AN: / Thanks for all your reviews, there will definitely be more humour and a lighter tone to this story, than to my other story NTSG, but please remember the warning

There is going to be some dark themes and upsetting material in this story too.

We will have light at the end of the tunnel...but there will be dark to get there.

"H Granger's

Blue Balls Balm

Apply Topically"

Fucking Insufferable, Brilliant little bitch.

Cont.


By breakfast the next day he had decided that he needed to re-establish the proper order of things, which was him coming out on top of course.

So when he saw her sitting with that toe rag boyfriend of hers Weasley, he decided the game was afoot.

The Longbottom boy paled when he approached, but credit where it was due he did not flinch away. It seems killing a giant snake-cum-horcrux can do that for a boy's confidence.

Good for him, I'll just have to work harder this year, I'm glad I don't have to pay insurance like the muggles do, because this boy alone would have sent my premium into 6 figures.

Hmmm...The Weasley boy looks more constipated than usual.

He didn't miss the red faced glare the boy levelled at him when he came closer, nor the possessive arm he put around the girls shoulders.

"Miss Granger"

"Master Snape"

"I expect your apprenticeship paperwork signed and returned to me by the end of the day, else you will find our agreement void"

He could barely conceal his grin, he'd spent a long time adding the most outrageous clauses and expectations into the contract, guaranteed to have the little gryffindor spitting feathers in righteous fury, she wouldn't be able to resist having it out with him over the ridiculous stipulations and then he could gleefully decline her apprenticeship.

"No need, I have them right here."

She pulled a signed and dated stack of parchment from her bag and offered it to him, honey eyes meeting his unblinkingly

"Tut tut Miss Granger...I did not expect you to be so foolish as to sign official papers without reading through them first"

Oh it was going to be so rich...her face when she read some of his clauses...he had to suppress a pleasured shudder.

"I did read them Master"

His face dropped.

She read them? She read them? and still she agreed? What was the crazy bint playing at?

"I can see that I have ruined what you no doubt thought was going to be a very stimulating bout of Schadenfreude for you Master Snape, but do you think I wasn't prepared for you to have a number of...conditions with which to weigh my apprenticeship on? There was nothing in there that I found too disagreable and frankly I'd expected worse from you... or better depending on your perspective"

When he made no move to accept the parchment from her, she drained her pumpkin juice, stood up, removing herself from the scowling boys embrace, shrank the papers and, the sheer audacity of it, Placed them into the pocket of his robes and patted it when she'd done so.

"Now boys if you'd excuse me, I'm required to sit besides my master at meals in case he requires my assistance for anything"

With that she turned and headed off to the head table, head held high, leaving him nothing to do other than follow in her wake glowering.


As deputy heads, he and Filius had the seats either side of the headmistress who sat in the middle , so when she reached the table she conjured herself a chair on his other side, so she was between him and Poppy.

He dropped into his seat scowling , like a petulant teenager and she seated herself gracefully, after he had sat down. Another one of his conditions.

As breakfast appeared on their plates, she turned to him and addressed him loud enough for Minerva, Poppy and Filius to hear.

"Do you need me to assist you with breakfast Master Snape."

He whipped his gaze to her and practically growled.

"No"

"But by the terms set in our apprenticeship, I must assist you in any way you require...including at meals, if you need any help..."

"No Miss Granger...that will be all"

Fighting to keep the embarrassed flush off his face he could hear his colleagues holding back their snickers.

"Well if you need help cutting your meat...or buttering your toast that's what I'm here for, after all"

Scowling viciously he went to stand and leave when Minerva a little too gleefully reminded him that as a deputy he had to remain present at the head table.

The girl smiled victoriously at him as she began to eat her breakfast and speak to Poppy.

Granger 2 Snape 0

Dropping back into his chair He crossed his arms over his chest and had to fight the urge to pout. This was not going to plan.


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