Chapter 3
I stayed on that floor for Lord knows how long.
I couldn't move, couldn't do anything. I literally could not move.
My mind is racing with a million thoughts. How could this be possible? Is my mind playing tricks on me? He looked so real, He spoke, I felt his touch. The human brain cannot create that identical of a person, so was it real? Did this actually happen? Because if this did, I'm going to have to rethink about what I believe in.
I slowly get up, my legs like lead. My heart heavy with sorrow, my mind clouded by disbelief. I walk slowly to the bedroom and collapse on the bed. My eyes are sore and puffy from crying, my face is dry and red. My lips are swollen and taste like salt. I fall asleep within seconds.
The night was cool and breezy, the fire rising up and down like a phoenix. We were all lying around the fire, sharing a joint. "So what do think happens when we die"? James randomly said. James was looking so tired by then, so weak. I just looked at him and I knew, he was tired of life. He was tired of the pain, the morphine, he was tired of living.
"I hope there is a God, up there, just waiting" Davy said, almost dreamily.
"I don't know" Bill said, just staring up at the clouds.
"I believe there's nothing, just that our arses rot in our casket and that's it" Miles said in his always moody voice.
"I want to be dancing up in the stars, just dancing in random itness" James said in a slurry voice, his morphine must be kicking in.
"I believe you get what you believe, if you believe there's nothing, you get nothing. If you believe there is a tunnel, there will be" I said confidently.
"And I also think we should stop talking this, isn't this meant to be a happy trip for James? Why are we talking about this, Why…"
I couldn't take it any longer. Seeing James with his curly brown hair and his stunning blue-green eyes, I don't think I can cope without him. I walk off towards the beach, my wind whipping in my hair. Tears that I was holding back finally pour out of my eyes and onto my face.
I sit down on the smooth sandy beach. The moon reflecting the ocean and casting its silhouette onto my face. The waves crashed back into oblivion and slowly came forward and caressed the sand. I wish I could've told James sooner, but I was always too afraid, too scared. I start throwing sand towards the ocean and wished the water would wash away my fear and my regret.
I feel a hand rub against my back, I turn and there's James standing there. His breaths gone all wheezy and he's heavily relying on his walking stick. "James, what are you doing", I exclaim and I help him sit down on the wet sand. I give him my black coat that's 2 sizes too big for me but fits him perfectly. I drape it around his shoulders, his starts to slide it off.
"James, no"
"But it's cold"
"No, you need it more than I do, so keep it"
He then turns to me, and he puts a hand on my shoulder.
"Are you ok Kelly"? He asks in a sincere voice.
I look at him, his eyes full of sincerity. His face is starting to look gaunt, he barely eats anymore. I need to tell him before its too late.
I kiss him hard on the lips, his lips dry and his breath tainted with morphine. I cradle his face, I stroke his cheek. I try to keep as much of his essence as I could. He finally realizes what's happening and kisses me back. James was my first kiss and he'll probably be my last, he grabs my hip. I pull away first.
"I love you, I have for a long time and I'm so sorry I've only had the guts to tell you now, I just thought I'd have more time with you but…." I trail off and start crying.
He pushes me against his body, using his core strength to support me. I hug his waist, careful not to lean against his legs. I hug him so tight, I don't want to let go. I don't want to lose him; there's hasn't been enough time. While I hug him, I kiss his neck, his face. I leave a trail of tears where those kisses once laid, I smell his skin. He just lets me do what I want; he just strokes my hair and whispers quiet noises in my ear. I finally kiss his lips, more hungry this time. I open my mouth a little wider and i let my tongue trace a little on his lips. He moans, oh his voice is so beautiful. That's what I've always loved about him. His unruly, silk hair and his gorgeous, sexy voice.
We pull away.
"It's time to be heading back, they'll get worried" I told James.
"Yeah" he groans
I grab him by the waist and pull him up onto his feet; he grabs my body and leans against it. I start walking him and me back to the tent.
"Wait" James says tiredly.
I still hold his waist, he lets go of me. I grab his waist even tighter; he puts his hands of either side of my face and gives me a long, lingering kiss. I started to cry, my tears flowing down his fingers and he would very gently wipe the tears away.
"I love you too, Kelly".
I gave him the biggest smile I could ever give, and in return he smiled back. His eyes crinkling at the edges and in that one time, he looked so young and innocent.
When we arrived at the tent, no one said anything but I guess they kind of knew from the way we were still holding each other.
When we finally settled in for the night, I slept next to James. That was already my position anyway, just in case if he was in pain or cried out during the night. I would be there to hold him and kiss his tears away. When the other boys were asleep, I stroked his face and his hair. Halfway through the night, he awakened and smiled at me. Then very quietly and very gently kissed my nose, then we fell asleep in the huddled, cold tent.
I woke up to my silent bedroom apartment. It was 10:00 pm and for once I actually wanted to go back to sleep, rather than wake up.
