Chapter Three
Rude Things Come In Small Packages
Dr. Ludwig's POV
I hate a mother fucking vampire more than just about any creature in creation. As far as the undead assholes go, I could say that I hated Eric Northman less than most vamps. He was no non-sense about his dealing with me, never rude but always business like. But today he made my shit list for all eternity.
The first time the Viking shit head called for a little something to help his recently deceased girly-girl get some rest on the way to New Orleans. I told him to fuck off, I was on my way to a small island far away from Louisiana. A small island with no vampires. Besides, why would she need help sleeping, vamps slept during the daytime and since he was one, shouldn't he know that shit already? I hung up on him.
Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. I answered and immediately spewed obscenities into the phone. Damn, pushy bloodsucker just wasn't taking no for an answer. Unfortunately, it was Andre, Sophie-Ann LeClerqs brown noser. I am indentured to the Queen for reasons that are nobody's fucking business, so when Andre "suggested" that I should delay my vacation until after I had found a way to help Northman with his problem, I threw the telephone and embedded it into the drywall and decided to do as was suggested.
"Son of a mother fucking dried up cock-sucking shit shoveler!!!!" I bellowed to no one in particular. I really didn't need this fucking shit.
The last time I'd gone to see Northman and Sookie, she'd refused to allow me in the same room as her, let alone examine her. So she was depressed, so frigging what! It happens to a lot of these silly ass humans that think they know what it means to live forever. Forever is a really long time and nine times out of ten, the maker and the child end up hating each other. I know of very few exceptions, one being Sophie-Ann and Andre the asshole. They have been companions for a coons age. But I firmly believe that no one, and I mean NO ONE can look at the same face forever and not feel a little resentful about it, I don't care how pretty the package is.
And Northman did have a pretty package. I'd seen it once when things had gotten a little too rough between him and that Pam. She'd caused some pretty bad damage with her fangs when she'd gotten a little overzealous during a blow job. I hadn't seen a schlong that big since that John Holmes movie marathon on the Spice Channel. Hey, fuck you, I'm old and tiny but I'm not dead. So yeah, I know the charms of Eric Northman, I've seen his biggest attractant first hand. Actually, I saw to it with two hands. HUGE.
He's got that Stackhouse woman now. She's pretty but she ain't all that for two vamps to have been fighting over her. Bill Compton was a fool to have thought he could best the Viking. There was nothing in my arsenal to fix what had been done to him in New Orleans, that's for damn sure.
I made it to my medicine pantry and slid the rolling ladder along the wall to the section of potent powders and elixirs that I rarely used. For one, they were hard to come by. And two, there was very rarely any call for them, they were expensive and most vampires and supes guarded their wealth as jealously as they guarded their existence. There was only one thing that had ever been documented as being a successful sedative for supernatural beings, Tetrodotoxin. It is a toxin found in puffer fish, some poisonous frogs and toads. It causes paralysis in humans, sometimes fatally but acts like a general anesthetic, like diprivan would on a mortal. The powdered form could be combined with blood and given orally, injections would not work on a vampire, they have no heartbeat to circulate it.
I found the little blue glass jar and made my way back out to the living room. With some effort I dug the phone out of the wall and was happy to get a dial tone. I lost more fucking phones that way.
"I am here."
"Good for you, fuck face. I will be there momentarily, make sure you leave the front door open." I could only apparate if the door to the place was ajar and the owner was expecting me.
"Very well." Click. Nice manners, corpse-boy. Although I had called him fuck face. I guess he didn't understand that was a term of endearment for me.
I grabbed my bag and the tetrodotoxin and popped from my house into his. Nothing could have prepared me for what greeted me. From down below I heard Sookie screaming.
"Get that fucking midget out of my house!" She'd always been such a well-mannered young lady. Even when she'd refused my services last time she'd been nice about it.
I popped from upstairs to down in the sub-level and what I saw was horrifying. Sookie was bleeding from her eyes, her ears, her mouth, her nose, blood even ran down her legs from what I assumed were the last two holes in her body's openings inventory. She screamed when she saw me and pointed a finger. Then, the laughter started. The deep, booming, laughter that was not a sound that could have naturally come out of a woman.
"Boszorkány! Megvetendő kurvája a szarvas volt!" (Witch! Despicable whore of the horned one!)
"Northman, does Sookie normally speak Hungarian?" I was trying to keep my cool.
"I have only ever heard her speak English and Norse, my language."
"Well add a third to that. Whom has she drank from that may know this language?"
"No one!"
"She's gotten blood from someone who knows it or she's been using Rosetta Stone behind your back! I know Hungarian because I am from Hungary!"
"I can think of no one!"
"Tudom, hogy a bűn, apró démon! Emlékszem, hogyan csökkent a kegyelem!" (I know your sin, tiny demon! I remember how you fell from grace!)
"Mondd meg a neved, szellem!" (Tell me your name, spirit!)
"Én vagyok a lány, aki fürdik a vérben, az ártatlanokat, hogy szépsége! És most én vagyok otthon megint. Bow emelkedett a kedvese!" (I am she who bathed in the blood of innocents to maintain her beauty! And now I am home once again. Bow to your risen mistress!)
"Northman, I need to see you upstairs right now." I popped back upstairs and he followed me immediately via the staircase. He stood firmly on top of what I knew was the trap door to the basement.
"You've got some major fucking trouble here."
"How astute an observation that is, Doctor."
"Shut the fuck up and listen to me. I have something to sedate her with and I'm going to have to inject it into your arm so she can drink it from you. She'll catch on otherwise." He didn't ask questions or argue but instead held his wrist out.
I drew blood from his brachial artery and put it into a cup he'd retrieved from the kitchen area. I mixed a half teaspoon of the powder with it and drew it up into another syringe. I injected the solution into his right wrist.
"Whatever you do, don't think about what just occurred here and don't offer her the wrist that I've injected the solution into. She's wiley."
His face was somber as he made his way back down the stairs in a flash.
I didn't even have the heart to say something sarcastic or shitty to him. He had a rough row to hoe ahead of him and I felt the deepest sympathy for Eric Northman. I didn't personally believe that he'd ever find his Sookie amidst all the insanity that had taken her over. I popped out of the Northman household and back into the safety of mine.
