Disclaimer: I own nothing recognisable as belonging to Bellasario and/or Walt Disney. And/or anyone else. Since I fail at sticking to Disney. Woops.
A/N: Okay so I really wanted to include everyone, and SOMEHOW this became a fic about … Gerald. With Ducky, Tony and Abby being their usual selves, of course. Consider this a pre-series oneshot. Somewhere between funny and crazy? (Abby stars as Odette, Tony as Puffin, Gerald is Jean-Bob and Ducky is Speed).
No Fear
From Colombia Tristar's The Swan Princess
Odette: We're off on a mission
We're tough; in good condition
Puffin: We're short
Odette: But standing tall
All: No fear!
Odette: There's danger around us
Jean-Bob: They'd hurt us if they found us
Speed: Our backs are to the wall
All: No fear!
Odette: 'Cause we have all the courage we require
Puffin: Take it from a frequent flyer
Odette: Try your luck
Odette & Puffin: Our plan will fly
All: No fear!
Jean-Bob: This plan if applied'll
Be simply suicidal!
You'll be a sitting duck
All: No fear!
Jean-Bob: Suppose that I do this
Who knows if we'll live through this?
How 'bout a kiss for luck?
Odette: No
Puffin & Speed: Fear
Odette: Our team is shy one green, web-footed volunteer
Jean-Bob: No way, Jose
No chance!
Speed: No choice
Odette & Puffin: No fear!
All: No fear!
No fear!
No fear!
We will take any dare that the other side'll dare to dream up
We'll fight tough; we'll play fair
But we're sure to win because we'll team up.
Jean-Bob: I'm shaking!
I'm leaking!
Speed: He's freaking, frankly speaking
Jean-Bob: We're riding for a fall
All: No fear!
Jean-Bob: She's gaining!
She's faster!
We're heading for disaster!
Puffin: Our hero, warts and all!
All: No fear!
Jean-Bob: I would be fine if one of us knew how to steer!
Puffin: Get a grip!
Speed: Get set
Puffin: That's our respect!
Jean-Bob: No breaks!
Speed: No sweat
Puffin: And no regrets!
Jean-Bob: We're dead!
Speed: Not yet
Jean-Bob: Oh no, not there!
All: No fear!
"Y'all are crazy, you know that?" Gerald Jackson informed his colleagues, shaking his head despairingly. He had known them to come up with some mad schemes before, but this was insane even for Abby Sciuto. Said forensic scientist pouted slightly as she leaned closer to him.
"What's the worst that could happen, Gerald?" she asked, trying, he suspected, to sound persuasive. He snorted.
"Other than Gibbs finding out and killing me slowly and painfully?" he asked dryly.
"He won't find out," Tony DiNozzo chimed in. "He'll never suspect you, Gerald. He'll assume it was Abby or me and storm around glaring at us for a few hours, until his inner lie-detector realizes that we're being totally honest when we say that we're not responsible."
"But you will be responsible," Gerald pointed out. "You're the ones putting me up to it."
"Yeah, but it's much easier to hide that from Gibbs than if we do it ourselves," DiNozzo argued, somewhat convincingly. Gerald shook his head again.
"Y'all are definitely crazy," he muttered.
"They do have a point, Gerald," chuckled his mentor, Donald 'Ducky' Mallard. "Of everyone in this building, you, my boy, are possibly the least likely suspect."
"That's because I'm too smart to do it in the first place!"
"But just think about how great an achievement it would be to pull it off," Abby pointed out excitedly. "Knowing you'd got one over on Gibbs? Now that would be something to be proud of. Everyone would be like, super-impressed."
"Only if they knew, which would mean I had died because Gibbs would know too," he argued right back, and Abby scowled.
"I really resent that you think any of us would be stupid enough to tell Gibbs," she sulked.
"If he were holding your Caf-Pow ransom? You'd sell me out in a heartbeat," Gerald scoffed, unmoved by her mock-hurt expression. She knew it was true, just as he did, and he refused to be guilted into partaking in their ridiculous ideas.
"We have too much on Abby for her to do that," Tony intervened confidently. "We all know far too much about one another to ever sell each other out, even to Gibbs – or especially to Gibbs, depending on how you look at it. If Abby ratted you out, you could tell him what really happened to his favourite jacket – the one I convinced him he really hadn't left in the office over the weekend last month."
"Tony!" Abby exclaimed, clearly scandalised. "You promised!"
"Incidentally, whatever did happen to that jacket?" Ducky asked, amusement colouring his tone. "I could have sworn I saw a picture of it on television …"
"You did," Tony smirked. "The guy in that recruitment ad for the Housing for the Homeless project has a jacket very, VERY similar to Gibbs' missing one. You know – that program that Abby just happens to be very involved in?"
"Oh, Abigail," Ducky said with a small chortle, and she rolled her eyes.
"Gibbs has loads of jackets!" she said defensively. "And Marcus isn't just some guy paid to advertise – he's one of the guys whose life has been changed by the project. His house was burned down when he was thirteen – he lived on the streets for eight years, before he came to the attention of the project leader. He's never been happier – and that jacket looks so good on him! Just because he has a house now doesn't mean he's rich. He didn't even have a jacket before. And it makes him look distinguished – like the silver-haired fox."
"So let me get this straight – you stole Gibbs' favourite jacket and gave it to a formerly-homeless man for a TV ad?" Gerald clarified, and Abby nodded happily. He shook his head for the umpteenth time. "And you wonder why I don't want to get involved in your plans."
"Look, if Gibbs hasn't figured that out yet, then surely it shows that he won't figure out that you're involved?!" Abby tried.
"Even if I did agree to this – which, for the record, I'm not –" he emphasised, and her face fell, "but even if I did, who's to say we wouldn't get caught? I happen to have become quite accustomed to opposable thumbs!"
"Is there really anything Gibbs could do to you that wouldn't be worth getting us to leave you alone?" Tony asked with a grin, and Gerald rolled his eyes.
"Oh yeah."
"Gerald …" Ducky said with a resigned shake of the head. "I fear I must agree. Their presence here is interfering with your work, which is interfering with my work, which in turn is interfering with Gibbs' work. Either way we're going to have one very unhappy Special Agent on our hands. It might be easier if you were just to agree and get the worst over with."
"No thanks, Doc," Gerald replied flatly, but the good doctor merely laughed.
"I don't really see that you have a choice," he pointed out. "Either you agree now, and that's the end of the matter, or you continue to argue the point for so long that one of two things happens – one, Gibbs gets angry at the lack of a Senior Field Agent on his team, and you have to bear with his anger anyway, or two, you go crazy with their continued presence and give in anyway. Either way, I'd say you're fighting a losing battle, my boy!"
"Thanks for the support, Doc," Gerald muttered out of the corner of his mouth as Abby bounced on the spot and clapped happily, and Tony produced a folded piece of paper from his inside jacket pocket, beaming.
"Any time," Ducky promised, turning his attention onto some paperwork. Gerald groaned aloud as Tony dragged him over to an empty table and slapped the unfolded sheet of paper in front of him.
"All right, Gerald," he said briskly, "here's the deal. While Abby's busy distracting Gibbs in quadrant C, here, I'll be keeping watch at the entrance to quadrant B. Ducky will have his eyes on quadrant A, just in case Abs loses the boss man, and I've managed to recruit half a dozen of the girls downstairs to guard quadrant D with their lives. Meanwhile, you'll be in quadrant B – I'm your backup – and this is your action plan. Memorise it. Do it. Then forget it. Eat this paper once you know your mission off by heart." He folded the piece of paper to Gerald with a sombre nod. "All right then. Operation Sweeten Gibbs' Coffee will commence tomorrow at zero-nine-hundred. Campfire over."
DiNozzo and Abby swept from the room looking far too confident, and definitely far too pleased with themselves. Ducky was smiling slightly as he pulled on his scrubs, instructing Gerald to lay out Petty Officer Garrett on the table, and Gerald once again shook his head as he slid the piece of paper into his drawer. The least they could have done was come up with a decent code name.
A/N: I'm really not sure what to say. I always love the rare occasions when Gerald actually talks and makes jokes, and I thought there was a need for this. I guess this is the part where I apologise …? Haha. Well, I had fun writing it, anyway, which was the main objective! Hope you got some laughs out of it anyway.
