Chapter 3
There's a rain that'll
Never stop falling
There's a wall that I've tried to
Take down
What I should've said
Just wouldn't pass my lips
So I held back and now we've
Come to this
And it's too late now --
What do I do now that you're gone
No back up plan, no second chance
And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence
That remains
Are the words I couldn't say
Are the words I couldn't say
I should have found a way
To tell you how I felt
Now the only one I'm tellin' is myself
-Rascal Flatts, "Words I Couldn't Say"
The sky was dark. The lights were dimmed. The diner was empty. His back was to the door as he wiped down the counter.
The bell on the door jingled as it opened and closed.
"We're closed," said Luke in monotone, not even looking to see who it was.
"Can't you make an exception for family, Uncle Luke?"
"Jess," Luke said, turning to face his nephew, surprised.
"Came as soon as I heard," said Jess grimly with no further explaining.
Luke understood. "Really?" he asked, slightly skeptical. Lorelai had died five days ago.
"Well, Lizzie's never been known as the great communicator," shrugged Jess, dropping a duffel bag on the floor.
"You staying?" questioned Luke.
"Thought you could use a hand for a little while."
"You in trouble?"
"How little faith you have in me," commented Jess in mock seriousness before adding, "I can't imagine what you going through, so I'm here to help at the diner and throw out people you don't like and scare off the pestering locals…"
"So you're really here to help?"
"I can't believe you ever doubted my intentions," replied Jess, leaning on the counter next to Luke. He exhaled loudly before saying slowly, carefully, "I don't have much perspective or anything, but if you ever need to talk…"
"Thanks," said Luke, clamping Jess's shoulder. "You've always got a room here.
"That's good." Jess retrieved his bag and made his way to the stairway before pausing at the bottom, "You know I'm keeping my tips, right?"
Luke waved him off half-heartedly, choosing to ignore his nephew and continue wiping down the counter.
A few minutes later Luke went up to his apartment to find Jess reclining in an armchair, reading a book and sipping a beer.
"Make yourself at home," muttered Luke under his breath. Jess heard, but didn't reply. Luke got his own beer from the refrigerator and sat down in the arm chair next to Jess, exhausted.
"Is it hard?" asked Jess after a long moment of silence. It was a simple question, with no explanation needed for Luke to know what his nephew was asking, but vague enough so he could avoid answering if he wished.
"I keep thinking," replied Luke slowly, "That she is going to walk through that door any second, laughing. Teasing me for actually believing she was gone." Luke paused and then added more to himself than Jess, "But even if she was alive, she wouldn't be coming here."
Jess's eyes narrowed, "Talk."
Luke took a swig from his bottle. "It's my fault she's dead."
"How do you figure?"
"That night...we had a fight, a break up fight. She walked away, and I didn't go after her. If I had handled differently, if I hadn't done all the things to hurt her in the last few months to make her have to fight…she wouldn't have been in that car and she wouldn't have been in the accident."
"Luke," said Jess quietly, leaning forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees, "You don't know that. Maybe she wouldn't have stopped anyway. Maybe you would have been in the car with her. Maybe everything would have turned out fine and you would be married and have kids and start a family band who traveled the country in a trailer.
"Jess-"
"But you can't keep living in a world of maybe's! Because that will only make it hurt worse."
Luke sighed and closed his eyes, leaning against the headrest as he spoke. "All Lorelai wanted was to get married, but I couldn't even give her that. I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn't see that I was tearing her apart inside…Jess," Luke explained in desperation, "The last thing I did was break her heart. How can I live with myself?
Luke looked at Jess as though he could reveal some sort of epiphany to him. Now Jess had no experience with death, but he did know a little about what it was like to destroy the girl you loved.
"You just," the younger man half shrugged his shoulders, trying to find the right words. "You just take it one day at a time and… hope it gets better."
"Does that work?"
Jess commented dryly, "Hope so."
Neither had anything else to say, because what can you say when you don't know what to do or even what to think. So they sat in silence, turned on the TV, though neither really watched it, and finished their beers.
"This sucks," commented Jess after a while. Luke said nothing, but he full heartedly agreed.
