Sometimes Grace Continuity: Concurrent with Sometimes Grace IX: "Horizon: Perspective."


III

On Horizon

Shepard's fist hit the punching bag with another satisfying smack, and another wispy, blonde curl fell out of her messy bun and into her face. A bead of sweat dripped off it into her eyes. It stung, but Shepard ignored it. She shut out everything, everything but the working muscle groups. She'd been at this for hours, but she still wasn't aching, because of Cerberus's stupid cybernetics. The scars were starting to heal, but Beth still felt like a freaking Frankenstein's monster. She could fight for hours without breaking down, but she couldn't get piss-drunk. Not for more than a few minutes, anyway. Then her body's chemistry adjusted automatically, and she was fine. Shepard kicked out again and felt her foot connect. Once upon a time by this point she would have been bone-tired and too sore to move. She wanted that again so badly it hurt.

Shepard fell face-first to the floor and caught herself on her hands. She did five pushups. Ten. Fifty. So many she lost count, and then she was up and at the punching bag again. Her knuckles were red, but she knew they should be blue and green, swollen, split and bleeding from all the abuse.

"Shepard."

A voice. Shepard ignored it.

"Shepard!"

"What?" Beth snapped.

"You've been down here for hours. You haven't eaten all day. You're scaring everyone down here in engineering. Grunt says you're in a blood rage. Jack's worried. Jack. Says you've lost your shit. I'm starting to believe her."

"Well, screw them! And screw you, too! Just—"

"Shepard."

Beth swung at the punching bag again, missed, and stalked off. She slid down against the wall by the shuttle. One, two, three seconds, and sure enough, the tears choked up her throat and burned her eyes. Beth buried her head in her hands and bit her tongue so hard the blood came, metallic in her mouth, an old habit from childhood she hadn't needed for years, but now it was the only thing keeping her from sobbing.

She pushed her hair back from her face, and glared up at Garrus, who was still standing there being useless. "Damn you, Vakarian! Damn you!" Her voice was a broken string. "I was handling it. I was fine. Why'd they go to you, huh? Why'd you have to come? Don't answer that. You always pull this shit, and it doesn't suit you. I don't need you. I'm fine. I'm fine."

"If you're fine, that's the best imitation of messed up I've ever seen. Shepard. Talk to me."

Shepard scrubbed at her face with her hands and groaned. "Garrus, they took half that colony," she mumbled from behind her hands. "We were there, and they took half that colony. We were supposed to stop it. We're supposed to be better. I'm supposed to be better. I'm Commander Fucking Shepard. Some job of it I did." She shook her head. "Not one more. You hear me? Not one more."

Beside her, Garrus chuffed softly as he sat next to her, just like old times against the Mako. "We were late to the scene, Shepard. You can't blame yourself for that. Next time we'll get them. We're getting ready, and when we have all we need, we'll take those bastards down."

Beth massaged her temples. "We better. They're pissing me off. You know why they picked Horizon, don't you? You know why they went there."

Garrus nodded. "Kaidan. The Collectors are working for the Reapers, Shepard. I think you've pissed the Reapers off, too, if it makes you feel any better."

Beth scoffed. "Yeah. Not much. All those people, Garrus!"

"And Kaidan?" Garrus prompted.

Not for the first time, Beth wished that Garrus was just a little stupider. She shook her head. "Mind your own damn business." Garrus raised his hands, and started to rise. Shepard grimaced and caved. Of course she didn't really want him to go. "I shouldn't blame him," she said. "If it had been him dying, staying dead two years, then coming back Cerberus and wanting to be friends again . . ." she laughed, really half hysterical. "Forget telling him where to stick it, I might've shot him. I know what Cerberus is. I know what this looks like. He has no reason to believe this is on the level, no reason to trust me. The Alliance deserves his loyalty—"

"—So do you," Garrus broke in.

His ferocity surprised her into looking up. "Do I? I don't even know what I am. I don't know what all Cerberus has done to me, but I'm not the person I was two years ago. I don't even know if I qualify as human anymore, all the stuff they put in me. For all I know I'm something like EDI." She winced. "No. That wasn't fair. I actually like the damned AI. It's not her fault. She tries so hard, too. I'm something like . . . like those husks.

"Shepard. Shut up. You're you. Maybe with a little extra. But you're you. Stubborn as hell, and just a little crazy." Garrus's mandibles flared in a turian smile. "I'm pretty sure husks don't spend time worrying about their humanity . . . or lack thereof, I guess. And I don't think our resident baby krogan and psychopath would waste time worrying about a husk. More likely just blow it up."

Shepard had to smile at that. It was true enough.

"Anyway, I think I could tell if you weren't you. You see some strange things on Omega."

Shepard hissed in a sharp breath. It was like Garrus had reached right into her ribcage and squeezed. She dropped her gaze and bit her tongue again. The best part was, it wasn't just what she wanted to hear. Garrus didn't do that. Ever.

After another moment, she felt she could speak. "About Kaidan," she admitted. "It's stupid, but I do blame him. I understand why things went down the way they did. I do. I would've done the same thing. Probably wouldn't have been as nice about it. But I blame him anyway. And it hurts, and God, we could've used him." She closed her eyes tight and wrapped her arms around her torso.

"Kaidan's an idiot," Garrus told her. Then he dropped his eyes. "But he was pretty messed up when you died. I guess we all handled it differently."

Beth snorted. "Yeah. You left C-Sec, went to Omega, and started shooting people."

"Well, we all saw how well that turned out."

Beth immediately felt remorseful. She turned to Garrus. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay."

"No. You've been through enough. I promised myself I wouldn't say anything. And it's over now, anyway. It's done."

"Not until I kill Sidonis. I'm close, Shepard. And when the time comes . . ."

There was an edge to Garrus's tone Beth didn't like. The lust for revenge, the bloodthirst: it wasn't the Garrus she knew. She shifted, but couldn't figure out how to voice her worries. "We'll handle it." She very carefully avoided saying how. Beth didn't know what she'd do when Garrus finally tracked his traitor down. But she'd be damned if she'd watch her friend dive right back into the dark now she'd found him and fished him out of it.

Garrus was still thinking about her implicit criticism. "It played out exactly like you'd said, " he muttered. "The politics, the smear campaign. But you were dead, and when they started tearing down all we'd seen, all you'd said, I couldn't—I had to do something. I thought on Omega I might make a difference. But I didn't even make a dent in the place."

Shepard made a feeble effort to fix it. "You made yourself a name," she offered. "Pissed a hell of a lot of people off. You've got talent, Vakarian. And you took an awful lot of bad off that station."

"But I didn't put a lot of good back in its place," Garrus answered, paraphrasing something Shepard had told him a couple of times. He couldn't look at her. "And I lost what good I found."

Shepard couldn't think what to say to him, but the silence was an answer in itself. Beside her, Garrus seemed to collapse into himself a little, and Shepard sighed. In the absence of just the right words, she leaned against him, and even though she probably still smelled sweaty and awful, he didn't push her away. "Garrus, if you were somebody else I could lie to you," she told him. "Make you feel better about your mistakes, or feel like I have all the answers."

"I think I know you a little too well to think that," Garrus said. She felt his voice rumbling in his chest even through his hard suit.

Shepard forced a laugh. "Yeah, you wouldn't fall for it if I tried, and I respect you too much anyway. I—you made mistakes. And I know it hurts like hell. But—I—shit, I don't know. I'm sorry, I guess. But we're okay. You know that, right? I'm just glad you didn't get yourself killed, too."

"I gave it my best shot," Garrus joked.

Beth elbowed him, hard, and he doubled over with a soft oof. "Don't even!" She heard him laugh then, and his arm came around her shoulder to hold her, half sprawled against his torso. The physical closeness was something that had just sort of happened between them, ever since she'd picked him up on Omega. It had never been part of their relationship when she'd known him before, but now it was like they both needed to reach out from time to time and feel the other was still around, still there.

They sat there for a moment, and then Garrus looked down at her. "What was all that earlier? Some shit I always pull that doesn't suit me?"

Beth sat up and moved away from Garrus. She reflected she probably should leave Garrus shipside the next few missions. She just hated doing without his support groundside. He was the only squad member she had that reliably saw everything she did on a battlefield, and sometimes even things she missed. She never had to worry about him, didn't even have to bother with orders very often. But she was starting to get a little too comfortable, a little too careless. Some space and time couldn't hurt.

"Nothing," she said. "Just routine word-vomit."

"What a vivid metaphor," Garrus said drily. "But I thought you said you didn't lie to me."

Shepard shifted. "It was nothing!" she insisted. "It's just, you know—you always try to pull the white-hat hero shtick whenever I just need ten minutes to sort things out. It's annoying! The whole turian rebel thing works much better for you, anyway, and it doesn't force me to play damsel in distress!"

Garrus laughed, incredulous. "Damsel in distress? No one in their right mind would ever confuse you with a damsel in distress. But nobody can be a hero all of the time. Sometimes it's okay to borrow strength from your unit. It won't kill you."

"You'd be surprised," Shepard muttered, remembering a severed arm in the mud of Akuze, Jeff's face as she'd drifted away over Alchera, Garrus on the floor of his base on Omega. "Just next time, leave me alone, okay?"

"Shepard. I've got your damn six," Garrus said. His tone brooked no argument. "It's one thing I can do right. Even if it means sometimes I'm keeping you from shooting yourself down."

Beth gave up. She pushed him, a little harder than was strictly playful, but not angrily. "You do a lot of things right, Vakarian," she growled. "More than most people." She decided to change the subject. "The Illusive Man's cleared Tali for recruitment."

"Tali? It'll be good to have her back on the Normandy. Just like old times."

"If she comes," Shepard qualified. "I ran into her on Freedom's Progress. The quarians have problems with Cerberus. Just like everybody. And she was busy at the time, but she still trusts me." She frowned. "I think. And at least she knows what we're up against. But I didn't think Cerberus would let me pick up any of the old crew."

"And who am I, then? Nobody?" Garrus joked.

Shepard laughed. "You don't even know, do you? You were a hell-outta-nowhere accident, Archangel. I went to recruit the vigilante. Just got damn lucky he turned out to be you. God, Miranda was pissed! She was sure you and me were going to team up to take all of Cerberus out straight out the gate."

Garrus looked intrigued. "We could do it, too. Might be something to add to our to-do list. If we survive, that is."

"If we survive. Think Tali will help?"

"It'd be a service to the galaxy. But even if Tali isn't down for some Cerberus destruction, Jack will definitely help."

Shepard could see it in her mind's eye, and she chuckled, darkly amused. "Help? We'd be sitting back watching the show."

Garrus caught her eye. "Seriously, though, Shepard. Do you want to go after them?"

Shepard sighed. "I don't know. I can't imagine getting along with Cerberus for long. The shit we saw on the SR-1? I think it's only a matter of time before Cerberus gives me an order I won't be able to follow, and then we may have to deal with them, before they deal with us."

"You know, turians follow bad orders," Garrus remarked. "Well. Good turians do. I've never been what you could call a good turian, though. You're different, though."

"No, not really," Shepard said. "I mutinied against the Council to go to Ilos, remember? Mostly I've been fortunate enough to have been given good orders that make sense. But when I'm not? I'll do the right thing. Cerberus aren't often into the right thing. But on the other hand?"

Garrus followed her at once. "The Reapers."

Shepard nodded. "The Collectors, as bad as they are, aren't the real threat. If we survive this, and Cerberus is willing to help me fight the Reapers? I don't know. They're the only ones in the galaxy that seem to be taking the Reapers seriously. I may have to take what I can get, at least to start."

"But first we have to take care of the Collectors. Through the Omega-4 relay, that no one's ever survived." Garrus's sarcasm was without bitterness. Just mentioning the impossibility of their mission, ready to take it on nevertheless.

"Straight into hell," Shepard confirmed, rolling her shoulders back. "But Garrus, we have to be better. Smarter. Faster. It's a suicide run, but it damn well better not be pointless."

"Whatever happens, I'm with you," Garrus promised.

"On my damn six, whether I like it or not," Shepard said.

"You got it."

Groaning, Shepard stood. She held out her hand to pull Garrus to his feet, too. "I better go tell Jack and Grunt the commander's not going to explode any time soon."

"Shame. They'd enjoy the fireworks."

"Sweet they were worried," Shepard remarked.

"I should probably go check the Thanix again," Garrus said.

"See you later."

"You know where to find me if you need anything."

Garrus strode off, and Shepard waited until he'd passed out of earshot before addressing the ceiling. "Miranda, if you're listening, fuck off. If you didn't know we had problems with your organization you're a lot stupider than I thought."

"Operative Lawson has not been listening to the feed from the shuttle bay, Commander Shepard," EDI said. "She switched off her speaker seventeen minutes ago, and I believe she is working on the Horizon report."

Beth checked her omni-tool. Seventeen minutes ago would have been very soon after she'd started speaking to Garrus. It was a respect for her privacy she wouldn't have expected from Miranda. Something to consider. She nodded once. "Right. Okay. Then, EDI? Scrub the last seventeen minutes."

"Done, Commander."


A/N: People following both Disaster Zone and Sometimes Grace-this is where their different philosophies start to catch up with us. Disaster Zoneis a character story. It's more concerned with change over time than the plot, which means it looks in at windows during the Mass Effect trilogy (and before and after) and leaves the rest alone. It's a lot shorter and moves along a lot faster than my novelization.

I don't want to stop making regular updates to DZ just so people also following Sometimes Grace don't get spoiled. But I'm beginning to wonder if I should. If I could get some input here, it'd help. The people that read DZ are reading Sometimes Grace, and Sometimes Grace has more readers that could use DZ to jump ahead in the story. I'm the kind of person that doesn't mind spoilers or jumping around in a story, but I know other people aren't like that. Should I just have all of Resurrection available for readers to spoil themselves, or should I post updates to Resurrection as they fit in with Sometimes Grace? Would it flow better that way for people reading both stories?

This isn't too far ahead of the Sometimes Grace storyline, just a few chapters. I'm going to appeal to both your impatience and your sense of story here. What's the best tack for me to take?

Best,

LMSharp