"Because I could tell right away he was a f*cking louse!"
"We don't swear on my set, mkay? We blip that on this show."
Shizuo glared at moustache man. Dimly, he felt that this fellow was against him but he still produced an answer.
"I could tell he was a filthy louse right away. I knew I'd hate his guts the moment I saw him, and it turns out I was right. He's been nothing but trouble with framing me-"
"Hold it right there. Back up for just a second. How can you just tell all that just by looking at him? That's prejudice."
As far as Shizuo knew it was so self-evident that Izaya had no qualities and was 'a fucking flea' that it was almost a personal affront that anyone could possibly fail to see this obvious fact of life. But he had heard Izaya described as cool on more than one occasion, it just went to show that people were messed up.
"He started it...attacking me with a switchblade."
"Excuse me, Shizu-chan but you attacked me first. I merely acted in self-defense. I cannot exactly be expected to let you pummel me to death, now can I?"
Dr. Phil turned to Izaya with a swift movement of his big body, it was so sudden that Izaya was almost sure he would topple over and come crashing down but he realized that Dr. Phil had probably mastered the art by pulling off this trick many a time. Izaya was almost impressed, it could not be easy for a fat man to do such a thing.
"Did you really frame him for a crime he didn't commit? What were you thinking!"
Izaya shrugged.
"I confirm nothing. If you'd like you can contact my lawyer on that subject."
Dr. Phil coughed and Izaya got the impression that he did not particularly like that line of action.
"Now look, this isn't just about you guys. It affects everyone in your lives. I have statements from your sisters, Izaya. Mairu says, 'I'd throw my big brother in front of a bus'. Clearly, you aren't exactly a model brother."
"That's quote mining. She said that she'd do that if she could meet Kasuka."
Shizuo leered dangerously, missing Shingen's translation and just catching his brother's name.
"Don't you bring Kasuka into this!"
"Not so fast, this Kasuka is your younger brother. My notes tell me that when you were both kids you tried to throw a fridge at him! Really? I mean, really?"
Dr. Phil did another crazy twist and bobbed his head as he repeated himself to drive home his disbelief. Shizuo stammer and flailed.
"I didn't mean to, it was an accident- I mean, I told him I was sorry...but he ate my dessert."
Izaya smiled placidly enough as he always did when he knew he had scored a point.
"Shizu-chan clearly has anger issues."
Dr. Phil swung back to Izaya.
"Oh no you don't. Don't think you're off the hook here. I mean, you know that Shizuo had a bad temper to say the least and you go out of your way to provoke him. How do you explain that?"
Izaya threw himself back on his seat and twirled his hands in a dismissive gesture, crossing a leg over a knee.
"I am an informant and it just so happens that the hottest town in Tokyo is Ikebukuro where Shizu-chan there works. It is hardly my fault that he is so territorial as to flip a lid every time I as much as come close to 'bukuro."
Dr. Phil rummaged through his many notes and Izaya wondered just how much information he had on them and who had leaked it. Probably Shingen and Shinra, the spastic medical duo as Izaya thought of them.
"About your job, isn't it borderline illegal? It seems that you have talked girls into jumping to their death. M'kay?"
The crowd gasped on cue. Oprah crept a bit closer to Shizuo and made a few passes at him. Fortunately Shingen did not translate these so Shizuo was left to think that the lady was just weird instead of her wanting to get into his pants. He did wonder if she was related to Simon.
"Now, Dr. Phil, it would be rather bad if you kept on making such allegations. I might get legal consultation."
Dr. Phil squirmed on his seat much to Izaya's delight. At this point Oprah interfered by latching unto Izaya.
"So is the blonde hunk single?"
"As far as I know he is. Do I get a free car now?"
