Watching without seeing anything at all

Chapter Three

I was wrong. I was all wrong. It got worse when the music stopped.

"Today we're here to take leave on Ryusaki Sumire; mother, grandmother, friend and sensei."

Even though this was no news it hit me like a stone. It was like freezing water running down my back. I started pressing my cold hands against my knees. Like in trance I heard the man enumerate the basic facts of her life.

I felt like being in another dimension. Again time stopped passing. Depressed I stared at my hands. Against the black of my trousers they looked rather pale. Suddenly I noticed a bee close to the window humming. Thankfully I accepted the distraction.

Happy you, I cannot help but feel a little jealous. Your life seems to be so carefree, while my life just suffers from a big crack.

"- was very proud of her grand daughter, whose skills at the piano are excellent."

A loud sob was heard. It must have been Sakuno. I had not seen her before, but now I found her sitting at Echizen's side in the first row. Now I felt even more sorry for her.

What would it be like for me, if it was somebody of my family?

I did not want to answer this question and shook it off.

"One of the most important things to her was tennis, which she was coaching at the Seishun Gakuen."

Here it was – the point which concerned me, too. The point I could no longer overhear.

"Five years ago, her team managed to make a dream come true. They reached the National tournament and won. She was very proud that two of her former students are now playing at a national level."

I heard Eiji failing to suppress a sob and before I knew it, the first tear was running down my cheek. It was hard to not just start crying out load. My view was blurred. Again the woman at the piano started to play and I let the tears flow silently.

Why did you not take any tissues with you? Idiot.

Fiercely I tried to wipe away my tears. I held my breath to keep myself from sobbing. I was not even able to inhale fresh air without shaking. I was happy that the music was drowning my sobs.

Suddenly I felt Tezuka moving beside me. Leaning back a little he took a little package with paper tissues out of his pocket. I watched him open it. It felt like the first time since we had taken seats in the hall that time was passing a bit faster. He offered me a tissue and put the rest with the package back into his pocket.

"Thank you.", I whispered.

He did not answer me, instead his fingers brushed mine. It was only a small gesture, but it was comforting enough to help me get back control over my feelings. I managed to survive the rest of the speech without too much crying.

"And now I would like to ask you to all accompany me outside, so that we can see Ryuaski Sumire off."

In silence the audience rose from its seats. One by one we left the hall – the priest at the front holding the urn followed by Ryusaki's family and close friends. Our former team followed them.

Alone and in pairs the relatives walked towards the prepared grave. Waiting a moment in respect everyone took a hand full of sand and strew it into the digged hole. Then they walked on, heads down.

I did not want to watch, I hardly could. I did not know how to behave myself. It was the first time I had been to a funeral. This felt so strange, everything felt weird. The time passed by way to fast this time. I did not know what to think nor how to behave, nevertheless it was almost my turn.

In front of me Eiji started crying again. Oishi laid his arm around the red haired boy's waist. Both took some sand and let it slip into the black hole. Suddenly I felt so alone. And watched. I felt like every single person around me was watching every little move I did. Well, everyone except Eiji and Oishi, who were now walking on, leaving me the space to say good bye.

Good bye. Usually these words never had a big influence on me. Usually I had always been sure that it never meant that I would never see the other person again. I hesitated, I was afraid.

Then Tezuka made a step towards the grave and I knowing that I was hindering everybody else I followed him. We both took a hand full of sand. I watched Tezuka holding his hand over the hole, opening it.

I watched until he let his hand sink back to his side. Then I stared at my hand.

A bit of sand to say good bye – is that all? What am I supposed to do? I want to show my respect, my sorrow, but I don't know how.

"Fuji."

Hu?

I thought I was hearing things, when I felt Tezuka's breath at my ear.

He wants me to act.

Slowly I let the sand flow through my fingers, slipping away. Slipping away, just as Ryusaki-sensei had slipped away from our reach. I felt my cheeks get hot again, my vision blurred and tears fought their way down my face.

I was crying. Again.

A hand touched my shoulder. I felt it's warmth through the fabric of my clothes. Tezuka pulled me a little closer and together we stepped away from the grave. Walked away from the fearsome hole and approached the others.

I did not want to look at any of them. They were my friends, but I was ashamed. Ashamed of my tears, ashamed of my weakness. But Tezuka did not seem to have a problem with it, he let his arm rest around my shoulders, holding me close.

"Fujiko? Oishi and I want to go a bit downtown. Getting a bit distraction, want to join us?"

I looked up at Eiji. He had dried his tears, but his eyes were red. Slowly I shook my head.

"I think I'll go home. I… I need some time for myself."

"Mh, ok.", was the rather disappointed answer of my friend. But he didn't argue.

"I'll accompany home then, if that's ok for you."

Surprised I looked up at Tezuka.

"I – There's no need to. I mean, I came by car. I only need a few minutes to get home."

"Nevertheless I'd be glad to join you."

"O-Ok."

We drove home, or better to my home. We were not talking at all, the music was ringing out of the radio. It felt strange, as if we were driving out of the dark into a new born world. The people on the street looked rather normal and happy, but I did not pay much attention.

"Do you want me to drop you off somewhere?"

"No, don't worry. I want to make sure you get home safely. I'll simply get a taxi as soon as we're standing in front of your house."

"I'm ok, Tezuka – I'm alright. You don't need to – "

"Fuji."

"But-"

"No 'but' – do you really think paying for a taxi will hurt me that much?"

"I – Probably not."

He's right. It won't hurt him at all. I mean he's a professional tennis player who has won enough tournaments…

"Well, here we are. Want to use our phone?"

"Fuji."

"It was just a thought. I did not want o be offensive."

"You're not. Don't worry."

I parked the car in front of our house and switched of the engine.

"Here we are."

"Looks just the way I remembered it."

Confused I looked at him.

Remembered it? Tezuka Kunimitsu remembered my family's house? The house I have been living in for all the years. He remembered it?