Feelings

In the evening Hermione, fancy dressed and with tamed hair, went to Professor Slughorns party. Actually she was really tired but for nothing in the world she would break a promise.

As she entered the room she noticed, that she was a bit late, the others were already there. She sat down quickly next to Harry. He smiled at her. Slughorn nodded to her friendly and she got something to eat. Actually she wasn't hungry but to be polite she ate some bites. The whole stay took so long that she was wondering, if the clock maybe was ticking too slowly. Hermione finally went out as one of the first.

It was dark there, in the corridors because the torches spent more shadows than lights. Furthermore Hermione was again busy with her thoughts and so it was no wonder that she didn't notice that someone came towards her. She ran right into him. As she looked up shocked she noticed it was Snape. She met him way to often in the last time.

"Can't you watch out?", he asked angrily.

"Pardon", Hermine murmured. In the crash with him her bag fell to the ground. All her senses refused to bow down. But what could happen worst? Nothing bad came to her mind and so she leaned down and graped her bag, which laid in front of his feets.

As she stand up again she suddenly noticed an expression in Snapes face she'd never seen there before. She could not explain to herself, what kind of meaning it had until he pointed with his finger on her chest. Hermione looked down and noticed horrified that her dress was was slippend and he could see everything. Blushing she turned away. Why must something like this happen in front of HIM?

And he looked to it!

Hermione put her dress in order. She would never wear this thing again. She turned back to him. Snape grined amused. In her mind she hit him with her bag. Without saying any word she left place and went upstairs.

Idiot!

As she finally laid in her bed she could't find sleep. Too many thoughts went trough her mind.

Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Lavender. Snape. Ron. Snape. Ron. Snape. Ron. Snape. Snape. Snape. Damn it!

She shaked her head as if she could get rid of the Snape-thoughts by that. But he still haunted through her mind. Angrily she tried to get her head empty. But it didn't work.

Ron und Lavender.

Damn it, I want him! She felt pain in her chest. Lovesickness. Perfect.

Snape.

Why does he constantly appear in my mind? Why do I have to think about him? And suddenly she noticed with horrible clearness, that her feelings for Snape were identical with her feelings for Ron.

No! No, I don't feel for him! That's just in my head! Wake up Hermione!

She opened her eyes. Of course she was not sleeping. Angrily she stared into darkness. That could not be! She never could have somthing with Snape ... no! That was completely absurd! He was obnoxious, unatractive and disgusting! She must be wrong. Maybe she mixed up love with compassion in her mind.

But she knew that this feeling wasn't compassion. It was a mix of longing and desire - just the same things she felt for Ron. She shaked her head, as if the thoughts would vanish.

Why always the ones I can't reach?

Stop! No! She didn't wanted anything from Snape. This thought was disgusting. She shaked herself. Scary idea.

Hermione turned round in her bed. It seemed that hours must have been passed but she couldn't fall alseep. Finally she could not endure it anymore. She stood up and just left the room. Inside herself she knew that she should not do this and that it was forbidden but she needed fresh air now. So she passed through the portrait and walked down the stairs. She was terribly afraid a teacher could see her but the whole castle seemed quiet.

As she arrived the entrance hall she suddenly reminded, that the door was loked now at nights. Dumb. She would have liked to go outside.

Suddenly she heard the sound of footsteps. Panicly she looked around. The only way out was the door to the dungeons. She prayed that the door was not loked while she was running to it. Thank god it was open. Hastily she sliped through it and hide herself behind an armor. Only a few secounds the door opened a bit. She heard steps again and saw Professor Sprout. The teacher looked around and walked deeper into the dungeons. Hermione stood behind the armor until the professor came back and closed the door behind herself. She breathed relieved.

That was a close one.

But for her own safety she chose to leave the dungeons on the other side. That was sure a long way but it was better than be caught by Professor Sprout. What was she thinking by doing this?

Slowly she walked down. In thoughts she was with Ron again. Bloody Idiot! She felt tears droping down her cheeks. Angrily she wiped away them.

Suddenly she heard a clink. It sounded like a phial or something like that was broken. She looked up. With a shudder she noticed that she was standing in front of Snapes office. The noise seemed to came out from this room. What was happening there?

As Hermione noticed that the door was a bit open and she could not control her curiosity. Carefully she looked through the gap. What she saw then, horrified her deeply. Snape crouched on the floor. His face was full of tears again. He rolled up his sleeve so that Hermione could see his dark mark. In his right hand he held a broken phial and pushed it into his left arm. Scared Hermione saw that the glas was getting deeper into his skin with every push. Blood splashed out of the wound but Snape didn't stop. Again and again he hit his arm, the face full of misery and tears.

Hermione could not endure it anymore. What if he would kill himself?!

Without thinking about what she was doing she run into the room and pulled the phial out of the hand of the perplexed potions master. He stared at her.

"What ...?", he started but Hermione interrupted him: "Do you want to kill yourself!?"

"Why do you care about this?", Snape asked. He tried to sound threatening but he didn't manage it very well.

"I don't know, but this is ... this is ..." Hermione could not find a word for it. "This is sick", she finally murmured.

Snape laughed without emotion. He stood up laborious. His arm was still bleeding. Big red drops were falling to the ground. "So you think I am sick, don't you?" The sharpness returned to his voice. Hermione shaked her head. "No."

"How should I understand your statement then?"

"I think", Hermione said hesitantly, "that you just have a big problem, which you can not solve by yourself."

"You THINK." Snapes voice was full of sarcasm. "What a miracle. But I THINK that you have NOTHING to do with it."

"Yes, you are right." Hermione wanted to turn round but Snape graped her collar with his unharmed arm. "Miss Granger, I think you know that you shouldn't be here, right?"

"Y-yes."

"Nevertheless you are. May I ask you why?"

"Because ... because ..." Hermione hesitated. She didn't know what to say. Snape smiled scornfully. "Gryffindor loses 50 points for that."

Ashamed she lowerd her head. That was deserved. She broke the rules.

Snape let her go. He turned round. "If you tell that anybody", he explained to the wall, "you will regret the day you were born. And now get out!"

Hermione said nothing. She was afraid. Not afraid of Snape, no, not this time. She was afraid because more blood droped down from his arm to the floor. What would he do if she would go away now? She could not leave him alone in this situation. Particularly because ...

No! I have no feelings for him!

But her heart said something else. Carefully she walked a few steps closer until she stood right behind him.

"Pr-Professor?" He turned round shocked. Obviously he had not noticed that she stayed. His eyes were full of tears again and he looked very desperate.

"What?!", he shouted aggressive. His voice was trembling. Hermione hesitated a few secounds, then she carefully streched out her hand. She didn't realised by herself what she was doing. Snape stared at her while she carfully laid her hand on his wet cheek. She felt that he was trembling.

"M-Miss Granger?", he asked nearly shy. Hermione hastily moved her hand back.

"I'm sorry", she murmured. Snape looked at her with a strange view.

"You've cried", he finally said calm. Surprised Hermione looked at him. "Y-you too", she said quiet. He nodded. "I can't deny it." His voice still was calm. Hermione was wondered. She did not expect such a reaction.

"Professor Snape?", she asked shy. He looked at her. "Professor ... wha-what is going on?" His eyes immediately got harsh again. "You have nothing to do with that. NOTHING."

"I'm sorry." Hermione lowered her head.

"It's okay", Snape said. "Just stop thinking about it. You have your own problems."

She nodded mecanicly. Why he suddenly was so kind? His eyes were fixed on her but somehow the weren't cold anymore.

Damn it, this are no feelings! This is ... everything but this!

She felt how her heart beated faster and her lips started trembling. Something rumored in her belly and she felt like she was weightless. Damn it. Now she couldn't deny it anymore. There were feelings. Heavy feelings. And suddenly he bowed down to her. Their faces were only a noselength distanced. She could feel his warm breath on her face and she could perceive his wonderfull smell. She felt dizzy. And then he bowed to her a bit nearer. And his lips touched hers.