yukito – aye bro, tis a little slow. Anyway, I HATH to insert AL! =)

S_Star – double review!! Haha, thanks a lot!! Oh, the books art all sold out! Hath to wait for the next print. Heh, just for thee, I give thee 60% discount. By the way, what is LMAO?

To all: Drop me some ideas for scenarios k? Any suggestions as to where they should go next? Thanks again to you all! **/

Scenarios n Exchanges (that will make JRR Tolkien do flip-flops in his grave)

(In other words, things that we will never see in the books or in the movies… )

Scenario n Exchange #3:

Legolas, the pretty elf, was feeling extremely nervous. Wringing his slender pale hands for the umpteenth time, he peered out of the window of his nice little room again. Still nothing. Not a single soul in sight. No Elrond, no Gimli… No HIM… Hath they forgotten about it??… The elf thought sadly. Feeling quite sorry for himself, he sat down on his pink lone settee and pouted. After what seemed like ages (A/N: Five minutes actually…), the elf decided to take a walk, hoping to find some reason for the strange disappearance of everybody. Perhaps they art preparing a surprise for me!! He mused. With this new thought, Legolas brightened up considerably and skipped out of the room and out of the house. Looking around, he furrowed his pretty brows slightly. Where shalt I start? Ah… Mayhaps I shalt try Frodo's house… Whistling a pretty tune, the elf proceeded to skip gracefully down the sandy path to where Frodo and Sam (Frodo's supposed gardener) resided.

*knock knock* "Frodo? Art thou there? Sam?" Legolas called out. A muffled "Coming!" was heard and after a while the door creaked opened, revealing a disheveled-looking Frodo. His hair was mussed up, his shirt was buttoned up wrongly and his pants worn the other way. Tis was EXTREMELY obvious that the hobbit hath gotten dressed in a hurry but Legolas tis was an innocent elf after all and so didst not suspect something was "not right". Instead he said, "Hello Frodo, doth thou knowest thou hath thy buttons buttoned up wrongly and thy pants worn the wrong way?"

"Er… Aye. Er… Hello Legolas, tis something the matter?" Frodo asked politely, though he punctured the greeting with several backward longing glances towards the bedroom.

"Oh! Nothing tis the matter, erm, just that art thou having any PLANS later? Like LUNCH or DINNER? And art we having any GATHERING and hath thou seen ARAGORN?" The elf enquired, cautiously stressing certain keywords in his sentence.

"SamandIarthavinglunchathomeandwedothnothathanyplansfordinneryet.IhathnotheardanyplansforagatherinandIhathnotseenAragorn…" Frodo replied swiftly. "Ifthouwiltexcuseme,Ihathsomethingurgenttoattendto!!" With that, the hobbit attempted to close the door in the elf's crestfallen face. (A/N: *clicks translator* Sam and I art having dinner at home and we doth not hath any plans for dinner yet. I hath not heard any plans for a gathering and I hath not seen Aragorn… If thou wilt excuse me, I hath something urgent to attend to!! *unclicks translator* Ok ok, I'm just trying to make the story longer… Sue me.)

"Wait! Wait! Thou REALLY hath no plans for dinner? No gathering??" The panicking elf stuck a pretty foot into the house, successfully preventing the door from closing. "Art thou sure? Check again!"

In normal circumstances, Frodo wouldst hath been more than happy to entertain his elf friend but he really was in the midst of something important. He and Sam hath bought the smallest wax candle (due to budget constraint) in a local shop, and was about to test it out when the knocking started. Frustrations (due to the untimely interruption) mixed with the already running high emotions of sexual tension (A/N: In this case, sexual tension is: Frodo canst wait to hath SEX with Sam and he tis feeling TENSEd up due to Legolas's bugging), Frodo couldst stand it no longer and decided to do something drastic. Widening his blue eyes and faking a stoned-on-pipe-weed expression, he dribbled saliva on his tunic and started intoning in a shrill voice, "Prrrreeciousssss… MYYY preeeeciouusssss…" whilst swaying back and forth on the balls of his very large and very hairy feet.

Alarmed by the scene before him, Legolas backed away from Frodo quickly and stared worriedly at the hobbit. The pretty elf was alarmed the second time when the hobbit, in mere seconds, hath a 100% recovery and proceeded to shut the door while calling out a muffled apology. Suspecting the hobbit of hiding something from him, Legolas pressed his pointy ears against the door, hoping to catch some snippets of conversation. As elves hath excellent hearing, what went on in the bedroom went un-unheard. In less than a minute, our pink-pointy-eared elf fled the scene when he overheard certain stuff that due to censorship on ff.net, couldst not be written down whole. (A/N: For those who art REALLY curious, just take it that a wax candle hath many other uses besides lighting up a room and Legolas will never look at a corncob in the same way again.) 

Feeling rather depressed and hungry, Legolas made his way to a vegetarian tavern and ordered a quick vegetarian meal, while keeping a lookout for his lover or any of his other friends. His attention was slightly shifted though when the Soup Of The Day arrived. Tis was corn. Conversations between the two hobbits came rushing back to his head and the elf felt rather sick. He remembered something along the lines of the corncob being too big and something being too small.

"Something wrong with the soup, Elf Prince?" The owner of the tavern asked. Let's call him IHC – Insignificant Human Character.

"Non, tis ok. Thank thee…" Legolas replied graciously, with a plastic smile plastered on his face. He doth hath manners after all.

"Aye, no problem! Tis the best corn ever! Harvested from them fields them hobbits own!" IHC said enthusiastically.

"I beg thy pardon? The corn tis from the hobbits?!"

"Aye! Frodo and Sam!"

The sick elf turned extremely pale and stumbled out of the tavern retching away. No longer in the mood for food, he shuffled slowly into the woods and lay down beneath a tree in a bad mood. (A/N: hey it rhymes!)

Soon it was even-

"HEY! Thou left me dangling a few lines up! Don't I have an ending??" IHC cried. (A/N: No.)

"Damn." (A/N: Get lost. You are an IHC. Remember?)

"Damn." *poof*

Soon it was evening. Legolas stirred awake and proceeded to do some slight exercise. (A/N: Wishest to maintain a SLIM figure? Wishest to keep those calves STRONG and LEAN? Call NOW to order an exercise videotape titled "25-Ways To Keep That Elf Butt Tight by Richard Simmons" *picture of RS wearing leggings and fake pointed ears* Now for ONLY $39.99! First 50 callers will get a pair of green spandex exercise leggings worth $19.90 ABSOLUTELY FREE! Why wait?! ~30-day back money guaranteed. Please allow 31 days for delivery~)

Done, the elf trudged back home with heavy feet and an even heavier heart. Reaching his front door, he found a piece of note stuck on it. It read 'Dear one, please proceed to the clearing in the woods. Love, A''. With a delighted squeal, Legolas abandoned all unhappy thoughts and flew (literally) to the clearing in the MIDDLE of the woods. And what a sight that greeted him! A makeshift stage was in the MIDDLE of the clearing and there were tables and chairs surrounding it. The entire area was luminated by light bulbs stringed from the trees' branches. All of his companions (including the dead Boromir) were already seated at the tables, drinking frosted beer in mugs and engaging in talk. The noise died down immediately when Legolas stepped tentatively into the clearing.

"My friend! Come! Aragorn hath a surprise for thee." Gandalf the Greying White said, while beckoning with his staff.

Leading the elf to the MIDDLE, Gandalf the Greying White pointed to a small button device on a chair beside the stage and walked back towards his seat. The elf then realised that there was a huge box in the MIDDLE of the stage. The box hath polka dot patterns on it and a large red bow on the top. Glancing at the chair, he saw the button device came with a note. Legolas recognised it to be in Aragorn (aka The-man-with-too-many-names)'s handwriting. It read 'Push this elf '. In his hurry, The-man-with-too-many-names left out a comma and thou knowest elves hath extremely STRAIGHT thinking, and the result was Legolas poking himself on the chest, on the arms and the legs with his fingers.

~@~@~@~@~@

In the meantime, Ara- The-man-with-too-many-names was sweating like a pig who hath just finish running a marathon with Ring Wraiths chasing after it. The box was quite cramped and there were no ventilation holes. He hath heard Gandalf showing his elf the device and he was wondering what was taking the music so long to start. Drawing his dagger from his boot, The-man-with-too-many-names began to form a tiny eyehole on the box. Sneaking a look, he groaned in exasperation when he saw Legolas poking himself all over.

"THE BUTTON!! PUSH THE BLOODY BUTTON!! NOT THYSELF, DAMMIT!!" The-man-with-too-many-names called out in frustration.

"My Lord Aragorn??" The startled elf squeaked. He looked apprehensively at the box. "Tis thee?"

"Ay- I mean NON! Tis not me! Push the button!" The voice called out again.

The elf blinked in confusion. Well, tis sure sounded like his human lover. Throwing caution to the wind, he pushed the button…

~@~@~@~@~@

The light bulbs flickered and blinked in a repetitive pattern. A low voice rang out…

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love/Love's going to leave me… *music starts*

~@~@~@~@~@

Finally… The sexy, hunky owner of the sexy, hunky voice thought. The lid of the box popped upon and The-man-with-too-many-names stood up. Legolas the pretty elf stared in a mixture of horror and surprise.

"ARAGORN????"

The hunky ranger jumped out of the box and began to lip-synch and dance on stage. Catcalls were heard all around.

~@~@~@~@~@

(A/N: Aragorn's performance…)

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt/So sexy it hurts… Aragorn gave his elf a seductive look and fingered the buttons of his tunic. Pulling out a small dagger, he proceeded to pop them one by one… slowly…

And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan/New York and Japan… The-man-with-too-many-names stripped off his shirt and threw it on the floor, revealing a glorious splendid body that all men, dwarves, orcs, elves, hobbits and other insignificant races in Middle-Earth wouldst die for. 

"What's a mee land? Aragorn! Thou wilt catch thy death! Wear back thy shirt!"

And I'm too sexy for your party/Too sexy for your party/No way I'm disco dancing… Pursing his sexy lips, Aragorn sashayed from one end of the makeshift stage to the other, flicking his dark mane back all the while. His tight leather black pants clad hotly against his strong long legs. 

I'm a model you know what I mean/And I do my little turn on the catwalk/Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah/I do my little turn on the catwalk… Giving a perfect left turn, he continued to sway his hips and gave a slight wink at the blushing elf. (A/N: FYI, Eowyn hath SUDDENLY taken ill earlier and was not present at the party.) The crowd hath gone quite wild and was dancing to the music. Even Gandalf the Greying White was into it. Using his staff, he gave a small performance of a REAL pole-dance.

I'm too sexy for my car too sexy for my car/Too sexy by far…

"Car? Wat tis a car?" Although very much entranced by the singing and dancing, Legolas was quite confused by the words.

And I'm too sexy for my hat/Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that… Plucking a black velvet hat from thin air, Aragorn placed it tilted low on his head, imitating M.J's move in Billie Jean.

I'm a model you know what I mean/And I do my little turn on the catwalk/Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah/I shake my little tush on the catwalk… Sticking out his tight butt (A/N: Wishest to hath THAT BUTT? Wishest to own those STRONG calves? Call NOW to order an exercise videotape titled "25-Ways To Keep That Human Butt Tight by Richard Simmons". Now for ONLY $39.99! Why wait?! ~30-day back money guaranteed. Please allow 31 days for delivery~), Aragorn rotated his pelvis in a not so innocent manner. Frodo fainted out of sheer excitement and Sam just stood there drooling.

(I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my) Cos! I'm a model you know what I mean/And I do my little turn on the catwalk/Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah/I shake my little tush on the catwalk… And he proceeded to do just that.

I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat/Poor pussy poor pussy cat… Legolas purred as he stared into those smoldering eyes.

I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love/Love's going to leave me… And I'm too sexy for this song! *music ends*

Aragorn ended the song with his hip thrust out at a side, one arm bent with the palm resting behind his head and the other arm outstretched forward, index finger pointing at the elf. Applause resounded across the tables and the lights went back to normal.

"Happy Life-day, dear one!" The-man-with-too-names greeted and pulled the shocked elf in a crushing embrace.

The celebration lasted till the wee hours of the next day. The beer hath finished and the food consumed. Legolas lifted his head slightly and gazed happily at his friends lying on the tables, chairs and even the floor, drunk and snoring away. Snuggling back against his sleeping lover's broad chest, he concluded tis was the best birthday celebration he wouldst ever hath. Closing his eyes, he dozed off into a deep sleep, dreaming of bright lights and music, and a very sexy Aragorn in the middle of it all.

The End.

A/N: Heh heh… This chapter is not that slashy. Isn't Aragorn sweet? Aww…  Also, Too Sexy by Right Said Fred doesn't belong to me. And apologies to all Richard Simmons's fans, I needed an exercise guru…