Wishin' and Hopin'
By Mel and Nathalia
Chapter 3: Love's Labours Lost
When I was eight years old, I wanted to meet my mother. I knew she was a doctor, and that she was very busy, but I'd never met her, and I really wanted to. So, I paid my best friend PT a dollar to throw a baseball at my head so that I would need to go to the hospital. While it wasn't the best idea, because when I hit the ground I dislocated my shoulder, it got me to the hospital.
My mother came and saw me once. Worst idea I've ever had.
When I was thirteen, I was babysitting for one of the families down the street when my mother showed up at the door with her daughter at her side. Meredith's babysitter had bailed, and the Jamesons had said it would be okay if she dropped Meredith off with me. When my mother realized it was me, she forcefully instructed me to not reveal to Meredith that I was her sister, and left. I was already back at home when she finally returned to pick Meredith up later that night.
I didn't see them again for three years. When I was 16, my Dad and I were headed back from Anacortes. I had just turned 16 a few weeks before, and he was letting me drive. It started to rain, and he was asleep, so I thought I would pull over and wait until the rain slowed down, since I'd never driven in it before and it kind of scared me. As I was pulling over, the car started to skid across the asphalt, and the next thing I knew I was opening my eyes trying to make out what the paramedic was saying. I'd driven the car straight in to a tree. My father never even woke up.
I moved in with Ellis and Meredith, and while it wasn't bad, it certainly wasn't ideal. I didn't spend much time there, and when I was accepted to NYU, I left just a few weeks after graduation. In New York was where I met Addison and Mark, who quickly became my best friends. When I returned to Seattle for the summer, my mother and I ended up getting in a huge fight. She'd found out through an old friend that I had been dating one of my professors, who was married. I didn't know he was married until she told me, but she was upset because she thought I was sleeping my way through school. When I told her she was full of it, she refused to pay for my school any longer. I left Seattle and didn't come back until after Jordan was born.
Mark is my best friend. He and I tell each other things that we've never told Addison or Derek, and when he slept with Addison, I was the only one that stuck around. He knows everything about me, from who Jordan's father is, to the real reason I hate Seattle so much, and I know everything about him…or at least, I thought I did.
I told myself that I would be happy for him. He's engaged and that's great. He's finally settling down. But the thing is, I've been in love with him for a long time, and while I'd never pursue it, it hurts like hell.
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
Later that night, Addison left the hospital and headed to the Archfield Hotel. She had heard from the nurses about how Ellis had kicked Ellie and Jordan out. So she wanted to see how they were doing. And also since Ellis had not yet seen Lily, she wanted to encourage Ellie to visit the newborn the next day.
Ellie and Jordan were sitting in bed, watching a Disney movie that was playing on television. Ellie was barely paying attention though. Though she and her mother didn't get along well, she was worried about her. Ellis was acting so differently, and it was starting to scare Ellie. She continued to stare blankly at the television, jumping out of her trance when someone knocked on the door. She set Jordan on the bed and went over to open the door.
"Hey sorella," Addison said. "How are you holding up?"
Ellie shrugged. "Fine." She said softly, opening the door for Addison and heading back to the bed, pulling Jordan back in to her lap.
"Just fine?" Addison asked, taking a seat next to her and cocking her eyebrow.
"Yeah. Just fine." Ellie sighed, hugging Jordan to her. "I hate watching movies on television. Commercials suck."
"The nurses told me that Ellis kicked you guys out."
"Yeah, she did." Ellie turned to face Addison. "She's acting so differently. She's not Ellis Grey."
"Remember how you were when Jordan spent her first 24 hours in the NICU?"
Ellie shrugged. "Not really, Add."
"Mark and Derek begged you to see Jordan but you wouldn't. Not until she was out of the NICU."
Ellie closed her eyes, images of Mark sitting at her bedside, trying to get her out of bed playing in her head. "Okay yeah. I just...I don't know. My mother isn't like this."
"She's acting like a mother Ellie."
"Not my mother."
"Exactly my point. She's always been Ellis Grey the surgeon for you."
"I don't know how to deal with her like this, Add. She was never my mother. She was that woman that gave birth to me and you know, helped raise me when my Dad was gone. I don't know what to do."
"Did you know that Mark is engaged?"
"Yeah." Ellie grumbled, looking back at the television.
"She was coming out of your mom's room when I was talking to the nurses."
Ellie's brow furrowed. "Mark's fiancée was talking to my mother?"
"Yeah," Addison said and then bit her lip. She was hesitant to tell Ellie the next part.
Ellie didn't even have to look at her to know there was something else. "Spill it."
"Dr. Lavosier was in the NICU with the baby when I went to check on her before coming here."
Ellie nodded. "Great. So Mark's fiancée is hanging out with my sister. Cool."
"Ellie..."
"What?" She leaned back against the pillow, Jordan still sitting up on her lap, entranced by the movie. "Maybe I should just go home. Mom doesn't want me here, Meredith's got McWhatever, Mark has Dr. OohLaLa..."
"So what? You're forgetting someone Ellie. The person you came here for."
Ellie frowned and looked over at her. "What are you talking about?"
"The baby Ellie, your sister. Who still doesn't have a name by the way. She needs more than the 5 minutes Meredith could offer today."
She sighed. "You think I should go to the NICU?"
"You need to go. So far Dr. OohLaLa as you call her is the only one who has actually sat with her for awhile. She needs to know that she's not alone."
Ellie laughed softly at the nickname and then nodded. "Okay. I'll go tomorrow."
"Could you think of a name while you're at it? I hate having to call her baby girl Grey in my notes."
"Add I can't name her. Mom has to do that."
"You're right, I'm sorry I asked."
"It's okay. I would, but I'm afraid I'd name her something normal like Sarah and the woman who named her first child Eliot would have a hissy fit."
"Says she who named her first child Jordana Persephone Grey."
"Excuse you. You helped."
"With the Jordan part."
"Well then who..." Ellie laughed. "Mark. That's right. He started listing off names, and Persephone was like the third one he said."
"I wonder where he got that. I know it's from the Greek myths but he doesn't strike me as the type of person who would read them."
Ellie laughed. "Remember when he broke his leg and was on morphine for two weeks? Guess who read him the Greek myths."
Addison let out a mock gasp, "You little sneak."
Ellie laughed. "He was such a pain in the ass to take care of. He deserved it."
"Well, from now on that duty falls to Dr. OohLaLa."
Ellie sighed. "Is she nice?"
Addison smiled softly, "She's very nice. But when I talked to her, I got the impression that she knew your mother way before Mark."
"Really? Well that would kind of make sense, since Mark barely knows my mother."
"No, I mean that they have some kind of personal relationship."
"Oh. Maybe that would explain why Mom didn't kick her out like she kicked us out."
"Maybe. But it has to be something pretty special. Your mother barely tolerated my visits today."
Ellie gasped. "Even you?" She said, fighting a laugh.
"Shut up Ellie. I am her doctor you know. But the way she was talking to that baby today makes me wonder how your mother knows Nathalia Lavosier."
"What do you mean?"
"It looked like she had been through that before."
"Oh. Really?" Ellie sighed. "Maybe she should hang out with the baby then."
"She needs her family El."
"Yeah, okay."
Jordan started to wiggle sleepily. Ellie laughed and pulled her down on to the bed between Ellie and Addison. "Tired doodle?"
"Mommy time peas."
"Okay." Ellie grabbed her sling and took her shirt off, putting it around her body before settling Jordan in it.
Jordan breathed a content sigh and went to her breast before beginning to suckle greedily.
"Now that's what I call dedication," Addison said with a soft smile.
"Dedication?"
"Well going for chief resident while still breastfeeding isn't an easy feat considering all the hours you have to put in at the hospital."
"Yeah. It's been taking a toll on Jordan, which makes me feel awful."
"How do you mean?"
"She's in the daycare a lot, and Savvy and Weiss take her sometimes. I just feel bad because I don't see her very much, and sometimes she looks at me like she hates me."
"From the look in her eyes right now, I see anything but hate."
"Yeah now, when she's attached to my boob. But sometimes, when I pick her up from daycare or Savvy's, she gives me this 'I can't believe you left me here all day' look." She kissed the top of Jordan's head. "But this is so important. I was on the fast track to chief resident with you and Derek in town, because I worked with Derek so much that the chief could see it. But now...I have to work so much harder."
Addison nodded, "Ellie, I know you don't want to hear this but maybe you should move to Seattle."
Ellie shrugged. "Maybe. I mean, I miss you, and Mark, but I don't know."
"Just...think about it ok?"
"I will."
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
The next morning, Ellis was lying in bed. She felt somewhat better after having gotten some rest. But even before she opened her eyes, Ellis felt the guilt wash over her like a tidal wave. Beside her, the breakfast that had been brought sat untouched.
Ellie walked in slowly, having left Jordan with Addison for a little while. She shut the door softly and sat down next to the bed. "Mom?"
Ellis broke out of her thoughts and looked up, "Oh, hello Eliot." She said softly.
"How are you feeling?"
"Somewhat better."
"That's good." Ellie sighed. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course."
"Why can Nathalia Lavosier stay here but Jordan and I can't?"
"She just stopped in to ask how I was feeling that's all."
"But you let her stay. You kicked us out. Jordan was devastated! All she wanted to do was see her Nana."
"I was tired, but I do apologize. Tell Jordana that I'm sorry."
Ellie sighed. "Fine. You know she went to see the baby too."
"I know that."
"This woman, who I don't know except that she's engaged to my best friend and has some weird connection to you, was in the NICU with your child, whom you haven't gone to see yet."
"I will see her when I am ready."
"Mom, I know it's hard. But if I could go back, I would be in the NICU with Jordan from day one."
Ellis turned to her, "Do you really want to bring up Jordana's birth to me Eliot?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"While you were unable to see her for those first 24 hours, I was in the NICU by Jordana's side. I stayed with her until you were ready."
"I waited a day, Mom. She's three days old."
"Jordana was fine by the time you were ready Eliot. She was a full term baby. Your sister is premature and has an omphalocele. It's not the same thing."
"But she needs you!"
"I can't see her, not yet."
Ellie sighed. "Fine."
"Thank you."
Ellie just shrugged, staring out the window.
"Eliot, if you are going to sit here and be mad at me for not going to see my child then please leave."
Ellie stood without a word and left, the door shutting loudly. Ellis cringed when the door slammed and slowly sank down under the covers, the guilt overwhelming her once more.
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
Ellie left her mothers room and headed up to the NICU to see the baby, arms crossed over her chest. Nathalia was sitting by the baby's incubator, stroking her hand softly.
Ellie put on a gown and went inside. "Hi.'
Nathalia smiled, "Hello Dr. Grey. I was keeping the baby company. I hope you do not mind."
She shrugged. "At least some one is I guess."
"Give your mother time. She will come around I am sure."
"Yeah, I guess." Ellie sat down on the other side of the incubator, looking down at her little sister.
"She will. Your mother is a very strong person."
"Well you would know that better than me."
"Pardon me?"
"My mother kicked me out. She told my daughter and I to leave. But you--you she wanted in there with her."
Nathalia looked down, "I am very sorry for that. I never intended to cause trouble in your family. I wanted to help."
"How do you know my mother?"
"She helped me a long time ago."
"Oh."
"And for that, I am forever grateful."
Ellie nodded. "Well that's great. My mother helps everyone else in the world but her own children." She mumbled.
"That is not true I am sure. Your mother loves you very much."
"You don't know anything about my mother."
"I know that she has many regrets for the way that you and your sister grew up."
"I guess so."
"She is trying to become better."
"She could start with coming up here."
"Yes, she could. But your mother is not ready."
"I know that. She has made that perfectly clear to me."
"She will come in her own time."
Ellie nodded, reaching her hand in and running one finger over the baby's small hand. She looked up at Nathalia. "So. You and Mark are engaged, huh?"
"Yes, we are."
"That's great. How long have you known each other?"
"A year and a half."
"Wow. That's his longest relationship. Usually he gets bored much sooner." She smirked. "You must be pretty good in bed."
"He is a very passionate man."
"Well I've never heard that used before, but I guess that's true."
"But he is very compassionate as well."
"I know. I've experienced the many sides of Mark."
She nodded. "Of course. You must know him well being such good friends."
"Mark is my best friend. The only thing he's ever kept from me is you."
"Is that so? How strange. He was very open about his life and his friends to me."
"Well, isn't that interesting. Either he thought I couldn't take it, which is strange, because he's told me worse things than him being engaged, or he didn't want to admit he was with you."
"I cannot speak for him. But I doubt that the latter is true."
"Well, the women always do."
Nathalia looked up at her, "What are you insinuating Dr. Grey?"
"I'm just saying...when a man is ashamed of the woman he's with he generally doesn't tell his friends about her. I'd just prepare yourself for some heartbreak."
"I see. You are entitled to your opinion. As I have said, I cannot speak for Mark. Whatever comes will come. But I will not suffer heartbreak here nor there. My heart has been broken enough for one lifetime." She rose slowly, "I apologize for interrupting your visit. If you need anything do not hesitate to page me."
Ellie nodded, a smirk on her face, and turned back to the baby. Nathalia quietly left the room.
Ellie ran her finger softly over the baby's small hand. "Hi love. I'm your big sister Ellie. And you have a niece. Her name is Jordan. She wants to meet you, but I told her not yet. Not until you're big and strong. So you have to get healthy soon ok?"
"Ellie?" Meredith said having just entered the room.
She turned. "Hey Mere."
"I just saw Dr. Lavosier on my way in. Is everything ok?"
"Everything is fine."
"Okay, I'll take your word for it."
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
After sitting in the NICU for almost half an hour, Ellie headed back down to the surgical wing, looking for Addison, who still had Jordan.
Mark was coming down the hall. He looked upset. When he spotted Ellie, he went up to her, "Hey can we talk?"
She nodded. "Yeah, sure. What's going on?"
He steered her into an empty on-call room and shut the door, "What did you say to Nathalia?"
"I just had a simple conversation with her Mark."
"Simple. You just had a simple conversation with her? Bullshit Ellie! What the hell did you say?"
She rolled her eyes. "I just mentioned that it was weird that you never mentioned her to me."
"Ok, what else?"
"And that when a man doesn't mention the woman he's with to his friends, it generally means that he's ashamed of her, so she should prepare herself for some heartbreak."
His jaw tightened, "I can't believe you said that."
"Well why didn't you tell me? It seems a little weird. You've been together for a year and a half, you tell me everything else. I tell you everything, and you kept this from me? What are you hiding?"
"I wasn't hiding Eliot! I tried to tell you so many times, but you could never shut your mouth. You always had to make some goddamn comment about my love life. Not only that Nathalia couldn't afford to be away for long so the time I had with her was spent mostly just holding her and being thankful that she was there. When Nathalia told me that she was going to replace Ellis while she was on leave, we arranged a time for her to come out a few weeks from now. But when your mother had the baby early, she came as fast as she could. I was afraid to tell you because I knew you would have this reaction."
"I had this reaction because you hid it from me! You know how to shut me up Mark, you just tell me to quit talking, shut my trap, zip my lip, or whatever classy line you choose to use. But instead, you kept it from me. You're my best friend Mark. You know things that even Addison doesn't know. It hurts that you felt like it was easier to not tell me."
"You know something? I don't give a fuck if it hurt you right now Ellie. Before today, I was actually going to apologize for not telling you. But now? Now you hurt me below the belt by going after Nathalia, who has done nothing what so ever to you except try to help. You said horrible things to her and still, she offered her help if you needed it. That's the difference between you and her. She is a lady and you? Well, frankly you're acting like a fucking brat and I wish you would snap out of it."
Ellie cringed. "You know what, you're right. All she wants to do is help. She might as well, my mother would rather see her than Meredith or I. She's got the daughter she always wanted, gorgeous, the perfect daughter, no fatherless children to speak of...you know I was going to stay here. I missed you, I missed Add, I figured the baby could use someone. But the baby's got someone. The baby has your perfect fiancee, who will end up convincing my mother to see her before I can, so I might as well go home where people seem to actually want me."
"Oh yes, pull your "Poor me" routine will you? I haven't seen that in awhile. And for the record, Nathalia isn't perfect. She went through one of the worst possible things that could ever happen to someone. But she survived and it was because of your mother."
"It's not a 'poor me' routine!" She snapped. "You would know that if you were thinking straight and actually acting like the one person I trust with everything. And you know what, that's great. I'm glad Ellis finally helped someone."
He sighed, "I am thinking clearly. Look the only way this will make sense, any of it, is for you to talk to your mother. You need to go to her and tell her that I told you to ask her about Jean Rene."
"Why don't you just tell me?"
"It will make more sense if she does. She knows better than me."
"Fine." Ellie crossed her arms over her chest. "I still wish you had told me. She seems nice."
"She is the best. But because of you she won't even look at me."
Ellie sighed. "I'm sorry Mark. I didn't mean to do that. I was just being rude because I could. Because she's got everything I want. She's my mother's favorite person, and now she's the most important person in your life."
"She doesn't have everything you want. In fact you have something she doesn't."
"What?"
"A child who is alive and well."
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
Lyrics "Do What You Have to Do,"-Sarah McLachlan
R/R please!
