So, here's chapter three. If you want to know more about the stories I post you can always follow me on twitter ( ThoughtsWriter)
Enjoy this chapter.
When she told Kurt about the conversation she had with Finn she wasn't expecting him to laugh in her face but that's exactly what happened and she's speechless. She litterly doesn't know what to say and that doesn't happen often. Rachel Berry is practically never at loss for words.
"You two are un-be-lievable! You are freaking Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson for crying out loud, nothing is ever 'easy' with you two. Deal with it!"
She lets the words sink in and she knows that Kurt has a point, but then again doesn't he always? But she just doesn't know what to do about this situation she got them in "And how do you think we should deal with it?"
Kurt shakes his head and for once she really hopes for some guidance on his part even though Finn was his stepbrother "I suggest that first of all you stop with the whole we crap. There is no we or us for that matter. You are two individual people with separate lives who happened to be tied together by one person, moi!"
She sighs. Fair enough, everything he said was true. But, that doesn't help her much at this point.
"Berry, listen. My suggestion is to call him, meet on natural grounds and talk. And I don't mean scream, shout and cry talk but talk normally. Lay everything out on the line, no holding back. Get everything from the past out in the open so you can move forward"
She has to think about this. Is this really an option? Will it work? Can she really have a normal conversation with Finn? She knows she going to have to try, for both of their sakes "And then what?"
"And then you do what you do best, live your life. You are going to see each other because as I told Finn I'm not going to be caught in the middle of this. I if want to play videogames with him I'm going to invite him over, if I want a night out with you I'm going to take you where you want to go. Do you think you can do that, Rachel?"
She knows she has no choice. She doesn't want Kurt anywhere in the middle of this. Kurt is her best friend but he's also Finn's stepbrother and she's not about to screw up the relationship between them like she did with theirs "I did love the guy once so I'm pretty sure I can be civil when I need to be"
She doesn't plan on telling Kurt that through all of it she still loves him because he would have totally snapped and given her a lecture about how morally wrong that would be, and deep down she knows that. But, she also knows that you can't choose who you love; you can't control your heart.
"Good, now call him and fix what you broke" Kurt gave her a thumbs up before leaving her be to make that phone call. But that statement raddled her to her core. Fix what she broke? It implied that she ruined everything all by herself and that makes her question how much of the truth Kurt actually knows. But, she wasn't going to get into that now; she had a phone call to make.
Her shaky fingers pressed the number she memorized by heart and on the second ring she heard someone pick up.
"Finn Hudson speaking how can I help you?'"
His husky voice made her heart skip a beat. Damn it, this was going to be hard "It's me .Rachel. Look, can we talk?" She kind of had to force the words out, for some reason she was extremely nervous all of a sudden
"'Hi Rach-el'"
She could tell he was nervous too because he basically called her by her nickname but quickly corrected himself
"Finn, listen. We need to talk. Meet up somewhere and get everything out in the open. Get the past out of the way so we can be civil around each other. I'm taking Kurt's advice here" She didn't know why she had to throw that last bit in there but it managed to get a laugh out of Finn.
She realized that she had missed that laugh more than anything in the world and her thoughts immediately went back to better times.
"We both know how good my little brother's advice usually is. Wanna meet at Starbucks tomorrow morning? You still drink a mean cup of coffee in the morning don't you?"
'Not everything about me is different you know. Tomorrow is fine. About nine-ish?'
She didn't really mean to snap at him, but it just came out. She still hadn't forgotten about the fact that he called her out on changing so much. She just hoped that this was going to work tomorrow.
She couldn't even get through one conversation without making snappy remarks
"fine. Tomorrow around nine at Starbucks it is. Bye Rachel"
She heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line before hanging up.
This wasn't going to be easy.
When she walked back into the living room Kurt gave her his famous 'spill the beans' look and she couldn't help but smile "At least there was no screaming or crying this time. The bitter little remarks were still there though. I'm meeting him tomorrow at nine" and as she said that, it sank in. How is she going to get through a normal conversation with Finn? She had tried before and it didn't work.
Somehow something always was done or said to upset the other to make it turn into an argument or full blown fight. She can't remember ever fighting like this when we were together. Sure, they had their disagreements or lovers debates but nothing like the past two days.
There was obviously a lot of pain and resentment from the both of them. She was going to take Kurt's advice to heart and lay it all out in the open, cards on the table.
She knew she was probably going to count to ten on a couple different occasions or just bite her tongue. But, under no circumstance was she going to have another fight with Finn tomorrow, no more, she was done fighting.
"So, do you want to start?" They were sitting in a corner booth at Starbucks and had managed to get their coffees pretty quickly and now it was time to talk.
Did she want to start? Not really but by the look on his face apparently Finn didn't either.
" I hated you for what you did, you know" She knows that it's not the best choice of words to start a conversation with but she wasn't about to hold back now. Everything on the table means everything "You saw me kiss Brody, ran back home to Lima and cut me out. Never once letting me explain. You shut me out, for good"
His eyes were wide, his pupils dilated and she could tell he was trying hard to keep himself together
"I was young, immature and didn't know how to handle things. When I went to New York to surprise you I wasn't prepared for all of that and it made me run. It sucks when you see the love of your life kissing another dude" His voice was calm and she was impressed by his ability to express what he felt back then
"You NEVER contacted me after that, Finn. I called, texted and e-mailed you probably a hundred times" She really just wanted to know how he could just totally alienate her from his life. She knew that seeing her kiss Brody had given a blow to his self esteem but she never imagined him being able to just cut her out of his life like that.
"Don't really have a clear answer there. I was heartbroken, lost and alone. At first I just really didn't want to talk to you because I didn't want to hear you make excuses for yourself like with Puck. You somehow make me feel guilty, thinking that it was because I wasn't there for you or maybe I had done something wrong and I guess after a while I just started to focus on my own life again and as time passed I just didn't see the point in talking to you anymore"
She could totally understand where he was coming from. When time passes by somehow you just fall back in to your routines and although you do think about it from time to time you just don't have the guts to pick up the phone and call. She knows that he was the one to cut her out of her life but after a while she stopped trying to contact him too. If she really wanted to have him in her life she could have made more effort. She could have flown back to Lima and make him talk to her, but she didn't. She had a life here in New York and he had a life in Lima. Sometimes things just make you grow apart. She was just curious as to know if he still thought about them from time to time "Did you completely move on or did you still think about what we had?"
Their eyes locked and she could see the hurt in them "Do you think it would affect me this much if I didn't? As much as I tried and believe me I've tried! You were never completely from my mind or heart for that matter"
She didn't really know what to expect what she asked that question but she did know she didn't expect that answer. She kind of figured he got over her pretty quickly.
"You left some pretty big shoes to fill for other woman, Rachel. And well- let's not go there"
She gave him a stern look. Let's not go there? They promised to let everything out. Everything out on the table means everything. No holding back "Not go there? We promised to be totally honest. Everything out, no more secrets"
She could tell he was reluctant to continue his story as he let out a huge sigh and ran a hand through his hair "I realized yesterday after our huge fight that I had one big reason for avoiding you all together and not telling you I was moving to New York"
To say that she wasn't curious would have been a lie. She wanted to know what he was talking about "And that is?"
"I never truly got over you, Rachel. I may have been the one who eliminated you from my life but I never actually did. You were always just there. Other woman never stood a change with me, I compared them to you in every single possible way and that wasn't fair to them but I couldn't help myself. I hoped that by ignoring you in time that feeling would go away and I would be able to live my life normally again"
He still had his hands in his hair and she could tell he was frustrated about it. She felt sorry for him, by the looks and sound of it he really did try to live a life without her and it just didn't work.
If only he knew she had the exact same struggle for the last couple months "I know what you mean, Finn. It's been the same for me. You were everywhere I looked even though I tried my hardest to stop thinking about you and move on and –"
His harsh voice cut her off and startles her "Cut the crap Rachel, you DID move on.
I caught you kissing another dude, remember?"
This conversation was going in the wrong direction fast and she knew she needed to be honest
"Yes Finn, I screwed up. I kissed Brody but don't you think I would much rather have been with you? There is no excuse for what I did and I have no other explanation than he was just there. I felt like we were growing apart because I was moving to New York and you didn't know what to do with your life.
I was sad and afraid of losing you and that's why I kissed him.
I know that doesn't make sense because I lost you over that stupid kiss anyway but that's what it was, a stupid kiss" And that it truly was, a stupid kiss. Nothing more, nothing less. If she would have just been honest with him from the beginning she could have saved them both a lot of heartache. In the end she knew she never even felt anything for Brody; she was just confused and lonely and he was there.
"It doesn't matter Rachel because in the end it hurt all the same. You screwed me up big time. You knew how messed up I was the first time you cheated on me with Puck and how much time it took for me to trust you again and then you turn around and do the exact same thing the moment things get hard"
His voice was soft and calm again and she was just glad that up until this point everything was going extremely well "I know, Finn. But I don't know what to do or say. Sorry doesn't cut it, I get that. Sorry is just a word and it doesn't make up for what I did and I know I can never fix this but you messed me up too. You have no idea"
She felt her hand being lifted and he ran his thumb over it and it send a shiver up her spine "We both messed each other up pretty badly and that's also a part of why I wanted to stay away from you.
We have a pretty messed up past as it is and I don't want to hurt you any more than I already did back then. But I also realized that it's just not realistic for us to stay away from each other. Because, for some freaking weird reason the universe always has a way of bringing us back together"
His words hit her like a ton of bricks, they did hurt each other so badly and she was still hurting over it every single day and seeing him sitting opposite from her she was just reminded of how badly they ended things "Finn, I think we need to move forward. I'm in New York, you are in New York and we are going to meet sometimes. I mean come on, I live with Kurt for god's sake, your stepbrother. And I don't want to stand in the way of your relationship with him. I think it's time to move on"
She wonders what's going on in his head. There was a time she would have known everything that was going on in his mind, because they were so in sync. But now, seeing him sitting there across from her with this look of hurt and betrayal, she knows that this Finn isn't the same Finn she fell in love with.
And she can't blame him because she isn't the same person he fell in love with either. They both changed significantly
"I can't just forgive you like that, Rachel. I'm sorry" His words cut through her like a knife. That statement hurt. Deep down she knew he couldn't just forgive her for cheating on him again, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
Suddenly she just feels that she really needs to get out of there and cry.
She looks at him, gives him a weak smile and attempts to stand up but his hands keep her locked down "I really want to, Rachel. I just-"
She know she can't listen to him any longer without bursting into tears and she pulls her hands away and avoids any further eye contact with him "No Finn, I get it. I have to go!"
She stands up and starts walking away but his large hand grabs her arm he forces her to turn around
"I'm sorry, Rachel. I really am. I hope someday I can"
All she feels she can do at that point is just nod because she really doesn't know what else to say or do other than to run and cry because she wasn't about to let him see her tears "I really have to go"
She wrestles out of his grip and starts running, the tears streaming down her face.
When she's out of sight she lets herself fall against a store and when she looks at her reflection she can't help but laugh. Rachel Berry, look at you. Finn Hudson had managed to make you cry again!
She wonders if they are ever going to regain a normal relationship, whatever the hell that meant. Probably not, he wasn't able to forgive her and she couldn't blame him, she wouldn't blame him.
She had to focus on the good things from the conversation.
They told each other what they thought and felt and the next time she saw him she was pretty sure that she would be able to just smile and nod and mind her own business.
At least that's what she hoped with all her heart.
Note: Reviews make for a happy writer :-)
