Oh hey, it's so not the end yet!
I do have to warn you already though, I do so very much suck at writing fluff.
And see, Iruka didn't die!
I'm thinking.. two chapters, then I'll start doing Kashi's point of view. Mwahhaa.
- shotted
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There is a definite difference between feeling warm, and then suddenly feeling cold. Before I lost consciousness, I felt quite cold. That is before those arms had lifted me up. But after that, cold had settled back in and I do not remember a single thing. Yet now, as I lay in a smelly room waking up, I try to decide whether or not I am warm or cold. I do not want to open my eyes, but I know there's a heavy weight on my stomach and it is bothering me. I try to shift, so that the weight would go away. I exceed in my plan but pain so intense I whimper laces through me and then there is someone holding me down and shushing me.
But I do not calm down, because panic laces through me. I start to thrash and fight against the hold, yet it does not budge and once again, I am in pain. And when I still do not calm down, lips crash onto my own and my eyes are now wide open.
And I shatter into millions of little pieces, because it is you.
As brief as my struggle was, it ceases without anymore prompting as I lay still under your lips even as you pull back. The shock is setting in. You are not supposed to be here. And your mask is down and I am watching. I admire the way your lips are pale, just like you, and I find no faults in your face. Why did you have to hide it? I know my eyes are rather wide at the moment, but wouldn't yours be too if you were in my position? Why are you here, Kakashi? You're looking into my eyes and I notice you haven't slept for a while. It hurts, Kakashi. It hurts more than the kunai wounds which were bleeding again. It hurts more than the knowledge of you never truly wanting me.
And for once, I cannot keep my tears from you. Your fingers come to brush the tears away, but it only causes them to flow even more. And I can not close my eyes, but I keep staring at you, willing your image away, wanting you to go away so I do not have to hurt for you anymore. But still, you stay and you pet my hair and I feel save and soothed. Medininjas come into the room and you are forced away, but my eyes never leave your face. I am waiting for you to disappear, vanish.
My bandages are changed, but I do not care. I keep staring at you, trying to decide whether or not you are real. As the staff leaves, you are once again by my side. You take my hand gently into yours and place a gentle kiss on the back of it and I look at you with complete bewilderment on my face. You place my hand on the bed again, but your eyes never leave mine. And I wish, you would hold me so that I could cry. And then you could vanish and leave me again. After all, that is what you wanted, is it not?
"Iruka, I am sorry."
NO! You are not allowed to apologise! Shut up! Kakashi, you are not allowed to apologise! Because if you apologise, then I did something that caused you to feel bad. Please, Kakashi, don't apologise. And I'm sobbing again, and I wrench my eyes off of you. I cannot stand to look at your face, it is too familiar.
You gently pull me into your arms and I cry even harder, this isn't supposed to happen. You were to leave me. You were leaving me! Why did you come back, why?! And then I realise, I've said all of this out loud. And I feel mortified. You were not supposed to hear this, no one was. You tell me you've done wrong. You tell me that I've been the one wronged and that there is nothing you can do to fix it. But can't you see there is! You can leave!
And I spoke out loud again.
You freeze, and I sob. Now I hurt you, my dear Kakashi, I hurt you. My fingers entangle in the fabric of your vest as I hold you to me, keeping you from leaving. I can't lose you again. I already did, and it nearly killed me. You stay, but the warmth you once had has left you. I shiver uncontrollably, as I find myself the one wronging you. I hate myself, Kakashi. I really do. Have you noticed it? You are offering yourself to me, for me to lean on, and I push you away.
Sometimes I wonder, have you ever even wondered how much I hate myself. Even when I had you, I only wanted more. Even when you gave me everything I wanted, except for love, I wanted more. I wanted the things I knew you couldn't give. And now you're offering me a chance and I'm pushing you away but clinging tightly to you. I can't let you go Kakashi. I'll never let you go.
"Kakashi, why are you doing this?"
"Dolphin, I care for you." LIES! You lie, Kakashi, you filthy thieve, you lie!
"But I honestly do, Iruka."
And I push you away and look at you.
"Kakashi, do you realise how much you hurt me?" And you say nothing at all.
Suddenly, the world seems so much darker and I let out a long sigh. Somehow, I knew that happiness wouldn't be something a mere dolphin could have. I turn my head, I can not look at you lest I forgive you without a second thought. You have wronged me Kakashi, but I can't seem to get it through my head.
"I want you, Iruka."
I whimper as I crunch my eyes shut. You're lying, Kakashi, I know you are. You always lie. I fist the sheets in my hands and I look at you with defeat clear in my eyes.
"You have had me all this time, scarecrow."
Why must you realise everything so late, my lovely scarecrow?
