Wednesday 20 th June 2011.
Some days I feel too much, most days actually, but sometimes I can't feel anything… today is one of those days. I got out of the shower this morning, dried off and then spent the next hour staring at myself in the mirror trying to see me… I couldn't.
All I could see was this other person staring back, stark naked, cruel of eye and of disposition. Dark, empty orbs staring back out, bypassing whoever is before them as if they are not worth the effort of focusing on.
Instead of seeing a 17 year olds body, all I see is a lump of misshapen flesh; barrel-chested, covered in dark coarse hair, overly broad shoulders upon which limbs more suited to an orangutan hang limply past their hips. All in all, there is nothing good to see here, nothing worth seeing at all… nothing worth being either.
Look, I know, I know, you don't have to hit me over the head with a Jungian Archetype or a Freudian impulse; I know what I see and I know what I am.
I'm just a kid who is hiding away, if you can't see me, you can't hurt me; and trust me, there is plenty of me to hurt. I should know; I hurt myself every day by being someone I'm not, by projecting against everything I really am, to hide who I really am from everyone who is like who I am not, but am pretending to be.
Huh, if my English teacher ever read that last paragraph, she'd have a fit of the vapours. I wrote it, and I still am not sure how to parse it correctly. Anyway, just read it how it is written… save the Grammar Nazis the effort of pointing it out… they can always go on to be professional writers and write instruction manuals that don't make any sense anyhow.
Kind of like how I feel I guess.
It's almost like somewhere in my programming, some professional writer went and put it through Google translate from English to Japanese, then back again via Swahili and ASL, then put the re-re-re-re-re-translated English programming back in… just for shits and giggles. Everything seems to be out of whack, it's like logically, I know how to feel an emotion, but somewhere along the line the instructions my brain send get skewed and the end result is not what my brain originally sent.
Days like today are good for one thing though, with this lack of feeling I have, I can actually separate my emotions from my thoughts.
And any day that I can think about Kurt and not feel pain or hurt is a good one in my book.
In my own way I am angry with him for having it easy as a gay kid, he ticks all the boxes for a stereo-typical gay male:
1: Effeminate – Check
2: Fashion Savvy – Check
3: Flamboyant – Check
4: Musical Theatre – Check
Plus a few others, so in short, it is NOT that big a surprise that Kurt is gay… people sort of see it coming (so to speak), and sort of know where they stand on it all.
BUT
But, I'm in the locker room with all these other guys who have great bodies, it's so hard sometimes to not even glance around… even in that 'straight guy just comparing' way. I look like them and I act like them, so they don't know that I secretly fantasize over them at night… they don't want to know that. All they want from me is to get out there and be like them so they can feel normal.
Whatever the hell that is.
These guys don't see me coming and they don't know where they stand with me, they don't know that their testosterone enshrined headquarters has been infiltrated. They treat me like just one of the guys with all the perks and privileges of that standing.
Do I want to lose that camaraderie? Duh!
But I would if I came out like Kurt has, they wouldn't treat me anything close to that.
They would treat me like they treat Kurt and I couldn't bare that.
I know Kurt is no wuss, I've never seen someone take so much and still keep on going just as strong… I just hope I am not the one, who breaks him.
Kurt doesn't appear to be affected by all the taunts and bullying, but I know better, because it kills me a little each time I see him pick himself up off the ground and fake a smile for whoever is around.
I see all this just staring at my reflection, but the honest truth is that all I really see is a pathetic loser who hasn't got a hope in hell of ever attracting Kurt's attention like the way he has attracted mine.
I'm too big, too hairy, too clumsy… too wrong for him.
But I really wish I wasn't
