Tobias
I wake groggily to the mindless beeping of the alarm clock next to me. Tris used to wake me up every morning, but things are different now. No arms around me while I sleep, no legs intertwined, no good morning. I attempt to shake off the feeling that keeps me in bed every morning and walk to the bathroom, turning the cold faucet in the shower on full blast. It's good to shower with the door wide open again, but I would trade everything just to have Tris by my side again.
I agreed to meet up with Christina today, just to see how things are going with her. People often let me stand in the way of their grief, as if I am the only person who ever loved Tris, which is true in some sense, but Christina loved her as a friend, and she grieves almost as much as I do.
The cold water makes its way down my back, waking me up instantly. Stepping out of the shower, the cold air hits my chest and I shiver violently. It's 10:07am, and I'm due to meet Christina in about half an hour. I dry myself quickly and reach for the clippers that lie on the basin in front of me, turn them on and begin to half-heartedly shave my head, just as I did in back in Abnegation. My hand glides carefully over my ears and scalp, not leaving a scratch and my mind shifts to Tris. My Tris. Everything about her was so perfect, so beautiful, I should have known not to leave her and go to the city. I knew it was something she would do, but I did it anyway. I. Let. Her. Die.
I shudder and the blade scrapes my ear, blood dripping down my left shoulder, staining my bath towel. Instead of stopping it, I let it seep in and drip down the rest of my body. Blood is a strange colour, dark. It leaves prominent, dark red lines down my left leg, and I don't bother to wipe it off, I just watch it as it makes its way down toward the floor and collects in a small puddle on the floor. I hear a faint knock on the door and look at the clock, 10:32am. Christina's here.
I quickly hang up my bath towel and throw on a plain black shirt, the same shirt I wore when I lead Tris down to the rocks at the bottom of the chasm, where I confessed my love for her. I grab the nearest pair of black pants, put them on and walk out of the bathroom to answer the door, not bothering to clean up the puddle of blood on the floor.
I answer the door to a red faced, puffy eyed Christina. She straightens up when she sees me, trying and failing to hide the fact that she's been crying.
"Hi." She says quietly.
"Hi." I say back, stepping out of the doorway so that she can come in.
"How have you been?" she asks, walking into my apartment and taking a seat on one of the dining room chairs.
"Not much better." I answer honestly, trailing behind her.
"Neither." She shakes her head and looks down at the ground, as if wishing Tris to appear out of it. I have the same wish sometimes, I wish that this was all one big set up, that Tris would someday walk through the door to my apartment and yell 'Surprise!' and everything would go back to normal. But wishing is for children, and I know that wishes and dreams like that are impossible to achieve.
Christina looks up at me, her eyes watery. I stare back, not just to comfort her, but to comfort myself. I have noticed over the last few months, that the situation will never get easier, you will only get stronger. Christina and I rely on each other for strength. Neither of us will ever admit it, being the Dauntless we are, but both of us know it; it is always just silently floating between us. We are each other's strength and we will mend each other, no matter what.
