I walked the streets of Japan, trying to lose myself, but with no success. I knew the streets of Tokyo like the back of my hand. These streets are my memories. The memories of two years, blown away like the wind. But Tokyo wasn't what concerned me. Asuka had called me back to her, but I didn't listen; only turned left and right, then left again. I lost Asuka, but not myself. I could still feel her hand on my arm as I turned from her grasp.
The wind rustled and blew in my direction, spreading leaves in the pathway in front of me. I thought of my mother. She barely knew me now, if she were ever to see me she would walk on by, not even knowing that I was her own daughter. She wouldn't even recognize me. "You barely knew me, Mother," I said to the wind. I am so much more now, than I was then, hiding behind your shadow. You taught me your words, your beauty. But who really, are you to judge the way I am now, the way he has made me? Who really, was she to take the life of another, one who was different than she? "I wish you were here to hold me, Mother." A single tear flowed from my cheek, a tear I had long tried to hold in since the yesterday.
"Natari." I turned to see Jin, smiling at me but soon his smile faded and he stepped closer. "Natari, you're crying." He reached up a hand to wipe my tears but I pushed it away.
"No," I said, turning around to dry my own eyes. "No, I'm fine." I started to walk again, in the direction I had been. Why did they care so much? They barely knew me. Yet they acted as though they'd known me for years.
"Natari, what's wrong?"
"Nothing! Nothing's wrong! I'm just," I turned around again, the clicking on the ground finally ceasing. "Angry," I said, heaving it out like a heavy burden, almost dropping it on my own two feet.
"I'm always angry. I've learned to suppress it," Jin said.
"I haven't managed that yet."
I felt a figure standing over me that I knew wasn't Jin because Jin was standing in my view, just in front of me. I heard a voice, in English, say, "Hey."
I turned, ready to throw my punch, but stopped short when I realized who it was. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
Paul Phoenix stood before me, hands in his pockets. "I talked to your father. He told me who you were. Wouldn't say what you talked about but that's none of my business. But he told me….he said, 'Tell Natalie that I told Penelope and she was right.'"
"Ha! Serves him right! Calling me Natalie….Lying to everyone…." I sighed. "Now his wife doesn't trust him. She always liked his lies better than his truths. That's why he lied to her about everything, told her what she wanted to hear. But of course, she'll forgive him and he'll go back to lying to her, maybe even lie about lying, just to put everything back….oh, God, how I hate him."
Phoenix cleared his throat. "Do you want me to deliver any messages?" Paul asked after minutes of silence.
"No," I spoke quite softly now. "He's not worth my time." I walked away again, this time Jin didn't try to follow me.
"Who really, are you, Anna Williams, to take my mother's life from her? Who are you really to cause so much pain? Who really are you to take the life of someone so different than yourself, a female fighter known for her red dress and relation to the contract assassin, Nina Williams? Williams, who are you really?"
I found myself walking far into the night, before finally, covered and dripping, soaked in water. I opened the door to my apartment, threw my keys on the table. When I heard them fall, I clicked on the light. Closing the door, I walked into the kitchen only to find two figures waiting for me.
"You should really keep your door locked, Natari," Asuka said. "People really can get in."
"You don't think I know that?" it was more of a statement than a question.
"Only a reminder," Jin said, leaning against the counter behind Asuka. I sighed and walked over to the front door and turned the lock.
"So, why are you here?"
"We were worried about you," Asuka said watching me carefully. "You walked out on me earlier and Jin said when he saw you, you were upset."
"Look, I'm fine. I was just a little mixed…Obviously, if I needed you, wouldn't I have said something?" I'm not the kind to need someone. I'd rather go solo. Rebekka was the last one I'd needed, the only person I would need now was myself.
Without making them leave, I went in to shower and sleep. However, my mind had plans of its own. I watched the clock. "And the hours go by like minutes and the shadows come to stay, so you take a little something to make them go away," I quoted. It was from a song I'd heard in Nevada. Henry liked the Eagles. I didn't see the point of pills to be rid of shadows. Shadows cradled me; soon I fell into the darkness. Sure, light shines and can be seen but the shadows are what's left when the light fades.
Everything was from Nevada. Myself and the picture of my mother and I. We were from Japan. If Jin and Asuka were thieves, as long as they didn't take my picture from me, I was fine. It was the only valuable thing I owned. My mother's picture.
I felt of a fluorescent bulb, cold, from being out for fifteen minutes after being lit for an hour at least. An insomniac, dead in her own mind.
My insomnia-filled mind thought maybe tea would make it shut up. I wasn't sure whether to add sugar or not, so I didn't. It didn't help much.
Asuka was curled in the chair in the living room and Jin on the hard floor. I figured Jin wouldn't be one to find himself sprawled out on someone's floor or someone's bed. He would leave before daylight hit. He wouldn't have stayed, I'm sure, if Asuka hadn't insisted that if she stayed, so did he.
"You never thought you'd be alone this far down the line," I quoted again. It was true. But all I really needed was myself; I had my mother, didn't I?
I didn't finally fall until the dawn had started. I had heard Jin leave, but I didn't look at the clock. The neighbor called and woke me up. She wanted to know why she saw a young man leave my house at three AM. Asuka wanted me to ask for help, but I didn't know how.
An insomniac, dead in her own mind.
