Disclaimer: I'm still not Catholic, but a couple of reviewers pointed out that you can't just up and get married in a Catholic Church. So I did some Googling. But please overlook any weirdness or inaccuracies. Or you can drop me a line and set me straight—I am always willing to learn new things!

Author's Note: I intended this to be a sweet, fluffy little story, but this chapter turned into a serious slog. I'm not sure what my muse is up to, but I know better than to argue with her. I hope you all have a very happy New Year!

Chapter 3

They spent Christmas Day snuggled up together, being lazy and only doing what they felt like. The dogs were thrilled to have their attention, and Lisbon thought there was something to be said for Jane's suggestion of a sloth Christmas. Especially now, their first Christmas as a family, she was content to lie around with Jane, Bear, and Zelda and just be with them.

When Jane asked her about her favorite childhood Christmas, she told him about the one when she was nine and they'd all gone ice skating. He then shocked her by recounting a Christmas from his own youth involving a performing bear, an elephant, and an ostrich in a nativity pageant gone horribly awry. She enjoyed it enormously, but what made her happiest was the thought that Jane was beginning to open up enough to share his past with her.

They went for a walk in the least frozen part of the afternoon, all four of them enjoying the snow and the silence of the woods. The dogs followed a few scent trails, but Lisbon and Jane kept them on the path and out of trouble, though Bear did flush out a squirrel.

That night they drank hot chocolate, played with the dogs, and cuddled on the couch drinking eggnog before retiring to bed. After a leisurely but satisfying encounter between the sheets, they fell asleep tangled together, the dogs keeping each other warm at the foot of the bed.

The next morning, Lisbon got up early, let the dogs out and back in again, and decided to make Jane breakfast for a change. She'd just cracked a few eggs in a bowl when there was a knock on the door. Frowning, she tied her robe a little tighter and went to answer it.

"Mrs. Halloran!" she exclaimed in surprise. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, dear! Oh, look at that beautiful ring! Congratulations! We have so much to do, don't we? The ladies at your church are taking care of the cake and reception, so I volunteered to be in charge of wardrobe." The older lady turned and picked up a large box in a plastic bag she had set on the front porch bench, then hurried into the house.

Lisbon closed the door automatically as Bear came to see what was up. He distracted Mrs. Halloran for a moment with his enthusiastic greeting, giving Lisbon a chance to peer into the bag. As she feared, it was a box from a dry cleaners. A very old box.

"I had my wedding dress preserved hoping I'd have a daughter to wear it, but I only had boys. And my granddaughter wanted something modern for her wedding. But you are about the size I was, so I thought you might like to try it and see if it would work for you. Since you don't really have time to buy something."

Lisbon was touched, but also horrified. How could she possibly tell her kindly neighbor no if she hated the dress? She summoned a smile. "That's so kind of you, Mrs. Halloran. I'm sure it's lovely."

"It is old fashioned, but that lovely Kate Middleton brought lace back into style. My dress has a boat neckline but otherwise it's quite similar. And look." She reached into the bag and drew out a smaller box. "This veil was a gift from Mark's grandmother."

The antique veil edged in lace took Lisbon's breath away as Mrs. Halloran carefully lifted it out of its box. "I wore it with flowers, which are long gone, of course. Here." She set the veil on Lisbon's head, smoothing it over her hair with a wistful smile that made Lisbon's heart melt.

"Wow." Jane stood in the doorway, mouth hanging open slightly in a rare display of shock. Zelda peered from behind his legs.

Mrs. Halloran grinned at him. "And here's the lucky groom himself. Shoo, young man! No seeing the bride in her dress before the wedding!"

Jane recovered enough to grin back. "Yes, ma'am. Can I offer you some breakfast?"

"No, but I'd love a cup of tea," she replied, making him beam at her.

"It would be my very great pleasure. Coffee, Teresa?"

"Please," she replied. "Mrs. Halloran, let's go upstairs. I want to grab a shower before I try on your dress. And I'd hate to get dog hair on it."

Mrs. Halloran patted Bear. "No need to worry, my dear. It's time for this dress to be a part of some new memories. And I know how much Bear means to you. Now, you have your shower and I'll drink a cup of tea with your lovely young man and talk about tuxedoes."

mmm

When Lisbon emerged from her shower, Jane and Mrs. Halloran were chatting like old friends over the remnants of a pot of tea. Jane got up and greeted her with a kiss as he handed her a mug of coffee. "I've called a formalwear shop in the next town over and made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Father Dowd is coming over in an hour for a chat, so you'd best hurry with your dress fitting."

Lisbon sipped at her coffee and tried not to show her concern over how the day was developing. Father Dowd's "chat" was not the informal visit Jane was clearly envisioning. Lisbon had only a passing knowledge of the steps couples were supposed to go through before marriage in the church, but she knew it was an extensive and thorough process, no doubt involving the kind of personal discussions Jane went to great lengths to avoid.

Clearly, she hadn't thought this through. They might not be getting married at all, much less this week.

"Stop worrying," Jane whispered in her ear as he kissed her cheek. "I can play along."

She smiled for him and invited Mrs. Halloran upstairs, thinking that Jane might be overestimating his chances. Father Dowd was an astute judge of character, and he had far more background information than Jane was probably expecting. She wished now that she'd talked about him less, but at the time she'd never expected the two to meet.

Well, she thought as she carried the wedding dress box upstairs, it was shaping up to be an interesting day. At least she didn't have to worry about Jane being bored.

mmm

It took a long time to get the dress on, and then Lisbon and Mrs. Halloran realized that Lisbon didn't own a full-length mirror, so they sent Jane next door to fetch the antique (and, as it turned out, very heavy) one in Mrs. Halloran's bedroom. Meanwhile, Mrs. Halloran pinned up the hem several inches, and they decided to leave the detachable train off.

"When did you get married?" Lisbon asked. From what she could see, the dress wasn't bad. It was a little tight across the chest but otherwise fit surprisingly well. She felt like she was playing dress up, but she suspected she'd feel that way in any gown.

"December 19, 1965. Last week would have been our fiftieth if Mark had lived to see it."

"I'm sorry." Lisbon thought about her two years without Jane. She'd never thought of herself as a widow, but she imagined the loss, the grief, and the regrets would be similar.

She hoped she would never find out. Except she could hardly wish for Jane to be left a widower for a second time.

"Thank you, my dear. It's been two years, but I still miss him. I don't think I'll ever stop. But I know he'd want me to go on finding joy in life. And he'd love the sight of you in this dress. You're beautiful." She stood back and looked at Lisbon with a slightly misty smile.

A banging from downstairs heralded Jane's return. Lisbon started for the door before remembering she was wearing a dress full of pins.

"You stay right there. I'm sure Patrick will manage," Mrs. Halloran said.

From downstairs, Jane said in an exasperated tone, "Bear, out of the way! It's not staying, so you don't have to give it a thorough inspection!"

Lisbon couldn't help but grin. A few minutes later, Jane wrestled the big oval mirror into the room, settling it beside the door with an audible sigh of relief. Bear followed, circling the mirror and seeming intent on sniffing every inch of it.

Jane made a show of wiping his brow with one of his new handkerchiefs, but in mid-gesture he caught sight of Lisbon and froze. She held her breath as he looked at her, relieved when a big smile broke over his face.

"Well now," he said. "Mrs. Halloran, you have exquisite taste." He took the two steps to Lisbon, placed his hands at her waist, and kissed her soundly. She could tell he was being careful of the dress; his fingers flexed as if he were itching to pull her against him, but he didn't. When he pulled back, he whispered, "I can't wait to marry you."

She smiled at him, loving the way he was looking at her. She hadn't yet really seen herself in the dress, but she knew it was right if it put that look on his face.

Mrs. Halloran said, "Doesn't she look just like a picture, Patrick?"

"She does indeed. We can't thank you enough," Jane replied. He stepped aside, and Lisbon caught sight of herself in the mirror. Her breath caught.

She had never imagined herself this way—not since she was a kid, anyway. Her job had taken first place in her life for most of her adulthood, and while she'd been in Washington she hadn't dated because she'd known she wasn't over Jane. Getting married hadn't been on her radar for years. She hadn't realized Jane was thinking about it and had been shocked when he'd proposed. So she hadn't really gotten her head around this whole wedding thing yet.

The dress was a little old-fashioned, but it had clean lines and was in excellent condition. She realized it reminded her of her mother's wedding gown, which she'd seen only in pictures since her father had thrown it out in one of his earliest drunken rages.

Mom would have loved this, she thought, and felt tears start to her eyes. Had her mother looked at her sometimes and pictured her wedding day? She couldn't have pictured this, Lisbon knew. She could never have imagined Jane.

Warm, strong fingers closed around hers, and she glanced over at him to find him smiling tenderly at her. He was probably guessing her thoughts.

"Shirley Bascombe is making up your bouquet," Mrs. Halloran said, "so if you have a favorite flower, I'd let her know."

Lisbon wasn't a flowers kind of girl, but she did recall Jane expressing a preference once. "Gardenias."

Jane grinned. "My favorite. So tell me, Mrs. Halloran, is the entire town involved in our wedding?"

"Oh, no, of course not," she chuckled. "Just those of us who know Teresa. She was quite active in her church, you know, as well as the food bank and several other charities. She made friends wherever she went."

"I'm not surprised," Jane said. He leaned over to kiss Lisbon's forehead. "I'm going to get my shower so I can be presentable for Father Dowd, unless you need me for something else?"

"No," she said. "Thanks for the mirror."

Lisbon watched him go, distracted only when Mrs. Halloran began wondering aloud about whether the sleeves were too long.

It occurred to her to hope that Angela's wedding dress had been an entirely different style.

mmm

Lisbon had just sat down after waving good-bye to Mrs. Halloran when Jane handed her a cup of coffee. "I knew you had made a life here, but I didn't realize you had been adopted so thoroughly."

"Neither did I," she replied, taking a sip. "Um, I should probably warn you that getting married in the church requires some preparation."

"I don't have to convert, do I?" he asked, as though perfectly prepared to do so.

"No. We'll probably have to talk about religious instruction for any children we might have, though."

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Are we planning to have children? I admit I didn't think that was an issue we needed to discuss."

Lisbon frowned at him. "Not planning to, no. Not at my age. But we could adopt, or conceive unexpectedly. It's not impossible."

"Unruffle your feathers, my dear. I was not implying anything about your age or physical condition, which as far as I can determine is in a state of perpetual perfection. I was merely being selfish. I have no desire to share you or to do without you on the job. But I assume from your expression that you don't expect Father Dowd to find that an acceptable answer."

"That's not it. I'm just surprised. You're so good with kids. I thought you'd want more." She looked at him closely.

Jane sighed. "In a perfect world, maybe. But as things are...I'm not sure I could stand to be responsible for a child again. I'm afraid I'd be paranoid and smothering and a nervous wreck. It's bad enough worrying about you, and you're armed and trained and seriously scary when you need to be."

Lisbon digested this. Her reservations about parenthood centered around her age, with a healthy helping of anxiety about leaving Jane to his own devices at the FBI for even a short maternity leave. But how on earth would they raise a child while traveling around the country solving crimes? Since Jane was committed to working for the FBI for at least the next few years, that meant she'd have to find some way to make her job family friendly and be the primary caregiver. She couldn't see leaving her child in a nanny's hands for most of its infancy and hardly ever seeing him or her. It was hard enough leaving Bear and Zelda when they didn't know how long they'd be gone.

"Well, I guess that's one thing resolved. We can tell him we've discussed our plans for a family," she said, trying to keep her disappointment out of her voice. Not that she'd seriously thought they would have a baby, but she'd expected Jane to want one. Maybe, she realized, she'd wanted him to talk her into it.

Jane gave her a look that said he was perfectly aware she was being unreasonable in her own head. "We can reopen the discussion anytime you feel it's merited," he said. "I'll never stand in the way of anything you truly want, Teresa. I did that for far too long."

"It has to be something we both want," she pointed out.

He sighed. "It's not like I haven't pictured a little boy with your hair and my eyes, my smile and your cute button nose. My issues are probably not unresolvable, given an imperative. I am happy with our pack as it's currently constituted, but if you're not, then obviously I need to take that into account. Because I can't be happy if you're not."

"I am. I just..." She broke off, confused. "I guess I'm just not ready to let go of the possibility."

"Fair enough." Jane leaned over to kiss her. "I want you to have the things you want, Teresa. Every single one of them."

Why did she feel so uncomfortable when he said things like that? He wasn't lying, and she could remember many times in their past when she would have given anything to hear him say something like that. Maybe she just wasn't used to getting what she wanted?

Or maybe she was sensing that he was offering her a life built on only half a foundation. Their marriage couldn't be about what she wanted; it had to be about what he wanted, too. Otherwise there was a risk he would wake up one day, find himself in a life he didn't want—had never wanted—and walk out, never to return. She didn't think she could bear that. Better to never marry at all than to end up like that.

How could she say that to him? She stared at him, trying to find the words. Jane stared back, frowning as he tried to read the thought she was struggling to verbalize.

A knock at the door broke the stalemate. Jane blinked, then leaned forward and kissed her again. "It's going to be okay," he whispered, just before he got up to answer the door.

Lisbon composed herself as Jane returned with Father Dowd, returning their smiles and hoping she didn't look nearly as freaked out as she felt. "Hello, Father. Thank you for taking the time to come see us."

"It's my pleasure, Teresa, Patrick. You will be glad to hear that you have a selection of times and dates for your wedding. I've made a list." He handed her a piece of paper before he sat down in the chair facing the couch. "From what I'm hearing, it sounds like preparations are already well underway. This is the biggest thing to happen in ages. It's like you've given the entire town a Christmas present." He chuckled.

Lisbon looked at the list. "We're leaving in six days. I don't think we can manage tomorrow. And I'd like to leave time for people to get here if they can come. Saturday?" She handed the list to Jane, who had taken his seat beside her, for his opinion.

"Agreed," he said. "Two o'clock sounds good."

"A New Year's wedding. Excellent." Father Dowd beamed at them. "That should give us enough time to get through your marriage preparation requirements. Patrick, I know you are not Catholic, so I should explain that the church requires couples to go through certain steps before they are married. The exact requirements vary from parish to parish, but here, we use a pre-marriage relationship inventory and counseling sessions. Mostly with me, but I do like to have couples speak with another couple who have been married a long time. In your case, the Stephensons have volunteered. They'd like to have you over for dinner tomorrow."

"Sure," Lisbon said, glancing at Jane. He gave her a reassuring smile.

"Excellent. Let's get started. What I'd like to do today is have a brief talk, then I'll leave you to do the inventory. We can reconvene tomorrow and go through the results. I assume you have access to a computer and the internet?"

"Yes," Lisbon said. She glanced at Jane again.

He grinned. "I can overcome my Luddite tendencies for the privilege of marrying you, my dear."

mmm

It was late when they went to bed; the questionnaire was much longer than Lisbon had expected, and some of the questions took some thought. Jane had only taken about half the time she had, making her wonder if he was taking it seriously. He'd joked around during their talk with Father Dowd, asking if he got credit for having been married before. But he'd done it in a lighthearted way, not in the sarcastic, combative way he often used at work.

Still, if he couldn't take this seriously, they couldn't be married in the church. And maybe they shouldn't be married at all. She'd rushed him; there was no denying that. He'd simply meant to give her a symbol of reassurance, and she'd tried to shackle him with it. He'd gone along out of a sense of obligation.

She was being selfish. She needed to stop.

Curled up against him in the dark, the dogs at their feet, she swallowed hard and whispered, "Don't do this just because you think I want it."

He sighed, his breath washing over the top of her head. "Teresa, we've been over this. I want to marry you. I wouldn't have offered you an engagement ring if I didn't. Why is that so hard for you to accept?" He paused only a beat before answering himself. "Because I can't take all this so-called counseling seriously? You know how I feel about that sort of thing. It doesn't mean I don't take marriage seriously."

"I know," she said. Jane was nothing if not loyal; she wasn't worried about him straying. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe he couldn't let go of his first marriage enough for this to seem real to him. "But I... You don't have to pretend, you know. I know you'll always love her more."

She felt him tense, and a moment later he threw back the covers and got out of bed, leaving the room without looking back. The dogs' heads popped up, startled, and Bear jumped down and trotted after Jane. Zelda whined, then laid back down, looking at Lisbon. After a few seconds, the dog crept up closer to her and tentatively licked her face. It was only then that Lisbon realized she was crying.

She slid an arm around Zelda, and the dog leaned heavily against her as if offering comfort.

mmm

Jane was grateful for Bear's company as he leaned over the kitchen sink, trying to calm himself. The dog's silent presence helped him focus and push through the maelstrom of emotion so he could think clearly.

There had been plenty of times over the course of their acquaintance when Lisbon had confounded him with her stubbornness or insistence on adhering to the rules, but he'd never seen her tangle herself up in an emotional knot before. Not like this. He'd meant to reassure her, dammit, not push her into things she wasn't ready for. How had he let this get so out of control?

He needed to get to the heart of what was bothering her, but first he needed to get her calmed down so she'd stop trying to push him away. She was projecting all her fears and uncertainties onto him so she could bring this to a halt without confronting her deep-seated commitment issues. He wondered idly if Father Dowd was astute enough to spot them.

Well, fine. First, he'd go back and redo the stupid questionnaire to reflect his real thoughts instead of what he calculated Father Dowd expected to hear. It would prolong the process, but he was willing to do that if it meant convincing Lisbon that he was serious. And if Father Dowd couldn't spot the real problem on his own, Jane could think of several ways to shine a light on it.

He put the kettle on and fired up Lisbon's laptop. It was a good thing he wasn't sleepy.

mmm

It was early morning when Jane finished, and Bear had long since gone back to bed. But Zelda had come down to check on him and was curled up under the table, snoring gently with her head on his foot. He shut down the computer, finished the last sip of tea, and reached down to pet her. "Let's go back upstairs, huh, girl?"

She lifted her head and wagged her tail, getting to her feet as he did and following him upstairs. She hopped up on the bed as Jane took in the sight of Bear snuggled up with Lisbon, her arm draped over him.

"Hey, buddy," Jane said, rubbing Bear's head. "You're in my spot."

Bear looked up at him but didn't move. Jane couldn't really blame him. Still, he was determined to be the one in Lisbon's arms, so he poked and coaxed until Bear whuffed out a groan, got up, and shook himself.

"Bear," Lisbon muttered in protest.

"Good dog," Jane said as Bear went to the foot of the bed and began trying to nudge Zelda over so he could have the spot at Lisbon's feet.

"Mmm. You came back," Lisbon said, opening her eyes as he slid under the covers with her.

"I'll always come back," he replied. "And I'm going to tell you this again tomorrow when you're awake, but I don't love you less than I loved Angela. I was a different man then, vain, shallow, and selfish. So my love was vain, shallow, and selfish. I'm still selfish, but I know now what's really important in life. And I know that I can only be happy with you. So I'm going to do my best to make you happy so that I can be happy. That doesn't mean I'm going to turn into some martyr and chain myself to a life I don't want. I want this life we've built together, Teresa. For me, marriage is just the public display of the commitment we've already made. And I am fine with doing it now, or a year from now, or whenever you're ready. If you want to call the whole thing off and just go to a justice of the peace in Austin, that's okay."

"Is that what you want?"

"No. I want to marry you here, surrounded by people who care about you and want to see you happy. But I think from now on, you need to focus on what you want. You let me worry about what I want." He stroked her hair. "Okay? There's no room for martyrdom in marriage. That's not what I want or need from you."

She frowned. "I wasn't trying to be a martyr."

"You were so worried about what I wanted that you lost sight of what you wanted," he said. "Be selfish for once, Teresa. It's your turn. You don't need to worry that I'm going to turn into a doormat. I can safely promise you I won't."

She let out a long sigh. "I don't know what I want."

"That's okay."

"No, it's not. Not when half the town is planning a wedding for five days from now."

"So what? They aren't part of this marriage. You and I are. And I want to know that my bride is making her vows wholeheartedly and for the right reasons. I think I deserve that." That might be stretching the point, but he needed her to understand.

"Of course you do. And I do love you," she said softly.

"And you deserve to have your doubts put to rest before you make those vows. So don't worry about telling me what they are. I want to know so I can address them, okay? Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'll get over it. And you'd have a very long way to go before you evened up the score on that."

"That's true," she said dryly.

He kissed the tip of her nose. "Well then. I'm sure Father Dowd will be pleased that we've done some of his work for him and ironed out our communications issues."

Lisbon gave a sleepy snort, but she tucked her nose against his cheek, so he knew she was willing to leave any other issues for the morning. He slid an arm around her and closed his eyes, content. He didn't care what tomorrow brought as long as tomorrow night found him back in her arms.