Chapter 3
(A/N) pre warning panic attack and slight mention of some sort self harm, so dont read if your affected by that
The following nights had not been easy ones for Sam, Lucifer's current vessel was wearing out, almost splitting at the seams. He was getting impatient, angry and desperate. It made him go after the hunter with so much more force than before. Castiel did not know what visions had been played out before Sam's very eyes as he slept- he liked to pretend they weren't happening and Castiel would never invade his privacy by taking a look himself. More than anything he hoped the horrendous scenes his mind came up with were so much worse than what Sam had to experience.
The Winchester's had left Bobby's three days ago now and Dean was once again passed out drunk in their motel room. Sam had fought to stay awake as long as possible, kept himself busy with making sure his older brother wouldn't end up choking on his own vomit. Inevitably though he could only fight off sleep for so long before he was forced to crawl into bed.
He only planned to close his eyes for two minutes but before he even counted to ten, his brain had pulled him under.
Castiel appeared next to him seconds later.
Lucifer didn't give Sam a moment to rest. Descending on his dreams in a heartbeat. Almost as soon as Sam drifted off he began to show signs that the torment was already taking hold.
Castiel had a horrible feeling tonight was going to be a bad one.
An hour later and he was well and truly being proven right.
For the first time since the nightmares started, Sam began to make noises in his sleep. He tossed, he turned, he whimpered, he begged. His limbs shot everywhere, his muscles were tense, his breathing was getting more and more erratic. He cried out for Dean over and over. His body curled as small as his frame would allow, his face buried in the pillows one moment, then flung around the next.
Dean was too far gone under the alcohols influence to hear him. A quick visit from Castiel, ensured the occupants of the next few rooms were too.
The angel had never seen Sam react like this before and he found himself cursing Lucifer ten times over. If he thought for a moment any kind of confrontation wouldn't end in his own death, Castiel would have been pulling the guts out of the devils abdomen by now.
He settled for brushing a hand through Sam's hair.
As angry as he was, his death would amount to nothing and Sam would be left to deal with the devil's onslaughts alone. He could never do that to him.
Sam whimpered again and Castiel's chest felt like it as being ripped in two.
By now he had desperately tried every method he had come to know to calm him, to help him in some way.
All attempts had failed.
Sam had only gotten worse.
His cheeks were tearstained, his body trembling, all colour was gone from his face. Even Castiel could see he was absolutely terrified.
What use was being an Angel when he couldn't spare his friend from this?
As Sam's jaw locked and his fists clenched in agony, Castiel could not bear to watch it anymore.
So he broke his own rule.
He got of the bed, and as Sam twisted onto his back, Castiel reached down and gripped his forearms.
"Sam wake up." He said roughly, shaking him slightly.
Sam did not wake and the tears continued to pour down his face as he pleaded for it to stop, for Lucifer to just leave him be.
"Sam you need to wake up!"
He tried again and again, shaking him harder each time be spoke.
He knew Sam's body needed him to rest, but this wasn't rest, this was torture and Castiel couldn't let him suffer through it for a moment longer. His actions were getting violent and the angel feared he would end up hurting himself. Or worse, he would awake at the same time as Dean and force himself to pretend none of it happened. That he was fine.
He couldn't let him do that. Not this time. Whether Sam admitted it or not he needed to talk to someone about this. He couldn't keep bottling it all up.
It would end up breaking him if he did.
"Sam, WAKE UP."
He shook him so hard Sam's head slammed backwards. The jolt was enough to break him free of Lucifer's clutches and as his eyes snapped open, the hunter instantly lunged forward.
"Get away from me!" He screamed, lashing out with his arms and legs, trying to force himself as far away from the person holding him as possible. "Get away, you're not real, you're not real."
Cas kept his grip firm, silently apologising for the bruises he was sure Sam was going to end up sustaining. He had to hold him though, he didn't know what he would do to himself in this state if he did not.
"I am real, Sam you're awake, calm down."
He didn't seem to be listening.
He was in full out panic mode. Fight or flight. His body working over time, not comprehending anything but shot so full of adrenaline that it just had to keep moving.
"PLEASE, PLEASE STOP."
His breathing was erratic, he couldn't tell the difference between what Lucifer was projecting into his head and what he was actually seeing. His eyes were wild and dilated. He was trying to scratch at everything and anything, the bedding, the lamp, Castiel, his own skin.
Castiel was becoming desperate.
He let go of his arms and grabbed at his wrists instead, trying to ignore Sam's discoloured fingernails, the boys own blood soaking underneath them.
He had to calm him down.
Now.
He had to stop this before Sam hyperventilated to the point he rendered himself unconscious. Then he really would be stuck with Lucifer.
With no way of pulling him out.
Sam thrashed again, trying to claw at Castiel's coat.
"Sam listen to me." He demanded.
Sam kicked out in response, his foot catching Castiel right in the stomach. It didn't hurt him, didn't even cause him to flinch, but the sheer force behind it took the angel by surprise. He was certainly strong for a human.
Sam threw his head back against the wall, pleading.
"Stop- Please."
There it was again, that one word which seemed to make every inch of Castiel want to do whatever Sam desired. It tugged at parts of him he didn't understand, made his chest feel so much tighter. It ached with the need to help him.
"I'm not him Sam." Castiel declared, his voice quiet, begging Sam to hear him and not whatever Lucifer based hallucination he was seeing.
Sam kept fighting, thrusting against Castiel's arms with all his strength. His breathing got worse, he was gasping for air, but he would not stop pushing himself to his absolute limits.
Castiel was at a complete loss as to what to do.
He felt so useless, Lucifer knew everything Sam knew, there was no way to get through to him, nothing he could say which Lucifer probably hadn't said to Sam before. He was the type of Angel who would rejoice in the ultimate torture; Letting someone believe they were free then proving them wrong. It wouldn't surprise Castiel in the slightest to learn that he'd done just that to Sam before.
As Sam cried out again, gasping for breath but seemingly unable to catch it, Castiel closed his eyes and racked his brain for one last thing to try.
"Beer Sandwiches." He yelled out. It was the most random, most insignificant thing Castiel could think of. Something Lucifer would never deem a memory worth touching. There would be no reason for it to ever get a mention, there was nothing remotely meaningful about a soggy piece of bread.
Yet at the same time, there was. To them at least.
It seemed to work.
Sam stopped moving, stopped fighting, in an instant.
He just stared right at him.
Then, ever so slowly his eyes became more focused and they no longer looked like they were about to bulge out of his skull. Instead they locked onto the figure above him who was still pinning him to the wall.
"Cas?" He wheezed.
The room was so dark, he could only just make out the features staring back at him. The figure nodded all the same and loosened his hold.
"Your awake Sam, this is real."
Sam's eyes darted around every inch of the room, taking it all in. It looked no different to the area he was locked in, in his mind. Dean was there, Castiel was there, there were the same stains on the walls, the same smell of booze. The only thing that was different between the two scenes was that Dean was asleep here. He felt bile rise up the back of his throat, the panic starting all over again.
"Look at me, feel my grip, it feels different to him doesn't it." Castiel injected, looking him directly in the eyes. Sam's attention turned to the angels hands, then back to his face. He didn't understand what he meant. "This is real Sam."
Then all of a sudden he did.
Slowly he nodded and Castiel released his hands completely.
"Your warm." Sam whispered.
It was Castiel's turn to nod. Lucifer could influence many things, his core temperature was not one of them. That was the one difference that Sam could always rely on. The one he needed to store inside his head and pull at whenever things got too confusing.
Lucifer was cold. Castiel was not.
Sam shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself as he drew his knees to his chest. His breathing was still everywhere, but at least he had regained his sense of place. He saw Castiel moving, but paid little attention to it. He already knew where he was going, he didn't need to watch him fly away. He had done his job, he'd kept Sam from saying yes, now was his time to disappear.
Sam fought the voice down that was begging him to stay. To not leave him alone in the darkness.
He shivered violently.
And Castiel appeared in his vision again.
Sam looked up as the angel sat down in front of him. He narrowed his eyes in confusion as Castiel held out a soft grey blanket towards him, one he had long ago kicked to the floor. He understood the gesture almost instantly and reached out for it. Wrapping it around himself like a cocoon and tugging the edges till they met in the centre.
He had never been so grateful for warmth.
Despite this he shivered again, his shoulders trembling as he tried to steady his breathing. He knew where he was, he knew he was safe, but that didn't mean the memories weren't still at the forecourt of his mind.
Lucifer's laugh, the blade, Dean's hands, the tightness around his neck. He could feel the air being sucked out of him, his head becoming heavy, his vision darkening. There were spots, so many spots and Dean's laugh - Lucifers, Deans, Cas' all mixed into one single noise. Sam's pleading coming out in chokes. The words. Monster, Vampire, worthless, untrustable. It wasn't his brother saying this his mind tried to scream at him. Yet it was, every single word picked from a memory. They were repeated over and over. Freak, inhuman, something to be hunted. Then there was the fists, the grips, the pain. The-
"Sam." Castiel was there again, his hand on his shoulder this time, shaking him firmly, forcing the thoughts from his head.
He gasped for air, not even realising he had stopped breathing.
He gripped at his head, tugging at his hair and he tried desperately to get some oxygen into his lungs.
When had breathing become so hard?
He could feel the blood pounding through his ears, his heart beating so fast he thought it was going to crack his ribs. He wanted to crawl out of his own skin. His head was killing and everywhere just ached. He wondered if Lucifer was still with him and horror seized him.
Castiel's hand was on his back now, rubbing up and down.
"You must calm down."
Sam wished he could.
"I-I can't..."
"Yes you can, your strong Sam, believe me, you can do this ."
Sam did not look like he believed him.
"Listen to me... Breathe in." Castiel said softly and Sam swore he had never heard a gentler tone coming from him. He shook his head though, he couldn't, he couldn't do it. Nonetheless Castiel didn't give up. He repeated the statement, nodding his head encouragingly, the pattern being drawn on Sam's back not once stopping.
"Breathe in Sam, breathe in."
Finally Sam did. Shakily, but he did.
"Now hold your breath."
He did that too, confusion and panic and a thousand other emotions passing across his face.
If it was any other time, Castiel would have marvelled at Sam's ability to be so worked up yet still manage to show such trust in another. He could see it in his eyes, the absolute conviction that whatever was going on, he could rely on his and Dean's guardian angel.
"And breathe out."
It was far from steady or continuous, but with great effort he was able to force the air out of his lungs.
Castiel gave him a reassuring smile, then repeated the process all over again.
It was a good five minutes before Sam managed to do all three without first being prompted. It took a little longer for his heart beat to start slowing back down. Castiel did not stop his hand's movement until he felt Sam's back completely relax and his chest, start rising and falling at its normal rhythm. As soon as he was sure it was no longer needed , he quickly drew his hand away.
Sam immediately sank back against the wall, absolutely exhausted. Every cell in his body felt like it had all its energy sucked out of it. His feet, hands, arms and legs just ached and he felt sick to his stomach. He was pretty sure he was going to end up vomiting and quickly looked around for somewhere to aim for which would not end up hitting the angel.
Freaking out in front of him was one thing, but he was unsure how Castiel would react to getting covered with the insides of his stomach.
"Do you need anything?"
"Water?"
Castiel was not sure why that was said as if it was a question, but he got to his feet and headed to the bathroom all the same.
Sam gulped the whole thing down without a break, his arm shaking as he handed the glass back to Castiel. God he needed to sleep now more than ever, but just the thought of trying again filled him with dread.
"Thanks Cas."
"Do you require anything else Sam?"
Sam shook his head as he rested it in the palm of his hands, his elbow propped against his thigh to support the weight. He could see the purple bruising already forming and the scratches that ran down his arms. They were going to be hard to explain to Dean in the morning.
"I'm sorry Sam, I did not mean to mark you."
Castiel said quietly, picking up on the grimace he did as he took in the contusions. Lucifer left mental scarring, Castiel apparently left physical. He was ashamed of himself. He should have found another way other than restraint.
"What?... No Cas, I get it. I don't care about them, I just care that I'm awake."
Castiel couldn't help but feel like that was part of the problem.
Sam sighed, drawing himself back up so he could lean back against the wall again. He needed coffee, lots and lots of coffee. He briefly saw Cas look up to the heavens before he squeezed his eyes shut.
"You need to go." He stated, trying to ignore the dread which was building up in his stomach.
"Yes, Balthazar has found something."
Sam nodded and swallowed hard. He was being ridiculous, he would be fine. The angel had already spent too much time with him as it was.
"Unless you wish for me to stay." Castiel continued, looking at Sam carefully. He was starting to understand these types of questions needed to be asked, Sam would never volunteer the information on his own.
"What?" Sam replied, genuinely shocked that Castiel would even consider just sitting with him. "No, No, its fine, people have it way worse than me, I'm f-"
"Sam if the next word out of your mouth is fine, okay, or some other variation of those words I will take away your ability to say them" Castiel interrupted, his expression deadly serious. He was starting to think he should get the boy a dictionary which explained those terms in great detail. He seemed to have one hell of a knack for misusing them.
Maybe it was a Winchester thing.
"You can do that?" Sam asked, avoiding answering the original question completely. It wasn't entirely on purpose, he was genuinely curious.
"Let's not find out. You are not fine, stop pretending you are, you don't have to hide anything with me"
Castiel watched Sam carefully as his blank expression broke ever so briefly and for perhaps the first true time the angel got a glimpse into what this was actually like for him.
"Do you want me to stay until Dean awakes?"
Sam looked for a moment like he was going to say no, but his resolve broke and he nodded twice.
"If I'm on my own, I'm afraid I'll start thinking about it again and it will be like he's here, like it's still happening."
Castiel dipped his head in understanding, because he did, understand that is.
Stiffly he sat himself on the edge of Sam's bed.
"Did you know that the discovery of REM sleep was delayed due to the scientists involved not wanting to waste paper?"
Sam creased his brow in confusion and drew his lips together in amusement. That was the first, but certainly not the last fact Castiel came out with that night. From coffee beans to the first known civilisation. He told it him all.
When Dean woke hours later to find them sat at the computer, researching airplane model shops he just rolled his eyes and locked himself in the bathroom.
He didn't even want to know.
