Disclaimer: I don't own anything, credit mark Schwahn
AN: Im sorry for not updating on Friday like I said I would things have been hectic and since its memorial weekend we had to go put flowers on everyone's graves and I was in charge of the watching the kids and let me tell you its not fun watching 10 little little kids and have to run after them at a cemetery. But it is a three day weekend so if things stay calm then hopefully I will be able to update again before its over. Thank you again to my readers and reviewers, it means bunches. I hope you enjoy this chapter, its short though so sorry about that. 4 days until one tree hill , Yay!!! This chapter is mostly about Brooke's thoughts on her parents.
"When I die, bury me face down so the world can kiss my a."
My favorite magazine of all time is people magazine. No matter how old I get I still love to catch up on all the celebrity gossip. Its one of my favorite pass times, I love getting my magazine in the mail once a week. I have a year subscription to keep me in supply. That way if im to busy to get to a magazine stand to buy it, its there. So whenever im tired or have had a bad day I go to my magazine. It sounds pathetic but im not that close to anybody here in New York. I don't trust people that easily as most know. Ever since I left tree hill when I turned 18 I just never really looked back to most of my old friends and family. I've talked to some on the phone, Rachel has come to New York a few times to visit but Lucas, Nathan, Peyton and Haley I have only kept in contact with through brief emails and short phone conversations. But back to the subject of my magazine. I've been getting reminders in the mail about "not forgetting to renew my subscription", I ignore them I mean there is no point of renewing it. Im not sure why they have sent these reminders out so early I mean I have almost 8 months left before the new year. I guess they just want to annoy you enough that you just give in to spending another $100 for a year subscription. Today the lady who's job is to call and talk to People's subscribers about there situation with there subscription (what a fun job...NOT) called me and was telling me about the offer they had to long term subscribers that if I signed up for one more year I would get the next for free, I should have said no but there were a few reasons I told her to sign me up. One is that if im still here for awhile in the new year even if I am dying I wouldn't want to miss a issue and two who knows if anyone will ever visit my grave so im going to write it in my will or somewhere that I want them to forward my magazines to the church to my grave. Who knows maybe my ghost will want to here about Britney Spears having her 10th child and how Lindsey Lohan was unfortunately killed in a crash involving the paparazzi. Then once a week when the ground keepers mow the lawn and pick up the dead flowers that others have left for there loved ones then they can pick up my magazine so it does not get disgusting and yucky. So check one on insuring that my after life is not total crap is complete. Now hopefully I can check off a few more things before I die.
I think about the people who's graves and tombstones will surround mine, how on memorial day and Christmas, and other special holidays and birthdays, the grave sites will be scattered with flowers and other things. But will anyone ever put flowers on mine. Im not talking about the first week or even month when the grieving is still fresh im talking about later on, will people remember that April 24th is my birthday, that I like Daisy's and white roses. Will I be forgotten, another tomb stone that you can't read because the moss is growing in the etched out places where my name and birth and death date is. Will there be bird shit on my tombstone, weeds growing around it, the vase like object that goes into the hole by the tombstone where flowers are to be placed will it ever be used or will it be stuck launched in there with no one who ever tried to pull it out and place even one beautiful flower into it.
I wonder if my parents will cry when they find out. I hope so I hope they feel guilty as hell, I hope my mother screams out in grief for the fact that she lost her only child, her little girl. I hope my father curses and asks god why, why his princess was taken away from him. I hope they will be shocked and saddened, realize how horrible of parents they were and that is why they never knew that there little girl was sick, dying. They will feel horrible that they have not seen since the summer before my senior year. They have not fucking seen or talked to me for 16 years. I want them to realize that even though they threw money at me and I took it, it wasn't because I was grateful. It was because I was angry, I was furious that they thought that they could throw money at me and I would disappear. So I took the money and I spent it on stupid meaningless things. Because I was meaningless to them, and the money was meaningless to me. But im not one of these people who would send the money back to try and "make a point". Just like I have been engaged 3 times and each time when things end I don't give back the ring, it was a gift that I deserve and even if I didn't it was still a gift and like hell if I give it back. But I know that when the are contacted they will on some level be saddened, if they aren't on a trip or cruise they will attend the funeral. Mother will probably bring eye drops just incase she doesn't cry the proper amount of tears she should be crying at her daughters funeral. Because in the end that is what the most important thing will be about, it will be about keeping up appearances for there friends who will attend because it's the proper thing to do and to show my friends that they weren't as bad as I described them and im just some over dramatic bitch. I will be buried in New York and they live in California so they will never visit, there will never be one of those flower bouquets spelling out daughter.
What sickens me most is that the tombstone will probably read beloved daughter.
Beloved daughter my ass, once again it will be for appearances. The stone won't even read friend because none will be there to let them know that I have friends. It won't read mother because I never had a chance to have a baby and the one's I conceived were lost, one way or another.
Sometimes I have dreams about my life would have been like if I had not made the choices I did in high school. They always come to the same conclusion if only I had made better choices I wouldn't be here, dying. But I did what I did and its done.
Does anyone care?
Im dying.
"Death must be great, because no one has come back from it"
If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got.
