December 22: Three days 'till Christmas

The next morning, the Joker opened the closet door and Harley, still sleeping, tumbled out at his feet. She awakened immediately and looked up at the Joker, who was looking down at her with an amused smile.

"Mornin' Puddin'" said Harley groggily. "Is it morning already?"

"'Fraid so, Harls. Now, I got us a guy who's willing to fly us to Metropolis, and we leave in an hour. You'd better hurry up and get everything packed very quickly, because if you make us late he might not take us and I'd rather kill the guy after we get to Metropolis, not before, savvy?"

"Sure thing Mistah J!" squealed Harley happily as she leapt up, kissed him on the cheek, and started packing as fast as she could. She packed his best suits and some street clothes for herself (dressing up as her alias probably wouldn't help her cause with her parents.) She packed some weapons, toiletries, the bit of money they hadn't burned or flushed down the toilet, and even the clown doll he had given her last night (she just loved it when he gave her presents). Once she had packed everything, she hurriedly changed out of her costume and put on some blue jeans and a red sweater with white snowflakes on it.

"Ready Puddin'!" sang Harley once she had finished.

"Could you have been any slower? It took you like twenty minutes to pack everything," he said as he opened the door to leave. "Be a dear and bring the suitcase outside to the car, 'kay?"

"On it," said Harley as she picked up the heavy suitcase and followed him out the door.

They rode the elevator to the first floor, and once they stepped off and the staff noticed them, they all stopped whatever they were doing and watched them, waiting for them to make some sort of request and desperately hoping that the Joker was in a merciful mood.

"Well folks, it's been fun, but me and the lady are heading out for a few days. We might come back or we might not, it all depends, you know?" said the Joker as they headed for the door. "I know I don't need to remind you, but just to make sure no one's forgotten, continue feeding the hyenas and don't donate them to the zoo, and make sure no one touches any my stuff while we're gone. After all, I'd hate to have to kill any of you during the holidays. Take care while we're gone, and feliz navidad to you all!"

The staff looked positively terrified as Joker and Harley exited the building. They found the Jokermobile and took off for the airport.

"Do you think they'll tell on us while we're gone, Puddin'?" asked Harley as she drove.

"Hard to say. I think I rattled them enough to keep them in line, but you never know, one might decide to be brave and call the police. If they do, then we'll find whoever did it and kill 'em and then I think we'll go back to that old candy factory we were living in before the penthouse."

"I hope not, I sure did like that penthouse," said Harley wistfully.

"What was so great about it? Sure it was fancier than most of our hideouts, but besides being cleaner it really wasn't that much better than any other lair," stated the Joker as he gazed out the window.

"You have to admit though, it was nice to be waited on like that. Made me feel like a princess," said Harley as she tried to take his hand in hers.

He slapped her hand away and shrugged. "I suppose. It's too bad we can't make the henchmen wait on us like that, but they're only good for heavy lifting and being expendable."

They arrived at the airport fifteen minutes early. They parked the Jokermobile and went inside to wait on the man Joker called "Kevin." Once inside, everyone who saw them froze in their tracks, some even screamed. Joker and Harley ignored them as they sat down and waited for Kevin to arrive. While they were waiting, five armed men approached them.

"Joker, didn't expect to see you at the airport," said one of them, a man with an eye-patch. "Gotham not good enough for you anymore, or did the Bat run you outta town?"

The Joker smiled dangerously as he said, "Just taking a little vacation, but don't you worry, I'll be back before you even know I'm gone. I know how much you and the rest of Gotham will miss me."

"Come with us, you're not getting on any planes on my watch," the man ordered as he cocked his gun.

"Well Harley, it looks like we're staying in Gotham after all," said Joker as he stood up.

"What do you mean Puddin'?" asked Harley, afraid he was being serious.

They were led to a back room, where they were ordered to stand against the wall to be searched.

"Strip 'em down boys, there's no tellin' how many weapons they got on 'em," ordered the man with the eye-patch. "As soon as we've searched 'em we'll call the police and they'll take you two loons back to the whacky-shack where you belong."

"Try not to get too excited boys, I do have a girlfriend, you know," snickered Joker as they removed his jacket. He was preparing to pounce but Harley struck first.

"Hands off the merchandise, pigs!" shouted Harley as one of them began to strip her. "There's only one guy who's allowed to undress me and you ain't him!"

Harley grabbed the man who had attempted to search her and slammed his head into the wall, knocking him out cold. The Joker took out one of his special playing cards and slit the throat of the men who had tried to strip him. Before they could fire their guns, Joker threw two more playing cards, lodging them in the necks of two of the remaining men while Harley jumped on the back of the man with the eye-patch, stole his gun, and shot him in the back of the head, as well as the man who had tried to undress her.

The Joker grabbed Harley's pigtails and pulled her close so she had no choice but to look him in the eye, and growled, "Harley, how many times do I have to tell you? I always make the first move, not you. I was just about to handle those guys, there was no need for you to act when you did. How could you be so naïve, did you really think I was going to let them undress you?"

"No, I'm sorry Puddin', I guess I overreacted, and I shoulda trusted you. I just couldn't believe they were going to strip us like that. I mean, I can deal with it at Arkham, at least Joan makes sure none of the guards do anything they're not supposed to, but here? It's outrageous!"

"Perverts," spat Joker. "Well, Kevin should be here by now, I suggest we go find him before the cops show up."

They left the room and found that the entire airport was completely empty, save for one man with cowboy boots and a cowboy hat. The man approached them and extended his hand. When Joker didn't take it he awkwardly drew it back.

"You must be Kevin," said the Joker with a friendly grin. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

They retrieved their luggage and had Kevin carry it for them as he led them to a small plane outside. The Joker and Harley went inside and took seats in the cockpit. Joker sat down in the co-pilot's seat and Harley sat on his lap as Kevin took his seat at the controls.

"Isn't this exciting, Mistah J? A whole plane, all to ourselves," said Harley eagerly.

Once they took off, Joker launched into a monologue about his many exploits and battles with Batman, going into very graphic detail and leaving out almost none of the details. Harley listened intently on his lap until he grew tired of having her there and roughly shoved her off of him. She then settled for sitting at his feet, enraptured by every word he spoke.

"You know why I love Christmas so much, Kev?" asked Joker suddenly. Kevin shook his head no, so he continued. "For some reason, this time of year always makes people more generous and loving than usual. They get drunk on holiday cheer and forget how awful their sad little lives are. Because of this, it's up to me to bring them back down to earth, to remind them of how pointless and meaningless their lives are. You should see their faces when they're suddenly reminded that they're still being laughed at by the world, that nothing has changed just because it's December twenty-fifth. In a way I'm like Santa Clause, only instead of toys I bring the gift of madness!"

Kevin visibly shuddered and Joker pretended not to notice as he moved onto the next topic in his over-active mind.

"So Congress has announced that pizza is a vegetable because of all the tomato sauce. But if the sauce is made of tomatoes and if tomatoes are fruits, then shouldn't pizza be considered a fruit? And they say I'm crazy!"

Kevin tried to ignore him for the most part as he continued ranting while Harley couldn't get enough of him, not listening to the words so much as just the sound of his voice and his merry laughter.

When they finally reached Metropolis, to Kevin it felt like an eternity had passed. Being cooped up with the Joker and Harley Quinn for any period of time was nerve-wrecking at best, at worst a fate worse than death. At least now he would be rid of them and a few dollars richer.

"You are an excellent pilot, Kevin," complemented the Joker once they had landed.

"Um, thanks," said Kevin, trying to keep the unease out of his voice.

"A job well done indeed, here's your money," said Joker as he pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket. He handed the money to Kevin who, not wanting to get on the Joker's bad side, pocketed the money without even looking at it.

"Oh silly me, I forgot your tip!" exclaimed Joker. Kevin turned to face him again and was met by a stream of acid from the boutonniere on the man's suit. He screamed in agony as his face was melted off, but only for a few seconds.

"Well that was fun," said Joker as he exited the plane, Harley trailing behind dragging the suitcase. "Better call a taxi."

Even though it was still pretty early out, it was already dark outside. As they walked through the terminal, Harley was surprised to find that no one was freaking out at their presence. Sure, they got a lot of stares, but no one panicked or fainted. Hadn't these people ever heard of the Joker?

They hailed a taxi and climbed inside.

"Hi, I'm Henry. Where to?" asked the driver with a friendly smile.

Harley gave him the address, and soon they were on their way.

"Hey, don't take this the wrong way or nothin', but why are you dressed up like the Joker? Halloween was a few months ago," said Henry curiously.

So that was why no one had screamed or run away, they all thought he was just a harmless weirdo in a costume. Harley had been about to set the jerk straight but kept silent when Joker shot her a pointed look.

"A friend of ours is throwing a costume party," explained Joker with a smile. "I know it's strange this time of year, but what are you gonna do?"

"Must have some very special friends," laughed Henry. "How about you, ma'am? You should go as his sidekick, oh what's her name, Harley Quinn, that's it! I bet you'd make a great Harley Quinn."

"Oh, you're just sayin' that," said Harley, pretending to be flattered.

"I mean it. You two would make a great Joker and Harley Quinn, it's uncanny."

"You make me blush!" chuckled the Joker.

The trip to the Harley's parent's house wasn't very long, but by the time they reached their destination the Henry had figured out that they weren't impersonators. When he dropped them off, he promised Joker that he wouldn't tell anyone what he had seen. The Joker got his phone number but let him go and as he drove off, he nearly cried tears of relief and prayed for the first time in years.

Henry had dropped them off in front of a large gate, behind which was a house that was not quite a mansion but pretty darn close. The entire house was decorated in hundreds of gorgeous golden lights.

"I think you're parent's house is on fire," joked the Joker. "Well Harls, let's get this over with and give your parents a heart attack."