A/N: Hello all, I would just like to take this opportunity to inform you that while this is technically ten, the plan is for him to be a more 'time lord victorious-y' ten. So he's likely to be somewhat OOC. Additionally, there are all sorts of different things that happened in this universe, but I have no idea if I'll be able to cover them all without being too info dumpy, so if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask, and I will answer them to the best of my abilities. Unless I'm for sure going to cover it at some point, and then I'll just answer with a "we may never know, mwahahahahaha" And at that point you should look up a gif of Mark Gatiss cackling to get a better idea of how I looked when responding. Thank you all for reading!
"I'm the Doctor, this is-"
"EXTERMINATE!" The shiny trashcan rolled past him, its head swinging back and forth searching for a target. I clutched Max's legs to keep her between me and death. She was a kidnapper after all, that made her human shield compatible. But she seemed frozen in place, so it wasn't too hard to keep her pinned.
"Oswin," the man said sharply to the metal bin. "That's enough."
"What? She called me a salt shaker," the tinny voice managed to sound indignant, despite the fact that it resembled a gravely GPS. "'Sides, it's funny."
Oh good, a robot with a personality. There was definitely no way this was going to end well.
"Yes, well, you're going to get yourself shot one of these times, and I'm not about to stop them." The man, instead of terrified of what I had thought was the most dangerous alien in the universe, just looked annoyed.
"You're such a spoilsport." It huffed and rolled to a stop.
"Anyway," the man shook his head at the sullen robot. Yeah, I had seen at least a dozen movies on how this ended in a whole ship full of people getting straight up murdered. Moody appliances are not a good thing. "This is Oswin. Who-" he paused, noticing that I was still crouched down behind Max. "You…you can stand up. We're not going to hurt you. Wouldn't want you to stain your…apron."
He didn't seem particularly impressed with my cafe wear, which was fully coated after my swan dive into the ground. But then, the rest of me was pretty orange powdered too, so I wasn't sure what his actual point was. Probably that I looked like an idiot on the ground. Right.
"But…it's one of those things…from the time war." The name was escaping me, but he had a Tardis, he'd get the gist. Hopefully.
"Well, yes, of a sort- How do you know about the time war?" His eyes narrowed on me, like my panic attack and generally undignified demeanor made it impossible to know about galactic politics. He probably wasn't far off on that assumption.
"I know lots of things," I shrugged, if I play it cool, maybe I look like less of a jackass. "Do they just have a space ship vending machine out there somewhere?" I gave the trash can a wide birth as I approached the blue box. It definitely looked like the same machine, but maybe it was like a sports car. Maybe there was an alien octopus on a used Tardis lot somewhere, wheeling and dealing.
"Em no…" his eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "This is the only one."
Well that was worrying. "Where did you find it?" My thumb picked at the wood exterior. It sure seemed the same, but then I had no idea. The other Tardis had been wood, right? Maybe? If I had known there was going to be a test later, I might have tried to pay attention.
"I didn't find it anywhere. It's my ship."
Maybe it was just a really extreme version of Halloween. Maybe the Doctor even had a fan club. Was that possible? People who like, lived and breathed that dork with the bow tie? Because I would absolutely make fun of him for that. Actually, scratch that, because he was probably immensely pleased about that sort of thing. What a dork.
"No, this is the Doctor's ship-"
"Yes. That is what I just said."
I ignored his condescending commentary. "So if you've got his ship, then that means you've done something to him," he was too stringy looking to have actually killed him, but that didn't mean he wasn't tied up somewhere. I mean, if I had managed to knock him out, that meant anyone probably could. "So where is he?"
"What do you mean done something to him? I am the Doctor. Who the stars are you?"
"I'm Fitz, which you would know, if you were the Doctor. But you're not." I tried the door, but it was locked. Which was probably a bad sign. "Did you steal it and leave him somewhere?" My shoulder bounced off the door. TV really gave me a false sense of how easy it was to break through wood, because it didn't give at all. "Because he's kind of an idiot, so I could totally see-OW!" I jumped three feet in the air and slammed my forehead against the Tardis. "That was my ass you metal turtle!" Oswin had stealthed up behind me and given my backside a sharp pinch. It was only now that I realized where the laser bit should be, was a mechanical arm. "So uncool!"
"Shouldn't be calling the Doctor names." A moody and overly protective robot. Yeah. I was doomed.
"He's not the Doctor. I don't know what he told you, but the Doctor is a gangly looking weirdo who wears a bow tie and he's got floppy hair and he really doesn't wear sneakers."
The man looked down at his shoes with a frown. "What's wrong with trainers?"
"He is the Doctor," Max, who I'd nearly forgotten about, interrupted us in a shaky voice.
"Right, I'm definitely going to listen to my kidnapper. That seems like a solid plan." She got points for not shooting me, or punching me in the face. Yay for kidnappers who meet the lowest bar of human decency.
"We need to leave," she came to some sort of decision as she crossed the distance between us, leaving behind an orange cloud. "Really, like immediately."
"Listen, I'm a hundred percent with you, but if he's got the Doctor handcuffed in here, I can't just leave him."
"No, it's a different-"
"Who did you say you were?" The man in the suit stepped between us, the first useful thing he'd done since showing up.
"I didn't." Max really had an impressive glare when she wanted to. It would be commendable if she wasn't such a kidnapping piece of shit. "We're just passing through. Didn't stick the landing." She raised her wrist, as though that explained what 'passing through' meant.
"Kidnapping. Not passing through. Kidnapping me." I helped clarify, but the man didn't seem interested.
"I know exactly who you are," he said in a dark tone as he grabbed her shoulder and pulled it forward. It was possible they were going to have a dance off, but then I realized he was staring at the patch that was sewn onto her fatigue sleeves. "You're a time agent." He spat like it was some really messed up thing, though, from where I was standing, it didn't sound all that impressive. I mean, time goblin, or time demon, or even evil time agent sounded more ominous then what he had said. They really needed to work on their theatrics.
The patch wasn't particularly damning either. It was a blue circle that kind of looked like a smiley face; if the face was missing eyes, and the mouth ended in two arrows. A clock face. It was a clock face. That makes more sense than a deranged smiley face. It was a relief I'd figured it out on my own.
"I'm nobody." Max insisted, snatching her arm away. "And we're leaving." She took a few more steps forward, but I ducked to the far side of the Tardis.
"And you?" He turned his thunderous gaze in my direction. "Are you also one of the cadets?"
"Uh. No. I work at a- I manage a coffee shop." Yeah, you're title is super important right now. Be sure to tell him about how you ordered a metric ton of coffee beans you didn't need too. Dumbass. "She showed up in my basement and kidnapped me." He continued to glare in my direction, but I was busy circling the Tardis as Max kept coming forward.
"Jesus, don't be such a child. We really need to get out of here." Clearly the file hadn't warned her about how annoying I was either. That would be her downfall. When I appeared on the other side of the Tardis, the man jumped between us again, though he spared me a rather judgmental look as I passed him.
"Another one of your mistakes, is she?" Despite being generally disappointed with me, he seemed exceptionally furious with Max, which was a mark in my good column. "Brought her out here to kill her and erase whatever you've done? Did you really think I'd let you get away with that?"
"Uh…I'm not here to kill anyone." Max finally looked concerned by the twiggy man. About damn time. Although she looked generally surprised about the whole 'killing' bit. She was an exceptional actress. "Time agents don't go around killing people…"
"Right," he laughed, a joyless sound. "Your team hasn't been hunting down and exterminating anyone who gets in your way."
"Yeah, that's not at all what they do actually…are you sure you're the Doctor?"
"Hah! Told you it wasn't him." Which meant he probably was locked up inside the damn Tardis. I turned to the front door, and while trying to keep an eye out for the ass pinching dust bin, I pounded on the wood. "Doctor? Are you in there? He's locked it, so I can't get in."
"For the last time, I didn't steal the Tardis!" He barked over his shoulder, still keeping an eye on Max as she brought her wrist up to fiddle with the dials on the manipulator.
"Whatever, we're getting the hell out of here. I'm just going to do a recall-"
"Ah ah." The man pulled something that looked worryingly similar to a sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and aimed it at Max. It made the same exact noise, despite the fact that it was blue. Max's wrist sparked and she let out an undignified squawk. "You're not going anywhere. Because you're coming with us to answer for your crimes."
"I would like to see you try it, asshole." Max looked furious that he'd basically tried to electrocute her with her bracelet. She hunched down as he strode forward. As tall as he was, I definitely had money on Max. She had some serious muscle tone, and it was going to take some real Muhammad Ali moves to drop her.
Of course, I forgot about the fact the time lords were basically annoying Jedi's. Assuming I believed he was a time lord. Still kind of on the fence about that. But he dodged her first punch and tapped her in the forehead, causing her to collapse in a heap.
"Holy shit." I said, a little startled. Yeah, that was definitely some Jedi bullshit. Even if I didn't believe he was the Doctor, he was definitely in the time lord family.
"Oswin, if you would." He spoke to the trash bin, already forgetting I was there.
"Why've I always got to carry the heavy stuff," it grumbled as a blue light beamed out from its eyestalk, lifting Max from the ground and levitating her toward the ship. The man led the way to the door, snapping his fingers to open it. Admittedly, that looked pretty slick. Which made him some kind of bizarro world Doctor, because nothing my Doctor did could ever be mistaken for slick. They both stepped inside, and the door slammed behind them.
"Uh guys," no one emerged from the ship as the warping noise began, the wheezing sound grew louder as the dust kicked up around the Tardis and it gradually flickered out of view. "Oh for fuck sake."
