I'm a coward. I've never been one to over analyze my feelings or actions. I have always considered those who did so cowards. Cowards, in my dictionary, include people who would rather talk themselves out of doing the things they really want to do.
I've been one of those people ever since Bonnie Bennet dropped those truth bombs on me. I know calling them truth bombs makes everything she told me that morning true but calling them anything else seems inadequate.
I've tried using my default setting of avoiding anything that tries to dampen my anti-zen way of life but I can't do so in this situation because her words invade my mind everytime I'm on my own. I can't help but ponder her words even when I'm in the midst of company. Its so annoying.
Like Bonnie herself.
I'm just out of the Mystic Grill washroom when I spot the Mystic high gang. Elena in the lead as usual. Caroline doing her best to be as heard and as seen. My brother at Elena's side. As usual. Matt behind them with his usually goofy smile and Bonnie making up the rear. Its been a fortnight since I last saw her but the continuous presence of her voice in my head makes it seem like just hours.
The first thing I notice is how reserved she seems to be even in the presence of her best friends. Even Matt and Stefan look more at home in their company. I head over to subtely hit on Elena and make Stefan squirm while I do it.
I walk over to their booth and slide into the empty spot next to Matt, who has Caroline to the other side.
Are they still a thing?
Who cares?
"Hello gorgeous." I say to Elena. She, Stefan and Bonnie are seated on the other opposite side.
"Damon." Stefan says in that warning voice of his. I'm willing to bet he believes the tone of the voice he uses has an effect on me.
"Oh relax. I'm not going to cause any trouble so you can put your hero hair and spandex away for now."
"Why else would you be here then? Causing troble is all you live for." says Caroline. This would be the part where I would usually feed a rude person their lips. I don't because 1. This is a public place 2.Elena 3. I kinda deserve and understand her hatred, considering what I put her through. I should have apologized for that a long time ago but that isn't in my nature.
I need to update my definition of a coward.
Shut up.
"I'm on a date if you must now. She is running a little late so I thought I would join my dearest friends while I wait."
"Who would be dumb enough to go on a date with you?" is Caroline's reply.
"That is for me to know and for you to dot dot dot"
"You really need some new lines." comes from Bonnie's direction.
"There we are." I say. "You've been so quiet since I got here. I was starting to hope you were finally in awe of me and my charming personality."
"Its always good to dream big, fang boy. You just have to temper it with a little realism."
"Never mind what Blondie said. Sparring with you is what I live for Bonnielove."
"Why do you always want to intrude in my life, Damon. Bonnie doesn't like you tormenting her and you should stop doing so." Elena says.
I had forgotten she was here. My sole focus has been on Bonnie. "Bonnie can always set my brain on fire if she doesn't like something I'm doing. And she is well capable of speaking for herself, Elena. "
A stunned silence grips the table after those words. I'm not sure who is more shocked that I said them. Me or them.
It takes some seconds before GI Joe penetrates the awkwardness: "Excuse me Damon. My shift starts in 10 minutes. I better go get changed. I'll see you guys later."
I get up to let him out when I see the person I've been waiting for. I ignore Elena and say to the table in genral. "I've got to go too. My date is here."
I grin when I see Caroline's reaction to seeing who my date is. "I'll try not to tell you Mum how dumb you think she is." I shake my head before I contiue. "You should learn to respect you elders more."
I leave to take my usual stool at the counter and wait for the Sheriff to join me.
"Mind telling me why my daughter has that disapproving look on her face? I haven't seen that look in years."
"Well good day to you too, Liz. I was just done educating your daughter on the virtue of respecting one's elders. I see a lack of it is a trait you both share."
"I can tell you are in another one of your foul moods." she says as she sits. "What happened with Elena this time?
"Why does everyone always assume Elena is my lifeblood." I ask.
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
Liz knows me too well. I can't bluff my way of this one. Its unnerving that she, as someone who knows me well, really thinks that of me.
"What have you got for me?" I say. Instead of answering her query. Liz takes the hint and dives into her Sherif persona.
"A girl was found dead in the woods this morning."
Its at times like these that I wish I didn't have any connections to this miserable town.
All I've done is fight one battle after the other. Try to solve one problem after the other. It never seems to end. The threats keep on coming. Tomb vamps, founder's council, Katherine, werewolves, Niklaus and his demented family. They just keep on coming. Fulfilling my promise of an eternity of misery doesn't have the same sense of satisfaction it used to have. Which means the only thing connecting me to this miserable town is a family I no longer have and a girl who can't even admit she has feelings for me.
Forgetting Ric and Liz are we?
No. Their friends and as much as I love them, I'm not fighting vampires, wolves, witches and all the other supernatural crap that this town keeps on attracting, for them. I do it for Elena. All in the hope that she will eventually pick me over Stefan. That she would eventually admit her feelings for me.
"Unrequited love is never fun.Your relationship with the Petrova women and Guisseppe should have taught you that already."
I hear this so clearly, I look over at Bonnie's table to see if she has somehow magically said that into my mind, only to see her totally engrossed in whatever it is the Blonde one is saying. There it is again. Another pearl of wisdom from Medusa echoes in my mind. It seriously creeps me out how often this happens. I dislike the implication that it matters what the little witch thinks of me because I don't. I should have told her so the last time I saw her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_
2 WEEKS AGO.
To think I thought her judgey before. This is on another level. This is what I get for being altruistic.
"Bonnie, there you are." I hear from the parlour. That sounded suspiciously like Caroline.
So much for leaving before anyone notices.
"Hey Caroline." I hear Bonnie respond.
"Where have you been? I've been so worried about you. You can't just disappear without telling anyone Bon. What happened to us having a girls' night out? I thought you were looking forward to it."Caroline fires off at Bonnie.
A million questions at once. I'm pretty sure Bonnie would prefer facing a firing squad than Caroline right now. A firing squad would at least give you a chance to bleed out before firing more shots at you.
"I did Caroline. The party just wasn't what I thought you guys meant. I thought we would maybe watch a movie together like we used to do or even just have a slumber party. A crowded place wasn't what I thought you meant when you first came up with the idea." I hear Bonnie reply. It's funny how she tries to reason with Caroline without offending her.
"You should have at least told us you were leaving. We didn't know you had left. We tried your cell but it went straight to voicemail." says Caroline.
I remember her taking it out yesterday when she had had that haunted look on her. Had she switched it off then?
"Yeah. I forgot to charge it before I left home and it died on me."
Liar liar, pants on fire!
I do hope the pants aren't on fire though. She looked rather sexy in them. Wearing my shirt didn't hurt. She looked rather good in it if I must admit. The shirt fit perfectly without clinging to her. I can only imagine what she would like in a body hugging sheer dress. Putting the curves she usually keeps hidden on display.
Better slow down on the imagination. Morning wood is one thing. This would be self-inflicted torture.
"What are you even doing here? What are you wearing anyway? I've never seen you wear anything like these."
I want to groan and laugh out loud at the same time at Caroline going complete Caroline. Going from serious and concerned to curious and fashion-focused in less than a second. I'm glad she wasn't born a sports car. The Mercedes and the Ferraris of the world would be out of business.
"I opted for a different look today. Simple but elegant. You like?" I picture Bonnie posing after saying so. "As to why I'm here, I came looking for Elena. To apologize for leaving without saying goodbye last night."
I'm almost impressed by her inventiveness and improvisation when it comes to lying. She would be great as an improve comedy host.
"Elena and I were worried sick." Blondie continues.
"Elena was worried sick about…?" Comes from Elena. Seems she and Stefan have finally finished their pets play date.
"Bonnie leaving the party yesterday and not telling us." Caroline supplies without missing a beat.
She is exhausting.
"Yeah Bon. You really had us worried." Elena says. Going along with Caroline's interrogation. Ganging up on a friend is never a really good idea. I anticipate what's going to happen next but I am still surprised as them when it actually happens.
"Oh really Elena? You were so worried you haven't made any attempt to find out what happened until now. Until you and Stefan have had your fill of each other? So worried it took Caroline to remind you of what you were supposedly so worried about?"
Caroline gasps: "Bonnie! I can't believe you just said that."
"Don;t Bonnie me. How long did it take for you to realize I was gone? A minute? An hour? When it was time you needed a sober person to call you an Uber?"
I can't help but smile like an idiot at the way Bonnie is ripping into her friends.
Blow of some steam Bonbon. You deserve it
She continues "You know where I live. Did you check in to see if I was indeed okay? I could have been kidnapped and you two wouldn't have noticed."
I would hear it if a pin drops in there. All thw way in the comfort of my own room. Vampire abilities are a treasure but I have to strain even my vampire senses to hear when Elena says: "Its not like that Bonnie. We were…"
"Forget it Elena." Bonnie cuts in. Takes a breath for calm and continues. "I'm sorry I left the party without telling you guys. It was insensitive of me. I just couldn't stand being in there any longer. I'm okay. I had a surprisingly good night afterwards."
I try to stop the surge of satisfaction and pride that hits me after hearing those words. I try. I fail. I grin from ear to ear.
"Could we forget the past few minutes? I'm starving. You could take me to the Grill, Care. Feed me and then tell me what is really on you mind. The real reason you came looking for me. I suppose it has something to do with Tyler. Or is it Matt. Maybe even Klaus? I just can't keep up with your boy troubles, Care."
All three of them laugh. Caroline and Bonnie leave for the Grill. Elena promises to meet up with them in a few minutes. And just like that they are back to being the terrible trio. It's a shame Bonnie didn't blow off more steam but it's a good start. Any form of progress is still progress.
I have this niggling feeling she was able to make said progress because she was still raw from hearing everything I had said about her relationships and how she dealt with them.
Am I going to make some progress of my own in regards to everything she told me?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_
"Damon. Are you even listening?" I hear Liz say.
"Yes I am." I get out of my head to say.
"Are you sure? You haven't made a sarcastic comment about the case yet. Not even one."
"I'm okay Liz. Just slightly off the pace."
"Anything I can help with?"
I consider telling Liz. I may be older than she is and may have had more experiences but she has lived a full life. As full a life as a regular human could live. I don't know why I hesitate but I do.
"Look." she says "I have a pen and a sheet of paper here with me. Write it down if you are worried you'll be heard."
I catch her meaning instantly. My brother is still here and may be listening in on our conversation. I'm wiling to bet he is. I'd do the same thing.
Liz is a boss. Too bad dating her would overcomplicate things.
I take the pen and write:
Do you think I am wasting my time with Elena and that she will never learn to love me?
Liz gives me a long searching look before writing in the second line below mine.
I am not getting into that. And before you give me the puppy dog eyes, I can't because there are too many people in here you could take your frustrations out on.
Come on Sheriff. You offered your help. I promise to drown my frustrations in alcohol and not blood.
It takes a beat before she scribbles Promise? on the sheet of paper.
Cross my heart.
Okay then. I think you are putting too much pressure on that young girl. You've tied your happiness up in her. You've come to define yourself by her. You are the guy in love with your brother's girl. That is the first description every one of our enemies and most of our allies use. Are you sure you want to hear this?
No I'm not but maybe, I need to hear it.
Ok. I know we learn to tolerate things. We learn to accept things. I don't know about learning to love so I'll skip that. You are all you are ever going to be Damon. This is your core. Anything else is just more, a plus if you will. And yes cores change but because a person chooses to change and not because someone wants him/her to.
Right now, you are trying to be more like Stefan in the hopes that she will love you if you are. Here is the thing. Stefan is already Stefan. She already has that. Its him she wants. If she wants you to be more like him. It will always be Stefan. Then again, the temptation might be too strong for her and Elena will decide to leave him and try you out. Two things may happen. She is going to be disappointed and will break your heart when she realizes you were not really Stefan but jusy trying to be. That is if you go back to being you old dick self.
2. You keep pretending to be and acting like Stefan. You spend the rest of your life trying to be more. Somewhere along the line you will hate your life. The constant struggle to be something you are not. This is when you'll start to hate Elena because you will blame her for turning you into something you're not. You'll live a bitter and miserable life.
I see why they made you sheriff, Liz. You are ruthless.
I'm Sheriff, Damon. I'm also Caroline's mum. Member of the founder's council and I used to be someone's wife. I am all these things together but also them apart. I can be described by all these things.
You are Stefan's brother but you can't really be described as one. You haven't been a brother in a long time. You are Alaric's friend but not really since he carries most of the load. You and I are colleagues but not really because you don't really have my back. You do it as an attempt at being more. All you are right now is a guy in love with his brother's girl. You are miserable because that doesn't bring you joy. Find other identities and maybe not having Elena won't seem as bad as it does now.
"Ouch." Liz exclaims as she rotates her wrists. "That felt like the punishmemt principals used to give in high school. You know, the one Umbridge made that boy do in those magjc movies. Caroline loved them."
I read the piece of paper again and again. I almost tear up at the last note at the end.
P.S: I do think you are wasting your time. You don't have to convince anyone for them to love you. You are worth it as you are.
"I should have dated you all those years ago." I finally find my voice to say.
Liz laughs before saying. "When was that?"
"In 1994. We first met then. I think you had just had Caroline. You were crushing on me."
"I highly doubt that. Sometimes, I forget how old you really are. You may have stood a chance back in 1994. Then again you may have not. I didn't fratenize with the enemy then. I would have stacked you then and not thought twice of it."
"Come on, Sheriff. You know you can't say no to the baby blues. I think I like you better now. A woman in uniform is the stuff of dreams."
"You know my daughter can probably hear you, Damon."
"Oh don't worry. I told her we were on a date."
Liz laughs before she says: "I see. That explains the look on her face when I first got here."
I feel Caroline's eyes boring ino my back so naturally, I turn and wave at her. I smirk at the glare she sends me. If only looks could kill.
"I don't think she is overly fond of her new stepfather, Liz."
The whole table now turns towards us. I can feel Liz's discomfort at the attention. I hear her mumble something before she starts talking about the case again. I'm barely listening as I realize everything she just told me is almost parallel to what Bonnie said 2 weeks ago. The realization is unnerving. To say the least. I turn my gaze in Bonnie's direction and see the last person I thought to see.
Little Gilbert.
I had almost forgotten he existed.
Why is he sitting next to Bonnie?
Maybe their dating again.
I thought she had better sense than that.
For some strange reason, I don't like the idea of those two are getting back together. I try not to analyze why. I can only take so many revelations a day. I turn back to liz and pretend to pay attention to what she is saying. I should be able to hear accrosd the distance to Bonnie's table from hear. Let's see what Mr. Little Sunshine is up to.
"Its great to see you here Bonnie."
"Its nice to see you too, Jer."
Awkward.
"I haven't seen you around lately. Are you okay?"
Dude really needs to improve his game. Nobody likes dating their school counsellor.
"I've been busy lately. Not with the whole Klaus-Apocalypse, Stefan compelled, and Elena heartbroken thing."
"Not to forget Damon almost dying."
"Yeah but that wouldn't have been a real tragedy." says the annoying little twit. I get more annoyed when Bonnie laughs.
"Anyway, tomorrow is the annual Mystic Falls movie marathon. The old favourites like Casablanca and Gone With The Wind will be showing."
Is the little twit going to man up and ask her out already?
"I was thinking I could. You know. Maybe pick you up and we can set up a picnic while we watch it. That is if you want to."
"I'm sorry Jer but I've got to go clean up my Gram's office tomorrow. The university just hired a new occult professor."
"Oh okay. Cool. The marathon is on all week so we can go any other time. Raincheck?
"I'm really sorry, Jeremy but I can't."
Ha!
"No problem. I'll leave you guys to it then. Catch you later Bonnie."
"Bye."
"Jeez Bonnie. That was cold. I even felt sorry for the poor guy." Caroline says.
"I don't." Bonnie responds. "I was soft on him. He didn't deserve it. He cheated on me. No. He didn't just cheat. He did so with a ghost."
"Don't even think about defending him." I hear Bonnie say next. I think it was said to Elena who was about to do exactly that. "I need to go to the washroom. Anyone who touches my fries dies a slow painful death. You know how much I like my fries."
I have to say I'm really enjoying this side of Bonnie. I didn't think she had it in her. To listen to me. Maybe she thought about it herself and realized I was right. Maybe she thought to recognize the message and not the messanger. And is acting in response to her results. I should do the same thing. For over a hundred years I've just been repeating the same cycles.
I'm pondering this and its implications when Liz says something that catches my attention.
"You know Damon, something has been bothering me all night. If I didn't know better I'd say I knew the victim. This young lady looks familiar. I just can't place the face."
I take a look at the pictures and realize the same thing. I haven't looked at them all evenning until know. The victim does look familiar. I read the report.
Gender: Female.
Age: 17
Resident of Mystic Falls
Student at Mystic High
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Green
Height: 5'2
I look at the pictures. The heart shaped face. The olive green eyes. The straight black hair that almost covers the face. The slim build. I look at the police report again and back at the photos of the vic.
I finally dawns om me why the vic looks so familiar. I look over to Caroline, Bonnie, Stefan and Elena's table as I've been doing all evening. I look over at Matt by the counter. He is stacking crates of beer by himself.
"Damon." I hear Liz call my name with urgency. I ignore her and continue searching through the Grill. One, because I'm too frantic to stop and also because I already know what she is going to say.
"The vic, Damon. The victim in these photos."
I need to go to the washroom.
The washroom. I turn to it and find its door open ajar. I strain my ear for any sound coming from there and hear nothing.
I hear Sheriff Forbes speaking in my periphary. "She could almost pass for..."
I try smelling for the pleasant earthly, spicey smell that always clings to her but all I sense is the pungent smell of the urinals. She isn't in here. The last coherent thought I have before fury arrives is that they've taken her. I start to rise as Liz concludes.
Bonnie.
