Pink Birthday for Soifon

(a story that Shunsui swears is true)


Lieutenant Soifon stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at the front door of her office.

It had been painted bright pink. She checked to make sure, and yes it was actual dried paint, and in the most hideous shade of neon pink imaginable.

Inside wasn't much better. There were white lacy doilies EVERYWHERE, especially under all of the new brightly colored flower pots that now occupied her usually sparse and clean office. Pink frosted lace curtains hung over her windows and her futon was covered with a giant fluffy blanket covered in pink smiley faces.

Everything in her was recoiling. Gaw, it was awful. She actually felt bile rising in her throat.

A pony walked in.

An actual pony.

White, of course, with a pink satin saddle and large bow.

Soifon was starting to feel dizzy when she spotted a box on her desk. She took off the top. What in the world was that? Was it…a pink and marabou…negligee? She lifted it out of the box and gasped as pair of very very tiny panties fell to the ground.

Someone was going to die for this!

There was a card too, which she read as soon as she calmed down enough. "Happy Birthday Soifon!" the outside read, and inside was just a signature…Lady Yoruichi.

…Lady Yoruichi…?

"Lady Yoruichi," Soifon whispered to herself.


"Thank you so much for my birthday presents!" Soifon was enthusing.

"I loved every part of it! I can't believe you thought of me," she finished, smiling widely.

"…"

"What was that Captain?" Soifon asked.

"What…are you wearing?" Captain Yoruichi asked.

"This…this is one of the things you gave me," Soifon said, pointing to the sheer pink marabou babydoll she was wearing. She had even put on the matching feathery heels, though they were hard to walk in.

"I…haven't given you anything yet…" Captain Yoruichi answered.

FLASH

Kisuke Urahara paused a moment, then decided to take another picture in case the first didn't come out.

FLASH

"Perfect! Hey, you look great!" He added.

"KISUKE!"

Kisuke was a smart man and as such had already jumped out the window and was flash stepping to safety by the time Soifon realized that she should be chasing him. She dove out after him, but didn't get far. She stopped shock still as she realized she was in the middle of squad two wearing practically nothing aside from pink feathers.


Ulquiorra: I don't get it, who are these people?

Orihime: Soifon is a captain, Yoruichi is a cat, and Kisuke is candy store owner.

Ulquiorra: This story now makes approximately 100% less sense.