"Minus the physical contact and I might have been calmer."
"Oopsies?"
You roll your eyes and sit there, staring at the ground as you think. Dave is, surprisingly, quiet. After a few moments you glare at him. "You just going to sit there?"
He nods. "Yeah, I'm chillin'."
You huff and return to staring at the ground. "I think this just got awkward…."
"Naw, I'm cool. Can't you just relax? You just exerted, like, a metric fuckton of energy."
You shrug and shake your head slightly. "That wasn't a lot of energy."
"It actually was, you flailed in a generally unmanly way for, like, seven whole minutes."
"And I am supposed to give how many fucks? 'Cause right now I can't hear you over all the fucks Idon't give!"
He gasps in fake shock. "How loud are those fucks, Karkat? Are you drowning in them? You gotta give a fuck away sometime or else you might die. You'll be crushed by the weight bearing down on you from all those fucks you're hoarding."
You frown a bit. "Good, I'm glad to drown in a pool of fucks. Better than dying from your irony that is swarming around me, trying to get inside me and kill me, or infect me at the very least."
He chuckles, shaking his head as he leans back on his arms, one knee up and the other leg spread out. "Irony doesn't kill you, man. Irony can only lift you up. I thought we went over this. Flip back in your book. You'll see we took notes on irony hours ago. Unless you were doodling dicks and zoning again."
You scoff. "I still don't understand a single thing that sometimes spills from your mouth."
He shrugs. "It's not spilling, it's dropping. Like the bass. My words have aim and their aim is the floor." You nod and continue to frown.
"Good, 'cause aiming them at me would be a useless effort."
He smirks even more. "I can drop beats on your face if you lay down on the floor, but you'll probably scream that lying down is a chore. I could try to make you smile, but you'll leave in a while. Just give me some time Vantas, you know I'm your Knight. Don't be mad, c'mon I'm not even tryin' to start a fight!"
"Are you trying to rhyme to me?"
He rolls his head back in annoyance and groans before facing you properly again. "I'm going to actually cry if you don't know what rapping is, Karkat. I will literally break down and sob into my cape."
You scowl and huff. "Sadly you can't sob-"
"-You're right, that would fog up my shades-"
"-BECAUSE-" You continue, "I have the misfortune of knowing what rapping is."
"Ok, so you know what I'm talking about, don't scare me like that, don't fill me with doubt."
You roll your eyes and groan in annoyance. "Stop, just, don't!"
"Sorry bro, it's like my native tongue."
You scowl a bit, slightly curling your upper lip. "Ah-huh. Be culturally sensitive then and speak my language for once?"
"You language is whack! No offense." He is smiling, there is obvious meaning for offense in those words, you can tell, and you snarl at him fully.
"Go fuck yourself Strider."
He stares at you oddly. "I don't know how they do it in your culture, but humans can't do that anatomically."
You blink, turning to him in confusion and disbelief as you shake your head. "What do you mean?" Don't humans have both a nook and a bulge? What the fuck is Dave on about?!
"Like, telling me to go fuck myself. That's just not gonna happen…"
You are still confused. "Ok, I'm gonna ignore the thoughts in my thinkpan right now that are screaming out things like 'This guy is a total tool!' and 'This guy is such a fucking idiot!' because I am not actually that mean enough or plain enough to just shout those things at you."
He smiles at you. "Oh thanks Karkat! Wow! Is that a tuft of pink fur sticking out of your shirt?" The way he says it you know he is joking. "You really are a carebear!"
You scowl intensely at him. "Shut up! There is a line between being me and an insensitive prick, and I don't go over that line."
He scoffs. "I thought you were always over that line. You have, like, a lemonade stand set up on the other side of the line, selling cold yellow drinks that are actually piss. The price is fifty dollars a cup."
You hiss slightly. "Oh… fuck you!" You whack a hand at his leg, hard but not too harshly to actually really hurt him.
He gasps in false shock."Karkat Vantas! That was over the line!"
You frown. "Which line? There are plenty of lines I can cross and wouldn't think twice about doing so if I get to bother and piss you off."
He snickers. "The closest you've come this whole time to shattering my coolness is when you insinuated that you didn't know what rapping was, and even that was only slightly. You couldn't bother me if you tried."
You whack his leg again, he barely flinches. "Bothered yet?"
He snickers and shakes his head. "Nah."
You scowl. "I will poke you and whack you until I have something else to do. Note; I have nothing to do for the next few years on this meteor, however long a year is!"
He chuckles and earns himself another whack on his leg from you. "It'll be about three years till the fight goes down. Are you gonna spend all that time dedicated to bruising my leg, Vantas? As noble a goal as it is. Kinda pointless. I spent my whole childhood getting my ass beat up and not once was my cool even remotely or slightly damaged."
You groan and sit back on your legs. "You're impossible, Strider, I swear!"
He smirks. "You swear to Karkat?"
"I swear to nothing!"
"And you're right that I'm impossible. I am impossible to beat at this game. I am completely unflappable!"
You scoff. "And you can… 'flap' anyone else then I assume?"
He chuckles and sort of smiles at you. "You're like the most flappable, Vantas. You're like constantly in a state of flapping. You're like that one retarded bird in the nest that can't fly and mama's trying to knock you out of the nest and get you to go get a fucking job. But of course you just stumble around, flapping your wings and eating all your parents food."
You scowl at him. "Enough metaphors! I am… inflappable? Just you try and prove me wrong!"
He laughs even louder at this and you scowl even more. "Dude, do I need to educate you again?"
"Try me!"
"Unflappable is like, completely calm, like no shit can get in your grill without your permission. Y'know?" You remain unamused. "My grill is like Fort Knox," he says for an example.
"A what?"
"Your grill is open like the windshield of a truck going 800 miles an hour on the freeway."
"Is that even possible?"
"Bugs just on their fuckign way home are flying by and smack into your windshield and die and they are all so up in your grill, it's unbelievable. Your grill is full of dead bugs, Karkat. Now, what does that tell you?"
You scoff at him. "That you are a moron that constantly uses utterly pointless metaphors to explain even more utterly pointless shit?"
"If I'm using metaphors to explain things you don't understand then they're not pointless and you proved yourself wrong. Vantas, you just got served by your past self."
"Fuck past me and future me! They can go fuck themselves or each other for all I care!"
You bet he just winked at you because he responds with, "Wow, that's pretty kinky too."
You would have vomited there and then if it weren't for the shame of doing so that would follow it. "Can you just try to ignore the hormones running in your teenage system right now? Just for some form of civility to take place?"
He continues to smirk. "These aren't my hormones." You scowl at him, about to say otherwise when he continues, "They're yours, we're sitting in a puddle of them. Started leaking out as soon as you said your past and future selves should fuck."
You growl at him. He is such an insolent piece of shit!
"It is impossible for that to happen, you shitstains, just think of that before saying something. AND I AM NOT HORMONAL!"
He shrugs. "I don't know. I am the Knight of Time. I think it might actually be something that could be possible." You frown. Is he seriously thinking of trying to bring a past and future you here to see if they could fuck each other? And he wants to watch it all go down?! Well you know what? Fuck that! Fuck that idea up the ass with a cactus till it turns into an echidna!
"Don't you fucking dare try any of that shit! They would most likely try to kill each other instead of trying to fuck each other for your perverted and sick mind to watch! Then paradox space would occur and we would all be screwed because of you!"
He shrugs. "Yeah you're right, dead Daves are one thing, but dead Karkats are another. Besides, what if the clown tried to kill me for getting you killed? How freaky would that be?"
"Yeah, think about that."
A juggalo popping out of a vent to murder me."
"Ok, stop thinking about it now."
"I think I have, like, an anti-boner thinking about that guy."
What? You blink. "A what what?"
"Like I'm so freaked out by the thought that he could leap out at me from any of the vents that my dick literally just dove for cover up inside me."
Aren't… aren't they supposed to be inside you? Um… "What?" You raise an eyebrow at him, he notices and becomes highly unamused.
"Put that eyebrow back down, Vantas, or, I swear to Karkat, that I will put it back down myself!"
You smirk slightly and raise both eyebrows at him just to piss the bastard off even more. He frowns behind his glasses. Perfect. "Now there are two up!"
"Vantas. I'm warning you. The lever of your eyebrows is too damn high!" You blink at him, unfazed by his words. "Oh?"
"Vantas, don't test me. I studied all night for that test I've got 2 Adderall in me!" You have no idea what the fuck an 'Adderall' is. "I can pass this test with my eyes fucking closed!"
"I would like to see you try!" You cross your arms over your chest. "These eyebrows are staying right the fuck up till I say they can come right the fuck back down!"
He huffs, agitated, which is only a thing you see on Dave's normally smooth features when a fight between the two of you is about to go down. "Vantas, do you have your hands in the clap ready position? 'Cause I'm 'bout to do an aerobatic fuckin' leap off the goddamn handle and it's gonna be amazing."
You snicker, only to gasp in surprise at Dave as he flash-stepped to right in in front of you before tackling you. You hiss as you fall onto the floor on your back and he is actually trying to smush your eyebrows back down! Literally! "Gah! Get off me! Get off me!" You screech at him, he still tries to lower your eyebrows.
"Put those eyebrows back down, Vantas!"
You shout at him againand you smirk at one point, satisfied in your success at riling him up like this so easily before returning your mouth to a frown. You keep your eyebrows up though for the heck of it. "You ass! Let me go! I'm not putting these down no matter what!"
He frowns and tries to press your eyebrows down again, almost shoving his fingers into your eye sockets. "Karkat! Just put your eyebrows down!"
"No!" you shove at him. "Get the fuck off of me!" He blinks and stops, you also stop for a moment as he stares at your face before smirking. The pile of shit!
"Do you know how ridiculous you look screaming with your eyebrows up, Vantas? I'm just trying to help you here. Put them down."
You scoff. "That is the whole point! I'm trying to see if you are capable of doing something if you put your useless thinkpan to it! Right now, you are failing! Miserably!"
"Just put your eyebrows down!"
You make to say something else, only to find your whole body smothered in his cape. FUCK! "FUFCK NYOUF!" You flail around. "AM NOF A CAPFE RAMFCK!"
"You are until I say you're not. Now put your eyebrows down Vantas and I will release you." Is he fucking serious? He is acting like he has you trapped! Fuck him! Fuck Dave! Fuck Dave fucking Strider!
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"NOOOF!" You shove at him roughly, this does nothing to free you or get him to release you. Fucking hell…
"Put. Them. Down!"
You grab at his leg, pulling it out from under him and whacking him onto the floor beside you. "GEFT THIF OFFFFF MEM!"
His body relaxes once he hits the floor. Dave once again chuckles at you and you thrash about, still stuck in his cape. "See now. You're all tangled up in the cape again! Why do we ever even let you out of your cage, Karkat?"
You growl and whack him on the chest. "FUFCK YOUMF!"
He tuts you again. "Karkat, this is not my fault. This is your fault. You caused this."
You hiss, "YOUMR ANF ATH!"
"Now you're not even speaking English or Alternian for all I know. Have you reverted to an even more forgotten language?"
"YOUMF WOFLD NUT MUNFDERTHTAND ALTHERNANE IDFOT!"
"I'm just gonna wait for you to exhaust yourself…" He is probably crossing his arms, relaxing and ignoring your struggles.
"Gaaaaaaaah!" You struggle about again. "HAFT YOUM!"
"Hmmm… that one was almost understandable. Almost." He is just fucking with you and you can't open your eyes without fabric searing them! You whack a hand at his side, growling again. "Y'know, if you just calm down you can get the cape off. But nooooooo, Karkat Vantas is an intelligent being, he can untangle himself by thrashing around blindly."
"FUT UPM!" You pull at the cape, tugging at his neck harshly.
"Hey, dude. Don't rip my threads! Actually, I don't know if you can. These are god pajamas after all." You grumble, thrashing about a bit more. No hope. You sigh and just flop down on the floor. It goes quiet for a few seconds as you just lie there, thinking.
"Ok, you ready to chill out and let me fix it for you?"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…" You stay still, just waiting. You aren't giving him full satisfaction right away. Oh hell no!
"You got those eyebrows down?" You huff at him. Just, get you out already! "Are you sure Vantas?" You growl a bit again.
"Juft- Juft geft thims omf mem…" You manage our from being smothered with the cape. He untangles it from you, and you swear he did it with the most amount of tugging to bother and piss you off even more. You pull yourself back, sitting about a foot from him. You run a hand through your hair, gaze irritable as you stare at the floor. You can tell he is just managing to suppress the urge to snicker in amusement at you and your face and your actions and everything about you.
"Well," He begins, you raise your irritated gaze to his face. "that was a fuckastrophe."
You glare harshly. "I hate you sooooooooooooooooo much right now…"
He scoffs. "You literally have more poorly functioning motor control than fucking Cal."
Who the fuck-? No, don't you even… "I'm not even going to bother to ask who that is. And don't you even daaaaaaaaaaaaare laugh at me over this!" You hiss a bit at the end, this only makes his mouth quirk into a threatening half smile. Only managing to make you scowl even more at him.
"Don't laugh?" he asks slowly, lips quirking further upward.
