"Yeah, you'd better fucking run!" Quote yelled at the horribly damaged Balrog, shaking his fist at him as he ran away squealing for his mommy. Luckily, Balrog automatically repaired the damage dealt to him over time, so he wasn't really in any particular danger of death, even after being curb-stomped 46 times in a row.

"Quote!" King yelled, grabbing his attention. "I forgot where I left my house keys! You gotta go find them!"

"King, for the millionth time, I've hid them in front of Arthur's gravestone in the local graveyard ever since I rebuilt this entire village with my bare hands! You should already know where they are!" Jack reminded him.

"Touché." King mumbled.

"What was that?" Jack asked him somewhat arrogantly.

"Oh, nothing." King replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Wait a minute, you did WHAT?" Quote asked Jack, amazed and impressed by Jack's surprisingly iconic feat of reconstructing Mimiga Town into what it currently was at the time when this story took place.

"What can I say? I'm the best!" Jack explained in an incredibly, strikingly smug manner, complete with placing his hand on his chest and closing his eyes while saying it.

"Anyway, I would be able to get the keys for you if you would just let me into the frigging graveyard!" Jack argued.

"Don't be hasty, Jack." King reminded him. "The graveyard is full of frightening monsters. Especially at night. OOOOOO!" he explained, illuminating his face from below with a flashlight, except that it didn't actually have any effect because the area wasn't even remotely dark at all.

"Oh, bah humbug! Enough of that childish nonsense!" Jack laughed. "I can handle the monsters myself! I'll have you know I was trained long ago in the art of JEEYU-JITSU!"

"Yeah, and I suppose Hitler was also trained in the art of JEEYU-SLAUGHTER." King retorted, crossing his arms, rolling his eyes, and tapping his foot; if anything, he was simply waiting for Jack to stop talking.

"Well, okay, I suppose you got me there, but have you seen my new high score on Tetris-"

"UH-UH!" King signaled, putting his index finger over his lips. "SHH! QUIET! I don't wanna hear about your frigging Tetris high score! No one gives two shits about high scores anymore! Accept it! Dammit, why do you have to be such a fucking narc?"

"I'm just fabulous like that." Jack replied, setting the two of them off into a ridiculously long and overblown argument about the globally important subject of which one of them was more of a douche.

"Um, O-K, I'm just gonna sneak out of here and ignore this conversation, if those two don't mind..." Quote thought to himself as he climbed back up to the top of the village and entered the door that Jack had previously been guarding.

"Umm...what's so scary about this place? Wow, these Mimiga things must be really frigging weak..." Quote thought to himself as he saw the bone-chillingly terrifying reality of the graveyard...at night.

Apart from a single anthropomorphic knife-wielding frog-thing who was presumably the grave-keeper, the only monsters that were even there to begin with were these cutesy little mushroom things that if I do say so myself were actually almost as adorable as Toroko.

"Damn, I really do feel bad for killing these things..." Quote thought to himself as he shot the mushrooms dead. "I do like the fact that they're dropping more Doritos for me to eat, though."

"Whoa, my weapon just upgraded!" Quote realized. "The shots became a lot bigger! What's in those Doritos anyway? Interstellar steroids?"

Just then, the grave-keeper appeared, brandishing his knife. Quote screamed like a girl, but then he realized that the man was actually absurdly slow and in fact rather sluggish and inept with the weapon itself, probably due to old age.

"Wow, he's as slow as molasses climbing up a hill in January...with crutches!" Quote amusingly thought to himself as he effortlessly jumped over the grave-keeper and shot him in the back.

"Hmm...looks like I just killed the grave-keeper." Quote realized. "Oh, whatever, he'll just re-spawn when I come back to this area anyway, so who cares?" Quote additionally realized, shrugging his shoulders.

Suddenly, as Quote reached what was presumably Arthur's gravestone at the top of the graveyard, Jack somehow snuck up right behind him. "Hello, friend."

"AAA!" Quote screamed. "You startled me!"

"Good." Jack smirked. "I'm cool like that."

"Anyway, swag aside," Quote sighed, "what exactly is so special about Arthur's tombstone? I mean, don't get me wrong, I remember a certain pizza brand in Texas that was called Tombstone, and it was admittedly pretty good for frozen pizza, if you catch my drift..."

"WHAT?" Jack stammered. "Y-y-you don't k-know w-what's so s-special about...Arthur's...T-TOMBSTONE?! ENVIFVCDIYQGVISXYGYWGSUWNWZONOTNVRICBEXOEMXWPWS!"

"Um, once you finish that whole writhing on the floor roaring like an animal thing you're doing-"

"I AM AN ANIMAL!" Jack growled at him.

"-maybe you could actually give me a real answer to my question rather than just having a total seizure." Quote suggested. "What exactly IS so important about Arthur's gravestone? What did he do? Who did he date? When did he die? Why is he remembered? Where did he die?"

"Ugh...always with the fucking QUESTIONS!" Jack groaned. "Anyway, you see, the reason why I'm making such a huge fuss about this stupid rock here is because...well...it represents the death of a very important man! I don't really wanna talk about it, but...well, here goes!"

ONE HALF-HOUR LATER...

"...and to make a long story short, Arthur was a beautiful and handsome man, like me except even more so, who pretty much fit the noble knight stereotype to a T in basically every single department except for the shiny armor and corny one-liners." Jack explained. "Oh, and, on a semi-related side note...he also got eaten and defecated by Shrek's cousin who used to be a football player for the Redskins back when he was originally human."

"So, do you have anything specific to ask me about this wonderfully tragic tale of woe, Quote?" Jack asked him.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS A SHREK?!" Quote asked in response.

"Oh my fucking god..." Jack face-palmed.

"Anyway," Jack continued, "as you probably already remember, this right here is what we call Arthur's tombstone. Oh, I see you're reading the text on the stone, aren't you?"

"It says: MANY HEROES SHALL FALL, BUT ONLY ONE SHALL DELIVER THE UNFORGETTABLE QUOTE OF JUSTICE." Quote read earnestly. "Hey, what do you know, it's ME!"

"Indeed, this stone is the best rock ever!" Jack realized.

"Rock and ROLL!" Quote agreed.

"Pray to the stone. Worship the stone." Jack suddenly began chanting.

"Touch the stone." Jack continued. "LICK THE STONE...lick the stone, lick the stone, lick the stone, lick the stone, lick the stone, lick the stone. Stone, stone, stone, stone, stone, stone."

"Umm...what in God's name is up with him?" Quote asked King. "He seems to be acting a little...crazy. I mean, honestly, he's literally writhing on the floor right now, mumbling and whispering dramatically about wanting to fuck someone's tombstone as we speak!"

"Oh, don't worry about him." King encouraged Quote. "He's just on his typical mushroom high again. Nothing special. It sure does crack me up, though."

"Agreed." Quote agreed, cracking open a beer with King and just watching Jack's ridiculous antics, which included but were not limited to humping someone's tombstone for no apparent reason, unfold.

Once those shenanigans were over with, Jack was sent to his room for a nap while Quote unlocked the door to Arthur's house, used the desktop computer inside to activate the house's handy-dandy teleportation device which eerily resembled the save stations from Super Metroid, and embarked on his journey to and through the Egg Corridor.