Chapter 3: Finding Each Other

Word spread quickly of my return and before long Ian and the other men from Lallybroch had joined us in the main room. I recognised so many of their faces from before and I was relieved to be so welcomed back, even with my unexplained absences these past four years. I had been overwhelmed with joy when I learned that Fergus had also survived and was now employed at Lallybroch, still stuck to Jamie's side as ever before. He was like a son to us both and I had often wondered with dread what had happened to him. He doted over Bree like a little sister and he made it a point to introduce her to everyone who came to visit.

"Are you happy?" Jamie asked me as he pulled me close and sat me on his lap. We were enjoying a quiet moment alone for the first time all week and the two of us watched on as Fergus played a game on the rug in front of us with Bree and Jenny's younger children. Jamie hadn't let Bree out of his sight since we had first arrived, even when Fergus was minding her. The love he felt for his daughter was there for anyone to see and I no longer had any doubts that I had made the right decision.

Looking at my husband and our beautiful daughter, surrounded by our family I had never felt happier in all of my life. "Beyond words." I promised him as I kissed him to make sure my meaning was clear. I couldn't deny that leaving had been the right decision, the pregnancy had been just as dangerous as my first and I had no doubt that we would not have survived without twentieth century medical intervention, but I also knew that I did not belong in that world, I never had. This is where I belonged, back in 1700's Scotland with Jamie.

I had been back at Lallybroch for five days, but I felt like I had never left. As we sat in the chair by the fire, Ian and Jenny on the sofa beside us it suddenly dawned on me that apart from our initial meeting in the kitchen, we had not had a single moment alone. Bree slept with us every night, wrapped in her fathers' arms and there had been a never ending procession of tenants and well-wishers during the days. I had been focused so much on helping Jamie get to know his daughter that we had not had time to find each other again. As I shifted my focus from the child on the floor, to the red headed Scot under my thighs, I felt his kilt rise as he stared at me, obviously sensing the same as I. My skin crawled with ecstasy as he brushed the hair from my face and traced his hand down the side of my neck. Every nerve heightened as I recalled the sensation of his touch and how it made me feel. He looked longingly into my eyes, as I looked into his. Cursing my transparency, I blushed as Jenny offered to put Brianna up for the night in Katherine and Maggie's room. Jamie had nodded his appreciation before scooping me up into his arms and taking me upstairs.

JAMMF

"You have no idea how many nights I dreamed of holding you in my arms again." Jamie whispered softly to me, "To feel the softness of your skin under my fingers, to smell the sweet scent of your hair as you rest your head on my chest." He continued as he removed my clothes one by one and brushing the shift from my shoulder revealing the bare skin beneath. I felt nervous, Frank and I had only been together a handful of times since I had left, but it was never satisfying. With Jamie it had always been different, like our bodies were desperate to become one and I wondered if it would ever feel like that again? Could he ever forgive me for being with another man? But as he ran his hand down the length of my arm, and inspected me like he had our first night together, all sense of dread and unease left my body. All I saw in his eyes was love, like he was looking at one of his prized mares. Where I saw sleepless nights, the first few grey hairs and fading youth, he saw nothing but his beautiful long lost wife. I undid his belt and watched as his kilt fell to the floor, revealing those strong Scottish thighs I knew so well. Helping him remove his shirt, and taking in the sight of him, scars both new and old from before and after the war marking most of his body, I was pleased to see that he was still in good shape. Removing what remained of my shift, we found ourselves in a state of complete undress.

He continued to trace the lines of my body, running his hands over my arms, my breasts, my chest and down my abdomen. He hesitated a moment as he found a scar that had not been there before. "It's a caesarean scar." I told him, knowing he wouldn't understand. The look on his face told me it reminded him of the men we had seen gutted during the war, marked from side to side across their bellies.

"Caesarean?" He mimicked the word, trying not to give away his thoughts.

"There were complications when I had Bree, Brianna." I told him hesitantly, not wanting to dampen the mood any further. He did not speak the words, but it was clear he was thinking back to Paris, to Faith. I didn't know how to answer, so I simply nodded 'yes' as he looked at me. He traced the lines for a moment, his hand hovering over my empty womb. I could feel him recalling what it was like to feel her inside of me and I thought of the many nights he spent talking to her as we dreamt of what would never be. "It's an operation, a surgery of sorts." I continued,

"They cut you open?" he questioned, with pain in his eyes.
I stroked his cheek, reassuring him that I was ok. "To deliver the baby." I reminded him.
"Did it hurt?" he asked now more intrigued than enraged.
"No." I smiled at him, "We have medicines, they put you to sleep." He didn't speak for a moment as the pain of having been parted during our child's birth for the second time weighed heavily on us both.

"I'm just glad that you and the bairn are well." He relaxed looking back into my eyes, "I often wondered how you were, if you had….. survived?"
"Thanks to you, we did." I thanked him, never having the chance before, "Your stubbiness saved us both." I touched his cheek with the palm of my hand, waiting for him to make eye contact with me again and then I leaned in close and kissed him.

"It tore me in two to watch you go." He recalled, "But seeing you here now, with our daughter. I'd do it again." He kissed me back, bitting my lip as he sucked the breath from my lungs. Lifting me into his arms he guided me back to the bed and lay me down carefully, I felt his hand glide south towards my thighs as his lips kissed my neck and chest. This was the Jamie I knew and loved, the Jamie I had longed for every night since that fateful day. We took our time, slowly bringing ourselves together over and over again as if we had never been apart. When we were done, Jamie pulled me close and I lay there in his arms, my head on his chest as he stroked my hair and we closed our eyes, knowing when we woke that we would both still be there.

JAMMF

I woke the next morning to an empty bed, and the sound of laughter outside. Wrapping the blanket around me I went to look out of the window to see what was going on. I could see Fergus down below, joining in a game with young Jamie, now almost nine and growing taller everyday along with Maggie already six years old and five-year-old Katherine, chasing each other around the chickens and the pigs that roamed freely. Jenny sat on a step nearby, her newest bairn in her arms as Jamie sat beside her brushing Brianna's hair as she sat on his lap. It warmed my heart to see them all playing happily together and to know that Bree would have something that I never had, as much as Uncle Lamb had done right by me, Bree would have a family with cousins her own age to play with and grow old with. Jamie's shoulders, normally tense and pointed towards the sky were also noticeably relaxed, it gave me great joy to see that Jamie too had been granted his wish, for a family of his own, to pass on the good Fraser name. He didn't care that Brianna wasn't a boy, or that he wouldn't have a son. He was more modern than most men of this age. To Jamie, he was just proud to have a bairn of his own that he could pass his lands down to and teach in the ways that his father and mother had taught him, to share stories of their parentage with. Fergus had filled that hole in his life for some time, and not a moment would ever pass that he would ever be turned out or pushed aside, but knowing that his blood flowed through Brianna's veins gave them a bond that not even I could stand up to. They were joined in a way that we could never be.

JAMMF

Jenny and Jamie were in deep discussion about something as I came downstairs to join them. I walked out into the warm morning sun, kissed him on the cheek and took a seat beside him on the stone step as I watched Brianna run towards her cousins to join the game. Fergus was at her side instantly helping her to chase down her cousins while keeping her footing. Grabbing Jamie's large biceps in my hands, I leaned into his arm and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Good morning Sassenach." He smiled at me, stroking my cheek, "I trust you slept well?" He teased me. I could tell by the sun that it was late morning already and I had obviously slept in quite late.

"I must have been more tired than I thought." I smiled at him as he winked at me, knowing full well that we had been up until the early dawn together. "It must be all this fresh air."

"Aye." Jenny grinned sheepishly at me, I knew that the walls weren't sound proof but we hadn't cared. I blushed slightly and then turned back to my husband, a proud look on his face. He looked away when he noticed me looking at him, the look on his face told me he wasn't finished just yet and I think Jenny ken it too. We watched as the children played, avoiding looking at each other, Fergus and young Jamie pretending to be caught by the girls before turning to chase them in turn. After a while the chasing slowed down and Brianna and Katherine had taken each other hands and were dancing around in a version of ring a ring a rosie. Bree's long red hair flowing around behind her as she giggled. Jamie looked on with awe, turned to despair as the girls swept up in their inertia fell over and started to wail. He was at her side in no time, brushing off the dirt from her dress and wiping her tears away making sure she was not injured before tending to Katherine. Jenny and I didn't move, we knew all would be well, but the concern in Jamie's quick action warmed my heart.

Moving closer to Jenny, I leaned over and I returned to our previous conversation and apologised "Sorry if we kept you awake last night." I whispered.

"Don't apologise." Jenny grinned at me, "It lightens my heart to see my brother happy again." She nodded towards where Jamie had joined in the game, "And it got Ian in the mood, if you know what I mean." She winked at me.

"Hmm." I blushed, then looked around at all of her children, "I didn't think you'd need much help in that department."

"Aye. No we do very well." She agreed, "But there's two kinds of love ya ken." Jenny smiled at me, "There's the love of a man and a woman who have known each other for a long time, like Ian and I have, who find comfort in each other's arms on a long winters night." She explained, "Then, there's the lust, the passion ya feel when you first get to ken one another. It's a different, more vigorous." She blushed, "kind of love." I knew what she meant, and I felt my cheeks flush like a giddy school girl. Jamie and I had never failed to find passion between the sheets, even during our worst moments during the war we could always enrage the passion in each other. I also knew young men and how Jamie and Ian had always challenged each other to see who was the superior swordsman, fighter, farmer. "Ian hasn't been that passionate in a long time." Jenny confided in me. Men, I thought to myself, they never changed, and I secretly hoped to myself that they never would.

"What are you two talking about?" Jamie asked as he returned to find Jenny and I giggling like drunken mules.

"Nothing." I laughed at him, knowing he might not find the topic quite so amusing.

"Is that so?" He questioned me, lifting my chin with his hand and planting a kiss on my lips. "Well you can tell me now, or you can tell me later." He winked, threatening to tease it out of me, the best way he knew how. I looked at Jenny as we both broke out in laughter again. It was going to be another late night in Lallybroch tonight I thought to myself.

JAMMF

"Haven't you got chores to do brother?" Jenny teased me as I leaned in and kissed my beautiful Sassenach, my lips hovering over her lips, "The fields willna seed themselves and I think you've had enough time off work already. It's going to ya head."

"Aye." I knew she was right. Since Claire and Brianna's return I had neglected my duties and winter was approaching fast. I leaned in and gave her one last kiss then ran my hand down the side of her cheek and brushed her chin. "Take it easy mo nighean donn." I whispered to her as our lips parted, "You'll need your energy for tonight." I left her with a wink as I turned around to take one more glance at Brianna, now playing happily with one of Katherine's dolls. I walked over to where she was sitting and picked her up, squeezing her tight, "Stay well." I warned her "Your father will not be gone long. I promised her "Look after your mother" I urged her as I kissed her on the forehead and put her back down. It took all my strength to walk away, but I had a duty to my family to keep them warm and fed. That thought in mind, I grabbed Fergus and headed for the stables to grab my horse and join Ian out in the fields with Rabbie McNab and the other men.