Facades

Sam's p o v

Tuesday 2:38 am

From the time I was a little Girl

She was the only one who believed in me

When everyone else was ready to throw da book at me

She was the one standing in the crowd Cheering my name

Screaming I was the next big thing

Before the awards and the Praise she was the one who kept

Me sane she was my quiet strength in a sea of unfulfilled rage

I can't pin point

Where or when I lost my way

I stopped hearing her Warnings

I see her crying at night when she thinks I am long asleep

I want to protect her from this life I am living this path that has chosen me

I try to be strong and put on a facade so she doesn't know how much it hurts

To live this life play the tough girl the one who's a bully and shows no fears

Allows no tears

Sometimes thou Dear Lord it's just so hard to be the one who never fears

Cause at night when I am alone all the fear comes alive and threatens to tear me in two

How am I suppose to do this on my own?

No momma around

Daddy long lost in the Prison System

Give me the strength to get through anotha day

Let me get ready place on my Facade

I lay still on my cot hearing the sounds around me my cell mate Laura Jefferson was asleep her snores filled the room which was otherwise silent, it was perfect for me to do my writing even if it was all in my head since we weren't allowed pencils or pens or paper anything could and is used as a weapon around here. I looked up at the window, I was blessed and cursed I was one of the few that had a cell with a window view sure the window was heavily coated in barb wire and metal bars but I could still see which was a blessing because. I got to see a world beyond wires, metal, old cots and walls..but it was a curse to cause it was a reminder of what I was missing and what I could be doing if I wasn't locked up again. My bladder was ready to burst but it was impossible to get a guard to let me out to piss they were ruthless with me. I was a bad girl a HRO one they felt needed to be taught a lesson so they loved to make a example of me well screw them no one and I mean No One messes with Sam Puckett...but it would be a long time till morning. I watched the stars as a way to distract myself from the growing pressure down below. I didn't dare move to a different position for fear of the pain that would shot from my broken rips. Curiosity of the police department when they caught me and threw me to the ground.

The stars looked so beautiful and I wondered where they went when they left their position in the night time skies what adventures did they go on? What stories could they tell? They had to know more then what they show they look so innocent up there twinkling and shining. But was it just a mask they wore?

We all have them right?

Being locked up gives you time to think I mean really think about what your doing in this life why were you put here? Why did your parents even have you if they didn't want you? Why did god let you live everyday in pain and suffering? What was it all worth? Was there a better life waiting for you in a few years? Why did some people get it so easy they had money , power, fame they had beauty they had love. Love it's a complicated word it's so easily used thrown around like a used toy that's played with viciously when you first get it and then discorded when a newer fancier one comes along. Think about it how many times a day do you hear that phrase?

I love my new book bag

I love my new hairstyle

I love this new show

I love that actor

But really do we lose the real meaning of the word I mean the word couldn't of been invented to be used so freely. Wasn't love suppose to be sacred and pure didn't god mean for it to be used when you were saying it to the one who you were meant to spend the rest of your life with?

The rest of my life..where was that heading? I didn't even know if I had the rest of my life to live for. What was going to happen to me? What was the judge planning on doing? If I said I wasn't scared that would be a facade. Because I was it scared the Chiz outta me. I didn't want to spend the rest of my youth trapped up in a 10 by 12 cell with no real company except inmates who either wanted me dead or feared me. Sure the smell of their fear was invigorating at first but after a few hours it got old. I wanted, I craved real friendship. Friendship with some one who knew me inside and out who knew what I wanted to say before I said it who could predict what I was going to do before I did it. Friendship that I could get angry and yell or punch and I wasn't judged or handcuffed sure I was scolded but then I was held and taken care of ...that's what made my relationship with Carly so amazing she never judged me she accepted me and she listened to me. She showed me what real love is all the time but I had to forget about her now. It pained me to do so I loved her so much more then anyone could know she wasn't just my best friend she is my sister and my soul mate .

I use to feel she felt the same way but it's been two months since I was locked up two months since I called Freddie for help and she never came . Did I go to far this time? Did she give up on me? My head was hurting .Why wouldn't she come to see me? To bail me out? Did she even want me in her life now?

Carly always came whenever I called she was always mad that I got busted again that I did something bad she hated when I broke the law. I always got a lecture and a scolding but in the end she always hugged me and told me she loved me and she believed in me. Did she stop believing in me now? If that was true what would it mean for us? For icarly?

If she stopped believing in me she had to know what it would do to me. It would kill me is what would happen.

Sighing I looked to the sky damn my stomach was killing me I could feel my inside swimming. I needed something to piss in bad. No one could ever know what Juvie was like without being in it..it's no wonder inmates grab towels to piss on and shove them in the corner but I could never do that I had standards . Slowly I tried to cross my legs but even that slow motion caused pain to rip through my upper chest almost causing me to lose control of my bladder. I cussed as I tried not to let the tears well up.

Deep breath I told myself as I stared at the stars I saw one that was almost blinking at me I tried to imagine what it's secrets were ..what life she lead.

I bet she was happy I bet she had parents who loved her and took care of her who made sure she had food ..What do stars eat? If they were smart Ham ..What I wouldn't kill for some ham now.. I bet she had a sister who she whispered to at night as they lay giggling in the Morning light as they went to sleep.

My eye lids felt heavy as I lay there but I wouldn't let myself sleep cause that was dangerous here when you were asleep you were defenseless and anyone could get to you ..Not to mention anyone could jack your Chiz. No One was going to jack my Stuff or get to me... out of all the times I have been in Juvie No one has ever gotten to me.

I had to stay wake I had to keep my mind going deep breath Puckett what could I think about? Getting out ..What I would do with my life when I was released? I had dreams and plans for my life I had to think of ways to get towards them. Carly would say pay attention in school and study hard but that just wasn't me I hated school and I hated being told what to do. I had to get to my goals other ways.

Shivering I held my arms close to me the thin blanket they gave us did nothing to stop the serve chills that ran ramped through my body every night. I couldn't wait till the day that I was able to sleep in a real bed with real covers.

My head was hurting so bad I wanted pills to relive it but that wasn't allowed my stomach hurt and I wanted food. I wanted out they didn't give you enough food around here.

What day was it? I couldn't even remember I knew it had to be months since I was locked up I wanted to see sunlight ..why couldn't they just let you out? Even for a few Hours beyond a guarded gate..Just to feel the sun on my skin the warmth of nature and the kiss of daylight. Instead of the cold rusty piss smelling darkness of this lonely cell.

I wanna break free I wanna fly with those Twinkling beauties out in the

Black sky into the darkness mask of night covering me

There's so much to me that no one knows

I have many sides to me

How I am feeling is what sets the course for my actions

Right now I am angry , I am depressed

How can I make my life count for something?

I try to do right and follow what they say

Go to school study hard but A.D.D takes over me

I'm restless I'm nervous , I feel the compulsion to do bad things

Who can set me straight what's straight anyway?

What's abnormal to you is normal in my world

If I tell you I am fine if I look you in the eye and smile

Would you believe me or see past the facade I wear to hide

Pain too deep , pain that flows right throu me

Like a ragging river there's a denial as I smile and laugh

I say I am fine but damn it can't you see it's just a mask a cover

So I can maintain

I wanna be like those stars they shine so bright

Potential at it's peak when life was full of promises and dreams

Dreams so sweet before the streets beat me wit true reality

How can you judge me without knowing me without seeing in my soul?

You think it's easy to be me? Have you ever walked in my shoes

Saw what I saw heard the angry harsh words of a drunk mother

Reminding me of her worst mistake everyday?

Sometimes it's just so hard to breath without a reason to believe

Fighting with every ounce of everything to stay above

My darkest hours limits unknown to even me rage so deep

I can't even began to understand

Maybe it's from a unfilled childhood not enough I love you's

I try to right I try to follow the rules

But everyone just wants to run me throu

Tear me down before I can even rise

I just wonder sometimes what's the point

Why Even try

Does anybody care?

To look Beyond the facade

Can anybody Even hear me?

I'm Cryin out in pain

Please Save me

Please Save me...